THE TOP FIVE THINGS THAT BOTHER ME TODAY:
#1 - People who think I’m dumb – JP Morgan has today announced that it will raise its offer for Bear Stearns from $2 per share to $10 per share. For all you liberal arts majors out there, they’ve quintupled their offer. This leads us to ask, why? Need to ask why? But didn’t JP Morgan give a reason for upping its offer by 500%? Yes, yes they did, and here it is: “we want to pacify angry Bear shareholders.”
Really? That’s the best they could come up with? In essence, they’re asking you to believe that they’re willing to quintuple their offer, not because they think that Bear Stearns is a steal even at five times the price, not because the government has essentially indemnified you against any loss by guaranteeing $30 BILLION in losses, but because they want to appease people who are angry? Who believes this crap?
They upped the offer not because angry people would reject the offer and further weaken the economy, but because they’re greedy vultures who, after thinking they’d safely snuck away with a well preserved carcass found themselves under the glaring spotlight of other vultures, vultures who asked; why didn’t the government ask me if I’d pay more to buy BS? Vultures who said; hell, the building alone is worth over a billion dollars and really, how much can they be on the hook for over and above $30 billion in guarantees? (I grant you that the whole ‘vulture’ analogy fell apart rather quickly, unless of course vultures have an organized system of government with a central bank and spotlights, but I feel like the comparison remains apt.)
#2 – People who discuss their aberrant lifestyles on the bus – Things I don’t want to hear a man talking about at 8am: 1) The various threesomes in which you have engaged 2) The moral hazards of dating two sisters and why you should be excused for their violations (morals and sisters) 3) Interest rates on 15 year T-bills in relation to junk bonds. That last one was unrelated but you know, it’s still annoying.
#3 – Time – I can’t decide if I want it to go by faster or slower. It’s really making me sound like a hypocrite. Though maybe we could have some sort of relativity machine that makes time feel slower on weekends, but faster on weekdays, but not on legal holidays, or sick days or vacation, or at night when I get home from work. OK I think I may need some more time with this.
#4 – Internet sites that hide customer service numbers – Who on God’s green Earth decided that a FAQ list could take the place of a customer service number? You know what question I asked frequently? Where’s the damn number! Didn’t see that on their precious little list. Now I know even if I get to customer service I’ll get screwed worse than those two sisters, but dude, come on, at least pretend like you care that I’m unsatisfied. Throw me a bone!
#5 – Reporters and their dumb questions Part II – There was a shooting outside some sports bar in the Bronx last night so of course the local news sent a reporter up there to interview people who live in the area. This particular reporter had exactly one interview make the cut. Her interviewee, a man who lives in the neighborhood, did not witness the shooting, and knew nothing about the bar, or the people involved. In fact, his knowledge, he said, was limited to the fact that there was a shooting. So what insightful question did our intrepid reporter ask this man with no useful information? Wait for it...
“Does this incident make you feel less safe living here?”
Bam! There it is. The only redeeming feature was the man’s response,
“Well, someone got shot, that doesn’t make me feel more safe.”
Showing posts with label customer service. Show all posts
Showing posts with label customer service. Show all posts
Jan 20, 2008
HUN, IS IT A MARK TWAIN OR A SAMUEL CLEMENS?
OK, so I was watching 'Antiques Roadshow' on PBS (I will pause here to give you a moment to get your mind around that, ready? Good). Anyway, I mention this because I'm reasonably certain that in the course of enhancing my expertise on mid-nineteenth century Japanese porcelain, I came face to screen with the dumbest couple on Earth.
If you're not familiar with the show, the general concept is that a group of antique experts travel from city to city, set up in a convention center and invite people to come bring the crap that's been laying in their attic and ask these experts for a price estimate on said crap. Well this chromosomally challenged couple appears on the show with what they describe as a "First edition of, To Kill A Mockingbird." I was somewhat confused by their initial assertion, as the dustjacket seemed to be perfectly preserved and unusually sharp and bright for something printed nearly 50 years ago; before the advent of laser printers. Then she flipped the book over and, lo and behold, it had a bar code on the back. Let's think for a moment here folks, bar codes exist to be scanned by computers, and these two are of the opinion that their's is a first edition printing!
The really scary part of this story, aside from the fact that a desert scene, Japanese Nippon Porcelain vase, now goes for three grand, is that these are two attractive people in their early to mid-twenties; right in the baby-making wheelhouse. If these two procreate it's time for humanity to just pull up tent stakes and make room for the Gila Monsters (I hear they're smart).
In keeping with this topic (stupid people, not Nippon porcelain, we can discuss that in the comments section), I thought I'd share a phone conversation I had with someone at the customer service branch of U.S. Airways. As some of you may know I was supposed to go on vacation last week. Sadly, my grandmother passed away the night before my flight to Lake Tahoe and I was unable to fly. My friends of course consoled me with the knowledge that I would at least be able to get my money back for the flight owing to my cancellation being the result of a death in the family. Such is a transcript of the conversation I had in pursuit of said refund:
Me: Hi, yes I'd like to get a refund for the flight I missed. Sadly there was a death in my family and I was unable to go on vacation.
Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK sir, can I have your flight confirmation number?
Me: Reciting an unmemorable medley of letters and number
Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK I'm showing a zero balance on this flight.
Me: What's that mean
IWUPTBAA: Well sir the computer is showing you've missed the flight
Me: Yes, that's because today's Wednesday and the flight was last Saturday night. I couldn't make the flight because my grandmother died, remember?
IWUPTBAA: Well sir what I can do for you is restore the value of your ticket to its initial $128
Me (Naively): Thank you.
IWUPTBAA: Of course there will be a $100 reissuing fee if you do reschedule
Me (confused): What? Wait if i want to use the $128 ticket you just reinstated, I have to pay a $100 fee? Isn't that just a $28 refund?
IWUPTBAA (that's really starting to get annoying to type): Well sir, there will be a fee as per company policy for rescheduling a canceled ticket.
Me (frustrated): But we just went through this I didn't cancel the ticket my grandmother died!
IWUPTBAA: I'm very sorry sir but we don't have a bereavement policy
Me (wondering if an entire generation of people are under the opinion that airlines have a bereavement policy because of a Seinfeld episode): You don't?
IWUTBAAA: No sir, I mean if you died we'd refund your ticket, but not for relatives.
Me: If I died!? you mean if I called up from the after life and asked you to refund my ticket you'd do so? What if I died on one of your flights, would I get a full refund or would it be pro rata, based on how close we got to the intended destination before plunging into to sea and exploding into thousands of fiery bits?
IWUPTBAA (Completely ignoring my vivid imagery): I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help sir, but next time please call in advance of your flight.
Me: Well I certainly hope my grandmother won't die again.
IWUPTBAA: Yes sir, I do as well hope this does not happen.
Me: !@#$%^&*
If you're not familiar with the show, the general concept is that a group of antique experts travel from city to city, set up in a convention center and invite people to come bring the crap that's been laying in their attic and ask these experts for a price estimate on said crap. Well this chromosomally challenged couple appears on the show with what they describe as a "First edition of, To Kill A Mockingbird." I was somewhat confused by their initial assertion, as the dustjacket seemed to be perfectly preserved and unusually sharp and bright for something printed nearly 50 years ago; before the advent of laser printers. Then she flipped the book over and, lo and behold, it had a bar code on the back. Let's think for a moment here folks, bar codes exist to be scanned by computers, and these two are of the opinion that their's is a first edition printing!
The really scary part of this story, aside from the fact that a desert scene, Japanese Nippon Porcelain vase, now goes for three grand, is that these are two attractive people in their early to mid-twenties; right in the baby-making wheelhouse. If these two procreate it's time for humanity to just pull up tent stakes and make room for the Gila Monsters (I hear they're smart).
In keeping with this topic (stupid people, not Nippon porcelain, we can discuss that in the comments section), I thought I'd share a phone conversation I had with someone at the customer service branch of U.S. Airways. As some of you may know I was supposed to go on vacation last week. Sadly, my grandmother passed away the night before my flight to Lake Tahoe and I was unable to fly. My friends of course consoled me with the knowledge that I would at least be able to get my money back for the flight owing to my cancellation being the result of a death in the family. Such is a transcript of the conversation I had in pursuit of said refund:
Me: Hi, yes I'd like to get a refund for the flight I missed. Sadly there was a death in my family and I was unable to go on vacation.
Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK sir, can I have your flight confirmation number?
Me: Reciting an unmemorable medley of letters and number
Indian Woman Unsuccessfully Pretending to be an American: OK I'm showing a zero balance on this flight.
Me: What's that mean
IWUPTBAA: Well sir the computer is showing you've missed the flight
Me: Yes, that's because today's Wednesday and the flight was last Saturday night. I couldn't make the flight because my grandmother died, remember?
IWUPTBAA: Well sir what I can do for you is restore the value of your ticket to its initial $128
Me (Naively): Thank you.
IWUPTBAA: Of course there will be a $100 reissuing fee if you do reschedule
Me (confused): What? Wait if i want to use the $128 ticket you just reinstated, I have to pay a $100 fee? Isn't that just a $28 refund?
IWUPTBAA (that's really starting to get annoying to type): Well sir, there will be a fee as per company policy for rescheduling a canceled ticket.
Me (frustrated): But we just went through this I didn't cancel the ticket my grandmother died!
IWUPTBAA: I'm very sorry sir but we don't have a bereavement policy
Me (wondering if an entire generation of people are under the opinion that airlines have a bereavement policy because of a Seinfeld episode): You don't?
IWUTBAAA: No sir, I mean if you died we'd refund your ticket, but not for relatives.
Me: If I died!? you mean if I called up from the after life and asked you to refund my ticket you'd do so? What if I died on one of your flights, would I get a full refund or would it be pro rata, based on how close we got to the intended destination before plunging into to sea and exploding into thousands of fiery bits?
IWUPTBAA (Completely ignoring my vivid imagery): I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help sir, but next time please call in advance of your flight.
Me: Well I certainly hope my grandmother won't die again.
IWUPTBAA: Yes sir, I do as well hope this does not happen.
Me: !@#$%^&*
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