YOU'RE NOT STILL WALKING ARE YOU?

Sorry for the long absence Readers. Between joining a gym, actually going to said gym and being the proud owner of a fancy new smart phone, I find my free time has become more spare than the shmorgasbord at a vegan wedding. Still, I could never completely abandon you and so I bring you, just in time for spring, an argument for the ages.

While not a member of the institution myself, most of my friends and co-workers seem to either be married or in long-term committed relationships. This vantage point allows me to study, Jane Goodall style, the mystifying prevelance of the phenomena known as "Let's go for a walk". I can't say with any certainty when "let's go for a walk" began.  Perhaps it started in Australia where "Take a walk" means leave me alone.  As in:

Female:  Honey, we should go out tonight, it's so nice outside!
Foster's drinker: Oh, take a walk why dontcha?

While I applaud the sentiment of this noble descendant of thieves, debtors and people too scary to pass the Statue of Liberty's smell test, it was perhaps not the best choice of words. Australia has 529,000 square miles of desert, 18% of the continent is desert, only ten percent of the country is habitable, just look at this picture, how much green do you see? If you're in Australia and someone suggests going for a walk, they know you can't be serious. Unfortunately, as with all things imported from Australia, something has been lost along the way. 

Ponder for a minute the history of man, his greatest achievements, his successes; the invention of the wheel, the boat, celestial navigation, the steam engine, the internal combustion engine, the automobile, manned flight, the highway, the transporter (more of a concept device at present, but I believe).  All of these accomplishments serve one purpose, avoiding walking. Man has been trying to avoid going for a walk since he left the cave. Why would we willingly go for a walk? A walk that your partner will willingly admit has no purpose aside from walking itself.  I don't mean to belabor the point, but the following are a list of options science has given us to avoid walking:

Unicycle
Bicycle
Tricycle
Motorcycle
Scooter
Moped
Car
ATV
Subways
Buses
Plane
Helicopter
Hang glider
Hot air balloon
Blimps
Dirigibles
Segway
The Uno
The Winglet
The Rascal
Wheelchairs
Skateboards
Roller skates
Roller Blade
Heely's
Ice skates
Skis
Snowboards
Hovercrafts
Canoe
Kayak
Sailboat
Yacht
Retarded Giant
Carriage
Gullible Parents
and many many more...

There's also sitting, but I won't get into that. Look I understand you think you like going for a walk, but hundreds of years of science say that it's outdated, outmoded and archaic.  Let me put it in terms you can understand. Walking is the Zune. Sure you can do it, but none of the cool kids are.

A PROPORTIONAL RESPONSE

I'm going to open with a bit of site news.  For those of you who are unaware this little site, much like the awesomeness that was Better Off Ted, is a bit of a secret to most of the world. Or at least it was.  I know this will come as a bit of a disappointment to the few of you who came here on your own for nothing more than the sarcastic nectar flowing from my fingers (Disclaimer: This site is run by a professional, if you're leaking sarcasm nectar or maintain sarcasm for more than four hours you should consult your physician as it could result in long-term damage to personal relationships and wallets.), but blog traffic has increased several hundred fold in recent weeks. While I wish I could credit this to a sudden rise in the IQ of people with internet access, or at least good taste, I'm afraid the truth is it's all thanks to Lindsey Vonn.  You see, in my story about Ms. Vonn, I happened to link to several pictures of her in various states of swim preparedness.  These links apparently pop up in Google searches I don't know how many of you are reading this now, but whichever of you are, please, trust me on this; I'm better than porn, well, unless it's good porn.

In other news the network administrator at my office has seen fit to block Gmail's chat feature.  Now, those of you who have committed my blog entries to memory (it's all about the mnemonic devices people) are well aware that my favorite Newtonian Rule (what like you don't have one?) is the Third Law of Motion; To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. At this point I'm sure you're wondering why I chose the law of reciprocal actions when everyone knows all the money and women are in the second law. I'll tell you why, because the third law explains the fundamental concepts in interpersonal relationships, You paid me a compliment, I remember you fondly.  You buy me a birthday present, I buy you one, You launch a nuclear warhead at my country, I launch one at yours. It's what keeps us safe and sane.  Accordingly, the actions of my network administrator require a proportional response on my part.  I imagine they expected that the result of their action would be more work on my part, but they failed to understand Newton, you see, the rule is equal and opposite.  Opposite.  Well, vengeance shall be mine.  Let physics reign!

Interesting trivia fact for the day: Pumpernickel means 'Devil's flatulence' in German. Which is odd, because you wouldn't think the devil would have trouble with digestion.

WOULD THAT THEY WERE

Have you ever found yourself halfway through a thought - a well reasoned, eloquently phrased gem of a bon mot - only to find yourself suddenly stunted in your narrative progress by the vagaries and caprice of grammatical chance?  If you are at all like me, you are very lucky.  You are also likely to have similarly suffered.  I speak today of words that are not words.

I pride myself on being a man of logic (unless of course logic isn't on my side, in which case I consider myself a man of passion, unless that isn't on my side either, in which case I consider myself a man of action, to wit: agree with me or I'll act upon your face) and if a logical progression leads me down a road, I expect language to follow along with me.  Sometimes, however, English decides that it isn't flexible, like a GPS that won't give you an alternate route (You know what, maybe I don't want to take the Belt Parkway, did you think of that smarty pants? Huh? Maybe I had a bad experience with it and would feel safer taking the BQE.  I'll bet youe little micro-chip didn't think of that did it TomTom. And really, why should I take advice from the only thing with a dumber name than BillyBob anyway. At least BillyBob's two different words, you just sound like your toaster parents were stutterers, or really indecisive.  We'll call him, Tom... Tom, yes definitely Tom, Tom it is.).  Anyway, my point is,  perhaps you find yourself telling a good story, and like any good storyteller, you want to make use of a rhetorical device or two, for example floating opposites. So you start your snide comment about your date the other night and you know you're going to nail the [gender neutral] for being a talkative bore so you start with "Well, [gender neutral] was overly chatty, but..." and just as your about to lower the boom, you realize that while English gave you "overly" it didn't see fit to bless you with it's antonym "underly". And so, instead of you being the sarcastic genius skewering your date, you're the kebab.

So yeah, that sucks.

I'LL TAKE FAT AND HAIRY, ALEX

I came across an interesting article yesterday. Now, before I discuss said article, I'd like to take a moment to thank, or, as the people who still use the word 'bling' like to say, 'shout out' to Google Buzz for connecting me to Tony and to Tony, himself, for feeling compelled to share with the world that he is, scientifically proven, highly desirable to women.

As those of you who clicked the link already know (see what happens when you prepare?), the article details the results of a poll conducted on 2,500 women in England.  The pollsters (so named because 'strangers who call you at home and ask you intrusive personal questions' has too many words for a job title) asked women what their secret turn-ons were and what they really wanted in a partner. Among the alleged discoveries:

The poll of 2,500 women also revealed that 91% would actually prefer a guy who had a few flaws over someone who is perfect. And more than half would rather a guy who was soft and cuddly instead of toned and muscly.

Apparently, the people at the newspaper reporting the story were shocked by the results. Going so far as to say:

'But these results prove that women secretly want something different. It seems women really do like a guy who is able to show a softer side, or who is carrying a little bit of extra weight.


'I'm sure it's a relief to men all over the country to find out that women aren't actually looking for that perfect guy.'

I don't know about you, but none of this comes as a surprise to me. I'll tell you why.  They asked the wrong question.  If these same women were given a multiple choice test featuring coventionally good looking men and Jack Black and were then asked to choose which one was most attractive, dollars to munchkins (I like them better than donuts), the answers would conform to People Magazine's expectations.  However, once the question is personalized, what would you prefer in your man we leave the realm of the objective and enter the subjective zone.  Now, much like Twilight Zone the Subjective Zone is a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind...a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination.  In the subjective zone the question isn't, is this man attractive, it's; How do you imagine you're life would be with this man. Would you be happy?  Would he get on your nerves?  Are you OK with men using hair gel?

Once those factors are taken into account we view the results differently. Women don't want a perfect man?  OF COURSE NOT!  Who'd want to spend their lives with someone who gave them body image issues?  The question isn't, what do women find attractive it's, what would they be comfortable comparing themselves to for all eternity.  Now if I asked you, do you think women want to date someone prettier than they are, would you be surprised by the answer? Didn't think so.  If you want to know what women find attractive, or anyone for that matter, don't make their answer dependent on insecurities.  That being said, thank God for insecurities.

NOT SO GREAT EXPECTATIONS

So I've been thinking about this issue for a while, but I hadn't delved into it because, well, I didn't want to come across as a sexist or misogynist.  Thankfully, today I realized that I've written stuff that's way more offensive to women than what I'm about to discuss so I don't have to worry (that logic works, right?). 

My question is this: Why is Lindsey Vonn famous?

I grant you this question would be more valid if I'd had the testicular fortitude to ask it before she won a gold medal and was in the lead for a second crashed in her attempt at a second (though, from a notoriety point of view, if you want to get famous for failing you should probably do it this way; the unexpected is much more memorable), but I think the question remains valid.  It's been widely reported that if, as she did, Ms. Vonn were to win a gold medal she'd command as much in endorsements as Michael Phelps (I think he's the one on the left). To compare, Michael Phelps is the most decorated Olympian EVER, Lindsey Vonn has a gold medal. Also, Michael Phelps has about 18 extra teeth, hang gliders for ears and, if possible, looks like a more retarded version of Eli Manning.  Lindsey Vonn was in Sports Illustrated's swimsuit edition.

This may have been obvious before, but if you're a reasonably attractive women, it's decidedly in your best interests to become an athlete. On a related note: If you're a dude and look like Michael Phelps or Eli Manning, you want to be a really really good athlete. Generally speaking, for women, the hotter you are, the less actual success you need to have, and thus the less talented you need to be. Ironically, given the apparent paucity of attractive women in professional sports, you even get graded on a curve. Not that I would ever rank women on a scale of 1-10 (1-100 is far more accurate, it's like using the metric system), but Lindsey Vonn isn't gorgeous.  She's a pretty girl, no doubt, but she wouldn't be famous for being pretty if she couldn't ski.  What people mean when they call her 'gorgeous' is really: Gorgeous for a woman's athlete. It's sort of the way you'd judge a white guy dunking a basketball or Sarah Palin's debate skills. It may not be accurate, but I guess it's the least we can do for ignoring the athletic accomplishments of less attractive female athletes the world over. See also: Danica Patrick

Not to be heretical, but I think Avatar falls into a similar category.  As an unceasingly hyped, special effects heavy, blue giants with tails and a USB cable, 3-D movie, expectations for its quality were understandably low.  When it failed to be the worst movie of the year, the relief that it failed to live down to those low expectations made people see it as a great movie rather than a good one.  Those same low expectations that caused people to call Lindsey Vonn gorgeous, got Avatar an Oscar nomination. True story.

Poll to your left (mine too).

CHINESE TAKE OUT

Sorry for the lack of posting last week Readers.  I can't say I have a good excuse, but you should probably know I'm using my puppy dog eyes, so really, how could you stay mad at me? 

That being said, I do feel much more energetic after the long weekend and plan a full posting schedule this week. Still, I probably shouldn't to commit to anything, not because I'm afraid of commitment, I believe that's currently in the 'debatable' category, but because a wise man, I think it was Schopenhauer, said, "your ego should never write checks your body can't cash". Maybe not, I tend to get my Nineteenth century German philosophers and 80's movie stars confused all the time. You'd be shocked how many times I mistook Hegel and his dialectics for the German terrorist Hans Gruber in Die Hard. Sorry Georg Wilhelm!

Anyway, I missed Valentine's Day and the start of the Olympics, two topics ripe for abuse and that kind of saddens me. I'll leave Valentine's Day alone for now because I'm still in shock that in Japan women are expected to give men chocolate and receive nothing in return.  I know Japan's been taking a lot of crap lately, what with Toyota's accidentally setting land speed records left, right and tree, but I think we need to acknowledge their ingenuity for a moment.  Sure, they eventually created a holiday on which men have reciprocate a month later, but it took over forty years for it to catch on. The best we could do was deny women voting rights for 144 years, how did that save me any money?

What? Too soon?

Speaking of things that come to soon, I don't think I ever realized how young most Olympians are until this year. I don't mean to say that it makes anything they do more impressive, I still have no idea why cross country skiing and target practice were combined.  It's like a bad infomercial product - it's a toothbrush and a caulker! - it's just now I kind of feel bad for inventing a game where you win by picking the athlete who falls, crashes, or otherwise humiliates themselves most (By the way if you want the rules feel free to ask me in the comments section. It makes figure skating surprisingly watchable). Perhaps the most amusing aspect of the Games, now that my conscience has sucked the freude from their schaden, is listening to the announcers sing the praises of foreign nations training regimens, in particular, China. I was watching the pairs figure skating last night (double the amount of falls), when I heard the announcer wax on (wax off!) about how dedicated the Chinese pair was to their training, whilst apparently forgetting about the whole Communism/child abuse/human rights violations thing.  The putative gold medal favorites, he told the story of how they (were) moved out of their homes when they were children, I think he said 8 years old but I can't confirm it right now (Knowledge drop: If you type Chinese and Zhang into the google search box, you don't narrow the field all that much).  Anyway they were both living in these special athlete dorms (one for boys one for girls) when they met and got paired up.  Eventually they got married and here's the kicker, they still live in the same dorms.  The announcer, I imagine China owns his home loan, was trying so hard to play this up as a positive, went so far as to say, "Zhang and Zhang are among the most dedicated athletes at the Games, they're a married couple, but to further their success they still live in the athlete dorms in China, only seeing each other at meal times and during training."  Of course, now that Mr. Zhang fell, I doubt she'll be seeing him at all.  I'd like to see him spin that in 4 years. "Zhang and Zhang are skating for China, not to be confused with the Zhang and Zhang from Vancouver 2010.  After Zhang's fall, the Chinese goverment executed her husband  in order to pair her with a more competent skater, what dedication!"

P.S. Yes, I realize that I gave Zhang's new husband her surname.  You wanna make something of it?

SUGAR HIGH

Here are a few things that I've noticed while pondering whether I can get asbestos poisoning from accidentally snorting the topping off a powdered donut:

- Powdered donuts are really hard to eat.  In case you were wondering, the proper procedure for safely eating a powdered donut without coating your lungs or clothing with confectionery sugar is as follows: Inhale, hold your breath, open your mouth, insert donut, take a bite and remove donut from the vicinity of your breathing apparati, inhale again. Repeat.

- The Apocalypse, or rather post-apocalypse seems to be quite popular at the movies these days The Road, Book Of Eli, From Paris with Love.  Accordingly, I feel I've learned enough about life on post-apocalyptic earth to give you a bit of a preview:

• Despite the fact that the nuclear blast destroyed pretty much everything, sunglasses and goggles will be available to all, you know, because glass is so not fragile.  Hot women and heroes will also be lucky enough to get what appear to be scratch proof Oakleys.
• In the post-apocalypse, dental hygiene is the new racism. You'll be able to tell how important someone is to your world by their teeth.  If they have nice shiny ones, they're clearly key members of some unknown narrative.  If not, they're pretty much the token black guy in a horror movie.
• A fat, earinged, bald headed, post-middle-aged, John Travolta, will star in an action movie, as an action hero.

- Without Google I could not hope to spell the following expressions, many of which I use:

• Hoi Polloi
• C'est la vie
• Je ne sais quoi
• Que sera sera

- In a related note, do you think the French's profligate vowel usage is their way of sticking it to the Nazi's and their consonant heavy German?

- This is my new favorite website: http://www.unnecessaryquotes.com/

- When did not having plans for the Superbowl become the new, 'not having a date for Valentine's day'?

- Is it wrong to complain about having nothing to do at work? Or is this one of those situations where boredom doesn't get you any sympathy?

- Another related note: I don't mean to imply that I haven't had enough to do at work anything, but I've officially finished reading the internet.  Spoiler alert: Bruce Willis was dead the whole time!

- It isn't hypocritical for you to judge someone for reading a Dan Brown book on the train as long as you were embarrassed enough to remove the dust jacket when you read it on the train.

- Is this post just a long list of tweets?

- This town should look into changing its name.  This one too, now that I think about it.

- This was fun!