Have you ever noticed that you hold certain beliefs about yourself that are, to put it charitably, at odds with objective reality. I’ll give you an example that seems quite pervasive, height. My height has changed over the years. I don’t mean this in the literal sense. I stopped growing about 10 years ago and have been at least three different heights since then.
When I was growing up my mother would stand me up against a wall and, using her thumbs and a tape measure about half my actual length, determine my height. The process was not particularly scientific and resulted in statements like: “You’re somewhere between 5’8” and 6’4”.” Now, while I tried to stay level headed about these numbers (I thought taking the average and calling myself six foot even seemed fair, plus I have freakish jumping ability for a white man and, if I was really 6’4” I’d probably be in the NBA… let’s just say height isn’t my only misplaced belief), the truth is I allowed her optimism and questionable engineering skills to color my self-opinion. I’d go to a doctor and get measured with actual equipment designed for the task, he’d say I’m 5’10” and the following exchange would take place:
Me: I’m six foot
Doctor: No, you’re really not.
Me: I’m more than 5’10” though
Doctor: 5’10” and an eighth of an inch, if you want to get technical.
Me: AHA! You admit I’m taller than 5’10”
Doctor: Would you mind getting undressed again and laying down on the table over there, I think I might need to run some more tests on you.
Me: OK, how about we compromise and call it 5’11”?
Doctor: Hold on just a second I’m going to give you a prescription for some mood enhancers.
Me: My mood is fine.
Doctor: They’re for your girlfriend.
My doctor’s dry wit notwithstanding, I spent about 5 years at 5’11”. They were fun times. Eventually though, I had to give up the inch. It was painful, like a second circumcision, but I found that my own version of reality had, like congested pig, begun infecting those of others. Those of you without tape measure wielding mothers, I have found, often use friends and co-workers to ascertain their height. A conversation between two women standing 5’1” and 5’2” might go something like this:
Short girl: How tall are you?
Shorter girl: 5’3”, how tall are you?
Short girl: Well, I’m taller than you so like 5’4”, 5’5”.
These conversations are repeated over and over until everyone’s height is based on some myth created by a tape measure I won in third grade. I even shrunk my law school roommate. I dont know what any of this means, I don't know if a lie is any more or less offensive if the person telling it believes it to be true, but, between this and adult dating sites I think we're going to make the ruler obsolete soon.
Showing posts with label lying. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lying. Show all posts
Dec 21, 2009
Dec 26, 2007
Unretired
Hello again readers,
I know it's been a while since last we conversed, but after giving it some thought I've decided that re-starting my blog is a good way to rationalize my slowing progress on my novel and avoid the judgmental eyes of my exercise bike. So, without further ado, like a phoenix from its ashes, like Roger Clemens from retirement, like herpes from wherever herpes goes when it's asymptomatic, I, your favorite misanthrope, return to you. (Yes, I realize I just compared myself to an STD, I'm rusty, give me a break).
I report to you today from the front lines of employment and I am here to tell you that all is not right in the world. Accordingly, I am providing you with the first installment in what may be a multi-part (depending on whether I think of any more) exposé on the abuses of the American workforce.
Top 5 Things I've Learned About Working Since My Last Post
5) Napping at work is frowned upon - Sadly the glass wall of my office contributed to this lesson being learned rather quickly.
4) I miss naps - You know those cold rainy days where the sun never shines and it seems like the day started at twilight? You know how all you wanna do on days like that is get into bed and spend the day watching TV, reading my blog and sleeping? Turns out that isn't enough of a reason to take a nap on the break room couch. Also, "I was just just looking for some change I thought I may have dropped between the cushions," apparently not a believable cover for laying face down on said couch.
3) Snow is not my friend - We had it good snow and me. For twenty-one years of schooling snow had my back. A foot here, a foot there, and I was spending the day with the 'Gilmore Girls' (dude I don't care, the mom is hot, deal with it). But now, like Brutus in the Senate, like Brain Macnamee in the Mitchel report, like Matt Damon in 'The Departed' (in that scene where he offs Nicholson), snow turned on me. No more is it my ally in apathy, my partner in passivity, my teammate in torpor. No. Snow is my enemy; an obstacle to be overcome. She teases me, forcing newscasters to talk of school closings, constantly reminding me of the pleasures I once enjoyed, but never again will. Snow, you suck!
2) There's no such thing as done - Work and homework, not the same. With homework, the sooner you finish, the sooner you're done. At work, the sooner you finish, the sooner you have
more work. It is a cruel, oppressive Sisyphean, cycle that drains the joy out of finishing aproject. It's like that depressed unemployed friend who sucks the humor out of the room and makes you contemplate what method of suicide is best. Like being Britney Spears' mom.
1) Lying is good - Are you done yet? No. When will you be done? Next week. Can you handle any more work? No. As if centuries of men getting laid weren't enough to teach us this lesson lying is good. So please; deceive, dissemble, distort, equivocate, falsify, fib. For God's sake, LIE! Lying is good, it's healthy, it's American.
OK that took way longer than I planned, you ingrates better enjoy this.
If I Ran The World
I know it's been a while since last we conversed, but after giving it some thought I've decided that re-starting my blog is a good way to rationalize my slowing progress on my novel and avoid the judgmental eyes of my exercise bike. So, without further ado, like a phoenix from its ashes, like Roger Clemens from retirement, like herpes from wherever herpes goes when it's asymptomatic, I, your favorite misanthrope, return to you. (Yes, I realize I just compared myself to an STD, I'm rusty, give me a break).
I report to you today from the front lines of employment and I am here to tell you that all is not right in the world. Accordingly, I am providing you with the first installment in what may be a multi-part (depending on whether I think of any more) exposé on the abuses of the American workforce.
Top 5 Things I've Learned About Working Since My Last Post
5) Napping at work is frowned upon - Sadly the glass wall of my office contributed to this lesson being learned rather quickly.
4) I miss naps - You know those cold rainy days where the sun never shines and it seems like the day started at twilight? You know how all you wanna do on days like that is get into bed and spend the day watching TV, reading my blog and sleeping? Turns out that isn't enough of a reason to take a nap on the break room couch. Also, "I was just just looking for some change I thought I may have dropped between the cushions," apparently not a believable cover for laying face down on said couch.
3) Snow is not my friend - We had it good snow and me. For twenty-one years of schooling snow had my back. A foot here, a foot there, and I was spending the day with the 'Gilmore Girls' (dude I don't care, the mom is hot, deal with it). But now, like Brutus in the Senate, like Brain Macnamee in the Mitchel report, like Matt Damon in 'The Departed' (in that scene where he offs Nicholson), snow turned on me. No more is it my ally in apathy, my partner in passivity, my teammate in torpor. No. Snow is my enemy; an obstacle to be overcome. She teases me, forcing newscasters to talk of school closings, constantly reminding me of the pleasures I once enjoyed, but never again will. Snow, you suck!
2) There's no such thing as done - Work and homework, not the same. With homework, the sooner you finish, the sooner you're done. At work, the sooner you finish, the sooner you have
more work. It is a cruel, oppressive Sisyphean, cycle that drains the joy out of finishing aproject. It's like that depressed unemployed friend who sucks the humor out of the room and makes you contemplate what method of suicide is best. Like being Britney Spears' mom.
1) Lying is good - Are you done yet? No. When will you be done? Next week. Can you handle any more work? No. As if centuries of men getting laid weren't enough to teach us this lesson lying is good. So please; deceive, dissemble, distort, equivocate, falsify, fib. For God's sake, LIE! Lying is good, it's healthy, it's American.
OK that took way longer than I planned, you ingrates better enjoy this.
If I Ran The World
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