Monumental news readers (both of you), it would seem my summer of sloth has come to an end. This Friday will mark the last day of my retirement, and this Monday will mark my return to New York's tax base. So, with work, and, inevitably, lots of free time in my afternoon's on the horizon (don't worry, I work for the city), I turn back to the blog. Thus without further ado (OK, feel free to make a reasonable amount of ado if you like)I fill you in on:
WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT PEOPLE DURING RETIREMENT
Lesson #1 - PEOPLE ARE JUDGMENTAL - You complain to a few people that calling at noon on a Tuesday is cutting into your rest, you invite a friend or two to for breakfast at 2pm, and all of a sudden people think you need to find something to do with your time. To all you haters out there (hehe, haters), I'm doing something with my time, it's called sleeping!
Lesson #2 - PEOPLE ARE SENSITIVE- I don't know maybe it's just me but I think damning me to hell is a bit of an overreaction. So I called you at work at 10:30pm and you still had hours to go before you could leave; so I laughed and laughed and laughed; so I mentioned I'd already taken two naps in the past 14 hours. I think we need to focus on the more important issues, like your anger management problems.
Lesson #3 - PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THEMSELVES VERY MUCH - I know I touched on this in lesson #1, but people truly don't understand how I could stand having all this free time. They couldn't understand how I was going to be able to amuse myself every day for, what turned out to be, two months (please keep your 'the the answer is stamina' jokes to yourself). 'All your friends work', they said. 'You won't have anyone to talk to', they said. I tried explaining to them that I had me. That I found myself funny, smart, entertaining and yes, if I'm honest, dead sexy. I mean really, what more could you ask for out of company?
Lesson #4 - PEOPLE THINK I'M A NARCISSIST - No comment.
Lesson #5 - AFTER ALL THIS TIME PEOPLE STILL UNDERRATE THE INTERNET - I woke up this morning before 10 am, go ahead, I'll wait for you to pick up your jaw, got it? OK, as I was saying I was up early this morning and after attending to my morning rituals (quick aside: the FDA recommends 32 grams of dietary fiber a day for men)I hopped on line to peruse recent developments in current events; politics, business, the economy, world news and sports. Seeing how it's October and a Thursday there were no football, hockey or basketball games for my local teams the night before and the Yankees and Mets were both out of they playoffs so I figured I'd start with the shortest topic and went straight to the sports sections of various websites and newspapers. Long story short, it's 6:30 pm and I decided to take a break from reading about baseball to write this post.
God I'll miss being retired.
Oct 23, 2008
May 7, 2008
THE CUISINE OF ETHIOPIA
So I forgot my wallet at home today. I suppose I'm fortunate not to have been involved in some embarrassing story where I'm unable to pay for a meal I've just eaten, but the truth is, I think I'd prefer that eventuality to the present one.
You see, I'm hungry!
I don't know how familiar you all are with the human male's physiology, but it is a scientific fact that hungry men are grumpier and less efficient than their well-fed counterparts. Now, as I'm inefficient even when well-fed (actually I'm borderline comatose after a good shawrma platter), this hunger vaults me from inefficient all the way up to detrimental.
That being said, I'm still quite grumpy and this serves little to no use. Let me give you an example: Apparently one of the secretaries in our NJ office lost her father (I don't mean this in sense where you start talking about the internet and the eyes of your parental unit glaze over and the words "well, just don't talk to anyone long distance" plop out {or is that just my mother?}[speaking of which how old do you have to be to think you still have to worry about long distance])
Anyway, her dad died, and because we care, someone bought her a greeting card, to which we were all expected add our names and condolences. Now, we've covered greeting cards on here before (I'd link to it, but like there's that whole hunger = useless thing), but I think rhyming couplets reach a whole new level of absurd when it's an 'I'm sorry for your loss' card. I mean, is that really the time for a limerick? "I'm sorry your father went and kicked the bucket, but did your hear the one about the girl from Nantucket?" Actually, that's rather funny, but I'm kind of twisted like that, and I'm assuming most people aren't borderline sociopathic.
Hmm, I feel like I may have drifted from my point, where was I? Ah, yes, so they gave me this dumb card to sign in middle of what should have been my lunch hour. My stomach is rumbling, I'm seeing spots, and at that moment, I was of the opinion her father was better off than the rest of us. I know it doesn't justify it, but I don't care, I wrote it and i stand by it! OK, so maybe drawing an arrow toward said limerick and writing "what he said" isn't the most friendly gesture, but there's a good reason I didn't sign my name next to it!
You see, I'm hungry!
I don't know how familiar you all are with the human male's physiology, but it is a scientific fact that hungry men are grumpier and less efficient than their well-fed counterparts. Now, as I'm inefficient even when well-fed (actually I'm borderline comatose after a good shawrma platter), this hunger vaults me from inefficient all the way up to detrimental.
That being said, I'm still quite grumpy and this serves little to no use. Let me give you an example: Apparently one of the secretaries in our NJ office lost her father (I don't mean this in sense where you start talking about the internet and the eyes of your parental unit glaze over and the words "well, just don't talk to anyone long distance" plop out {or is that just my mother?}[speaking of which how old do you have to be to think you still have to worry about long distance])
Anyway, her dad died, and because we care, someone bought her a greeting card, to which we were all expected add our names and condolences. Now, we've covered greeting cards on here before (I'd link to it, but like there's that whole hunger = useless thing), but I think rhyming couplets reach a whole new level of absurd when it's an 'I'm sorry for your loss' card. I mean, is that really the time for a limerick? "I'm sorry your father went and kicked the bucket, but did your hear the one about the girl from Nantucket?" Actually, that's rather funny, but I'm kind of twisted like that, and I'm assuming most people aren't borderline sociopathic.
Hmm, I feel like I may have drifted from my point, where was I? Ah, yes, so they gave me this dumb card to sign in middle of what should have been my lunch hour. My stomach is rumbling, I'm seeing spots, and at that moment, I was of the opinion her father was better off than the rest of us. I know it doesn't justify it, but I don't care, I wrote it and i stand by it! OK, so maybe drawing an arrow toward said limerick and writing "what he said" isn't the most friendly gesture, but there's a good reason I didn't sign my name next to it!
May 5, 2008
BY ANY OTHER NAME
So, where was I?
I must say, I've missed our little chats. I know it's a bit of a cliche, but you guys are really just great listeners; I always feel comfortable opening up to you. I mean if not for you, observations like, "Cinco de Mayo being the worst ever name for a holiday", would just disappear amongst the synapses and ganglia. Now, don't get too pleased with yourselves, I am after all doing all the work, and to be honest, you aren't exactly the most stimulating company, so there's plenty of room for improvement. That being said, here it is:
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Cinco de Mayo - I'll be honest, I've done no research at all on this matter, but I think it's fair (not that I care) to say that this is pretty much the dumbest name for a holiday in the brief history of man and long weekends. Seriously, The guy who thought up CSI Green Bay used more creativity than whoever established this holiday. Things sounding cooler in Spanish aside, the name for the holiday that falls on May fifth is, May fifth. Even Big Bird thinks that name lacks imagination.
#4 - Tomato Juice - You know what occurred to me a second and a half into taking my first ever sip of tomato juice? If you can pour it on pasta and call it a sauce, you shouldn't be allowed to call it juice. I'm sure lycopene is really good for me and all, but I don't think that's any excuse for putting a straw in tomato sauce and calling it a beverage. I have no proof but I'm relatively certain the people behind this fiasco are the same ones that brought us soy MILK (I never knew soy beans had nipples).
#3 - Allergies - Now, far be it from me to question the good old prime mover, but as we turn the calendar to spring, I feel I must once again question the utility of of allergies. I'm not quarrelling with the existence of disease, I understand a thinning of the herd is necessary for the greater good, but I don't understand how having mucus and tears leak and fill every orifice in my head contributes in any way to society's greater good. Was God concerned that with Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts aging and the 'Sex and the City' Generation taking front and center, the tissue industry would crumble? Judging by the fact that Patrick Dempsey still has a career I'd venture to say that they're doing just fine. So how about it big guy?
#2 - CEO's - Look, I'm as greedy as the next Jew, but even I find myself throwing up in my mouth when I hear a CEO say that cutting his pay from $400,000,000 would be bad for the economy because if we cut the pay for CEO's we won't be able to attract the greatest talents. Let's ignore for a moment the fact that turning a massive profit while running an oil company is a job that a retarded, dyslexic, product of incest, orangutan could do without having to take a break from pulling fleas out of his coat, but is someone out there really saying that there are geniuses out there who would give up a career in business because they'd only make $300,000,000? What are they going to do instead? Invent Soy milk?
#1 - The fact that haven't seen 'Ironman' yet - If this lasts any longer I'm pretty sure I'll be the subject of the Scarlet Letter II. There are people in Ethiopia who traded this week's rotten banana for tickets to that movie. Speaking of which, I was reading a cooking magazine (shut up) and there was an article entitled, 'The Cuisine of Ethiopia' I'd do a joke but it almost seems like overkill.
I must say, I've missed our little chats. I know it's a bit of a cliche, but you guys are really just great listeners; I always feel comfortable opening up to you. I mean if not for you, observations like, "Cinco de Mayo being the worst ever name for a holiday", would just disappear amongst the synapses and ganglia. Now, don't get too pleased with yourselves, I am after all doing all the work, and to be honest, you aren't exactly the most stimulating company, so there's plenty of room for improvement. That being said, here it is:
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Cinco de Mayo - I'll be honest, I've done no research at all on this matter, but I think it's fair (not that I care) to say that this is pretty much the dumbest name for a holiday in the brief history of man and long weekends. Seriously, The guy who thought up CSI Green Bay used more creativity than whoever established this holiday. Things sounding cooler in Spanish aside, the name for the holiday that falls on May fifth is, May fifth. Even Big Bird thinks that name lacks imagination.
#4 - Tomato Juice - You know what occurred to me a second and a half into taking my first ever sip of tomato juice? If you can pour it on pasta and call it a sauce, you shouldn't be allowed to call it juice. I'm sure lycopene is really good for me and all, but I don't think that's any excuse for putting a straw in tomato sauce and calling it a beverage. I have no proof but I'm relatively certain the people behind this fiasco are the same ones that brought us soy MILK (I never knew soy beans had nipples).
#3 - Allergies - Now, far be it from me to question the good old prime mover, but as we turn the calendar to spring, I feel I must once again question the utility of of allergies. I'm not quarrelling with the existence of disease, I understand a thinning of the herd is necessary for the greater good, but I don't understand how having mucus and tears leak and fill every orifice in my head contributes in any way to society's greater good. Was God concerned that with Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts aging and the 'Sex and the City' Generation taking front and center, the tissue industry would crumble? Judging by the fact that Patrick Dempsey still has a career I'd venture to say that they're doing just fine. So how about it big guy?
#2 - CEO's - Look, I'm as greedy as the next Jew, but even I find myself throwing up in my mouth when I hear a CEO say that cutting his pay from $400,000,000 would be bad for the economy because if we cut the pay for CEO's we won't be able to attract the greatest talents. Let's ignore for a moment the fact that turning a massive profit while running an oil company is a job that a retarded, dyslexic, product of incest, orangutan could do without having to take a break from pulling fleas out of his coat, but is someone out there really saying that there are geniuses out there who would give up a career in business because they'd only make $300,000,000? What are they going to do instead? Invent Soy milk?
#1 - The fact that haven't seen 'Ironman' yet - If this lasts any longer I'm pretty sure I'll be the subject of the Scarlet Letter II. There are people in Ethiopia who traded this week's rotten banana for tickets to that movie. Speaking of which, I was reading a cooking magazine (shut up) and there was an article entitled, 'The Cuisine of Ethiopia' I'd do a joke but it almost seems like overkill.
Apr 30, 2008
A LESS THAN AWESOME VACATION
I know, I know, I've been gone for a while. I know what some of you're thinking, he ran out of stuff to complain about, he got lazy, realized no one was ever going to post a comment. These, friends, are lies! I will never run out of things to complain about. I have always been lazy and well, OK that last one's probably true, ingrates! Anyway, the truth is, embarrassing as it might be, I've been working! (I apologize, I realize that was an awful lot of exclamation points for a single paragraph) I don't know how it happened. It started out, innoucuously enough, with one attorney tendering her resignation. Her work was disbursed among the remaining attorneys and i thought life would go along as normal. Only it didn't. It would seem, unlike me, the other attorneys actually do quite a lot of what I had been heretofore calling "work", only they do it without the quotation marks. So that, in short (or long), is where I've been. Also baseball season started and my fantasy baseball teams are in contention. Whatever, you're just jealous. Anyway, that's all for now, but I'll be back with more soon, it looks like I only have to "work" in the near future.
Mar 24, 2008
ALL I CARE ABOUT IS... ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR HAIRCUT?
THE TOP FIVE THINGS THAT BOTHER ME TODAY:
#1 - People who think I’m dumb – JP Morgan has today announced that it will raise its offer for Bear Stearns from $2 per share to $10 per share. For all you liberal arts majors out there, they’ve quintupled their offer. This leads us to ask, why? Need to ask why? But didn’t JP Morgan give a reason for upping its offer by 500%? Yes, yes they did, and here it is: “we want to pacify angry Bear shareholders.”
Really? That’s the best they could come up with? In essence, they’re asking you to believe that they’re willing to quintuple their offer, not because they think that Bear Stearns is a steal even at five times the price, not because the government has essentially indemnified you against any loss by guaranteeing $30 BILLION in losses, but because they want to appease people who are angry? Who believes this crap?
They upped the offer not because angry people would reject the offer and further weaken the economy, but because they’re greedy vultures who, after thinking they’d safely snuck away with a well preserved carcass found themselves under the glaring spotlight of other vultures, vultures who asked; why didn’t the government ask me if I’d pay more to buy BS? Vultures who said; hell, the building alone is worth over a billion dollars and really, how much can they be on the hook for over and above $30 billion in guarantees? (I grant you that the whole ‘vulture’ analogy fell apart rather quickly, unless of course vultures have an organized system of government with a central bank and spotlights, but I feel like the comparison remains apt.)
#2 – People who discuss their aberrant lifestyles on the bus – Things I don’t want to hear a man talking about at 8am: 1) The various threesomes in which you have engaged 2) The moral hazards of dating two sisters and why you should be excused for their violations (morals and sisters) 3) Interest rates on 15 year T-bills in relation to junk bonds. That last one was unrelated but you know, it’s still annoying.
#3 – Time – I can’t decide if I want it to go by faster or slower. It’s really making me sound like a hypocrite. Though maybe we could have some sort of relativity machine that makes time feel slower on weekends, but faster on weekdays, but not on legal holidays, or sick days or vacation, or at night when I get home from work. OK I think I may need some more time with this.
#4 – Internet sites that hide customer service numbers – Who on God’s green Earth decided that a FAQ list could take the place of a customer service number? You know what question I asked frequently? Where’s the damn number! Didn’t see that on their precious little list. Now I know even if I get to customer service I’ll get screwed worse than those two sisters, but dude, come on, at least pretend like you care that I’m unsatisfied. Throw me a bone!
#5 – Reporters and their dumb questions Part II – There was a shooting outside some sports bar in the Bronx last night so of course the local news sent a reporter up there to interview people who live in the area. This particular reporter had exactly one interview make the cut. Her interviewee, a man who lives in the neighborhood, did not witness the shooting, and knew nothing about the bar, or the people involved. In fact, his knowledge, he said, was limited to the fact that there was a shooting. So what insightful question did our intrepid reporter ask this man with no useful information? Wait for it...
“Does this incident make you feel less safe living here?”
Bam! There it is. The only redeeming feature was the man’s response,
“Well, someone got shot, that doesn’t make me feel more safe.”
#1 - People who think I’m dumb – JP Morgan has today announced that it will raise its offer for Bear Stearns from $2 per share to $10 per share. For all you liberal arts majors out there, they’ve quintupled their offer. This leads us to ask, why? Need to ask why? But didn’t JP Morgan give a reason for upping its offer by 500%? Yes, yes they did, and here it is: “we want to pacify angry Bear shareholders.”
Really? That’s the best they could come up with? In essence, they’re asking you to believe that they’re willing to quintuple their offer, not because they think that Bear Stearns is a steal even at five times the price, not because the government has essentially indemnified you against any loss by guaranteeing $30 BILLION in losses, but because they want to appease people who are angry? Who believes this crap?
They upped the offer not because angry people would reject the offer and further weaken the economy, but because they’re greedy vultures who, after thinking they’d safely snuck away with a well preserved carcass found themselves under the glaring spotlight of other vultures, vultures who asked; why didn’t the government ask me if I’d pay more to buy BS? Vultures who said; hell, the building alone is worth over a billion dollars and really, how much can they be on the hook for over and above $30 billion in guarantees? (I grant you that the whole ‘vulture’ analogy fell apart rather quickly, unless of course vultures have an organized system of government with a central bank and spotlights, but I feel like the comparison remains apt.)
#2 – People who discuss their aberrant lifestyles on the bus – Things I don’t want to hear a man talking about at 8am: 1) The various threesomes in which you have engaged 2) The moral hazards of dating two sisters and why you should be excused for their violations (morals and sisters) 3) Interest rates on 15 year T-bills in relation to junk bonds. That last one was unrelated but you know, it’s still annoying.
#3 – Time – I can’t decide if I want it to go by faster or slower. It’s really making me sound like a hypocrite. Though maybe we could have some sort of relativity machine that makes time feel slower on weekends, but faster on weekdays, but not on legal holidays, or sick days or vacation, or at night when I get home from work. OK I think I may need some more time with this.
#4 – Internet sites that hide customer service numbers – Who on God’s green Earth decided that a FAQ list could take the place of a customer service number? You know what question I asked frequently? Where’s the damn number! Didn’t see that on their precious little list. Now I know even if I get to customer service I’ll get screwed worse than those two sisters, but dude, come on, at least pretend like you care that I’m unsatisfied. Throw me a bone!
#5 – Reporters and their dumb questions Part II – There was a shooting outside some sports bar in the Bronx last night so of course the local news sent a reporter up there to interview people who live in the area. This particular reporter had exactly one interview make the cut. Her interviewee, a man who lives in the neighborhood, did not witness the shooting, and knew nothing about the bar, or the people involved. In fact, his knowledge, he said, was limited to the fact that there was a shooting. So what insightful question did our intrepid reporter ask this man with no useful information? Wait for it...
“Does this incident make you feel less safe living here?”
Bam! There it is. The only redeeming feature was the man’s response,
“Well, someone got shot, that doesn’t make me feel more safe.”
Mar 19, 2008
MOMMY, WOW! I'M A BIG KID NOW!
Hello all,
Before we begin today I just want to ask if any of you caught The Daily Show last night, if so, you'd have heard John Stewart deliver a joke that pretty much copied my 'Oh, he only made those racist threatening remarks because black people are angry, THAT'S a relief' joke. Now I'm not trying to say I have a copyright on the joke, though if any of you out there know anything about copyright infringement, call me, but I thought you'd appreciate knowing that, as a devoted reader of the best blog on the interweb highway, you're always ahead of the current events/comedy curve. Go on, give yourself a pat on the back.
Today's Thoughts:
Before we begin today I just want to ask if any of you caught The Daily Show last night, if so, you'd have heard John Stewart deliver a joke that pretty much copied my 'Oh, he only made those racist threatening remarks because black people are angry, THAT'S a relief' joke. Now I'm not trying to say I have a copyright on the joke, though if any of you out there know anything about copyright infringement, call me, but I thought you'd appreciate knowing that, as a devoted reader of the best blog on the interweb highway, you're always ahead of the current events/comedy curve. Go on, give yourself a pat on the back.
Today's Thoughts:
This Bear Stearns news is becoming fishier and fishier. In case you aren’t aware the trouble started last week when rumors started circulating that BS had a liquidity issue. (Now, while I admit I may not grasp the full depth of the crisis posed by a lack of liquidity, I do understand that when people come asking for money you owe them, you can’t pay them back in office space.) BS responded by saying, no no, we don’t have a liquidity issue, we’re the Evian of investment banking, the Perrier of sub-prime mortgages, the Poland Spring of cash on hand (This may not be the central cause, but as an incidental point, it’s probably not the best idea to invoke Poland, the polish or anything that brings to mind a Polak joke, when defending your business acumen, it could lead to well, more jokes, e.g., how does a Polak solve a liquidity crisis? By selling his stock for a 93% discount!).
Anyway, it would seem people believed these rumors, not the Chairman of BS (though really when evaluating the trustworthiness of a statement, I feel like the guy called the Chairman of BS is at a severe disadvantage.), and in response called in their debts. Accordingly, a liquidity crisis, whether real or imagined before, became, unquestionably, real. What interests me, however (and if it interests me you can be sure you’ll see it on the Daily Show), is that the SEC is now investigating the source of those rumors; attempting to discover if they may have been perpetuated and perpetrated on the market by people who had shorted BS’s stock. In other words, if people made crap up so they’d win their bet about BS going down. This, apparently, is illegal.
More to the point though, I mean rumors are rumors, and people will always wonder if they’re true and maybe speculate on their own (unless they’re about Tom Cruise being a nutbag Scientologist who brainwashed his wife and thinks Earth was spawn by alien’s, in which case they ARE true and doubting them makes you kind of a ‘tard), but what we’re talking about here are rumors, possibly unsubstantiated ones destroying an entire investment bank. BS stock wasn’t sold by uninitiated tourists from Omaha who flinch at the sight of a working car, it was dumped by professionals, people at the top of their field, if they were hookers, Elliot Spitzer wouldn’t be able to afford them. Yet, these supposed masters of their domain, these MBA waving, hair gel smearing, gym at lunch going, fat bonus taking, cowards, wet themselves at the thought of a BS liquidity crisis, like a thirsty octogenarian with bladder control issues. These are the people in charge of our economy, the people’s who’s confidence and fears decide whether we will have to continue pretending the Canadian dollar is worth less than our own or whether we can go back to using them as kindling and toilet paper (surprisingly soft, though not very absorbent) Does this not concern anyone else?
Mar 18, 2008
THE AUDACITY OF RACISM
Just a few quick thoughts today:
- Barrack Obama is torn. He likes his pastor, he feel connected to him after being a member of his church for 20 odd years, but at the same time, it seems the guy is a flaming racist. This wouldn't be a particulary big problem if oh I don't know, say it were 50 years ago and Obama and his pastor were both white, but we have cell phones internet and youtube and so it's a very very big problem. Obama's response, people say dumb things when they're angry, and black people are angry. Black people are angry; I'm sure that will calm the fears of all white people the world over.
- I was going to write today about NY's new governor - a blind man - admitting to having affairs with multiple women several years ago. One doesn't generally admit to these things in advance, but my guess is that, seeing the climate, he decided admitting to having sex with people to whom he wasn't married wouldn't be nearly as bad now, as it would be once the sins of 'Elliot I'll pay more if you don't Spitzer' faded from the collective consciousness. I was going to ask how a man who couldn't even appreciate the concept of identical twins, could desire the company of so many different women and for that matter how he could get away with it. These may well be valid questions, but they've lost my interest. No, the question that does come to mind, the question that seems inevitable is, if the public wants an elected official who won't make dumb decisions for sex, why hasn't it elected more eunuchs and women? Oh that's right, Hillary Clinton.
- Bear Stearns was bought up by Morgan Stanley for $215 million, and the government promised to cover $30 billion in losses should it be necessary. According to my admittedly weak math skills they just got a $30,000 million loan for $215 million or a loan of over $150 for every dollar spent. I can't imagine how we ever got into a mortgage crisis.
Mar 17, 2008
MY HANDS ARE A DEADLY WEAPON
I’m annoyed. That’s right friends, get your ticker tape, contact the balloon people close down the canyon of heroes, I’m annoyed and I’m back with a fresh installment of:
The Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 – Odds – As some of you may know poker is allegedly a game of odds; play when the odds are in your favor and you’ll win money, do otherwise, and you’ll be standing in line next to the employees of Bear Stearns. I played poker last night (for the last time). I played it well. I played the odds; I waited for the right moment to strike, and when the odds were overwhelmingly in my favor, strike I did. Now I say it is allegedly a game of odds because despite my caution, despite my self-control, despite my prayers for an ace not to show up on the river, here I sit with a decidedly lighter wallet. The thing is, no matter how I played the hand, no matter what I might have tried to do otherwise, I was always going to lose. It was ordained, predestined, fated if you will. I don’t know what lesson you’d glean from such a defeat, but I can tell you what I’ve learned; ODDS ARE DUMB! From now on when I play poker (did I say I was never playing again?) I’m going to appeal to a force more powerful than simple odds, an authority more consistent than statistics. So, if anyone knows a good shaman or witch doctor, send them my way, I have a game Saturday night.
#4 – The Media – In case you hadn’t heard twenty story crane collapsed over the weekend, destroying a townhouse and sending rubble and debris out across Second Avenue in New York. Understandably streets were closed, cars were rerouted and traffic has built. Now all of this is newsworthy information, all of this is information a reporter should convey to the public. What pisses me off is when that reporter then takes a camera man into the street to interview the people in said cars, stuck in said traffic. I sat there watching cars around the man being interviewed drive by, slowly, but still, moving. Meanwhile this yutz sat in his car, immobile, answering questions as insightful as, ‘how do you feel about the traffic?’ how does he feel about the traffic!? Are you freaking serious!? Forget the fact that between the yutz the cameraman and the reporter they’re actually making traffic worse, this reporter wants to know if sitting in traffic on your way to work at 8:00 in the morning is pleasant!
So to recap: The reporter reporting on how bad the traffic is is actually making more traffic, while he asks someone stuck in said traffic, if traffic is bad. My head hurts.
#3 – Power Hungry Secretaries - Now don’t get me wrong, generally speaking, I love secretaries. Well, I love the idea of secretaries. Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. Don’t look at me like that, you know you’d do it too if you could. Anyway, before I get too far afield, what I’m talking about are not the secretaries of Congressional fantasies, but the battle axes generally found in doctors offices, standing between you and your physician like that big fiery red demon thing with the whip in the first Lord of the Rings movie. You know the type, they’re arrogant, mad with power and use expressions like, “I’m sorry, but that’s office policy.” I don’t know what it is about having the power to make appointments that makes these bottom rung wretches think they deserve to control their little universe, but someone needs to clarify the chain of command. An appointment book isn’t a weapon, but my fist is, and the next time one of them pulls this crap again, I’ll demonstrate the difference.
#2 – Non-Legal holidays – How is today a holiday? I’m at work, I’m not leaving early, and a fat woman wearing about a gallon of $4 perfume sat on my left thigh on the bus this morning. So while I’m sure St. Patrick did something to someone that makes people wistful, I’d appreciate it if we didn’t call it a holiday. It’s a tease.
#1 – Morons - I wish I could make this a narrower category, but when I’m assigned extra work because the office manager doesn’t think I’m busy because my desk is so clean. I find myself at a loss for words less broad than moron. I mean I can think of plenty of adjectives to put BEFORE moron, but still, moron is the word that comes to mind. Imagine, someone thinking that I have all this free time. Preposterous!
The Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 – Odds – As some of you may know poker is allegedly a game of odds; play when the odds are in your favor and you’ll win money, do otherwise, and you’ll be standing in line next to the employees of Bear Stearns. I played poker last night (for the last time). I played it well. I played the odds; I waited for the right moment to strike, and when the odds were overwhelmingly in my favor, strike I did. Now I say it is allegedly a game of odds because despite my caution, despite my self-control, despite my prayers for an ace not to show up on the river, here I sit with a decidedly lighter wallet. The thing is, no matter how I played the hand, no matter what I might have tried to do otherwise, I was always going to lose. It was ordained, predestined, fated if you will. I don’t know what lesson you’d glean from such a defeat, but I can tell you what I’ve learned; ODDS ARE DUMB! From now on when I play poker (did I say I was never playing again?) I’m going to appeal to a force more powerful than simple odds, an authority more consistent than statistics. So, if anyone knows a good shaman or witch doctor, send them my way, I have a game Saturday night.
#4 – The Media – In case you hadn’t heard twenty story crane collapsed over the weekend, destroying a townhouse and sending rubble and debris out across Second Avenue in New York. Understandably streets were closed, cars were rerouted and traffic has built. Now all of this is newsworthy information, all of this is information a reporter should convey to the public. What pisses me off is when that reporter then takes a camera man into the street to interview the people in said cars, stuck in said traffic. I sat there watching cars around the man being interviewed drive by, slowly, but still, moving. Meanwhile this yutz sat in his car, immobile, answering questions as insightful as, ‘how do you feel about the traffic?’ how does he feel about the traffic!? Are you freaking serious!? Forget the fact that between the yutz the cameraman and the reporter they’re actually making traffic worse, this reporter wants to know if sitting in traffic on your way to work at 8:00 in the morning is pleasant!
So to recap: The reporter reporting on how bad the traffic is is actually making more traffic, while he asks someone stuck in said traffic, if traffic is bad. My head hurts.
#3 – Power Hungry Secretaries - Now don’t get me wrong, generally speaking, I love secretaries. Well, I love the idea of secretaries. Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. Don’t look at me like that, you know you’d do it too if you could. Anyway, before I get too far afield, what I’m talking about are not the secretaries of Congressional fantasies, but the battle axes generally found in doctors offices, standing between you and your physician like that big fiery red demon thing with the whip in the first Lord of the Rings movie. You know the type, they’re arrogant, mad with power and use expressions like, “I’m sorry, but that’s office policy.” I don’t know what it is about having the power to make appointments that makes these bottom rung wretches think they deserve to control their little universe, but someone needs to clarify the chain of command. An appointment book isn’t a weapon, but my fist is, and the next time one of them pulls this crap again, I’ll demonstrate the difference.
#2 – Non-Legal holidays – How is today a holiday? I’m at work, I’m not leaving early, and a fat woman wearing about a gallon of $4 perfume sat on my left thigh on the bus this morning. So while I’m sure St. Patrick did something to someone that makes people wistful, I’d appreciate it if we didn’t call it a holiday. It’s a tease.
#1 – Morons - I wish I could make this a narrower category, but when I’m assigned extra work because the office manager doesn’t think I’m busy because my desk is so clean. I find myself at a loss for words less broad than moron. I mean I can think of plenty of adjectives to put BEFORE moron, but still, moron is the word that comes to mind. Imagine, someone thinking that I have all this free time. Preposterous!
Mar 13, 2008
...BUT I'M A F%CKING STEAMROLLER
Well, I don’t know what happened between yesterday and today, but I’m no longer at all interested in writing about Elliot Spitzer. I watched some of the monologues and I have to say, I was not impressed. It’s sort of like being Governor, at first it seems like fun, then after a year you realize everyone hates you, you haven’t gotten anything accomplished and you can’t even use your millions to have sex with prostitutes. That’s how I feel, I thought I’d been given this great material, this wonderful story that could carry me for days, and now, barely one news cycle into it, I’m bored beyond words, and slightly disappointed at what gets three diamonds these days (if I were Mitsubishi I’d be insulted). Nevertheless, the story is at the center of the current events universe and there is no escaping it now. So for you’re sick and twisted pleasure, here’s today’s top ten
ELLIOT SPITZER’S EXCUSES:
#10 – I’m sorry, is that frowned upon?
#9 – I have three young daughters, the economy is in the toilet and the job market is drying up, I just wanted to see what hooking, as a ‘hofession’, offered my girls.
#8 – Is it too late to offer her an internship?
#7 – I want my wife to be President.
#6 – I’m rich! Biatch!
#5 – But I paid her in Canadian dollars! It’s not real money, it shouldn’t count!
#4 – Hey, come on, who HASN’T spent $80,000 on hookers? Am I right? Guys? Guys? Really? No one? Have you SEEN your wives?
#3 – The sex was free, the money was just so she’d stop calling herself an aspiring singer. I mean if I have to hear about her American Idol audition one more time...
#2 – Would you believe me if I told you I’m a eunuch?
#1 – Did I mention I’m rich?
ELLIOT SPITZER’S EXCUSES:
#10 – I’m sorry, is that frowned upon?
#9 – I have three young daughters, the economy is in the toilet and the job market is drying up, I just wanted to see what hooking, as a ‘hofession’, offered my girls.
#8 – Is it too late to offer her an internship?
#7 – I want my wife to be President.
#6 – I’m rich! Biatch!
#5 – But I paid her in Canadian dollars! It’s not real money, it shouldn’t count!
#4 – Hey, come on, who HASN’T spent $80,000 on hookers? Am I right? Guys? Guys? Really? No one? Have you SEEN your wives?
#3 – The sex was free, the money was just so she’d stop calling herself an aspiring singer. I mean if I have to hear about her American Idol audition one more time...
#2 – Would you believe me if I told you I’m a eunuch?
#1 – Did I mention I’m rich?
Mar 12, 2008
BUT MY DAD SAID I WAS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT!
I'm torn. On the one hand, I find myself rather pleased with the changes I've made to the blog. I feel refreshed, invigorated. I feel like that guy in the Irish Spring commercial. On the other, Eliott Spitzer, Governor of NY, just resigned because he got caught paying protitutes for sex. So, here I am, with a great column and another twenty-four hours till Current Events Day, and, as anyone who's ever watched 24 can tell you, a day can last an eternity. SO you know what? Screw it! Today and tomorrow will be devoted to what I'm sure will soon be known as (due to rampant unoriginality) HOOKERGATE.
So I know you've all read about this by now so let me just highlight my favorite aspects of the scandal:
- He didnt use an alias to reserve a room for his hooker, he used the name of one of his closest friends and biggest campaign contributer. Now THAT'S gratitude.
- He scheduled for the night before Valentine's Day. Apparently he feels men should get more than a 'thank you, hun' and a hug for four grand.
- He got caught because of suspicious banking activity. If you have a family fortune closing in on a billion dollars - that's one thousand million for those of you who have trouble comprehending just how much money that is - how do you not have a safe somewhere in your house with a million dollars in what I like to call, 'discretionary funds'? It's not using a credit card to pay for a protitute, though according to the NY Post they do accept Visa and Mastercard (Note to advertising agencies, I have a GREAT idea for a 'priceless' commercial, call me.), but I expected more from an ivy leaguer.
Anyway all of this is prelude to my forthcoming unauthorized biography of Mr. Spitzer. The current title in contention are:
#3 - Ho Money, Ho Problems
#2 - He Ain't Nothin But A Horndog
#1 - Elliot 'I'll Pay Extra If You Don't' Spitzer
More titles to come as I think them up.
So I know you've all read about this by now so let me just highlight my favorite aspects of the scandal:
- He didnt use an alias to reserve a room for his hooker, he used the name of one of his closest friends and biggest campaign contributer. Now THAT'S gratitude.
- He scheduled for the night before Valentine's Day. Apparently he feels men should get more than a 'thank you, hun' and a hug for four grand.
- He got caught because of suspicious banking activity. If you have a family fortune closing in on a billion dollars - that's one thousand million for those of you who have trouble comprehending just how much money that is - how do you not have a safe somewhere in your house with a million dollars in what I like to call, 'discretionary funds'? It's not using a credit card to pay for a protitute, though according to the NY Post they do accept Visa and Mastercard (Note to advertising agencies, I have a GREAT idea for a 'priceless' commercial, call me.), but I expected more from an ivy leaguer.
Anyway all of this is prelude to my forthcoming unauthorized biography of Mr. Spitzer. The current title in contention are:
#3 - Ho Money, Ho Problems
#2 - He Ain't Nothin But A Horndog
#1 - Elliot 'I'll Pay Extra If You Don't' Spitzer
More titles to come as I think them up.
Mar 11, 2008
EXCHANGE RATES
Sorry about skipping Monday's 'Top Five Things That Bother Me' but, given recent events, I couldn’t quite work up the necessary agitation to whine about minor inconveniences peeves. I know, I’m as surprised by this as you are, but I can’t control the muse, only direct it. That being said let me share with you a story that defines America like no other.
So I went to Starbucks yesterday. No, that isn’t the end of the story, though I suppose that would do a pretty good job of defining America all on its own. There’s more, however. So I’m in Starbucks, and while I’m waiting for them to make me my Grande caramel apple spice (that’s a medium cup of warm apple juice, in English) I picked up a CD they had on sale, let me rephrase, a CD they had, FOR sale, nothing in Starbucks is ever actually, ON sale. Anyway, it was a Buddy Holly collection (because Starbucks is oh, so cool and retro), a rather good one at that, even if it was lacking Brown-Eyed Girl. The thing was, when I flipped the CD over to look at the price (because when you’re in Starbucks spending $3.50 for cup of apple juice, buying CD’s doesn’t seem all that dumb anymore), it still listed the price in Canada and the U.S. Now, I don’t know how familiar all of you are with international currency, but I think it’s safe to assume you’re all aware of the fact that earlier this year the Canadian dollar actually edged ahead of the greenback in terms of buying power. It’s a day that will live in infamy for me, a day when I could no longer make jokes about Canadian quarters (they should be called eighths), a day on which I could no longer point to the loon and the toon as having more comedic value (looney toons) that monetary. In short, it was sort of like finding out that a 1984 Luis Sojo error card is worth more than a 1923 Babe Ruth rookie card. It just doesn’t make sense, no matter how true it may be.
Anyway, the point of the story is, when I looked at the price on the back and saw the Canadian price, it was a full TWO DOLLARS MORE. That’s right people. Here in the United Sates of Hell Yeah America, we don’t care about exchange rates. We don’t give a damn about relative value or, you know, accuracy. In my United States, Canada’s money is worth less and regardless of the economic climate, the apparent recession, rising inflation and whatever other so called ‘negative economic indicators’ may point to the dollar’s weakness, it always will be.
So come on down Canadian tourists. Bring your loons and toons, your French accents and your God save the Queens you European wannabes. Just remember, here, in the United States of Hell Yeah America, we’ll always be better than you.
Just for fun I’ve decided to append a hypothetical conversation between a Canadian Tourist and an American store owner.
Canadian Tourist: Hi I’d like to buy this.
American Store Owner: That will be five dollars
CT: Here you go sir
ASO: What the f#ck is this piece of sh$t crap?
CT: Pardon me?
ASO: You heard me motherf#cker what kinda crap are you trying to pull?
CT: What? But it’s Canadian money, it’s a $10 bill!
ASO: Candian huh?
CT: Yes, that’s right
ASO: OK, well that’ll be ten dollars then.
CT: What? You said it was five?
ASO: It’s five dollars for REAL money, for this Canadian sh&t it’s ten
CT: But... our dollars worth more?
ASO: What the f@ck did you just say?
CT: ...Our... our dollar’s worth more?
ASO: Say that again! Go ahead, say it! I’m beggin’ ya, PLEASE, say it, just say it once more so I can beat the snot outta your pansy @ss. You hockey loving, anti-American, commie bastard. SAY IT!
CT: So... ten dollars?
ASO: F@ckin’ right!
America... Hell Yeah!
So I went to Starbucks yesterday. No, that isn’t the end of the story, though I suppose that would do a pretty good job of defining America all on its own. There’s more, however. So I’m in Starbucks, and while I’m waiting for them to make me my Grande caramel apple spice (that’s a medium cup of warm apple juice, in English) I picked up a CD they had on sale, let me rephrase, a CD they had, FOR sale, nothing in Starbucks is ever actually, ON sale. Anyway, it was a Buddy Holly collection (because Starbucks is oh, so cool and retro), a rather good one at that, even if it was lacking Brown-Eyed Girl. The thing was, when I flipped the CD over to look at the price (because when you’re in Starbucks spending $3.50 for cup of apple juice, buying CD’s doesn’t seem all that dumb anymore), it still listed the price in Canada and the U.S. Now, I don’t know how familiar all of you are with international currency, but I think it’s safe to assume you’re all aware of the fact that earlier this year the Canadian dollar actually edged ahead of the greenback in terms of buying power. It’s a day that will live in infamy for me, a day when I could no longer make jokes about Canadian quarters (they should be called eighths), a day on which I could no longer point to the loon and the toon as having more comedic value (looney toons) that monetary. In short, it was sort of like finding out that a 1984 Luis Sojo error card is worth more than a 1923 Babe Ruth rookie card. It just doesn’t make sense, no matter how true it may be.
Anyway, the point of the story is, when I looked at the price on the back and saw the Canadian price, it was a full TWO DOLLARS MORE. That’s right people. Here in the United Sates of Hell Yeah America, we don’t care about exchange rates. We don’t give a damn about relative value or, you know, accuracy. In my United States, Canada’s money is worth less and regardless of the economic climate, the apparent recession, rising inflation and whatever other so called ‘negative economic indicators’ may point to the dollar’s weakness, it always will be.
So come on down Canadian tourists. Bring your loons and toons, your French accents and your God save the Queens you European wannabes. Just remember, here, in the United States of Hell Yeah America, we’ll always be better than you.
Just for fun I’ve decided to append a hypothetical conversation between a Canadian Tourist and an American store owner.
Canadian Tourist: Hi I’d like to buy this.
American Store Owner: That will be five dollars
CT: Here you go sir
ASO: What the f#ck is this piece of sh$t crap?
CT: Pardon me?
ASO: You heard me motherf#cker what kinda crap are you trying to pull?
CT: What? But it’s Canadian money, it’s a $10 bill!
ASO: Candian huh?
CT: Yes, that’s right
ASO: OK, well that’ll be ten dollars then.
CT: What? You said it was five?
ASO: It’s five dollars for REAL money, for this Canadian sh&t it’s ten
CT: But... our dollars worth more?
ASO: What the f@ck did you just say?
CT: ...Our... our dollar’s worth more?
ASO: Say that again! Go ahead, say it! I’m beggin’ ya, PLEASE, say it, just say it once more so I can beat the snot outta your pansy @ss. You hockey loving, anti-American, commie bastard. SAY IT!
CT: So... ten dollars?
ASO: F@ckin’ right!
America... Hell Yeah!
Mar 6, 2008
ROLE PLAYING
CURRENT EVENTS DAY:
An unknown subject bombs an army recruiting center in Times Square. As the bomb went off at 3 a.m., no one was injured and only windows were broken. Seeing how we don’t know who perpetrated this act I will write a commentary for each possible group responsible.
Muslim Terrorists:
Look, I’m not a racist (well...). I’m sure there are smart people in the Middle East (aside from the Jews). I’m just saying, those training camps have a lot more work to do. I mean I’ve seen them on the monkey bars, they’re quite good on the monkey bars; though to be honest, I saw this six year old in the park over the weekend and he was totally dominating the monkey bars and I don’t think he had any terrorist training at all, so you know, I don’t know how much of the credit for monkey bar excellence I can attribute to terrorist training camps. In my opinion if they want to retain any credibility at all they’re going to have to start teaching their charges (ha, charges, that’s funny, you know, cuz they explode) about time zones. You can’t send Abu to the U.S. and not tell him he needs to change the time on his watch, that’s a rookie mistake. Still I suppose you can’t blame it all on the instructors. If Abu shows up at 3am and sees the streets empty and deserted he should probably put it together himself, right? Although I like to imagine that the conversation in his head went something like this:
Where is everybody? American’s are so lazy, how did they become so rich? This is creepy; it’s like I Am Legend, or that scene in Vanilla Sky where Tom Cruise walks though an empty Times Square. Allah! That Tom Cruise is crazy, I mean really, I understand being devoted to your beliefs but there has to be a limit where your reason steps in and says; “Why am I laughing uncontrollably at my own jokes? This is not smart, you’re making a fool of yourself, stop acting crazy!” Anyway, where did I put that explosive belt?
American Militants:
Jim-Bob, are you listening? Turn down the radio, oh, wait, is that Billy Ray Cyrus? I love that song, yeah we can wait till the songs over. My achy breaky heart, hmm hmmm hmmm. You know, I don’t know why he didn’t have more hits. What? Oh yeah, right so here, take this bomb and go blow up that gyro stand in Times Square. Gyro, it’s like shwarma, I dunno they put turkey on a spit put some lamb fat on top and just slice the meat off when it gets good and brown. Yeah, it is delicious. I know, I told you we’ll go for breakfast right after. Sure, sure we can get shwarma too. No we can’t get it before you blow it up! That towel head told me I had to wait in line behind some brownie. He has to pay. Cuz the turban looks like a towel, that’s why. Ok we’re almost there you ready to rock? No! Don’t light it yet! Crap! Get rid of it! Get rid of it! I don’t care where, throw it somewhere! Oops. Well, I guess we can get that gyro now.
Anti-War Protesters:
People from the army are evil. I love soy products.
An unknown subject bombs an army recruiting center in Times Square. As the bomb went off at 3 a.m., no one was injured and only windows were broken. Seeing how we don’t know who perpetrated this act I will write a commentary for each possible group responsible.
Muslim Terrorists:
Look, I’m not a racist (well...). I’m sure there are smart people in the Middle East (aside from the Jews). I’m just saying, those training camps have a lot more work to do. I mean I’ve seen them on the monkey bars, they’re quite good on the monkey bars; though to be honest, I saw this six year old in the park over the weekend and he was totally dominating the monkey bars and I don’t think he had any terrorist training at all, so you know, I don’t know how much of the credit for monkey bar excellence I can attribute to terrorist training camps. In my opinion if they want to retain any credibility at all they’re going to have to start teaching their charges (ha, charges, that’s funny, you know, cuz they explode) about time zones. You can’t send Abu to the U.S. and not tell him he needs to change the time on his watch, that’s a rookie mistake. Still I suppose you can’t blame it all on the instructors. If Abu shows up at 3am and sees the streets empty and deserted he should probably put it together himself, right? Although I like to imagine that the conversation in his head went something like this:
Where is everybody? American’s are so lazy, how did they become so rich? This is creepy; it’s like I Am Legend, or that scene in Vanilla Sky where Tom Cruise walks though an empty Times Square. Allah! That Tom Cruise is crazy, I mean really, I understand being devoted to your beliefs but there has to be a limit where your reason steps in and says; “Why am I laughing uncontrollably at my own jokes? This is not smart, you’re making a fool of yourself, stop acting crazy!” Anyway, where did I put that explosive belt?
American Militants:
Jim-Bob, are you listening? Turn down the radio, oh, wait, is that Billy Ray Cyrus? I love that song, yeah we can wait till the songs over. My achy breaky heart, hmm hmmm hmmm. You know, I don’t know why he didn’t have more hits. What? Oh yeah, right so here, take this bomb and go blow up that gyro stand in Times Square. Gyro, it’s like shwarma, I dunno they put turkey on a spit put some lamb fat on top and just slice the meat off when it gets good and brown. Yeah, it is delicious. I know, I told you we’ll go for breakfast right after. Sure, sure we can get shwarma too. No we can’t get it before you blow it up! That towel head told me I had to wait in line behind some brownie. He has to pay. Cuz the turban looks like a towel, that’s why. Ok we’re almost there you ready to rock? No! Don’t light it yet! Crap! Get rid of it! Get rid of it! I don’t care where, throw it somewhere! Oops. Well, I guess we can get that gyro now.
Anti-War Protesters:
People from the army are evil. I love soy products.
Mar 4, 2008
ESQUIRE MAN OF THE YEAR
Morning all, yesterday was rather hectic and to be honest, I'm not sure I had many thoughts other than, well, F$ck! And, yesterday being a free form, channeling my thoughts day, it didn't quite seem post worthy. Today, however, well, as I start writing this it's still yesterday, but I'm home and wearing sheepskin slippers so all my troubles have melted away in shearling. Speaking of which, it would Mr. Obama could use some sheepskin himself.
Today:
I had some more rambling above, but I had my first real court hearing today and figured that was more important than telling you about my theories on why someone might be inclined to put their foot up a sheep's butt (It's cuz they make good slippers). Anyway, more about me. It was my first actual hearing, the odds were long and stacked against us, but as I say after every time I foolishly call an all-in with nothing but an open-ended straight draw, "I liked my chances."
The judge wore black and expression to match. Opposing counsel was well prepared and sitting (this played to his advantage because I'm reasonably certain when he puts on a floppy ski hat he is frequently confused with gnomes, elves and other stumpy people of dwarf stock). The case wasweak and failure was a foregone conclusion. Yet, there I was, undaunted, a lone (except for co-counsel) buttress for my clients hopes, a rock of consistancy and higher reasoning upon which her future stood. Questions were asked and answered, testimony was given and taken, yawns were stifled and hidden (it got boring at times, also I missed my midafternoon nap). And in the end, victory was ours!
Sure some might point to the fact that my co-counsel asked all but 3 of the questions, sure some might point to the fact that she did the opening and closing statement, some might even point to my - not quite to scale - doodle of a battleship as a sign that I played a less than central role in the outcome. Well, that'd be very mean of you. I mean really it'd just be rude!
Today:
I had some more rambling above, but I had my first real court hearing today and figured that was more important than telling you about my theories on why someone might be inclined to put their foot up a sheep's butt (It's cuz they make good slippers). Anyway, more about me. It was my first actual hearing, the odds were long and stacked against us, but as I say after every time I foolishly call an all-in with nothing but an open-ended straight draw, "I liked my chances."
The judge wore black and expression to match. Opposing counsel was well prepared and sitting (this played to his advantage because I'm reasonably certain when he puts on a floppy ski hat he is frequently confused with gnomes, elves and other stumpy people of dwarf stock). The case wasweak and failure was a foregone conclusion. Yet, there I was, undaunted, a lone (except for co-counsel) buttress for my clients hopes, a rock of consistancy and higher reasoning upon which her future stood. Questions were asked and answered, testimony was given and taken, yawns were stifled and hidden (it got boring at times, also I missed my midafternoon nap). And in the end, victory was ours!
Sure some might point to the fact that my co-counsel asked all but 3 of the questions, sure some might point to the fact that she did the opening and closing statement, some might even point to my - not quite to scale - doodle of a battleship as a sign that I played a less than central role in the outcome. Well, that'd be very mean of you. I mean really it'd just be rude!
Mar 3, 2008
I'D LIKE THE PIE, PLEASE
It's Monday and that means I'm grumpy, so here, for your displeasure:
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today:
#5 - Inaccurate menus - I consider a menu to be a form of contract. A guaranteed offer to me, the consumer, that anything on this list that I may want, will be provided to me forthwith. Accordingly, when I hear, "I'm sorry, we're out of that." I find myself hungry for resititution (and apple mango pie). Imagine what would happen if we let other businesses get away with this kind of false advertising. Men walking into brothels would find the healthy, voluptuous blonde they ordered was, in point of fact, a well-fed, STD ridden, black woman. After visiting said brothel you'd go to your doctor for a shot of broad spectrum anti-biotics and he'd offer you a flu shot instead. You'd go to the drug store to buy gauze for the oozing postule that has formed in your groinal region and be offered new underwear instead. I don't mean to judge, but I don't think fresh undies solves the problem.
#4 - People who keep saying, "Can you hear me?" - No! No, they can't hear you, you know why? Because your phone has no service! You know what the sign of them being able to hear you would be? If they answered you! They remind me of those people who used to use string and 2 cups to converse, only in this case their string isn't attached to anything else. You're dumb! Can you hear that?
#3 - Air Fresheners - Ever been in a taxi? Yea, nuff said.
#2 - Gn vs. Kn - OK, I get the whole silent letter thing but can we please just pick a silent consonant to put in front of the letter 'N' and stick with it? Just for a little while? On the one hand; Gnome, Gnat, Gnarled. On the other Knee, Knife, Knock. Is 'N' like a letter placement organization? Feeling underutilized? Feeling like you're too low in the QWERTY universe? Well then, come on down to words that begin with the letter 'N' we'll make room for you. If I see 'Zneel' any time soon I'm launcing an investigation.
#1 - Being put on hold - Ooooh! I really don't like it. What I like even less is that fake voice telling me my call is important. Thank you, I feel so reassured knowing that you're as confident as I am that my beef's legitimate. But the truth is, they don't think that, in fact, if it was honest, that voice would say, "Customer service costs alot so instead of connecting you to an actual person immediately, we're going to keep you on hold for 5 minutes and hope that you just get fed up, hang up and ultimately, give up on coplaining entirely." I am sad to say, I can't seem to find a strategy better than theirs, maybe I should send them an advertisement for that brothel.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today:
#5 - Inaccurate menus - I consider a menu to be a form of contract. A guaranteed offer to me, the consumer, that anything on this list that I may want, will be provided to me forthwith. Accordingly, when I hear, "I'm sorry, we're out of that." I find myself hungry for resititution (and apple mango pie). Imagine what would happen if we let other businesses get away with this kind of false advertising. Men walking into brothels would find the healthy, voluptuous blonde they ordered was, in point of fact, a well-fed, STD ridden, black woman. After visiting said brothel you'd go to your doctor for a shot of broad spectrum anti-biotics and he'd offer you a flu shot instead. You'd go to the drug store to buy gauze for the oozing postule that has formed in your groinal region and be offered new underwear instead. I don't mean to judge, but I don't think fresh undies solves the problem.
#4 - People who keep saying, "Can you hear me?" - No! No, they can't hear you, you know why? Because your phone has no service! You know what the sign of them being able to hear you would be? If they answered you! They remind me of those people who used to use string and 2 cups to converse, only in this case their string isn't attached to anything else. You're dumb! Can you hear that?
#3 - Air Fresheners - Ever been in a taxi? Yea, nuff said.
#2 - Gn vs. Kn - OK, I get the whole silent letter thing but can we please just pick a silent consonant to put in front of the letter 'N' and stick with it? Just for a little while? On the one hand; Gnome, Gnat, Gnarled. On the other Knee, Knife, Knock. Is 'N' like a letter placement organization? Feeling underutilized? Feeling like you're too low in the QWERTY universe? Well then, come on down to words that begin with the letter 'N' we'll make room for you. If I see 'Zneel' any time soon I'm launcing an investigation.
#1 - Being put on hold - Ooooh! I really don't like it. What I like even less is that fake voice telling me my call is important. Thank you, I feel so reassured knowing that you're as confident as I am that my beef's legitimate. But the truth is, they don't think that, in fact, if it was honest, that voice would say, "Customer service costs alot so instead of connecting you to an actual person immediately, we're going to keep you on hold for 5 minutes and hope that you just get fed up, hang up and ultimately, give up on coplaining entirely." I am sad to say, I can't seem to find a strategy better than theirs, maybe I should send them an advertisement for that brothel.
Feb 27, 2008
THE BALM IN GILEAD
It is a sad day friends, a sad day for us all. What was once a pleasant, mutually beneficial arrangement has become a yolk around my neck. It has come to my attention that certain people who, for some reason or another, feel entitled to my time, may have begun to suspect that I how can I put this diplomatically, don't do very much all day. We shall, for the sake of brevity, refer to these people as 'my bosses'. Accordingly, today's post is actually being written in what has, heretofore, been a part of my day unsullied by something as menial as blogging, my free time.
As many of you know yesterday, two days ago if we use your point of view, Starbucks, home of the $3.25 cup of warm apple juice with a squirt of caramel, closed its doors for three hours to retrain its Baristas (a.k.a. people who smile way more than anyone wearing a baseball cap to work ever should). This was apparently problematic to some for, as Alba Morales, a community college student remark "A lot of of people come here to make out, read sleep. I can't imagine how lost people will be." So you can imagine my surprise when I went to work today (yesterday) and didn't find horny, book carrying, narcoleptic college students walking around with those big tourists map Japanese people use to stop sidewalk traffic. They weren't roaming from coffee shop to cafe hoping to find an African blend with just the right amount of mumbo jumbo about hints, notes and aromas (try our mid-African blend with a hint of tobacco, as well as notes of cinnamon and chicory. The aroma alone will leave you craving a second cup.). NO, they just hung around not reading, sleeping, or making out, and waited for Starbucks to reopen.
All of this is a long way of saying are we dumb? We're willing to pay 3 bucks for coffee and glorified hot cocoa because there are couches on which we can read make out and sleep, simultaneously even, if you drop a mickey into someone's machiatto. Are we really convinced that no one else in all of NY city knows how to make an espresso? And if not, why the hell do we wait? I guess the answer is (I'm guessing cuz I've only given this about 4 minutes of thought), we are creatures of comfort. We are willing to pay more for leisure than we are value.
Look at the evidence. We pick out coffins with cushioned interiors lined in velvet and satin because the thought of being trapped in the same uncomfortable bed forever is so incredibly contrary to our nature that it even blinds us to the fact that when the time to use it rolls around we're, you know, dead. We have dress pants that stretch as you stuff your face (the comfort fit waist band adjusts with your body). We pay hundreds of dollars more for a flight so that we can recline our seat and put our arms on both arm rests simultaneously (By the way don't you hate it when your at the movies and the people on each side of you each steal on of your arm rests? Then you have to spend the whole movie with your shoulders all hunched forward, hoping and waiting for the moment when they move their arm and you can strike, cobra-like, with a forearm to the cushion and claim that 3 inches of upholstered foam your own. There should be some sort of binding arbitration you can enter into to avoid the problems caused by the one guy hogging two arm rests. Also, this is why you should never got to the movies alone, at least if you have a friend you know that if all else fails, you can always steal their arm rest.) We even have comfort food. Though now that I think about Ms. Morales' comment I'm forced to wonder if the draw of comfort food is the promise that somewhere out there someone else is craving chili, and, if the seats are comfortable enough, she will make out with you.
As many of you know yesterday, two days ago if we use your point of view, Starbucks, home of the $3.25 cup of warm apple juice with a squirt of caramel, closed its doors for three hours to retrain its Baristas (a.k.a. people who smile way more than anyone wearing a baseball cap to work ever should). This was apparently problematic to some for, as Alba Morales, a community college student remark "A lot of of people come here to make out, read sleep. I can't imagine how lost people will be." So you can imagine my surprise when I went to work today (yesterday) and didn't find horny, book carrying, narcoleptic college students walking around with those big tourists map Japanese people use to stop sidewalk traffic. They weren't roaming from coffee shop to cafe hoping to find an African blend with just the right amount of mumbo jumbo about hints, notes and aromas (try our mid-African blend with a hint of tobacco, as well as notes of cinnamon and chicory. The aroma alone will leave you craving a second cup.). NO, they just hung around not reading, sleeping, or making out, and waited for Starbucks to reopen.
All of this is a long way of saying are we dumb? We're willing to pay 3 bucks for coffee and glorified hot cocoa because there are couches on which we can read make out and sleep, simultaneously even, if you drop a mickey into someone's machiatto. Are we really convinced that no one else in all of NY city knows how to make an espresso? And if not, why the hell do we wait? I guess the answer is (I'm guessing cuz I've only given this about 4 minutes of thought), we are creatures of comfort. We are willing to pay more for leisure than we are value.
Look at the evidence. We pick out coffins with cushioned interiors lined in velvet and satin because the thought of being trapped in the same uncomfortable bed forever is so incredibly contrary to our nature that it even blinds us to the fact that when the time to use it rolls around we're, you know, dead. We have dress pants that stretch as you stuff your face (the comfort fit waist band adjusts with your body). We pay hundreds of dollars more for a flight so that we can recline our seat and put our arms on both arm rests simultaneously (By the way don't you hate it when your at the movies and the people on each side of you each steal on of your arm rests? Then you have to spend the whole movie with your shoulders all hunched forward, hoping and waiting for the moment when they move their arm and you can strike, cobra-like, with a forearm to the cushion and claim that 3 inches of upholstered foam your own. There should be some sort of binding arbitration you can enter into to avoid the problems caused by the one guy hogging two arm rests. Also, this is why you should never got to the movies alone, at least if you have a friend you know that if all else fails, you can always steal their arm rest.) We even have comfort food. Though now that I think about Ms. Morales' comment I'm forced to wonder if the draw of comfort food is the promise that somewhere out there someone else is craving chili, and, if the seats are comfortable enough, she will make out with you.
Feb 24, 2008
...THE GROUCH
I like starting my week off by defying expectations. I find it adds a certain measure of uncertainty to what is otherwise a tedious and repetitive slog. Granted, in this case, your expectations were the result of my telling you today's column would be a 'Top Five Things That Bother Me', so in actuality it's more like starting the week out with a lie, but that's close, and as they say at Congressional hearings; if you can call it something other than a lie there's a chance you won't go to jail for perjury.
That being said, today's column will be a bit of a catch-all, a rambling rant on the Oscar's. Yes, I'm counting the Oscar's as current events, I, and every other person between the ages of 30 and 15 count anything with John Stewart as current events.
So let me tell you what bothers me about awards shows. No, I don't care, I'm gonna tell you anyway. What bothers me about award shows is the underlying lie. What lie you ask? Good question, see I told you you'd get into it. Normally, an award is the result of some demonstrable achievement, you ran the fastest race, you scored the highest mark, you slept with the most men, whatever. And so, the anticipation, the tension that precedes the distribution of said award, is present not during the handing out of a medal, scholarship or big honkin bag of condoms, but in the revelation of the achievement itself. At the Oscar's there's no achievement, you don't get bonus points for knowing how to pronounce names of the directors of the foreign language animated short from Myanmar (Burma to those of you from the State Law and Order Restoration Council), you don't get a Best Supporting Actor for putting a misplaced boob back in a dress, you can't win anything at the Oscar's, you've already won or lost, you're just there to find out. And that's what pisses me off.
You know how long it would take to tell me who won in all the categories I care about? 13 seconds, no really, I timed it, 16 if your awards had 'No Country for Old Men' in the title. Yet for some reason they have a three and a half hour show. I know, I know, I can not watch, I can just read the award winners in the news the next day or online the day before. The thing is though, I can't, what they've done is turn this moronic 15 seconds of interest show into a cultural touchstone, a water cooler event that leaves the non-watcher nodding his head and laughing as someone repeats jokes he pretends to get. There's nothing in this country worse than being left out of the Monday morning coffee talk, it's what separates us from the machines and productive people. Sadly, I don't see a natural resolution to this dilemma, at least not until they start handing out big honkin bags of condoms at the Oscar's.
That being said, today's column will be a bit of a catch-all, a rambling rant on the Oscar's. Yes, I'm counting the Oscar's as current events, I, and every other person between the ages of 30 and 15 count anything with John Stewart as current events.
So let me tell you what bothers me about awards shows. No, I don't care, I'm gonna tell you anyway. What bothers me about award shows is the underlying lie. What lie you ask? Good question, see I told you you'd get into it. Normally, an award is the result of some demonstrable achievement, you ran the fastest race, you scored the highest mark, you slept with the most men, whatever. And so, the anticipation, the tension that precedes the distribution of said award, is present not during the handing out of a medal, scholarship or big honkin bag of condoms, but in the revelation of the achievement itself. At the Oscar's there's no achievement, you don't get bonus points for knowing how to pronounce names of the directors of the foreign language animated short from Myanmar (Burma to those of you from the State Law and Order Restoration Council), you don't get a Best Supporting Actor for putting a misplaced boob back in a dress, you can't win anything at the Oscar's, you've already won or lost, you're just there to find out. And that's what pisses me off.
You know how long it would take to tell me who won in all the categories I care about? 13 seconds, no really, I timed it, 16 if your awards had 'No Country for Old Men' in the title. Yet for some reason they have a three and a half hour show. I know, I know, I can not watch, I can just read the award winners in the news the next day or online the day before. The thing is though, I can't, what they've done is turn this moronic 15 seconds of interest show into a cultural touchstone, a water cooler event that leaves the non-watcher nodding his head and laughing as someone repeats jokes he pretends to get. There's nothing in this country worse than being left out of the Monday morning coffee talk, it's what separates us from the machines and productive people. Sadly, I don't see a natural resolution to this dilemma, at least not until they start handing out big honkin bags of condoms at the Oscar's.
Feb 21, 2008
CHANGES... EVERYTHING CHAAAAAANGES
Bienvenido (that's maid for welcome),
So I’ve been back at this blogging game for about 3 months now and I think its time I start making some changes. Now, like most of you, I am of the opinion that I am doing a wonderful job with this blog, even in its current format. That being said, as any good I-banker would tell you (unless he’s getting sued by someone) the key to long-term viability is diversification. So, painful as it might be for you to hear these words, I’m doing it for your own good.
From now on, blog favorite: ‘Top Five Things That Bother Me Today’ will be a once a week (Monday’s) column. Tuesday and Wednesday (Wed-nes-day, God that’s a dumb way to spell that), will be free form days, generally subject to whatever issues, events or customer service agents are dumb enough to make themselves part of my life. Thursday’s column will be devoted to current events. As reading the newspaper seems like a fading habit I can only hope that Thursday’s column will replace whatever reputable news organization you have relied upon heretofore.
The way I see it such a change will be beneficial for all parties involved as a)it will require you to do less reading and will b) allow me to spread my propaganda more easily.
Down with Pandas!
You can feel free to think of Thursday as the day on which we discuss why the addition of Pandas and Zebras to the endangered species list (Are zebras endangered? I considered doing some research before writing this, but then I realized you don't know either, and who wouldn't trust me? I'm the guy breaking news about 37% of public restroom users not washing their hands, I'm the CNN of the blog world!)is, in fact, a secret government conspiracy to promote racial harmony, and bamboo as a snack food.
If you don’t like the new format, or you want to compliment me on well, anything, feel free to post your opinions in the comments section, though I think we’ve established that commenting is, for the most part, well beyond your abilities. That's all for now.
So I’ve been back at this blogging game for about 3 months now and I think its time I start making some changes. Now, like most of you, I am of the opinion that I am doing a wonderful job with this blog, even in its current format. That being said, as any good I-banker would tell you (unless he’s getting sued by someone) the key to long-term viability is diversification. So, painful as it might be for you to hear these words, I’m doing it for your own good.
From now on, blog favorite: ‘Top Five Things That Bother Me Today’ will be a once a week (Monday’s) column. Tuesday and Wednesday (Wed-nes-day, God that’s a dumb way to spell that), will be free form days, generally subject to whatever issues, events or customer service agents are dumb enough to make themselves part of my life. Thursday’s column will be devoted to current events. As reading the newspaper seems like a fading habit I can only hope that Thursday’s column will replace whatever reputable news organization you have relied upon heretofore.
The way I see it such a change will be beneficial for all parties involved as a)it will require you to do less reading and will b) allow me to spread my propaganda more easily.
Down with Pandas!
You can feel free to think of Thursday as the day on which we discuss why the addition of Pandas and Zebras to the endangered species list (Are zebras endangered? I considered doing some research before writing this, but then I realized you don't know either, and who wouldn't trust me? I'm the guy breaking news about 37% of public restroom users not washing their hands, I'm the CNN of the blog world!)is, in fact, a secret government conspiracy to promote racial harmony, and bamboo as a snack food.
If you don’t like the new format, or you want to compliment me on well, anything, feel free to post your opinions in the comments section, though I think we’ve established that commenting is, for the most part, well beyond your abilities. That's all for now.
Feb 20, 2008
BLOW ME!
It's been a while friends. I'd apologize, but I'm not actually sorry, and I don't want to lie to you (unless it's for personal gain or amusement). Lots has happened though, so I'll try to sum it all up in the next couple of days. Time is short though so let's get down to business.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Feeling Guilty About My Recurrent Lateness - I know what you're thinking (I generally do, you're predictable like that), I should feel guilty about being late all the time; its my fault, I'm wasting other people's valuable time, all that responsibility hokum. Fair point counselor (I know you're not a lawyer, did I mention I am? No? I am.). A lesser man, and by lesser man I mean someone willing to admit the existence of personal faults, might even think them winning arguments. That being said, as has been pointed out by Royalty, heads of state and my mom, I am not a lesser man. You see, the way I think about it, my inability to be on time is a sort of handicap, like a stutter or a limp or relying on puns. And we, and by we I mean people other than me, hold the handicapped to a lower standard; not blaming them for spitting all over you while they attempt to enunciate, or for jabbing your toe with their cane, or for ending every third sentence with "no pun intended." All I'm saying is, try to understand... nothing's my fault. Is that asking so much?
#4 - Hand Blowers in Public Restrooms - A recent survey found that as many as 37% of people don't wash their hands after using a public restroom. 37%!! Now while I just made up that statistic, you have to admit it's disturbing nonetheless. So my question is, why are we punishing the 63% of the population actually concerned with heptitis, by making them stand in a public restroom inhaling that pungent aroma of eau de urine? I get that the environment is important and that paper towels come from trees and there are reindeer in the Arctic, I just don't think I'm willing to inhale urine to protect them. Plus, I think the whole, 'let's use one-ply toilet paper in the stalls' idea, more than makes up for paper towel abuse.
#3 - Dramatizations - Have you ever been watching TV while someone being interview described an event from their life? Yes? Good. Have you ever then seen that incident re-enacted? With the littel words 're-enactment' or 'dramatization' in the bottom corner? Even better. Have you ever then asked yourself this? "How dumb do they think I am?" They really need to show me an actor picking a lock so I can understand what the guy on TV meant when he said, "I picked the lock."? Look I'm more than willing to admit that lots of people who aren't me are dumb, most in fact, but that doesn't mean we need to have illustrated conversations. What's next, caricature artists accompanying you on dates?
#2 - Sell By Date - I get the 'born on' date, I get the 'best if used by date', I do. I do NOT, however, in any shape way or form, comprehend the 'sell-by' date. Why are they even giving me this information? Is it a handy sugesstion for those in the retail milk resale business? Do they think I'm going to stand out on a corner screaming "MILK! Get your milk here."? Is there some secret algorithm that I'm unaware of by which you can derive the expiration date from the 'sell by' date? I feel like I need a dramatization to help me understand this thing.
#1 - Ryan Seacrest - I know I've covered this before but the man is EVERYWHERE! I passed some homeless men singing in the subway station last night and there he was giving me useless information about hobo#1 and his affinity for Colt .45 malt beer. I feel like instead of investigating the scab on Roger Clemen's butt Congress should get to work on legislation that limits the amount of time his lordship, 'Sir I Had Brown Hair in Season One' spends on camera each week.
I'm spent, more tomorrow.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Feeling Guilty About My Recurrent Lateness - I know what you're thinking (I generally do, you're predictable like that), I should feel guilty about being late all the time; its my fault, I'm wasting other people's valuable time, all that responsibility hokum. Fair point counselor (I know you're not a lawyer, did I mention I am? No? I am.). A lesser man, and by lesser man I mean someone willing to admit the existence of personal faults, might even think them winning arguments. That being said, as has been pointed out by Royalty, heads of state and my mom, I am not a lesser man. You see, the way I think about it, my inability to be on time is a sort of handicap, like a stutter or a limp or relying on puns. And we, and by we I mean people other than me, hold the handicapped to a lower standard; not blaming them for spitting all over you while they attempt to enunciate, or for jabbing your toe with their cane, or for ending every third sentence with "no pun intended." All I'm saying is, try to understand... nothing's my fault. Is that asking so much?
#4 - Hand Blowers in Public Restrooms - A recent survey found that as many as 37% of people don't wash their hands after using a public restroom. 37%!! Now while I just made up that statistic, you have to admit it's disturbing nonetheless. So my question is, why are we punishing the 63% of the population actually concerned with heptitis, by making them stand in a public restroom inhaling that pungent aroma of eau de urine? I get that the environment is important and that paper towels come from trees and there are reindeer in the Arctic, I just don't think I'm willing to inhale urine to protect them. Plus, I think the whole, 'let's use one-ply toilet paper in the stalls' idea, more than makes up for paper towel abuse.
#3 - Dramatizations - Have you ever been watching TV while someone being interview described an event from their life? Yes? Good. Have you ever then seen that incident re-enacted? With the littel words 're-enactment' or 'dramatization' in the bottom corner? Even better. Have you ever then asked yourself this? "How dumb do they think I am?" They really need to show me an actor picking a lock so I can understand what the guy on TV meant when he said, "I picked the lock."? Look I'm more than willing to admit that lots of people who aren't me are dumb, most in fact, but that doesn't mean we need to have illustrated conversations. What's next, caricature artists accompanying you on dates?
#2 - Sell By Date - I get the 'born on' date, I get the 'best if used by date', I do. I do NOT, however, in any shape way or form, comprehend the 'sell-by' date. Why are they even giving me this information? Is it a handy sugesstion for those in the retail milk resale business? Do they think I'm going to stand out on a corner screaming "MILK! Get your milk here."? Is there some secret algorithm that I'm unaware of by which you can derive the expiration date from the 'sell by' date? I feel like I need a dramatization to help me understand this thing.
#1 - Ryan Seacrest - I know I've covered this before but the man is EVERYWHERE! I passed some homeless men singing in the subway station last night and there he was giving me useless information about hobo#1 and his affinity for Colt .45 malt beer. I feel like instead of investigating the scab on Roger Clemen's butt Congress should get to work on legislation that limits the amount of time his lordship, 'Sir I Had Brown Hair in Season One' spends on camera each week.
I'm spent, more tomorrow.
Feb 14, 2008
HAPPY VAL--- OW!
Really kinda sleepy today children. Fortunately, I get absolutely nothing out of doing this blog so I don't have to apologize for being lazy about it today. Though, if i was going to complain about something today, I'd have to say I'd choose, being conscious. There's just something about being awake right now that I consider an affront to my personal system of values and my views on social hierarchy. Anyway, I'm too tired to be really riled up about anything (yes, I know it's Valentine's Day, the dumbest day of the year, but honestly, is there anything left to say about it?) so here's today's alternate list:
OK you know what? No! I was going to put a list of random crap here, but now I'm starting to get annoyed. In the past five minutes three different paralegals have walked in and out of my office and upon exiting, each uttered the words, "Happy Valentine's Day." I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. I've gotten my head around that whole chocolate and flowers thing and I understand that it's what girls have come to expect and you know what, fine, you can't always be 300 Spartans fighting a million Persians, sometimes you just go with the flow (besides the ancillary benefits are more than worth the buffornary), but I'm drawing the line at making this greeting worthy holiday.
It's just something you say on a holiday, it's no big deal you say? WRONG! You don't see people saying Happy President's day or Happy Columbus day do you? You don't hear people saying take care, Happy Flag day. NO! You only get this on Christmas, New Years and other religious holidays. That, my friends, is where this whole V-Day fiasco went from tolerably silly, to disturbingly insane. But that was just the first step. Much like the Terminator, this evil continues to evolve. To wit, women in my office are buying V-day flowers and gifts for their mothers and sisters and other allegedly close relatives. WTF!? At least back in the day you could always count on an ulterior motive behind any corny V-day gift, now, it's become an all inclusive lovefest of Greek orgy proportions. Ugh! please, just stop it! Yes, I realize I just equated giving unwarranted gifts to one's mom and sister with a Greek orgy, and no, I haven't decided how I feel about that.
That's it and that's all.
OK you know what? No! I was going to put a list of random crap here, but now I'm starting to get annoyed. In the past five minutes three different paralegals have walked in and out of my office and upon exiting, each uttered the words, "Happy Valentine's Day." I'm sorry, but this is unacceptable. I've gotten my head around that whole chocolate and flowers thing and I understand that it's what girls have come to expect and you know what, fine, you can't always be 300 Spartans fighting a million Persians, sometimes you just go with the flow (besides the ancillary benefits are more than worth the buffornary), but I'm drawing the line at making this greeting worthy holiday.
It's just something you say on a holiday, it's no big deal you say? WRONG! You don't see people saying Happy President's day or Happy Columbus day do you? You don't hear people saying take care, Happy Flag day. NO! You only get this on Christmas, New Years and other religious holidays. That, my friends, is where this whole V-Day fiasco went from tolerably silly, to disturbingly insane. But that was just the first step. Much like the Terminator, this evil continues to evolve. To wit, women in my office are buying V-day flowers and gifts for their mothers and sisters and other allegedly close relatives. WTF!? At least back in the day you could always count on an ulterior motive behind any corny V-day gift, now, it's become an all inclusive lovefest of Greek orgy proportions. Ugh! please, just stop it! Yes, I realize I just equated giving unwarranted gifts to one's mom and sister with a Greek orgy, and no, I haven't decided how I feel about that.
That's it and that's all.
Feb 13, 2008
IT'S JUST CRAZY ENOUGH TO WORK
Busy day today friends, busy day. I find myself unable to loaf , relax or otherwise ignore the work sitting on my desk. I must say, I find this disconcerting. So I have come here, my home away from TV, to force myself to be unprodctive, we shall see how it goes.
Yesterday I spoke of the perils of planet sized glutei squishing parts of your thigh whilst one makes use of public transportation. An intelligent reader, recognizing genius when he/she sees it, made use of the comments option to me for advice (Yes, I know I too was shocked to discover it is possible to post comments). He/she wrote that he/she has often been sat on and asked me for a solution. Well folks, after 12-16 seconds of pondering the solution came to me. From now on, when there is an empty seat next to you, if you see a gluteus super maximus lowering itself towards you, simply say, "seat's wet." If this is a cloth seat, as on the bus I ride, or at a movie theater, you're home free, if it is a plastic seat such as a train, one may be forced to spill just a bit of water , but really, is that too high a price to avoiding be maimed by a 200lb butt cheek? Anyway, I think this is the perfect solution, but, if like me, you prefer something a little more covoluted, the following are effective, yet rejected solutions:
Top Ten Ways To Get/Keep The Seat Next To You Empty:
#10 - Hey lady, what do you think you're doing!? You almost sat on my imaginary friend.
#9 - Make the beeep beeeep beeeeep sound trucks make when they shift into reverse as she starts to back her way into the seat.
#8 - Scream "Look! Cookies!"
#7 - Put a model mouse on the seat, you know, cuz elephants are afraid of mice
#6 - This may be a bit excessive and redundant given the prior suggestion of pouring water on the seat, but this is a guaranteed winner. Mark the seat as part of your territory by rubbing up against it, then peeing on it.
Note: seat will smell like pee, that may be a deal breaker for you, I don't know.
#5 - Wait till he's sat down, then ask him if he's been saved by the Lord Jesus Christ
#4 - In a just barely audible but creepy whisper say, "mmm, now that's what I call cushion for the pushin.'"
#3 - Order, and and read on said train, "Cannibal's Monthly"
#2 - Point at the seat then at the tuchus and say "Let me guess, you failed geometry."
#1 - Knock on his belly and say, "John? John! Are you in there?"
Yesterday I spoke of the perils of planet sized glutei squishing parts of your thigh whilst one makes use of public transportation. An intelligent reader, recognizing genius when he/she sees it, made use of the comments option to me for advice (Yes, I know I too was shocked to discover it is possible to post comments). He/she wrote that he/she has often been sat on and asked me for a solution. Well folks, after 12-16 seconds of pondering the solution came to me. From now on, when there is an empty seat next to you, if you see a gluteus super maximus lowering itself towards you, simply say, "seat's wet." If this is a cloth seat, as on the bus I ride, or at a movie theater, you're home free, if it is a plastic seat such as a train, one may be forced to spill just a bit of water , but really, is that too high a price to avoiding be maimed by a 200lb butt cheek? Anyway, I think this is the perfect solution, but, if like me, you prefer something a little more covoluted, the following are effective, yet rejected solutions:
Top Ten Ways To Get/Keep The Seat Next To You Empty:
#10 - Hey lady, what do you think you're doing!? You almost sat on my imaginary friend.
#9 - Make the beeep beeeep beeeeep sound trucks make when they shift into reverse as she starts to back her way into the seat.
#8 - Scream "Look! Cookies!"
#7 - Put a model mouse on the seat, you know, cuz elephants are afraid of mice
#6 - This may be a bit excessive and redundant given the prior suggestion of pouring water on the seat, but this is a guaranteed winner. Mark the seat as part of your territory by rubbing up against it, then peeing on it.
Note: seat will smell like pee, that may be a deal breaker for you, I don't know.
#5 - Wait till he's sat down, then ask him if he's been saved by the Lord Jesus Christ
#4 - In a just barely audible but creepy whisper say, "mmm, now that's what I call cushion for the pushin.'"
#3 - Order, and and read on said train, "Cannibal's Monthly"
#2 - Point at the seat then at the tuchus and say "Let me guess, you failed geometry."
#1 - Knock on his belly and say, "John? John! Are you in there?"
Feb 12, 2008
COME RIDE THE CYCLONE!
What ho!
Good afternoon, sorry for the delay today but afterall, work does come first (pause, OK I'm done laughing now). I haven't really planned today's post out at all so you're going to have to bear with me, this is probably going to be a bit of a roller coaster ride.
I've decided to start a new habit. It's actually more of a hobby now that I think of it, habit being something you become accustomed to doing after significant repitions. Anway, my new hobby is making ambiguous statements that could be construed as a compliment, but in reality, aren't. Please note this is different than the backhanded compliment. Iwill illustrate:
a) The backhanded compliment - That makeup looks great on you, I can barely see your acne.
b) The Ambiguous Statement - Your son's so handsome, I can't believe it.
Now that you see the difference, I encourage you all to go out and practice this hobby as well. Already today I've used it on a barista at Starbucks - "You've got to be the most cheerful person I've ever met before 11am. " I've used it a co-worker, "I don't think anyone can tell you skipped your shower, you look just like you did yesterday." I've even used it on my mom, "It's rare for people go senile at your age." OK that one was less ambiguous but she's kinda losing it so i had to dumb it down for her. I'm kidding, of course (I'm not).
I've also recently been putting together my next list of: 'Things Someone Needs To Make' and since this isn't technically an invention, but more of a policy that needs to be instituted, I figure I'll share it with you today.
I know many of you are forced to make use of public transportation in order to make your daily commute (if you can afford to drive into the city and park in a lot on a daily basis, please make a donation to the 'I Have Significanty Less Money Than You Do, So Give Me Some Fund,' conveniently located in my back pocket). I also know, that you, as I, live in ever-present fear of the empty seat next to you being filled, overflowingly so, by the tuchus from planet, "How much more for the supersize?" If my policy is inistituted, the next time you find your field of vision of vision eclipsed by a 42" butt dropping out of orbit on a collision course for the 30 inches of empty seat adjacent to you, you can simply point to the poster of the seat back and wag your finger. In honor of today's roller coaster theme, I envision it looking something like this:
Good afternoon, sorry for the delay today but afterall, work does come first (pause, OK I'm done laughing now). I haven't really planned today's post out at all so you're going to have to bear with me, this is probably going to be a bit of a roller coaster ride.
I've decided to start a new habit. It's actually more of a hobby now that I think of it, habit being something you become accustomed to doing after significant repitions. Anway, my new hobby is making ambiguous statements that could be construed as a compliment, but in reality, aren't. Please note this is different than the backhanded compliment. Iwill illustrate:
a) The backhanded compliment - That makeup looks great on you, I can barely see your acne.
b) The Ambiguous Statement - Your son's so handsome, I can't believe it.
Now that you see the difference, I encourage you all to go out and practice this hobby as well. Already today I've used it on a barista at Starbucks - "You've got to be the most cheerful person I've ever met before 11am. " I've used it a co-worker, "I don't think anyone can tell you skipped your shower, you look just like you did yesterday." I've even used it on my mom, "It's rare for people go senile at your age." OK that one was less ambiguous but she's kinda losing it so i had to dumb it down for her. I'm kidding, of course (I'm not).
I've also recently been putting together my next list of: 'Things Someone Needs To Make' and since this isn't technically an invention, but more of a policy that needs to be instituted, I figure I'll share it with you today.
I know many of you are forced to make use of public transportation in order to make your daily commute (if you can afford to drive into the city and park in a lot on a daily basis, please make a donation to the 'I Have Significanty Less Money Than You Do, So Give Me Some Fund,' conveniently located in my back pocket). I also know, that you, as I, live in ever-present fear of the empty seat next to you being filled, overflowingly so, by the tuchus from planet, "How much more for the supersize?" If my policy is inistituted, the next time you find your field of vision of vision eclipsed by a 42" butt dropping out of orbit on a collision course for the 30 inches of empty seat adjacent to you, you can simply point to the poster of the seat back and wag your finger. In honor of today's roller coaster theme, I envision it looking something like this:
YOU MUST BE THIS NARROW TO RIDE IN THIS SEAT
(insert picture of a reasonably sized bottom here)
Feb 10, 2008
TALLY HO!
Welcome to the workweek friends. I've missed you since we last interacted on Wednesday past. Well since you last read my beauteous thoughts and then gave me no feedback whatsoever, but who among us would make hay over such fine distinctions while amidst the company of friends. Oh yea, me. That being said, this post promises to be short, owing to a particularly stubborn case of the hiccups.
My friends, I cannot underestimate my shock at this moment. I have tried drinking water, holding my breath, looking at naked pictures of Whoopie Goldberg and yet, nothing. I have found neither refuge nor respite from these insidious and treacherous attacks on my person. I sit here immobilized, impotent to retaliate. How! How, I ask you, have we, the greatest species ever to roam this planet, with minds at our disposal that have made it possible to create a knife so sharp it can cut though a shoe; with minds so inventive we need 47 channels devoted to infomercials ever morning from 3 -8 am; how can we have all of this and yet have still discovered a solution to this scourge?
The mind absolutely boggles at the number of man hours that must be wasted every day by people jerking about to and fro like epileptic fish, tossed hither and thither like the morning catch at a fish market, and left at the non-existent mercy of trapped air in the gastrointestinal cavities. And yet, I overcome. I rallied, marshaled my forces to the silent yet resounding cry of Tally - hiccup - Ho! So without further ado, an abbreviated version of:
The Top Five Things That Bother Me Today:
#5 - The gas pump - Are we really still at the point where I need to stand outside a car in 10 degree weather to fill up a gas tank? We can refuel planes in midair at six hundred miles an hour with highly flammable jet fuel, but you're telling me there's no way to get a parked car filled with 89 unleaded without sacrificing my health? Also I know foreign oil is evil, I've gotten the memo, but I get the idea that they're rubbing their power over us in our respective noses, otherwise, why the hell else would the lever on the gas pumps that I have to stand outside in the freezing cold in order to fill my car with gas, BE MADE OF FREAKING METAL! Every time I hold one of those doohickeys in my hand I'm convinced when I let go, I'll be parting with a swath of skin. The fact that it hasn't happened yet, is by the way, of no consolation. It's like knowing an attack of the hiccups is coming, what are you gonna do huh? Suffer, that's what.
UPDATE: I need to start filing patents as soon as I think these things up http://gizmodo.com/352441/a-robot-that-pumps-your-gas-at-long-last
#4 - The fact that I don't own a Wii - So my nephew got a Wii for his birthday on Sunday, he's six. Let me repeat that, my six year old nephew who is still impressed by change coming out of his ear got a Wii for his birthday whilst the closest I've gotten to an interactive gaming system is wadding up sheets of paper and shooting them into my garbage can.
#3 - Screeching - Why is it that God made children under the age of lets say ten years, people - if you use the term in its broadest sense - without the native intelligence to use it wisely, capable of vocalizing at pitches equal to the task of shattering my ear drums is a mystery and quite frankly, a grievance I hold with the man upstairs.
#2 - The Sunday morning paradox - I will revisit this for a more in-depth discussion but I will address it in brief now. In short, the Sunday morning paradox refers to the dilemma one faces on Saturday night at approximately 1am. To go to sleep or not? On the one hand, it is the weekend, on the other, one can only sleep so late Sunday morning, and if you stay up till 4 and sleep till 10am, by 10pm you will be exhausted and Monday becomes all the more dreaded
#1 - Hiccups! - Really? You need me to explain this?
My friends, I cannot underestimate my shock at this moment. I have tried drinking water, holding my breath, looking at naked pictures of Whoopie Goldberg and yet, nothing. I have found neither refuge nor respite from these insidious and treacherous attacks on my person. I sit here immobilized, impotent to retaliate. How! How, I ask you, have we, the greatest species ever to roam this planet, with minds at our disposal that have made it possible to create a knife so sharp it can cut though a shoe; with minds so inventive we need 47 channels devoted to infomercials ever morning from 3 -8 am; how can we have all of this and yet have still discovered a solution to this scourge?
The mind absolutely boggles at the number of man hours that must be wasted every day by people jerking about to and fro like epileptic fish, tossed hither and thither like the morning catch at a fish market, and left at the non-existent mercy of trapped air in the gastrointestinal cavities. And yet, I overcome. I rallied, marshaled my forces to the silent yet resounding cry of Tally - hiccup - Ho! So without further ado, an abbreviated version of:
The Top Five Things That Bother Me Today:
#5 - The gas pump - Are we really still at the point where I need to stand outside a car in 10 degree weather to fill up a gas tank? We can refuel planes in midair at six hundred miles an hour with highly flammable jet fuel, but you're telling me there's no way to get a parked car filled with 89 unleaded without sacrificing my health? Also I know foreign oil is evil, I've gotten the memo, but I get the idea that they're rubbing their power over us in our respective noses, otherwise, why the hell else would the lever on the gas pumps that I have to stand outside in the freezing cold in order to fill my car with gas, BE MADE OF FREAKING METAL! Every time I hold one of those doohickeys in my hand I'm convinced when I let go, I'll be parting with a swath of skin. The fact that it hasn't happened yet, is by the way, of no consolation. It's like knowing an attack of the hiccups is coming, what are you gonna do huh? Suffer, that's what.
UPDATE: I need to start filing patents as soon as I think these things up http://gizmodo.com/352441/a-robot-that-pumps-your-gas-at-long-last
#4 - The fact that I don't own a Wii - So my nephew got a Wii for his birthday on Sunday, he's six. Let me repeat that, my six year old nephew who is still impressed by change coming out of his ear got a Wii for his birthday whilst the closest I've gotten to an interactive gaming system is wadding up sheets of paper and shooting them into my garbage can.
#3 - Screeching - Why is it that God made children under the age of lets say ten years, people - if you use the term in its broadest sense - without the native intelligence to use it wisely, capable of vocalizing at pitches equal to the task of shattering my ear drums is a mystery and quite frankly, a grievance I hold with the man upstairs.
#2 - The Sunday morning paradox - I will revisit this for a more in-depth discussion but I will address it in brief now. In short, the Sunday morning paradox refers to the dilemma one faces on Saturday night at approximately 1am. To go to sleep or not? On the one hand, it is the weekend, on the other, one can only sleep so late Sunday morning, and if you stay up till 4 and sleep till 10am, by 10pm you will be exhausted and Monday becomes all the more dreaded
#1 - Hiccups! - Really? You need me to explain this?
Feb 6, 2008
HERE LIES...
So I know I promised an explanation for why people in marching bands wear funny hats with feathers on top of them and and well, seeing as how I didn't actually do any research on the matter you're going to have to settle for my deductions. This is what my Sherlock Holmesian deductive skills have come up with:
People, some people, that is, in marching bands are called drum majors (my deductive skills also tell me that they probably play an instrument commonly known as 'the drum'). In the board game Stratego there are pictures of the different levels of soldiers under your command. the Marshal, the general the spy, teh miner, the scout the Major, you get the idea. Anyway, the major wears a hat with feathers. So, people in marching bands wear hats with feathers because majors in the army used to wear feathers - and miner's but that seems irrelevant.
So I went to a hockey game last night and overheard some people talking, and others trash talking two examples:
"So he's married for like 6 months and he wakes up one day with this girl in his bed and he looks at her and goes, who the f*** are you!? Anyway he got divorced.
"Hey Furlov (name of hockey player), nice name!"
I don't know what to make of the first, I just thought it was amusing so I added it, but the second got me thinking. Nice name? Really? Is that even an insult? Would hearing this bother you? I mean outside of like elementary school would anyone use this as a putdown? SoI decided to dedicate today's entry to putdowns that need to be, for lack of a better word, put down.
1 - Your face! - I am considering a possible exception in instances when the person to whom "your face" is being addressed, the 'facee' if you will, is exceptionally ugly or has some sort of message written on his or her forehead. For example is the person is exceptionally ugly and has "what's wrong with me?" written on their face you can point and go "YOUR FACE!"
2 - That's what she said - Hasn't been funny since seventh grade, rarely makes any sense and is often followed by the even more annoying "Ooooooh, busted!" It's time has come and gone. That's what she said! Oooooh Busted!
3 - Your mama jokes - Anytime you become associated with Wilmer Valderama(he had a show on MTV called Yo' Mama!) your time in the spotlight is over. Also since she was so dumb she failed her blood test and was so fat she sat around the house more times than I care to recall, I'm banning any version of these jokes regardless of the subject noun.
4 - Takes one to know one - This isnt even an effective retort, as it grants the premise of the original insulter. It's essentially saying, "I'm an STD ridden man whore? Well so are you!
5 - Oh yea? well you're fat! - Just kiding! That one is TOTALLY still cool.
People, some people, that is, in marching bands are called drum majors (my deductive skills also tell me that they probably play an instrument commonly known as 'the drum'). In the board game Stratego there are pictures of the different levels of soldiers under your command. the Marshal, the general the spy, teh miner, the scout the Major, you get the idea. Anyway, the major wears a hat with feathers. So, people in marching bands wear hats with feathers because majors in the army used to wear feathers - and miner's but that seems irrelevant.
So I went to a hockey game last night and overheard some people talking, and others trash talking two examples:
"So he's married for like 6 months and he wakes up one day with this girl in his bed and he looks at her and goes, who the f*** are you!? Anyway he got divorced.
"Hey Furlov (name of hockey player), nice name!"
I don't know what to make of the first, I just thought it was amusing so I added it, but the second got me thinking. Nice name? Really? Is that even an insult? Would hearing this bother you? I mean outside of like elementary school would anyone use this as a putdown? SoI decided to dedicate today's entry to putdowns that need to be, for lack of a better word, put down.
1 - Your face! - I am considering a possible exception in instances when the person to whom "your face" is being addressed, the 'facee' if you will, is exceptionally ugly or has some sort of message written on his or her forehead. For example is the person is exceptionally ugly and has "what's wrong with me?" written on their face you can point and go "YOUR FACE!"
2 - That's what she said - Hasn't been funny since seventh grade, rarely makes any sense and is often followed by the even more annoying "Ooooooh, busted!" It's time has come and gone. That's what she said! Oooooh Busted!
3 - Your mama jokes - Anytime you become associated with Wilmer Valderama(he had a show on MTV called Yo' Mama!) your time in the spotlight is over. Also since she was so dumb she failed her blood test and was so fat she sat around the house more times than I care to recall, I'm banning any version of these jokes regardless of the subject noun.
4 - Takes one to know one - This isnt even an effective retort, as it grants the premise of the original insulter. It's essentially saying, "I'm an STD ridden man whore? Well so are you!
5 - Oh yea? well you're fat! - Just kiding! That one is TOTALLY still cool.
Feb 5, 2008
YEA, WHAT HE SAID!
Well folks it would seems the 'ripping me off' bandwagon is a-truckin'. As you can see at FireJoeMorgan.com, I am the seed from which other ideas sprout, only by seed I mean; I come up with original ideas, and by sprout I mean; they rip off my material. So today's honorary 'Thing That Bothers Me' is:
Plagarism
Here is my take on the use of 'gate' added onto every scandal from January 22, 2008
#5 - People who add '-gate' as a suffix any time there's a political scandal - I may only be 25 (Shut up! I feel 25. Except in the mornings, then I feel like 35 ,or after 10pm, or after a workout, or when I think about working out, OK so I'm 27, happy?), but I think I'm educated enough to know that Watergate was a pretty big deal for this country and for the newspaper/journalism business itself. That being said, don't you think it's time to let it go? Forget for a moment that it doesn't actually even make any sense ("Monica-gate?" "Hanging Chad-gate"), it's just so uninventive, it's like hiring girls in bikini's to sell cars. Wait, no, that's genius, never mind, bad example. It's like comparing every mean or authoritarian personality to Hitler, oh wait we do that too? I give up, go ahead and use it, in fact, you can call this, Blog-gate. Two g's.
and here is FireJoeMorgan.com ripping me off today
http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/02/lets-clog-those-bases-people.html
Once again, allow me to congratulate the New Jersey Somethings on their richly deserved victory yesterday. For the record, I am disappointed but not upset. When one's teams have been on a run like my teams have since '02, it's dumb to complain. And the Pats losing yesterday will ultimately be about maybe 20% more irritating then them winning, and thus forcing me to listen to people say that their season wasn't legitimate because of SpyGate.
(For the record, you can't just add "Gate" to something to indicate "scandal." The hotel, as we all know, was the Watergate. It wasn't like there was a like Nixonian/"Chinatown" water scandal, and someone said, "Hey -- 'gate' is the LME root for 'cover-up.' Let's call it Water-gate.")
I've highlighted the relevant parts in case you're lazy.
Today is also, for those who don't work near Broadway, the NY Giants championship parade and Super Tuesday or primary day (for those of you who don't think the notion of voting is worthy of an adjectice like 'super') in twenty-some odd states, which means paper shredders in NYC will be putting in overtime. Unlike yours truly who will try an avoid work entirely. (Note to my boss: I'm kidding?) I'm sure there's more I have to say about this, but at the moment it's kind of hard to think with the drum band outside my window. So I'll be brief.
I'm a Giants' (I'm having trouble placing that apostrophe ) fan, a big one, as evidenced by yesterday's post congratulating myself for such, but I have to say I don't quite understand parades. Attending a game I get, you're there, you're in the moment, you see whats happening and rise and fall with the players on the field. With parades 100,000 people line streets 50 -100 deep, unable to see who or what they're cheering and even if they could, much like a NASCAR race (also dumb) it's gone 10 minutes later. And they LOVE it. But all that aside what really confuses me is that at parades people will scream and yell and get excited to see things they wouldn't watch on TV if you paid them. Seriously, how many people watch marching bands during the year? How much would I have to pay you to sit through two hours of nothing but marching bands and people waving from cars? Wow! that much? Well, I think you're all a bunch of greedy jerks personally, but thank you for making my point.
I think it's fitting that the parade is the same day as NY's primary because I have to think that the same people who attend parades and cheer for the feather hat wearing, marching bands are the same people who attend those post primary speeches given by political candidates. I mean I can sorta get it if you're candidate won (YAY! the person with whom I share views about immigration reform and deficit spending, but differ on with regard to universal healthcare and bipartisan collaboration won 21 delegates and is now 1/265 of the way towards being my party's nominee for the election to be held six months from now, WOOOOO!), but dude how do the losers get that many people in a room cheering about coming in third? I think the issue is that we, as Americans are addicted to cheering. We will, if given the chance, cheer for the sun to rise in the morning, for lunch to come in the afternoon and streetlights to come on at night. We also, myself included, like adding the word 'suck' to the end of our chants. What I'm saying I guess is we're a simple minded people but gosh darn it, we have spunk.
Russia Sucks! Woooooo!
Tomorrow: Why people in bands wear hats with feathers on them.
Plagarism
Here is my take on the use of 'gate' added onto every scandal from January 22, 2008
#5 - People who add '-gate' as a suffix any time there's a political scandal - I may only be 25 (Shut up! I feel 25. Except in the mornings, then I feel like 35 ,or after 10pm, or after a workout, or when I think about working out, OK so I'm 27, happy?), but I think I'm educated enough to know that Watergate was a pretty big deal for this country and for the newspaper/journalism business itself. That being said, don't you think it's time to let it go? Forget for a moment that it doesn't actually even make any sense ("Monica-gate?" "Hanging Chad-gate"), it's just so uninventive, it's like hiring girls in bikini's to sell cars. Wait, no, that's genius, never mind, bad example. It's like comparing every mean or authoritarian personality to Hitler, oh wait we do that too? I give up, go ahead and use it, in fact, you can call this, Blog-gate. Two g's.
and here is FireJoeMorgan.com ripping me off today
http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/02/lets-clog-those-bases-people.html
Once again, allow me to congratulate the New Jersey Somethings on their richly deserved victory yesterday. For the record, I am disappointed but not upset. When one's teams have been on a run like my teams have since '02, it's dumb to complain. And the Pats losing yesterday will ultimately be about maybe 20% more irritating then them winning, and thus forcing me to listen to people say that their season wasn't legitimate because of SpyGate.
(For the record, you can't just add "Gate" to something to indicate "scandal." The hotel, as we all know, was the Watergate. It wasn't like there was a like Nixonian/"Chinatown" water scandal, and someone said, "Hey -- 'gate' is the LME root for 'cover-up.' Let's call it Water-gate.")
I've highlighted the relevant parts in case you're lazy.
Today is also, for those who don't work near Broadway, the NY Giants championship parade and Super Tuesday or primary day (for those of you who don't think the notion of voting is worthy of an adjectice like 'super') in twenty-some odd states, which means paper shredders in NYC will be putting in overtime. Unlike yours truly who will try an avoid work entirely. (Note to my boss: I'm kidding?) I'm sure there's more I have to say about this, but at the moment it's kind of hard to think with the drum band outside my window. So I'll be brief.
I'm a Giants' (I'm having trouble placing that apostrophe ) fan, a big one, as evidenced by yesterday's post congratulating myself for such, but I have to say I don't quite understand parades. Attending a game I get, you're there, you're in the moment, you see whats happening and rise and fall with the players on the field. With parades 100,000 people line streets 50 -100 deep, unable to see who or what they're cheering and even if they could, much like a NASCAR race (also dumb) it's gone 10 minutes later. And they LOVE it. But all that aside what really confuses me is that at parades people will scream and yell and get excited to see things they wouldn't watch on TV if you paid them. Seriously, how many people watch marching bands during the year? How much would I have to pay you to sit through two hours of nothing but marching bands and people waving from cars? Wow! that much? Well, I think you're all a bunch of greedy jerks personally, but thank you for making my point.
I think it's fitting that the parade is the same day as NY's primary because I have to think that the same people who attend parades and cheer for the feather hat wearing, marching bands are the same people who attend those post primary speeches given by political candidates. I mean I can sorta get it if you're candidate won (YAY! the person with whom I share views about immigration reform and deficit spending, but differ on with regard to universal healthcare and bipartisan collaboration won 21 delegates and is now 1/265 of the way towards being my party's nominee for the election to be held six months from now, WOOOOO!), but dude how do the losers get that many people in a room cheering about coming in third? I think the issue is that we, as Americans are addicted to cheering. We will, if given the chance, cheer for the sun to rise in the morning, for lunch to come in the afternoon and streetlights to come on at night. We also, myself included, like adding the word 'suck' to the end of our chants. What I'm saying I guess is we're a simple minded people but gosh darn it, we have spunk.
Russia Sucks! Woooooo!
Tomorrow: Why people in bands wear hats with feathers on them.
Feb 4, 2008
PLEASE, NO MORE AUTOGRAPHS
I'd like to begin by taking a moment to congratulate myself on being a fan of the New York Giants. It was a long, hard season, but I fought my way through the adversity. I overcame half a season of football in standard definition, long commercial breaks and even remote control malfunctions that caused me to change the channel MANUALLY! I don't know how I did it, nor, to be honest did I think I could, but I did, and now the Giants are champions.
I will admit this victory did not come easy. Even during this very last game I had to overcome a sore throat, acid reflux and the cruel temptation of winning $200 should the Giants not score on their final possession. Yet, just as Abraham in his quest to follow God's command to sacrifice his son, I too triumphed over these tests of faith, will and determination. I sit before you (metaphorically speaking) fully and wholly satisfied by the result. I didn't do it for glory, for immortality or because my son was thirty six years old and still living at home. I didn't do it to for the money (though if there are those out there who feel compelled to compensate me for last night's performance, I will be accepting gratuities), or for the repeated shots of cheerleaders (though seriously, whoever invented cheerleaders, dude, I owe you one), to be honest I can't even tell you why I did it. All I know is this, I cannot be bothered by anything today.
Update: Things, apparently, still bother me.
Sadly, if entirely unsurprisingly, the news was not good throughout the world. In Israel today, a suicide bomber killed two people and injured eleven more. According to the NY Times there were two bombers, but, in a display that epitomizes how it is a billion Arabs have failed to destroy Israel, the second bomber was standing too close to the explosion and was injured. An alert Israeli police officer saw the injured murderer reaching for his bomb and in a display of quick thinking and skill that boggles my mind somehow managed to kill him before the menace could blow himself up. That's how I would put it at least. Officer Moor, however, is a much better writer than I and so I give you his own words.
“His hand was twitching. He raised it again. So I shot four bullets into his head and neutralized him.”
Isn't there just something savagely beautiful about the understatement?
In a less serious vein I am also bothered by Ryan Seacrest. How a man who uses more feminine products than a menstral call girl can be chosen to host the Super Bowl the SUPER BOWL; the most manly event in the universe after the World's Strongest Man Competition (I mean those guys hurl beer kegs 20 feet in the air and pull trucks with their earlobes, so really I don't think it'd be a good idea to tell them they're not manly), is beyond my comprehension. I mean that decison was so dumb I couldn't find any redeeming value it with an electron microscope attached to the Hubble telescope.
In fact, I kind of wish I could get he and Officer Moor in a room together. What? I'm just saying, accidents happen. Besides, what's a little neutralization between police officer and ubiquitious, unctuous, untalented talent show host? At the very least I hope this generation's Star Search host will be redcued to handing out those jumbo sized Pulisher's Clearinghouse checks for a living in the near future.
I will admit this victory did not come easy. Even during this very last game I had to overcome a sore throat, acid reflux and the cruel temptation of winning $200 should the Giants not score on their final possession. Yet, just as Abraham in his quest to follow God's command to sacrifice his son, I too triumphed over these tests of faith, will and determination. I sit before you (metaphorically speaking) fully and wholly satisfied by the result. I didn't do it for glory, for immortality or because my son was thirty six years old and still living at home. I didn't do it to for the money (though if there are those out there who feel compelled to compensate me for last night's performance, I will be accepting gratuities), or for the repeated shots of cheerleaders (though seriously, whoever invented cheerleaders, dude, I owe you one), to be honest I can't even tell you why I did it. All I know is this, I cannot be bothered by anything today.
Update: Things, apparently, still bother me.
Sadly, if entirely unsurprisingly, the news was not good throughout the world. In Israel today, a suicide bomber killed two people and injured eleven more. According to the NY Times there were two bombers, but, in a display that epitomizes how it is a billion Arabs have failed to destroy Israel, the second bomber was standing too close to the explosion and was injured. An alert Israeli police officer saw the injured murderer reaching for his bomb and in a display of quick thinking and skill that boggles my mind somehow managed to kill him before the menace could blow himself up. That's how I would put it at least. Officer Moor, however, is a much better writer than I and so I give you his own words.
“His hand was twitching. He raised it again. So I shot four bullets into his head and neutralized him.”
Isn't there just something savagely beautiful about the understatement?
In a less serious vein I am also bothered by Ryan Seacrest. How a man who uses more feminine products than a menstral call girl can be chosen to host the Super Bowl the SUPER BOWL; the most manly event in the universe after the World's Strongest Man Competition (I mean those guys hurl beer kegs 20 feet in the air and pull trucks with their earlobes, so really I don't think it'd be a good idea to tell them they're not manly), is beyond my comprehension. I mean that decison was so dumb I couldn't find any redeeming value it with an electron microscope attached to the Hubble telescope.
In fact, I kind of wish I could get he and Officer Moor in a room together. What? I'm just saying, accidents happen. Besides, what's a little neutralization between police officer and ubiquitious, unctuous, untalented talent show host? At the very least I hope this generation's Star Search host will be redcued to handing out those jumbo sized Pulisher's Clearinghouse checks for a living in the near future.
Feb 1, 2008
THE ANTI-WICKED WITCH
So I don't have much time today, but before I leave you for the weekend I wanted to talk about something that's perplexed me for a while. In case you are unaware, it is a rainy day here in New York, the only city that matters. With that rain, however, comes more than soggy shoes and clingy T-shirts, with it come the Umbrella people. Perhaps you are familiar with them? They appear out of the ether every time it rains, sprouted into existence by precipitation. You can identify them by the 300 umbrellas they have for sale beside them. How do they transport their umbrealls to our streets from the underworld in which they reside? What do these people do with them when its sunny? Do they have other jobs that don't involve others getting soaked? How do these parasites of human suffering survive when sky's are clear? How do they always know when it's going to rain? How can street merchants afford Doppler radar? These are all questions which i think need to be answered.
Any guesses?
Personally I think they're descendant's from Oz. The offspring of a long-forgotten race who, through self-preservation, genetic mutation and natural selection learned to thrive in wetness to protect themsleves from their natural enemy, the Wicked Witch of the West, she of melting in water. But it's just a theory.
Any guesses?
Personally I think they're descendant's from Oz. The offspring of a long-forgotten race who, through self-preservation, genetic mutation and natural selection learned to thrive in wetness to protect themsleves from their natural enemy, the Wicked Witch of the West, she of melting in water. But it's just a theory.
Jan 31, 2008
FAVA BEANS
I am not going to lie to you friends, I am not in a good mood. I had CLE's for 3 hours again last night (thankfully for the last time this year), and then had court this morning at 9am. More upsetting, however, were the results of the psychological profile that I took during last night's CLE's. I am not ashamed to say they were staggering, shocking, and utterly devastating. It would seem I, your trusted voice of compassion, your oracle of sympathy and sensitivity, the man who makes you all want to be better, kinder people, lack what are generally referred to as, "feelings." I know! I said the same thing. How could this be so? Is it possible the woman giving the class, a professional who by her own resume (handed out with the course packet) is an accomplished studio jeweler could be wrong? Nah!
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Stupid questions on a psychological profile - The following isn't an insightful question:
Which is truer of you:
a) I am bighearted
b) I am logical
Having this question repeated 26 times is even less insightful. I'm not a psychologist (though according to my score I may be psychopathic), but I'm reasonably certain a profile should consist of more than, circle "a" if youre sensitive. I have a friend who once tried to prove he was 6 feet tall by showing me his driver's license. When I asked him if he was measured before they put 'height:6' on his license, his response was; "No, they asked me how tall I was and I told them." That's pretty much the value of this test. It tells you what you think of yourself. If you're a pygmy with lifts and think you're six feet tall, that's what it will say. If you have a blog dedicated to highlighting the flaws, faults and failings of those who don't measure up, it will tell you you're an unfeeling, superior, narcissist. Hmm maybe these test ARE accurate.
#4 - People who think putting 'jewelry salesperson' on their career counselor resume is a good idea - I'm too tired to point out how dumb this is, you all see it right? I mean how would the conversation go, "Hi ,I'll be your career counselor I'm sorry to hear you got fired after being outed as a psychopath, but can I interest you in a broach?"
#3 - Dumb demonstrations - I know I'm harping on this CLE thing a bit, but hear me out. The first exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times. The second exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times with our off (in this case, my left) hand. Then, after we were done scrawling our names illegibly, she asked this deep and insightful question insightful question; "What did you learn?" You know what I learned? I learned I'm righthanded dumbo!
#2 - Forty year olds starting a new career - Sorry, I don't mean to discriminate (anyone believe that, no?) but you guys really need to get out of the way. For some reason the older someone is the more they feel the need to contribute at lectures. They raise their hands, bob their heads and laugh at unfunny jokes. If I had to narrow it down (I actually don't have to guess at all, I don't have an editor or anything, I'm just going to anyway), I'd say the cutoff is somewhere around the age where you find yourself lecturing store clerks about proper service. So pretty much anyone who's ever used the expressions, "when I was your age if I did that..." or "In my day we took care of the customer" should just accept their fate.
#1 - Returning stuff - I'm not what you'd call a shopper, but if there is a single process more convoluted and uneccessarily painful than returning something to a store, I'd like you to call Tourqemada, I think he's in the market for some new ideas.
The following is a dramatization (I feel like I'm in an E! True Hollywood Story) of my experience with returning a wallet.
"Hi I'd like to return this."
"Do you have a receipt?"
"Yes."
"Ok well just go to sub-basement three, open the dungeon doors and follow the screaming."
So I go to sub-basement three and the line is something like sixteen people long. Inevitably, half of these people lack receipts, another two or three of these people aren't actually returning items and keep repeating when they get to the front of the line, "but can't you just ring me up here, I've been on line forever." (These by the way are the same people who can't tell the difference between the ticket buying line and the ticket holding line at the movies). Finally I get to the front and the woman asks me,
"Would you like a credit or a refund?"
"Refund, please"
"I'm sorry we only refund purchases within 30 days of the purchase." (Oh yeah I also hate returning crap cuz it takes me forever to get around to).
"Well then I don't really understand why you asked me which I'd like, that sort of implies the choice is mine. Why even ask me otherwise? Are you filling out some sort of survey as to whether people prefer store credits over money? Cuz if you are, I can save you some time."
"Do you still want to return the item sir?"
"Yes, I'd still like to return it. Can I get a store credit then?"
"One second sir, I have to find the postage stamp sized piece of paper we print store credits on. Here it is. Please remember not to lose this (holding up credit with a tweezer) because there will be no other record of this credit and if you do, wait where'd it go? (grabs magnifying glass) Oh! there it is, as I was saying if you lose it we will keep your money. Have a nice day!
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Stupid questions on a psychological profile - The following isn't an insightful question:
Which is truer of you:
a) I am bighearted
b) I am logical
Having this question repeated 26 times is even less insightful. I'm not a psychologist (though according to my score I may be psychopathic), but I'm reasonably certain a profile should consist of more than, circle "a" if youre sensitive. I have a friend who once tried to prove he was 6 feet tall by showing me his driver's license. When I asked him if he was measured before they put 'height:6' on his license, his response was; "No, they asked me how tall I was and I told them." That's pretty much the value of this test. It tells you what you think of yourself. If you're a pygmy with lifts and think you're six feet tall, that's what it will say. If you have a blog dedicated to highlighting the flaws, faults and failings of those who don't measure up, it will tell you you're an unfeeling, superior, narcissist. Hmm maybe these test ARE accurate.
#4 - People who think putting 'jewelry salesperson' on their career counselor resume is a good idea - I'm too tired to point out how dumb this is, you all see it right? I mean how would the conversation go, "Hi ,I'll be your career counselor I'm sorry to hear you got fired after being outed as a psychopath, but can I interest you in a broach?"
#3 - Dumb demonstrations - I know I'm harping on this CLE thing a bit, but hear me out. The first exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times. The second exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times with our off (in this case, my left) hand. Then, after we were done scrawling our names illegibly, she asked this deep and insightful question insightful question; "What did you learn?" You know what I learned? I learned I'm righthanded dumbo!
#2 - Forty year olds starting a new career - Sorry, I don't mean to discriminate (anyone believe that, no?) but you guys really need to get out of the way. For some reason the older someone is the more they feel the need to contribute at lectures. They raise their hands, bob their heads and laugh at unfunny jokes. If I had to narrow it down (I actually don't have to guess at all, I don't have an editor or anything, I'm just going to anyway), I'd say the cutoff is somewhere around the age where you find yourself lecturing store clerks about proper service. So pretty much anyone who's ever used the expressions, "when I was your age if I did that..." or "In my day we took care of the customer" should just accept their fate.
#1 - Returning stuff - I'm not what you'd call a shopper, but if there is a single process more convoluted and uneccessarily painful than returning something to a store, I'd like you to call Tourqemada, I think he's in the market for some new ideas.
The following is a dramatization (I feel like I'm in an E! True Hollywood Story) of my experience with returning a wallet.
"Hi I'd like to return this."
"Do you have a receipt?"
"Yes."
"Ok well just go to sub-basement three, open the dungeon doors and follow the screaming."
So I go to sub-basement three and the line is something like sixteen people long. Inevitably, half of these people lack receipts, another two or three of these people aren't actually returning items and keep repeating when they get to the front of the line, "but can't you just ring me up here, I've been on line forever." (These by the way are the same people who can't tell the difference between the ticket buying line and the ticket holding line at the movies). Finally I get to the front and the woman asks me,
"Would you like a credit or a refund?"
"Refund, please"
"I'm sorry we only refund purchases within 30 days of the purchase." (Oh yeah I also hate returning crap cuz it takes me forever to get around to).
"Well then I don't really understand why you asked me which I'd like, that sort of implies the choice is mine. Why even ask me otherwise? Are you filling out some sort of survey as to whether people prefer store credits over money? Cuz if you are, I can save you some time."
"Do you still want to return the item sir?"
"Yes, I'd still like to return it. Can I get a store credit then?"
"One second sir, I have to find the postage stamp sized piece of paper we print store credits on. Here it is. Please remember not to lose this (holding up credit with a tweezer) because there will be no other record of this credit and if you do, wait where'd it go? (grabs magnifying glass) Oh! there it is, as I was saying if you lose it we will keep your money. Have a nice day!
Jan 29, 2008
THE HIERARCHY OF FRUIT
I write this from the heavenly comfort of my cotton pajamas, nestled deep under the covers of my pillow top bed. I say this because when you read this tomorrow (what you would call 'today'), you will be hard at work, wearing freshly starched and pressed clothes, the chill of the morning air still lingering in your body, your mind still fresh with the memories of sleep and the thought of me being all snuggled up and comfy in bed will make you sad. In a related news bulletin, I am also quite mean.
I really hope someone enjoyed that as much as I do.
Anyway I've been thinking about it and it seems like there aren't enough people in the world who aren't brain addled. I say this because every so often after reading an article (news, sports, television, movies, yeah that's pretty much all I read about) online, I'll click on the little comments link and I am astounded at the idiocy being spouted. There seems to be no interest in grammar, spelling or syntax and even less interest in a comprehensible point. It's enough to lead one to wonder if only idiots use the Internet. Then again, perhaps you don't quite understand what I'm talking about, seeing as you, my readers, are apparently unaware of the comments link and the ability to post fawning and flattering remarks about an author, of a piece, such as, shall we say, this one.
I now return to the third installment of the recurring series:
Aphorisms that don't make any sense
- When in Rome - Continuing on America's fascination with all things Roman (see Rome wasn't built in a day) we apparently ascribe bowing to convention to being somehow Romanic. Why the Romans? Good question , it's actually based on first century joke, stop me if you've heard it before. An Acadian a Phoenician and a Sumerian walk into this place called Rome Bar and Grill (Applebees was full). The bartender asks them what they'll have to drink and the Phoenician replies with whatever the word in Phoenician is for beer (it's a dead language people, how much research do you think I'm doing for this joke?) and the bartender not recognizing the word gives him some cheap slop, the same holds true for the Acadian. Finally it's the Sumerian's turn he looks around at the assembled mass of people in Rome Bar and Grill all drinking cold frothy beer and says I'll have what they're having and thus was born the expression, when in Rome. Wow, I made you read a lot for a crappy punchline. Don't worry it gets better.
- I'm feeling blue - How many people have a favorite color? Good, now how many of you answered blue? See? Blue is a very popular color, people like it, it makes them happy. Who chooses a favorite color that depresses them? Even goths who wear black, wear black because it makes them happy, just don't tell them that, you'll unhinge their whole view of reality. And don't tell me it's because of the blues, the same question would still apply. My theory is someone was about to say I'm feeling black, got to 'I'm feeling bl--' looked around at the racially diverse crowd an just changed it to blue to save his cracker butt.
- Apple of my eye - I'm not even going to discuss anatomy right now because I've already done way too much research on Phoenicians and Sumerians to go back to Wikipedia again (I don't know if you noticed this but I totally just winged it on the Acadians), but I'm reasonable certain there is no part of the eye that resembles a fruit, other than perhaps a grape. So why apple? In the hierarchy of fruit I've gotta think apple is low down on the list way down near peasant or serf at best a knight, while mangoes, papayas, peaches, plums and nectarines are the Lords, Earls, Dukes, Barons and Counts of the fruit family. In fact as it stands the expression actually seems derogatory, 'you're the at best sixth most desirable fruit of my eye. From now on the proper way to say it, assuming you want to pay a compliment will be; 'You are the mango of my eye.' See, I told you it would get better.
- Cute as a button - Things that are cuter than buttons: Puppies, bunnies, the chubby girl from Little Miss Sunshine, penguins, my niece and nephew, that new Kia commercial where everyone forgets which side of the car their gas tank is on and, in my less than humble opinion, snaps. Yes that's right I find snaps cuter than buttons! Why should my personal aesthetics be subsumed to those of an aphorism? I also think toggles are cuter than buttons so by my count even when you narrow the focus to things that fasten clothes, buttons still come in third. Buttons are the apples of the clothes fastening world.
- The whole shebang - Much like our earlier discussion of The whole nine yards, this expression fails to make sense without any adjectives as to percentages. Seriously, what the hell is a shebang? It sorta sounds like a really crappy Ricky Martin song, but I don't think we can blame him for anything other than, frosted tips, Enrique Iglesias and people who say 'I'm just livin' La vida Loca.' I think the true measure of a word is, if you take it out of the context in which it's used, does it still make sense? In this case, if you said yeah I went to the store but I could only get three-fifths of a shebang, people would look at you funny. Shebang, not a word.
I really hope someone enjoyed that as much as I do.
Anyway I've been thinking about it and it seems like there aren't enough people in the world who aren't brain addled. I say this because every so often after reading an article (news, sports, television, movies, yeah that's pretty much all I read about) online, I'll click on the little comments link and I am astounded at the idiocy being spouted. There seems to be no interest in grammar, spelling or syntax and even less interest in a comprehensible point. It's enough to lead one to wonder if only idiots use the Internet. Then again, perhaps you don't quite understand what I'm talking about, seeing as you, my readers, are apparently unaware of the comments link and the ability to post fawning and flattering remarks about an author, of a piece, such as, shall we say, this one.
I now return to the third installment of the recurring series:
Aphorisms that don't make any sense
- When in Rome - Continuing on America's fascination with all things Roman (see Rome wasn't built in a day) we apparently ascribe bowing to convention to being somehow Romanic. Why the Romans? Good question , it's actually based on first century joke, stop me if you've heard it before. An Acadian a Phoenician and a Sumerian walk into this place called Rome Bar and Grill (Applebees was full). The bartender asks them what they'll have to drink and the Phoenician replies with whatever the word in Phoenician is for beer (it's a dead language people, how much research do you think I'm doing for this joke?) and the bartender not recognizing the word gives him some cheap slop, the same holds true for the Acadian. Finally it's the Sumerian's turn he looks around at the assembled mass of people in Rome Bar and Grill all drinking cold frothy beer and says I'll have what they're having and thus was born the expression, when in Rome. Wow, I made you read a lot for a crappy punchline. Don't worry it gets better.
- I'm feeling blue - How many people have a favorite color? Good, now how many of you answered blue? See? Blue is a very popular color, people like it, it makes them happy. Who chooses a favorite color that depresses them? Even goths who wear black, wear black because it makes them happy, just don't tell them that, you'll unhinge their whole view of reality. And don't tell me it's because of the blues, the same question would still apply. My theory is someone was about to say I'm feeling black, got to 'I'm feeling bl--' looked around at the racially diverse crowd an just changed it to blue to save his cracker butt.
- Apple of my eye - I'm not even going to discuss anatomy right now because I've already done way too much research on Phoenicians and Sumerians to go back to Wikipedia again (I don't know if you noticed this but I totally just winged it on the Acadians), but I'm reasonable certain there is no part of the eye that resembles a fruit, other than perhaps a grape. So why apple? In the hierarchy of fruit I've gotta think apple is low down on the list way down near peasant or serf at best a knight, while mangoes, papayas, peaches, plums and nectarines are the Lords, Earls, Dukes, Barons and Counts of the fruit family. In fact as it stands the expression actually seems derogatory, 'you're the at best sixth most desirable fruit of my eye. From now on the proper way to say it, assuming you want to pay a compliment will be; 'You are the mango of my eye.' See, I told you it would get better.
- Cute as a button - Things that are cuter than buttons: Puppies, bunnies, the chubby girl from Little Miss Sunshine, penguins, my niece and nephew, that new Kia commercial where everyone forgets which side of the car their gas tank is on and, in my less than humble opinion, snaps. Yes that's right I find snaps cuter than buttons! Why should my personal aesthetics be subsumed to those of an aphorism? I also think toggles are cuter than buttons so by my count even when you narrow the focus to things that fasten clothes, buttons still come in third. Buttons are the apples of the clothes fastening world.
- The whole shebang - Much like our earlier discussion of The whole nine yards, this expression fails to make sense without any adjectives as to percentages. Seriously, what the hell is a shebang? It sorta sounds like a really crappy Ricky Martin song, but I don't think we can blame him for anything other than, frosted tips, Enrique Iglesias and people who say 'I'm just livin' La vida Loca.' I think the true measure of a word is, if you take it out of the context in which it's used, does it still make sense? In this case, if you said yeah I went to the store but I could only get three-fifths of a shebang, people would look at you funny. Shebang, not a word.
Jan 28, 2008
CALLING OUT AROUND THE WORLD
Welcome back to the grind readers. I know some of you probably had to work Sunday, and I laugh at you heartily. Then again, I'm pretty sure your 401(k) just gave mine an inferiority complex, so I think we're even.
I know some of you out there look at Monday as the ultimate annoyance, the eggshell in your omelette, the 'but' in a compliment, the tax in your income, but I assure you, after reading this, it will only be one of a plethora of ills you now find with the world. Think of it as me disemboweling you to make your finger stop hurting, only your finger will continue to hurt.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - People who point out my spelling mistakes - Contrary to what you all seem to think this is is not appreciated. If I make a spelling mistake it is different from when one of you do it; it is the offspring of accident not not the product of improficiency. In short, stop it, you big bully.
#4 - Exit 26 A-Q - Ever follow directions without having an exact mileage estimate and find yourself counting down the exits till your destination? Ever experience the relief of thinking you're only two exits away and then watch with horror as exit 26 became exit 26a, 26, b 26, c 26, d and the memory of your once incipient arrival lingered as nothing more than a synaptic taunt? No? Oh well, at least I used incipient in a sentence.
#3 - Quick Dry White Out - Liar! Deceiver! Dissembler! I shall make you pay for your eponymous deceit! How many tips of how many pens have been sacrificed in the well of your false name? How many ballpoints, rolling tip and fountains must pass from utility to uselessness before this scourge is removed from out midst? Quick drying white out, I'm calling you out!
Authors Note: In case that was a bit confusing, my white out takes forever to dry and keeps getting all over my pens.
#2 - Temperature v. Wind Chill Factor - Things I care less about than scientifically objective, purported temperature, relative to the subjective, wind chill included, actual temperature: Soccer, the doorman's answer to "what's up?", your blog, whether the Oscar's will have writers and my clients. I understand that a thermometer wont display wind chill, but you know what? I'm not a thermometer. When I check the weather I want to know how cold I will be, not how cold I would be if I were a thermometer. Al Roker, I'm calling you out.
#1 - Dumb people with superiority complexes - Some things are just too upsetting to joke about. How people who needed to have their tongue size checked just to assure employers that they weren't part of a mentally disabled placement program can have egos is beyond me. How those egos are as big as mine, makes think I need to reassess admitting I'm not humble.
Till tomorrow, GO GIANTS!
I know some of you out there look at Monday as the ultimate annoyance, the eggshell in your omelette, the 'but' in a compliment, the tax in your income, but I assure you, after reading this, it will only be one of a plethora of ills you now find with the world. Think of it as me disemboweling you to make your finger stop hurting, only your finger will continue to hurt.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - People who point out my spelling mistakes - Contrary to what you all seem to think this is is not appreciated. If I make a spelling mistake it is different from when one of you do it; it is the offspring of accident not not the product of improficiency. In short, stop it, you big bully.
#4 - Exit 26 A-Q - Ever follow directions without having an exact mileage estimate and find yourself counting down the exits till your destination? Ever experience the relief of thinking you're only two exits away and then watch with horror as exit 26 became exit 26a, 26, b 26, c 26, d and the memory of your once incipient arrival lingered as nothing more than a synaptic taunt? No? Oh well, at least I used incipient in a sentence.
#3 - Quick Dry White Out - Liar! Deceiver! Dissembler! I shall make you pay for your eponymous deceit! How many tips of how many pens have been sacrificed in the well of your false name? How many ballpoints, rolling tip and fountains must pass from utility to uselessness before this scourge is removed from out midst? Quick drying white out, I'm calling you out!
Authors Note: In case that was a bit confusing, my white out takes forever to dry and keeps getting all over my pens.
#2 - Temperature v. Wind Chill Factor - Things I care less about than scientifically objective, purported temperature, relative to the subjective, wind chill included, actual temperature: Soccer, the doorman's answer to "what's up?", your blog, whether the Oscar's will have writers and my clients. I understand that a thermometer wont display wind chill, but you know what? I'm not a thermometer. When I check the weather I want to know how cold I will be, not how cold I would be if I were a thermometer. Al Roker, I'm calling you out.
#1 - Dumb people with superiority complexes - Some things are just too upsetting to joke about. How people who needed to have their tongue size checked just to assure employers that they weren't part of a mentally disabled placement program can have egos is beyond me. How those egos are as big as mine, makes think I need to reassess admitting I'm not humble.
Till tomorrow, GO GIANTS!
Jan 25, 2008
EXCUSES, EXCUSES
Sorry folks about missing yesterday guys, but there were mitigating circumstances, namely the hunger strike I was apparently put on by the restaurant I ordered lunch from. Anyway I'm going to be brief today so here's the update rundown
- CLE's - Things that put people to sleep and thus make poor topics for lectures - If I was compiling such a list I'd have to think Ethics and Grammar would be in the top 3. Thus you can imagine my interest in my three and a half hour CLE class on legal writing ("can anyone tell me what a split infinitive is") and Ethics ("what if you think you're client who's paying you millions of dollars is a mean person?") Sadly, I wasn't able to sleep. I did, however, manage to not listen to a single word after the introductions, which is you know, good news for me but doesn't exactly make for fascinating reading. Oh, and lawyers, still not an attractive bunch
- Serving Sizes - Bought a cookie today, it's about the size of a regular Pepperidge Farm cookie only it was $2.40 and when I flipped it over, I saw that my individually wrapped cookie, that was smaller than the palm of my hand, was actually, in some sick, deranged, nutritionist's mind, TWO servings! How many times will I have to say this before the makers of snacks cower at my feet? If it's individually wrapped non-resealable wrapped snack it's a SINGLE SERVING! I'm not going to eat half and keep the other half a cookie for tomorrow.
- I don't think that means what you think it does - Penultimate, does not mean super ultimate, it means second to last, or second to the ultimate. Also pluperfect doesn't mean super perfect, it is variation on the past perfect tense, as in "Had he known he was going to follow a grammar lecture he would have been more careful about using words he actually understood."
Till next week
- CLE's - Things that put people to sleep and thus make poor topics for lectures - If I was compiling such a list I'd have to think Ethics and Grammar would be in the top 3. Thus you can imagine my interest in my three and a half hour CLE class on legal writing ("can anyone tell me what a split infinitive is") and Ethics ("what if you think you're client who's paying you millions of dollars is a mean person?") Sadly, I wasn't able to sleep. I did, however, manage to not listen to a single word after the introductions, which is you know, good news for me but doesn't exactly make for fascinating reading. Oh, and lawyers, still not an attractive bunch
- Serving Sizes - Bought a cookie today, it's about the size of a regular Pepperidge Farm cookie only it was $2.40 and when I flipped it over, I saw that my individually wrapped cookie, that was smaller than the palm of my hand, was actually, in some sick, deranged, nutritionist's mind, TWO servings! How many times will I have to say this before the makers of snacks cower at my feet? If it's individually wrapped non-resealable wrapped snack it's a SINGLE SERVING! I'm not going to eat half and keep the other half a cookie for tomorrow.
- I don't think that means what you think it does - Penultimate, does not mean super ultimate, it means second to last, or second to the ultimate. Also pluperfect doesn't mean super perfect, it is variation on the past perfect tense, as in "Had he known he was going to follow a grammar lecture he would have been more careful about using words he actually understood."
Till next week
Jan 22, 2008
MIRROR, MIRROR
Some readers of the blog have mentioned that I seem easily bothered, that I'm hard to please, that I look for flaws in what is otherwise, a largely functioning world. This may well be true, I may be your morning after headache, your late period, your end of month credit card statement, bringing you back from joy to sorrow with all the charm of an IRS agent, but it is my assertion, nay, it is my belief, that it is you dear readers who are in the wrong. It is you who are too forgiving, too obliging, too understanding. It is you who allow these crimes of common sense, these violations of societal values, to go unpunished; shrugging them off with the nonchalance of an empty cliche. NO MORE! Away with, to each his own, to bygones being bygones, to beauty being in the eye of the beholder. It is my solemn duty, my sworn service to you, to lift the veil, to shatter the glass, to bring light to the dark, magnanimous corners of your minds and end this plague, called generosity of spirit.
Anyway, on with the show.
Top Five Things That Bother Me (but should be bothering all of you as well) Today
#5 - People who ask for it - So I saw this girl the other day she was, let's call her husky, wearing a T-Shirt with the words "All Natural" imprinted front and center. Now I understand that body image is important and you have to feel comfortable in your own skin (more on this at #1), but by the same token it's also important to not be insane. Now I'll admit that I'm not the nicest guy in the world (I was an early favorite but didn't make it out of the South Carolina primaries, turns out calling the Virgin Mary, a 'Bloody Mary' (see the post below this one) doesn't win you very many evangelical votes), but I have to believe even someone with cough "generosity of spirit" would find himself thinking, "of course it's all natural, who would pay a doctor to look like that?"
#4 - Serving sizes - I am not a large man (there are about eight different jokes that seem fitting here, but we're going to pretend we're above that and ignore them, OK fine, but just one, it's not the size of the missile but the destructive capability of its thermonuclear warhead, hmm, sounded better in my head), but even I am starting to get annoyed by the snack food company's response to calorie awareness. These company's are hawking the low calorie content of their product only to list in teeny little letters on the reverse side that their candy bar is actually TWO servings and that eating it would double the caloric intake. Things that come individually wrapped are a single serving, what am i supposed to do fold up my candy bar and put it in my pocket for later? Am I supposed to start buying pants with specially lined pockets so i can keep chocolate from melting and pretzels from going stale? An apple's serving size is one apple a candy bar's serving size is one candy bar and a bag of chips' is one bag. Sorry this wasn't funny, I'm genuinely annoyed.
#3 - People who say they have temperature - You know who has temperature? EVERYONE! Even rocks have temperature. What they have, is a fever. They also have a distinct lack of comprehension when it comes to the meaning of the word temperature, but it's not a good idea to pick on someone with a fever, they may cough on you.
#2 - People who use notoriety and fame as synonyms - Notoriety is not a variation of noteworthy. It is the noun for the adjective notorious. So an actor does not gain notoriety for winning an Oscar, he may, however, gain notoriety for hitting someone over the head with said Oscar.
#1 - Carson Kressley's new show How to Look Good Naked - Read the title of the show again. Done? Good. Now, tell me do you think this show is about making people look good when they're naked? Of course you do! It's the name of the freaking show! Do you know what it's actually about? It's about making women who don't look good naked, feel good about being naked. This pains me on two levels, first, what happened to the good looking naked people? How is this not false advertising I know I'm a lawyer but there has to be someone out there who can tell me why I can't sue 'em. Secondly, again, I know it's important for people to feel good about themselves and their bodies, but dude, seriously, there are people who shouldn't be naked or for that matter even half naked, they shouldn't even slip into something more comfortable not only for our benefit, but for theirs too. Mostly for my benefit though.
Tomorrow: CLE's part III
Anyway, on with the show.
Top Five Things That Bother Me (but should be bothering all of you as well) Today
#5 - People who ask for it - So I saw this girl the other day she was, let's call her husky, wearing a T-Shirt with the words "All Natural" imprinted front and center. Now I understand that body image is important and you have to feel comfortable in your own skin (more on this at #1), but by the same token it's also important to not be insane. Now I'll admit that I'm not the nicest guy in the world (I was an early favorite but didn't make it out of the South Carolina primaries, turns out calling the Virgin Mary, a 'Bloody Mary' (see the post below this one) doesn't win you very many evangelical votes), but I have to believe even someone with cough "generosity of spirit" would find himself thinking, "of course it's all natural, who would pay a doctor to look like that?"
#4 - Serving sizes - I am not a large man (there are about eight different jokes that seem fitting here, but we're going to pretend we're above that and ignore them, OK fine, but just one, it's not the size of the missile but the destructive capability of its thermonuclear warhead, hmm, sounded better in my head), but even I am starting to get annoyed by the snack food company's response to calorie awareness. These company's are hawking the low calorie content of their product only to list in teeny little letters on the reverse side that their candy bar is actually TWO servings and that eating it would double the caloric intake. Things that come individually wrapped are a single serving, what am i supposed to do fold up my candy bar and put it in my pocket for later? Am I supposed to start buying pants with specially lined pockets so i can keep chocolate from melting and pretzels from going stale? An apple's serving size is one apple a candy bar's serving size is one candy bar and a bag of chips' is one bag. Sorry this wasn't funny, I'm genuinely annoyed.
#3 - People who say they have temperature - You know who has temperature? EVERYONE! Even rocks have temperature. What they have, is a fever. They also have a distinct lack of comprehension when it comes to the meaning of the word temperature, but it's not a good idea to pick on someone with a fever, they may cough on you.
#2 - People who use notoriety and fame as synonyms - Notoriety is not a variation of noteworthy. It is the noun for the adjective notorious. So an actor does not gain notoriety for winning an Oscar, he may, however, gain notoriety for hitting someone over the head with said Oscar.
#1 - Carson Kressley's new show How to Look Good Naked - Read the title of the show again. Done? Good. Now, tell me do you think this show is about making people look good when they're naked? Of course you do! It's the name of the freaking show! Do you know what it's actually about? It's about making women who don't look good naked, feel good about being naked. This pains me on two levels, first, what happened to the good looking naked people? How is this not false advertising I know I'm a lawyer but there has to be someone out there who can tell me why I can't sue 'em. Secondly, again, I know it's important for people to feel good about themselves and their bodies, but dude, seriously, there are people who shouldn't be naked or for that matter even half naked, they shouldn't even slip into something more comfortable not only for our benefit, but for theirs too. Mostly for my benefit though.
Tomorrow: CLE's part III
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
