Due to overwhelming reader request, I hereby give to you a sonnet of questionable morality. Women the line for me to be your baby's daddy starts right here.
To an Unborn Son
They tell me it will change when I have one of my own
That his cherubic face and chubby little arms
Will suck the greed straight out of me, thoroughly disarm me
And maybe that’s so; maybe love does cut to the bone.
But until I see for myself how sharing a chromosome
Can imbue this child with some inalienable charm
That will inspire me to hope and wish selflessly
For successes I’ve yet to hit on, I think I’ll hold on.
Now don’t go rushing to conclusions or psychiatrists
Telling them how you were unloved as a child
And that’s why you’re filled with malevolence
As I’m telling you now, without any pretense or guile,
No matter how much you do mean to me, I simply can't see
How I could love anyone, even my seed, as much as I do me.
Worst Thing I've Heard This Week
Girl #1 - Natalie Portman looked hot in V for Vendetta
Girl #2 - Even with the shaved head?
Girl #1 - Yeah
Dan H. - Well that must be a comforting thought; now she knows she'll still look hot even if she gets cancer.
That may be the most insensitive, politially incorrect, inconsiderate comment I've ever heard in a month, Kudos.
Apr 8, 2006
Apr 3, 2006
OPENING DAY MAKES MOUTHS HAPPY
In honor of the best day of the year I am going to flip the lid on you all again and give you a list to end all lists:
THE TOP 1O THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY
#10 - Hash brown/Home fries - Who knew there was so much joy to be found in a potato, well except the Irish, but honestly, they're always drunk anyway, so you can't really take their word for it.
#9 - Jack Bauer - Suspect not giving you answers, do you ask again? No. If you're Jack Bauer, you shoot his wife in the leg. Your girlfriend is accussed by a terrorist of being a collaborater, do you ask her nicely while handing her your wallet for the shoppng spree that will inevitably ensue, no, if you're Jack Bauer, YOU INTERROGATE HER.
#8 - Gummy bears - They're just so chewy and delicious. And an added bonus, if you're completely insane, you can bite their heads off and put them on each others bodies, like mismatched leggo men
#7 - Spring - Sure, I could complain about how warm weather induces people to wear less clothes, and included in people are, well, fat women, but today is a happy day, so instead of complaining about how a tube top isn't supposed to resemble a play doh cannister with the filling squeezed out, I will instead revel in the joy that is lithe 20 year old girls in Halter tops (bonus points if you know the difference between a tube top and a halter top).
#6 - Funny girls - I know what your thinking, how can something that doesn't exist make you happy? However, I am proud to say that after 25 years of investigation I am finally ready to publish the results of my reseach. I have discovered that contrary to popular opinion the Y chromosome is not the anti-funny gene we once though it was, that means. . . it is not genetically impossible for women to be funny!! That being said, it doesn't help too much either.
#5 - Reruns of TV shows and cartoons from my youth - Dude, I dont care what you say, Thunder Cats, Knight Rider, McGuyver and the A-Team rocked like a fat girl in a canoe (I am not fat phobic). Ya heard?
#4 - Napping - It's like having your wife tell you it's O.K. to sleep with other women, it feels so good, it should just be wrong on principle.
#3 - Winning - for all the losers out there, you really should try it, it's fun.
#2 - People who are so incompetent they make me look responsible - For the record, emails addressed to me that begin with the clause "I feel like an incompetent fool" make me smile. All this time I thought that in order to look like a productive, reliable law student I needed to team up with someone who was, well, a productive, reliable law student, when in reality, all I needed to do was find the one person more useless than me. SWEET.
#1 - BASEBALL - Watching it, playing it, reading about it, constructing fantasy teams.If baseball was a woman I'd impregnate her.
THE TOP 1O THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY
#10 - Hash brown/Home fries - Who knew there was so much joy to be found in a potato, well except the Irish, but honestly, they're always drunk anyway, so you can't really take their word for it.
#9 - Jack Bauer - Suspect not giving you answers, do you ask again? No. If you're Jack Bauer, you shoot his wife in the leg. Your girlfriend is accussed by a terrorist of being a collaborater, do you ask her nicely while handing her your wallet for the shoppng spree that will inevitably ensue, no, if you're Jack Bauer, YOU INTERROGATE HER.
#8 - Gummy bears - They're just so chewy and delicious. And an added bonus, if you're completely insane, you can bite their heads off and put them on each others bodies, like mismatched leggo men
#7 - Spring - Sure, I could complain about how warm weather induces people to wear less clothes, and included in people are, well, fat women, but today is a happy day, so instead of complaining about how a tube top isn't supposed to resemble a play doh cannister with the filling squeezed out, I will instead revel in the joy that is lithe 20 year old girls in Halter tops (bonus points if you know the difference between a tube top and a halter top).
#6 - Funny girls - I know what your thinking, how can something that doesn't exist make you happy? However, I am proud to say that after 25 years of investigation I am finally ready to publish the results of my reseach. I have discovered that contrary to popular opinion the Y chromosome is not the anti-funny gene we once though it was, that means. . . it is not genetically impossible for women to be funny!! That being said, it doesn't help too much either.
#5 - Reruns of TV shows and cartoons from my youth - Dude, I dont care what you say, Thunder Cats, Knight Rider, McGuyver and the A-Team rocked like a fat girl in a canoe (I am not fat phobic). Ya heard?
#4 - Napping - It's like having your wife tell you it's O.K. to sleep with other women, it feels so good, it should just be wrong on principle.
#3 - Winning - for all the losers out there, you really should try it, it's fun.
#2 - People who are so incompetent they make me look responsible - For the record, emails addressed to me that begin with the clause "I feel like an incompetent fool" make me smile. All this time I thought that in order to look like a productive, reliable law student I needed to team up with someone who was, well, a productive, reliable law student, when in reality, all I needed to do was find the one person more useless than me. SWEET.
#1 - BASEBALL - Watching it, playing it, reading about it, constructing fantasy teams.If baseball was a woman I'd impregnate her.
Mar 30, 2006
A DAY OFF FROM MISOGYNY
Due to reader request I now present you with a list from a slightly, unexpected, perspective
Top 10 Things That Would Bother Me If I Were A Woman
#10 -Yeast infections – And here I thought having a “bun in the oven” was a figurative expression
#9 - Lace underwear – Now while I can’t speak from personal experience as to whether these are comfortable or not, I have had my grandmother’s tablecloth under my elbows, and I have to say, it kinda chafed.
#8 - Underwire – A thin metallic strand wrapped tight around my chest, sounds comfy.
#7 - Low rise jeans – Butt crack and "Muffin Tops" really shouldn’t be a fashion accessory (say women).
#6 - Hillary Clinton – ‘Nuff said
#5 - Beer goggles – At least when you’re a guy you’re still somewhat satisfied to have ended up with a girl. Unfortunately, as a girl, satisfaction is unlikely due to the fact that you’re likely to end up with a reject from the casting call for the character of Screech in “Saved by the Bell, The Post, Post Graduate Years”
#4 - The fact that Derek Jeter only bats 5 times in a 3 1/2 hour baseball game – I suppose as a woman the subtle intricacies of baseball might be considered boring, however, when Derek Jeter steps to the plate and bends over, the women yelling and waving dollar bills like housewives at a strip club seem to come alive.
#3 - Nippleitis – Perhaps you’re more familiar with its other moniker, “Headlight Syndrome.” Either way, air conditioning should never be a bad thing.
#2 - The internet – I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, you were in love, he said he wouldn’t show it to anyone, you thought it would be fun. Now you’re downloaded more often than that scene from “Wild Things” with Denise Richard’s and Neve Campbell and people keep calling you Thumper.
#1 - Reunions – You were hot in high school, hot in college, now it’s 20 years later and while you are trying to keep it up, you are, sadly, now old and wrinkley, and all the people who thought throughout those years, "If only I could hit that" (I'm reasonably certain that's proper usage of that particular slang) are now thinking, “turns out I didn’t miss out on all that much after all.”
Top 10 Things That Would Bother Me If I Were A Woman
#10 -Yeast infections – And here I thought having a “bun in the oven” was a figurative expression
#9 - Lace underwear – Now while I can’t speak from personal experience as to whether these are comfortable or not, I have had my grandmother’s tablecloth under my elbows, and I have to say, it kinda chafed.
#8 - Underwire – A thin metallic strand wrapped tight around my chest, sounds comfy.
#7 - Low rise jeans – Butt crack and "Muffin Tops" really shouldn’t be a fashion accessory (say women).
#6 - Hillary Clinton – ‘Nuff said
#5 - Beer goggles – At least when you’re a guy you’re still somewhat satisfied to have ended up with a girl. Unfortunately, as a girl, satisfaction is unlikely due to the fact that you’re likely to end up with a reject from the casting call for the character of Screech in “Saved by the Bell, The Post, Post Graduate Years”
#4 - The fact that Derek Jeter only bats 5 times in a 3 1/2 hour baseball game – I suppose as a woman the subtle intricacies of baseball might be considered boring, however, when Derek Jeter steps to the plate and bends over, the women yelling and waving dollar bills like housewives at a strip club seem to come alive.
#3 - Nippleitis – Perhaps you’re more familiar with its other moniker, “Headlight Syndrome.” Either way, air conditioning should never be a bad thing.
#2 - The internet – I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, you were in love, he said he wouldn’t show it to anyone, you thought it would be fun. Now you’re downloaded more often than that scene from “Wild Things” with Denise Richard’s and Neve Campbell and people keep calling you Thumper.
#1 - Reunions – You were hot in high school, hot in college, now it’s 20 years later and while you are trying to keep it up, you are, sadly, now old and wrinkley, and all the people who thought throughout those years, "If only I could hit that" (I'm reasonably certain that's proper usage of that particular slang) are now thinking, “turns out I didn’t miss out on all that much after all.”
Mar 27, 2006
INDEFINITE ARTICLE, ARTICLE II
Top 10 Things That Should Be Things (continued)
6) The oxygen conservation initiative - The ecologically conscious among us propose that we stop cutting down the rainforests and burn fewer fossil fuels to preserve our atmosphere, I have a similar proposal, but one that requires much less sacrifice. Revoke the speaking privileges of idiots the world over. The sheer number of people who shouldn't ever be allowed to speak allowed would confound an MIT grad. The way I see it, if we eliminate speech from the realm of options for these sorry folk, oxygen will never be a concern again. Now go forth and buy SUV's
7) The 10 minutes isn't late rule – Really it's so close, lets just call it the "You mean its not 9 O'clock right NOW!?" rule.
8) The 3 second takeback - Here's a dramatic demonstration: "Can you please stop talking, I'm trying to watch TV" 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississi - whooooa, I'm sorry baby, you know I didn't mean that, come here, tell me all about your day. One caveat, you need to activate the takeback before the "I know you didn't just say that to me" face, becomes the "Someone is going to be sleeping on the couch/taking me shopping" face (in case you're wondering, it's all in the lip snarl).
9) Dibs - I understand dibs is an old concept and has been around for a while, but what I am proposing is that we extend it to EVEYTHING. Girls, jobs, cars, girls. A simple first to see, first to be served, framework. You see someone's girlfriend, she's yours, if he starts yelling, you simply say, dude, I called dibs, then just watch him walk away.
10) Elevator expulsion - People need to learn to wait in line. If you've been waiting for the elevtor patiently, and Sneaky McThere's-A-Line?, all of a sudden zips past you into the nearly full elevator as the doors part, then you need to be able to grab said person by the hair, point out the fact that there is a line and then throw him from the elevator. In a perfect world you'd be able to do this from a trapdoor inside a moving elevator, at say the 11th floor, but unfortunately my reign over the world has yet to be fully acknowledged.
Coming next time: Top 10 Things That Would Bother Me If I Were A Woman
6) The oxygen conservation initiative - The ecologically conscious among us propose that we stop cutting down the rainforests and burn fewer fossil fuels to preserve our atmosphere, I have a similar proposal, but one that requires much less sacrifice. Revoke the speaking privileges of idiots the world over. The sheer number of people who shouldn't ever be allowed to speak allowed would confound an MIT grad. The way I see it, if we eliminate speech from the realm of options for these sorry folk, oxygen will never be a concern again. Now go forth and buy SUV's
7) The 10 minutes isn't late rule – Really it's so close, lets just call it the "You mean its not 9 O'clock right NOW!?" rule.
8) The 3 second takeback - Here's a dramatic demonstration: "Can you please stop talking, I'm trying to watch TV" 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississi - whooooa, I'm sorry baby, you know I didn't mean that, come here, tell me all about your day. One caveat, you need to activate the takeback before the "I know you didn't just say that to me" face, becomes the "Someone is going to be sleeping on the couch/taking me shopping" face (in case you're wondering, it's all in the lip snarl).
9) Dibs - I understand dibs is an old concept and has been around for a while, but what I am proposing is that we extend it to EVEYTHING. Girls, jobs, cars, girls. A simple first to see, first to be served, framework. You see someone's girlfriend, she's yours, if he starts yelling, you simply say, dude, I called dibs, then just watch him walk away.
10) Elevator expulsion - People need to learn to wait in line. If you've been waiting for the elevtor patiently, and Sneaky McThere's-A-Line?, all of a sudden zips past you into the nearly full elevator as the doors part, then you need to be able to grab said person by the hair, point out the fact that there is a line and then throw him from the elevator. In a perfect world you'd be able to do this from a trapdoor inside a moving elevator, at say the 11th floor, but unfortunately my reign over the world has yet to be fully acknowledged.
Coming next time: Top 10 Things That Would Bother Me If I Were A Woman
Mar 15, 2006
INDEFINITE ARTICLE, ARTICLE
Sometimes you find yourself in a position where you feel like there should be a rule or a law or court order to prevent what is going on from going on, I am here to rectify that by providing you with a list of Things, that should be real things, things you can call out and be able to move on without issue. So here they are:
Top 10 Things That Should Be Things
#1 - The first date lemon law - If after 15 minutes you realize that your date is more likely to end up on a "least wanted" poster than on a second date with you, you should have the right to invoke "the lemon law" whereby you simply tell your date, I'm sorry, but you're a lemon, this date is over, here's the bill for your half of the gas money.
#2 - The funeral rejection explanation - All those whom you asked out in life, and who similarly rebuffed your advances, should, at your funeral, be forced to stand on the dais and explain, in detail, why it is that they refused to go out with you, right after the sparkling eulogies of course.
#3 - The mitigating circumstances rule - When caught not doing something that you very well know you should have done and under normal circumstances would have done but for, mitigating circumstances, for example, I know missing your birthday was a big deal and a huge mistake and normally you would get very mad at me and be totally justified in doing so, BUT, mitigtating circumstances, i.e. it was the same day as the Final 4 (that's college basketball for the women out there).
#4 - The automated response - Fast answeres to often asked questions, simply hold up some digits and avoid losing focus on Gilmore Girls. Here are the designations:
1 finger for - No, you don't look fat in that 2 - Yes, I like your haircut. 3 - Whatever you make for dinner is fine. 4 - My day was fine 5 - No, I'm not cheating on you, I don't even know how her number got in my phone.
Not to be mysoginistic (at the moment) here are the 5 automated responses for women:
1 - Yes, I saw that play, it was a very good hit, do they get a touchdown? 2 - I'll be ready in 5 minutes 3 - If you didn't want eggplant salad for dinner, you should have said so when I asked! 4 - Second shelf on the left hand side, behind the mayonaise 5 - No, I'm not cheating on you, I have no idea how his number got in my phone.
# 5- The Sunday veto - No work should ever be done on Sunday. As such when work is assigned that will require effort, real, significant, effort, being put into it on a Sunday, one should be allowed to make that buzzing sound people make when someone gets an answer wrong, (you know what I'm talking about and if not, you aren't judgemental enough) and with pleasure say, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to veto that assignment.
Tune in next time for Things 6 - 10 (I know, I'm evil like that)
Top 10 Things That Should Be Things
#1 - The first date lemon law - If after 15 minutes you realize that your date is more likely to end up on a "least wanted" poster than on a second date with you, you should have the right to invoke "the lemon law" whereby you simply tell your date, I'm sorry, but you're a lemon, this date is over, here's the bill for your half of the gas money.
#2 - The funeral rejection explanation - All those whom you asked out in life, and who similarly rebuffed your advances, should, at your funeral, be forced to stand on the dais and explain, in detail, why it is that they refused to go out with you, right after the sparkling eulogies of course.
#3 - The mitigating circumstances rule - When caught not doing something that you very well know you should have done and under normal circumstances would have done but for, mitigating circumstances, for example, I know missing your birthday was a big deal and a huge mistake and normally you would get very mad at me and be totally justified in doing so, BUT, mitigtating circumstances, i.e. it was the same day as the Final 4 (that's college basketball for the women out there).
#4 - The automated response - Fast answeres to often asked questions, simply hold up some digits and avoid losing focus on Gilmore Girls. Here are the designations:
1 finger for - No, you don't look fat in that 2 - Yes, I like your haircut. 3 - Whatever you make for dinner is fine. 4 - My day was fine 5 - No, I'm not cheating on you, I don't even know how her number got in my phone.
Not to be mysoginistic (at the moment) here are the 5 automated responses for women:
1 - Yes, I saw that play, it was a very good hit, do they get a touchdown? 2 - I'll be ready in 5 minutes 3 - If you didn't want eggplant salad for dinner, you should have said so when I asked! 4 - Second shelf on the left hand side, behind the mayonaise 5 - No, I'm not cheating on you, I have no idea how his number got in my phone.
# 5- The Sunday veto - No work should ever be done on Sunday. As such when work is assigned that will require effort, real, significant, effort, being put into it on a Sunday, one should be allowed to make that buzzing sound people make when someone gets an answer wrong, (you know what I'm talking about and if not, you aren't judgemental enough) and with pleasure say, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to veto that assignment.
Tune in next time for Things 6 - 10 (I know, I'm evil like that)
Mar 8, 2006
THURSDAYS ARE FOR INTROSPECTION
AN OPEN LETTER TO THE UNDER-EVOLVED PART OF MY BRAIN THAT ENJOYS WATCHING "GILMORE GIRLS"
Dear Brain,
We've been together for quite a while now, you and I, and I thought that, given our history, our deep and abiding connection, our mutual hatred of, well, most everything, that I could count on you to never betray me. Unfortunately, this seems not to be the case. Instead of following the strict guy code of never watching a TV show with the words "girls" or "women" in the title, you have unilaterally decided to find watching "Gilmore Girls" enjoyable, GILMORE GIRLS! It's right there in the title ,for God sakes, brain, "GIRLS."
Sure I know what you'll say, that the characters are both believable and lovable, that you find Lauren Graham so enrapturing that you aren't sure if you want her to date us or adopt us, that the overlapping dialogue and witty reparte is reminiscent of the early Aaron Sorkin years of "West Wing" which we so loved. That two rather hot chicks in one show, a show that already features stimulating dialogue, is more than a man has a right to ask for, perhaps even going so far as to point out the dearth of attractive women on Sports Night (Felicity Huffman?) and West Wing (Does Allison Janney even count as a woman, or does she violate the maximum height allowance?). Maybe you might even try to say that having the two aforementioned hot chicks being mother and daughter satisfies some, as of yet, undiscovered male fantasy of ours. Yet while all of that may in fact be true (not that I'm admitting to the mother daughter fantasy mind you)I feel like you're missing the point, IT HAS "GIRLS" IN THE TITLE.
So I ask you, brain, please, in the name of all that good and masculine, end this obssession with the girls Gilmore. If you do maybe I might even give you a treat, like eating fish more often (get it, brain food) or playing scrabble once in a while.
Sincerely,
If I Ran The World
P.S. - Thanks for the help with that mock trial
Dear Brain,
We've been together for quite a while now, you and I, and I thought that, given our history, our deep and abiding connection, our mutual hatred of, well, most everything, that I could count on you to never betray me. Unfortunately, this seems not to be the case. Instead of following the strict guy code of never watching a TV show with the words "girls" or "women" in the title, you have unilaterally decided to find watching "Gilmore Girls" enjoyable, GILMORE GIRLS! It's right there in the title ,for God sakes, brain, "GIRLS."
Sure I know what you'll say, that the characters are both believable and lovable, that you find Lauren Graham so enrapturing that you aren't sure if you want her to date us or adopt us, that the overlapping dialogue and witty reparte is reminiscent of the early Aaron Sorkin years of "West Wing" which we so loved. That two rather hot chicks in one show, a show that already features stimulating dialogue, is more than a man has a right to ask for, perhaps even going so far as to point out the dearth of attractive women on Sports Night (Felicity Huffman?) and West Wing (Does Allison Janney even count as a woman, or does she violate the maximum height allowance?). Maybe you might even try to say that having the two aforementioned hot chicks being mother and daughter satisfies some, as of yet, undiscovered male fantasy of ours. Yet while all of that may in fact be true (not that I'm admitting to the mother daughter fantasy mind you)I feel like you're missing the point, IT HAS "GIRLS" IN THE TITLE.
So I ask you, brain, please, in the name of all that good and masculine, end this obssession with the girls Gilmore. If you do maybe I might even give you a treat, like eating fish more often (get it, brain food) or playing scrabble once in a while.
Sincerely,
If I Ran The World
P.S. - Thanks for the help with that mock trial
Mar 7, 2006
THE SECRET LIVES OF ORTHAPEDISTS
Before I begin I'd like to point out that there's a post directly below this one which most of you have not read, so you know, read it and defend me.
So I saw the doctor yesterday, and after he twisted my knee in various unnatural directions resulting in some rather unmanly screeching, he asked me if it hurt. This led me to two consclusions, one, doctors are sadists and two, my doctor doesn't think much of my masculinity. Thankfully though, instead of telling me that my knee was just sore, and that it will go away on it's own, so stop whining you huge girl, He told me that I have tendonitis (how cool?) and that it will go away on it's own so stop whining you huge girl. See it's that kind of bedside manner that can make all the difference in making a complete recovery. But I digress.
As I was sitting in the waiting room it occurred to me that there are an awful lot of idioms, aphorism and common sayings in our everyday use that are without question just flat out odd, and after come careful thought I decided to make a list of these and here is what I've come up with.
Top 10 English Idioms That Make No Sense
#10 - Can't have your cake and eat it too - Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be difficult to eat cake you didn't have? Unless of course you're crazy, but even then, I can't imagine it being very satisfying.
#9 - Don't look a gift horse in the mouth - I can't speak for you but I know that I always get insulted whenever I give people a horse for their birthday and then they go and look at its mouth. Makes me wish I'd gotten them a card instead.
#8 - Back to square one - So when your idea at work turns out to be complete and utter crap the result is that you get demoted to playing hopscotch? Hmm maybe that does make some sense.
#7 - Don't mean to toot my own horn - Was there alot of horn tooting going on at some point in history? Did people win an argument then whip out their horn and start tooting? And even if this was the case, does this mean tooting your own horn is bad, but it's ok to toot someone else's horn? because if so, that just seems rather unsanitary, what with the spit and all, people put their mouths on those things.
#6 - Keep your nose to the grindstone - Seriously has anyone even seen a grindstone in their entire life? and if you have, does it really seem like the place for soft cartilaginous facial tissue?
#5 - Til the cows come home - Yeah, I remember back in '88 when the FBI was just befuddled by the sudden spate of runaway cows, apparently they had an argument with their parents about dating particular bulls and they just took off. The FBI vowed it wouldn't stop searching till. . . that's right, the cows came home.
#4 - Straight from the horse's mouth - So now we measure the veracity of a statement by whether or not its source was equine in nature? Not to say it's a bad idea, but somehow I think we might be better off asking the psychic hotline. As a side note, what's up with our horsemouth fascination?
#3 - There's more than one way to skin a cat - You actually need me to point out that this is just odd? Honestly are there really people out there skinning cats? Is there a cat skin demand that I'm unaware of? And more to the point, is this demand so great that we've actually devised multiple methodologies for flaying the said felines?
#2 - The pot calling the kettle black - I'm sorry, is the pot saying that the kettle is obssessed with rims? Because that really don't seem like something a kettle should be criticized for, especially the rims thing, they're both made out chrome, it's a natural attraction.
#1 - The truth will set you free - Was this meant to be ironic? Or was it a subtle form of misdirection propogated by women to ruin the lives of men? Any man who has ever dated any girl can tell you that the only things the truth will set you up for are: nagging, shopping and dumping (oh I get it, set you free, you women are cruel).
So I saw the doctor yesterday, and after he twisted my knee in various unnatural directions resulting in some rather unmanly screeching, he asked me if it hurt. This led me to two consclusions, one, doctors are sadists and two, my doctor doesn't think much of my masculinity. Thankfully though, instead of telling me that my knee was just sore, and that it will go away on it's own, so stop whining you huge girl, He told me that I have tendonitis (how cool?) and that it will go away on it's own so stop whining you huge girl. See it's that kind of bedside manner that can make all the difference in making a complete recovery. But I digress.
As I was sitting in the waiting room it occurred to me that there are an awful lot of idioms, aphorism and common sayings in our everyday use that are without question just flat out odd, and after come careful thought I decided to make a list of these and here is what I've come up with.
Top 10 English Idioms That Make No Sense
#10 - Can't have your cake and eat it too - Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be difficult to eat cake you didn't have? Unless of course you're crazy, but even then, I can't imagine it being very satisfying.
#9 - Don't look a gift horse in the mouth - I can't speak for you but I know that I always get insulted whenever I give people a horse for their birthday and then they go and look at its mouth. Makes me wish I'd gotten them a card instead.
#8 - Back to square one - So when your idea at work turns out to be complete and utter crap the result is that you get demoted to playing hopscotch? Hmm maybe that does make some sense.
#7 - Don't mean to toot my own horn - Was there alot of horn tooting going on at some point in history? Did people win an argument then whip out their horn and start tooting? And even if this was the case, does this mean tooting your own horn is bad, but it's ok to toot someone else's horn? because if so, that just seems rather unsanitary, what with the spit and all, people put their mouths on those things.
#6 - Keep your nose to the grindstone - Seriously has anyone even seen a grindstone in their entire life? and if you have, does it really seem like the place for soft cartilaginous facial tissue?
#5 - Til the cows come home - Yeah, I remember back in '88 when the FBI was just befuddled by the sudden spate of runaway cows, apparently they had an argument with their parents about dating particular bulls and they just took off. The FBI vowed it wouldn't stop searching till. . . that's right, the cows came home.
#4 - Straight from the horse's mouth - So now we measure the veracity of a statement by whether or not its source was equine in nature? Not to say it's a bad idea, but somehow I think we might be better off asking the psychic hotline. As a side note, what's up with our horsemouth fascination?
#3 - There's more than one way to skin a cat - You actually need me to point out that this is just odd? Honestly are there really people out there skinning cats? Is there a cat skin demand that I'm unaware of? And more to the point, is this demand so great that we've actually devised multiple methodologies for flaying the said felines?
#2 - The pot calling the kettle black - I'm sorry, is the pot saying that the kettle is obssessed with rims? Because that really don't seem like something a kettle should be criticized for, especially the rims thing, they're both made out chrome, it's a natural attraction.
#1 - The truth will set you free - Was this meant to be ironic? Or was it a subtle form of misdirection propogated by women to ruin the lives of men? Any man who has ever dated any girl can tell you that the only things the truth will set you up for are: nagging, shopping and dumping (oh I get it, set you free, you women are cruel).
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