Busy day today friends, busy day. I find myself unable to loaf , relax or otherwise ignore the work sitting on my desk. I must say, I find this disconcerting. So I have come here, my home away from TV, to force myself to be unprodctive, we shall see how it goes.
Yesterday I spoke of the perils of planet sized glutei squishing parts of your thigh whilst one makes use of public transportation. An intelligent reader, recognizing genius when he/she sees it, made use of the comments option to me for advice (Yes, I know I too was shocked to discover it is possible to post comments). He/she wrote that he/she has often been sat on and asked me for a solution. Well folks, after 12-16 seconds of pondering the solution came to me. From now on, when there is an empty seat next to you, if you see a gluteus super maximus lowering itself towards you, simply say, "seat's wet." If this is a cloth seat, as on the bus I ride, or at a movie theater, you're home free, if it is a plastic seat such as a train, one may be forced to spill just a bit of water , but really, is that too high a price to avoiding be maimed by a 200lb butt cheek? Anyway, I think this is the perfect solution, but, if like me, you prefer something a little more covoluted, the following are effective, yet rejected solutions:
Top Ten Ways To Get/Keep The Seat Next To You Empty:
#10 - Hey lady, what do you think you're doing!? You almost sat on my imaginary friend.
#9 - Make the beeep beeeep beeeeep sound trucks make when they shift into reverse as she starts to back her way into the seat.
#8 - Scream "Look! Cookies!"
#7 - Put a model mouse on the seat, you know, cuz elephants are afraid of mice
#6 - This may be a bit excessive and redundant given the prior suggestion of pouring water on the seat, but this is a guaranteed winner. Mark the seat as part of your territory by rubbing up against it, then peeing on it.
Note: seat will smell like pee, that may be a deal breaker for you, I don't know.
#5 - Wait till he's sat down, then ask him if he's been saved by the Lord Jesus Christ
#4 - In a just barely audible but creepy whisper say, "mmm, now that's what I call cushion for the pushin.'"
#3 - Order, and and read on said train, "Cannibal's Monthly"
#2 - Point at the seat then at the tuchus and say "Let me guess, you failed geometry."
#1 - Knock on his belly and say, "John? John! Are you in there?"
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Now, I don't know how much experience you have had with fat women, but they are not a happy bunch. Your ideas, while having merit, will just result in you getting smacked in the face(with the exception of the peeing on the seat, then you can have the whole side of the car to yourself).
ReplyDeleteYes, but how many will slap you then sit beside you?
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