Apr 13, 2010

YOU'RE NOT STILL WALKING ARE YOU?

Sorry for the long absence Readers. Between joining a gym, actually going to said gym and being the proud owner of a fancy new smart phone, I find my free time has become more spare than the shmorgasbord at a vegan wedding. Still, I could never completely abandon you and so I bring you, just in time for spring, an argument for the ages.

While not a member of the institution myself, most of my friends and co-workers seem to either be married or in long-term committed relationships. This vantage point allows me to study, Jane Goodall style, the mystifying prevelance of the phenomena known as "Let's go for a walk". I can't say with any certainty when "let's go for a walk" began.  Perhaps it started in Australia where "Take a walk" means leave me alone.  As in:

Female:  Honey, we should go out tonight, it's so nice outside!
Foster's drinker: Oh, take a walk why dontcha?

While I applaud the sentiment of this noble descendant of thieves, debtors and people too scary to pass the Statue of Liberty's smell test, it was perhaps not the best choice of words. Australia has 529,000 square miles of desert, 18% of the continent is desert, only ten percent of the country is habitable, just look at this picture, how much green do you see? If you're in Australia and someone suggests going for a walk, they know you can't be serious. Unfortunately, as with all things imported from Australia, something has been lost along the way. 

Ponder for a minute the history of man, his greatest achievements, his successes; the invention of the wheel, the boat, celestial navigation, the steam engine, the internal combustion engine, the automobile, manned flight, the highway, the transporter (more of a concept device at present, but I believe).  All of these accomplishments serve one purpose, avoiding walking. Man has been trying to avoid going for a walk since he left the cave. Why would we willingly go for a walk? A walk that your partner will willingly admit has no purpose aside from walking itself.  I don't mean to belabor the point, but the following are a list of options science has given us to avoid walking:

Unicycle
Bicycle
Tricycle
Motorcycle
Scooter
Moped
Car
ATV
Subways
Buses
Plane
Helicopter
Hang glider
Hot air balloon
Blimps
Dirigibles
Segway
The Uno
The Winglet
The Rascal
Wheelchairs
Skateboards
Roller skates
Roller Blade
Heely's
Ice skates
Skis
Snowboards
Hovercrafts
Canoe
Kayak
Sailboat
Yacht
Retarded Giant
Carriage
Gullible Parents
and many many more...

There's also sitting, but I won't get into that. Look I understand you think you like going for a walk, but hundreds of years of science say that it's outdated, outmoded and archaic.  Let me put it in terms you can understand. Walking is the Zune. Sure you can do it, but none of the cool kids are.