Dec 13, 2006

First Chapter

CHAPTER I
A Priest a Rabbi and a Dog Walk Into A Bar…
Thinking about it now, the smell was the worst part. It seeped up out of the ground like a noxious ghost, a last line of defense for the long since defenseless. I’d prepared myself before going there, steeled myself to see and do things that I never would have considered, not long ago. But as the pile of dirt next to me grew taller, as I stabbed my shovel deeper and deeper into the soggy, worm filled earth, the smell kept getting worse. It hung over me in the air like a mist, relentlessly attacking my nostrils, an unceasing reminder of the sins I was committing.
I kept digging.
Being afraid of death, insects and manual labor, I was rather surprised to find myself alone in a cemetery at three a.m., shovel in hand. I know it doesn’t mean much coming from me, especially not now, but I really wasn’t a bad guy. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to do it. I just thought I had to. So there I was in Beth Olom Jewish Cemetery, unearthing the decomposing body of Benny Goldstein, a forgotten comic who’d been popular on the Catskills hotel circuit during the fifties and sixties.
I’d hoped that he’d see the humor in the situation, if there was any to be found; hoped that when it came time for me to move into the neighborhood he’d have forgiven me somehow. My parents had bought themselves a husband and wife plot in Beth Olom Jewish Cemetery on their fortieth wedding anniversary, a touching, if not slightly creepy gesture. For my twenty-fifth birthday last year (“Because it never hurts to be prepared”) my mother had gone ahead and bought the plot next to hers’ and dads’. She gave it to me (a certificate of ownership, not the actual earth) along with a card that read, “Even though you’ve moved away, you’ll always end up right next to your mother.”
But at that moment, with the smell of wet earth and rotted flesh wafting up from the wound in the green expanse, nothing, not that card, not the fact that my grandfather was buried forty feet away, not even the fact like I would one day be interred here, was as unsettling as the exposed corpse of Mr. Goldstein. His wrinkled, age worn face was long gone, the combined effort of time and maggots, but his empty eyes kept staring up at me. I could hear his open mouth, screaming silent words of reproach and pleading. I looked away, ignored the rebuke and pleas caroming inside my head, grabbed the can of spray paint, shook it hard and fast, and finished my work. I walked out of the cemetery ten minutes later, dirty, exhausted, traumatized, and yet, sadly, somehow relieved.
Benny Goldstein wasn’t the last of my transgressions, he wasn’t even the worst. He was just the first. Some people might say that was the day I became a full fledged criminal. If you’re the type of guy who fancies himself a comic, you’d probably say it was the day I started law school. You’d both be wrong.[1] The truth was, it all started six days before that night in the cemetery with Mr. Goldstein and his yawning grave. It started the day I went for my forty-third interview.
[1] You’d also be the only one to think you were a comedian

Aug 3, 2006

UPDATE

My recent efforts at humor have been directed towards my new project, a book. If there is interest, I will post the first few pages on the blog site. Comment and let me know.

May 1, 2006

FINALS

Over on the 5th, tune in then for some serious ranting.

Apr 8, 2006

WHO'S YOUR DADDY?

Due to overwhelming reader request, I hereby give to you a sonnet of questionable morality. Women the line for me to be your baby's daddy starts right here.

To an Unborn Son

They tell me it will change when I have one of my own
That his cherubic face and chubby little arms
Will suck the greed straight out of me, thoroughly disarm me
And maybe that’s so; maybe love does cut to the bone.
But until I see for myself how sharing a chromosome
Can imbue this child with some inalienable charm
That will inspire me to hope and wish selflessly
For successes I’ve yet to hit on, I think I’ll hold on.

Now don’t go rushing to conclusions or psychiatrists
Telling them how you were unloved as a child
And that’s why you’re filled with malevolence
As I’m telling you now, without any pretense or guile,
No matter how much you do mean to me, I simply can't see
How I could love anyone, even my seed, as much as I do me.

Worst Thing I've Heard This Week
Girl #1 - Natalie Portman looked hot in V for Vendetta
Girl #2 - Even with the shaved head?
Girl #1 - Yeah
Dan H. - Well that must be a comforting thought; now she knows she'll still look hot even if she gets cancer.

That may be the most insensitive, politially incorrect, inconsiderate comment I've ever heard in a month, Kudos.

Apr 3, 2006

OPENING DAY MAKES MOUTHS HAPPY

In honor of the best day of the year I am going to flip the lid on you all again and give you a list to end all lists:

THE TOP 1O THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY

#10 - Hash brown/Home fries - Who knew there was so much joy to be found in a potato, well except the Irish, but honestly, they're always drunk anyway, so you can't really take their word for it.

#9 - Jack Bauer - Suspect not giving you answers, do you ask again? No. If you're Jack Bauer, you shoot his wife in the leg. Your girlfriend is accussed by a terrorist of being a collaborater, do you ask her nicely while handing her your wallet for the shoppng spree that will inevitably ensue, no, if you're Jack Bauer, YOU INTERROGATE HER.

#8 - Gummy bears - They're just so chewy and delicious. And an added bonus, if you're completely insane, you can bite their heads off and put them on each others bodies, like mismatched leggo men

#7 - Spring - Sure, I could complain about how warm weather induces people to wear less clothes, and included in people are, well, fat women, but today is a happy day, so instead of complaining about how a tube top isn't supposed to resemble a play doh cannister with the filling squeezed out, I will instead revel in the joy that is lithe 20 year old girls in Halter tops (bonus points if you know the difference between a tube top and a halter top).

#6 - Funny girls - I know what your thinking, how can something that doesn't exist make you happy? However, I am proud to say that after 25 years of investigation I am finally ready to publish the results of my reseach. I have discovered that contrary to popular opinion the Y chromosome is not the anti-funny gene we once though it was, that means. . . it is not genetically impossible for women to be funny!! That being said, it doesn't help too much either.

#5 - Reruns of TV shows and cartoons from my youth - Dude, I dont care what you say, Thunder Cats, Knight Rider, McGuyver and the A-Team rocked like a fat girl in a canoe (I am not fat phobic). Ya heard?

#4 - Napping - It's like having your wife tell you it's O.K. to sleep with other women, it feels so good, it should just be wrong on principle.

#3 - Winning - for all the losers out there, you really should try it, it's fun.

#2 - People who are so incompetent they make me look responsible - For the record, emails addressed to me that begin with the clause "I feel like an incompetent fool" make me smile. All this time I thought that in order to look like a productive, reliable law student I needed to team up with someone who was, well, a productive, reliable law student, when in reality, all I needed to do was find the one person more useless than me. SWEET.

#1 - BASEBALL - Watching it, playing it, reading about it, constructing fantasy teams.If baseball was a woman I'd impregnate her.

Mar 30, 2006

A DAY OFF FROM MISOGYNY

Due to reader request I now present you with a list from a slightly, unexpected, perspective

Top 10 Things That Would Bother Me If I Were A Woman

#10 -Yeast infections – And here I thought having a “bun in the oven” was a figurative expression

#9 - Lace underwear – Now while I can’t speak from personal experience as to whether these are comfortable or not, I have had my grandmother’s tablecloth under my elbows, and I have to say, it kinda chafed.

#8 - Underwire – A thin metallic strand wrapped tight around my chest, sounds comfy.

#7 - Low rise jeans – Butt crack and "Muffin Tops" really shouldn’t be a fashion accessory (say women).

#6 - Hillary Clinton – ‘Nuff said

#5 - Beer goggles – At least when you’re a guy you’re still somewhat satisfied to have ended up with a girl. Unfortunately, as a girl, satisfaction is unlikely due to the fact that you’re likely to end up with a reject from the casting call for the character of Screech in “Saved by the Bell, The Post, Post Graduate Years”

#4 - The fact that Derek Jeter only bats 5 times in a 3 1/2 hour baseball game – I suppose as a woman the subtle intricacies of baseball might be considered boring, however, when Derek Jeter steps to the plate and bends over, the women yelling and waving dollar bills like housewives at a strip club seem to come alive.

#3 - Nippleitis – Perhaps you’re more familiar with its other moniker, “Headlight Syndrome.” Either way, air conditioning should never be a bad thing.

#2 - The internet – I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, you were in love, he said he wouldn’t show it to anyone, you thought it would be fun. Now you’re downloaded more often than that scene from “Wild Things” with Denise Richard’s and Neve Campbell and people keep calling you Thumper.

#1 - Reunions – You were hot in high school, hot in college, now it’s 20 years later and while you are trying to keep it up, you are, sadly, now old and wrinkley, and all the people who thought throughout those years, "If only I could hit that" (I'm reasonably certain that's proper usage of that particular slang) are now thinking, “turns out I didn’t miss out on all that much after all.”

Mar 27, 2006

INDEFINITE ARTICLE, ARTICLE II

Top 10 Things That Should Be Things (continued)

6) The oxygen conservation initiative - The ecologically conscious among us propose that we stop cutting down the rainforests and burn fewer fossil fuels to preserve our atmosphere, I have a similar proposal, but one that requires much less sacrifice. Revoke the speaking privileges of idiots the world over. The sheer number of people who shouldn't ever be allowed to speak allowed would confound an MIT grad. The way I see it, if we eliminate speech from the realm of options for these sorry folk, oxygen will never be a concern again. Now go forth and buy SUV's

7) The 10 minutes isn't late rule – Really it's so close, lets just call it the "You mean its not 9 O'clock right NOW!?" rule.

8) The 3 second takeback - Here's a dramatic demonstration: "Can you please stop talking, I'm trying to watch TV" 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississi - whooooa, I'm sorry baby, you know I didn't mean that, come here, tell me all about your day. One caveat, you need to activate the takeback before the "I know you didn't just say that to me" face, becomes the "Someone is going to be sleeping on the couch/taking me shopping" face (in case you're wondering, it's all in the lip snarl).

9) Dibs - I understand dibs is an old concept and has been around for a while, but what I am proposing is that we extend it to EVEYTHING. Girls, jobs, cars, girls. A simple first to see, first to be served, framework. You see someone's girlfriend, she's yours, if he starts yelling, you simply say, dude, I called dibs, then just watch him walk away.

10) Elevator expulsion - People need to learn to wait in line. If you've been waiting for the elevtor patiently, and Sneaky McThere's-A-Line?, all of a sudden zips past you into the nearly full elevator as the doors part, then you need to be able to grab said person by the hair, point out the fact that there is a line and then throw him from the elevator. In a perfect world you'd be able to do this from a trapdoor inside a moving elevator, at say the 11th floor, but unfortunately my reign over the world has yet to be fully acknowledged.

Coming next time: Top 10 Things That Would Bother Me If I Were A Woman

Mar 15, 2006

INDEFINITE ARTICLE, ARTICLE

Sometimes you find yourself in a position where you feel like there should be a rule or a law or court order to prevent what is going on from going on, I am here to rectify that by providing you with a list of Things, that should be real things, things you can call out and be able to move on without issue. So here they are:

Top 10 Things That Should Be Things

#1 - The first date lemon law - If after 15 minutes you realize that your date is more likely to end up on a "least wanted" poster than on a second date with you, you should have the right to invoke "the lemon law" whereby you simply tell your date, I'm sorry, but you're a lemon, this date is over, here's the bill for your half of the gas money.

#2 - The funeral rejection explanation - All those whom you asked out in life, and who similarly rebuffed your advances, should, at your funeral, be forced to stand on the dais and explain, in detail, why it is that they refused to go out with you, right after the sparkling eulogies of course.

#3 - The mitigating circumstances rule - When caught not doing something that you very well know you should have done and under normal circumstances would have done but for, mitigating circumstances, for example, I know missing your birthday was a big deal and a huge mistake and normally you would get very mad at me and be totally justified in doing so, BUT, mitigtating circumstances, i.e. it was the same day as the Final 4 (that's college basketball for the women out there).

#4 - The automated response - Fast answeres to often asked questions, simply hold up some digits and avoid losing focus on Gilmore Girls. Here are the designations:
1 finger for - No, you don't look fat in that 2 - Yes, I like your haircut. 3 - Whatever you make for dinner is fine. 4 - My day was fine 5 - No, I'm not cheating on you, I don't even know how her number got in my phone.
Not to be mysoginistic (at the moment) here are the 5 automated responses for women:
1 - Yes, I saw that play, it was a very good hit, do they get a touchdown? 2 - I'll be ready in 5 minutes 3 - If you didn't want eggplant salad for dinner, you should have said so when I asked! 4 - Second shelf on the left hand side, behind the mayonaise 5 - No, I'm not cheating on you, I have no idea how his number got in my phone.

# 5- The Sunday veto - No work should ever be done on Sunday. As such when work is assigned that will require effort, real, significant, effort, being put into it on a Sunday, one should be allowed to make that buzzing sound people make when someone gets an answer wrong, (you know what I'm talking about and if not, you aren't judgemental enough) and with pleasure say, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to veto that assignment.

Tune in next time for Things 6 - 10 (I know, I'm evil like that)

Mar 8, 2006

THURSDAYS ARE FOR INTROSPECTION

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE UNDER-EVOLVED PART OF MY BRAIN THAT ENJOYS WATCHING "GILMORE GIRLS"

Dear Brain,
We've been together for quite a while now, you and I, and I thought that, given our history, our deep and abiding connection, our mutual hatred of, well, most everything, that I could count on you to never betray me. Unfortunately, this seems not to be the case. Instead of following the strict guy code of never watching a TV show with the words "girls" or "women" in the title, you have unilaterally decided to find watching "Gilmore Girls" enjoyable, GILMORE GIRLS! It's right there in the title ,for God sakes, brain, "GIRLS."
Sure I know what you'll say, that the characters are both believable and lovable, that you find Lauren Graham so enrapturing that you aren't sure if you want her to date us or adopt us, that the overlapping dialogue and witty reparte is reminiscent of the early Aaron Sorkin years of "West Wing" which we so loved. That two rather hot chicks in one show, a show that already features stimulating dialogue, is more than a man has a right to ask for, perhaps even going so far as to point out the dearth of attractive women on Sports Night (Felicity Huffman?) and West Wing (Does Allison Janney even count as a woman, or does she violate the maximum height allowance?). Maybe you might even try to say that having the two aforementioned hot chicks being mother and daughter satisfies some, as of yet, undiscovered male fantasy of ours. Yet while all of that may in fact be true (not that I'm admitting to the mother daughter fantasy mind you)I feel like you're missing the point, IT HAS "GIRLS" IN THE TITLE.
So I ask you, brain, please, in the name of all that good and masculine, end this obssession with the girls Gilmore. If you do maybe I might even give you a treat, like eating fish more often (get it, brain food) or playing scrabble once in a while.

Sincerely,

If I Ran The World

P.S. - Thanks for the help with that mock trial

Mar 7, 2006

THE SECRET LIVES OF ORTHAPEDISTS

Before I begin I'd like to point out that there's a post directly below this one which most of you have not read, so you know, read it and defend me.

So I saw the doctor yesterday, and after he twisted my knee in various unnatural directions resulting in some rather unmanly screeching, he asked me if it hurt. This led me to two consclusions, one, doctors are sadists and two, my doctor doesn't think much of my masculinity. Thankfully though, instead of telling me that my knee was just sore, and that it will go away on it's own, so stop whining you huge girl, He told me that I have tendonitis (how cool?) and that it will go away on it's own so stop whining you huge girl. See it's that kind of bedside manner that can make all the difference in making a complete recovery. But I digress.
As I was sitting in the waiting room it occurred to me that there are an awful lot of idioms, aphorism and common sayings in our everyday use that are without question just flat out odd, and after come careful thought I decided to make a list of these and here is what I've come up with.

Top 10 English Idioms That Make No Sense

#10 - Can't have your cake and eat it too - Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be difficult to eat cake you didn't have? Unless of course you're crazy, but even then, I can't imagine it being very satisfying.

#9 - Don't look a gift horse in the mouth - I can't speak for you but I know that I always get insulted whenever I give people a horse for their birthday and then they go and look at its mouth. Makes me wish I'd gotten them a card instead.

#8 - Back to square one - So when your idea at work turns out to be complete and utter crap the result is that you get demoted to playing hopscotch? Hmm maybe that does make some sense.

#7 - Don't mean to toot my own horn - Was there alot of horn tooting going on at some point in history? Did people win an argument then whip out their horn and start tooting? And even if this was the case, does this mean tooting your own horn is bad, but it's ok to toot someone else's horn? because if so, that just seems rather unsanitary, what with the spit and all, people put their mouths on those things.

#6 - Keep your nose to the grindstone - Seriously has anyone even seen a grindstone in their entire life? and if you have, does it really seem like the place for soft cartilaginous facial tissue?

#5 - Til the cows come home - Yeah, I remember back in '88 when the FBI was just befuddled by the sudden spate of runaway cows, apparently they had an argument with their parents about dating particular bulls and they just took off. The FBI vowed it wouldn't stop searching till. . . that's right, the cows came home.

#4 - Straight from the horse's mouth - So now we measure the veracity of a statement by whether or not its source was equine in nature? Not to say it's a bad idea, but somehow I think we might be better off asking the psychic hotline. As a side note, what's up with our horsemouth fascination?

#3 - There's more than one way to skin a cat - You actually need me to point out that this is just odd? Honestly are there really people out there skinning cats? Is there a cat skin demand that I'm unaware of? And more to the point, is this demand so great that we've actually devised multiple methodologies for flaying the said felines?

#2 - The pot calling the kettle black - I'm sorry, is the pot saying that the kettle is obssessed with rims? Because that really don't seem like something a kettle should be criticized for, especially the rims thing, they're both made out chrome, it's a natural attraction.

#1 - The truth will set you free - Was this meant to be ironic? Or was it a subtle form of misdirection propogated by women to ruin the lives of men? Any man who has ever dated any girl can tell you that the only things the truth will set you up for are: nagging, shopping and dumping (oh I get it, set you free, you women are cruel).

Mar 5, 2006

EXPRESSIONISM

As I write this post I'm sitting in my room in NY on vacation with and ice pack on my left knee and a heat pack on right shoulder (I'm not sure if heat or cold is the proper approach and I've seen people do both on TV, so I figure at least this way I've got a 50/50 shot). You might naturally ask yourself, "were you in an accident?" "Did you hurt yourself playing ball?" and be perfectly justified doing so. Unfortunately, while both of these are valid questions, and I'd love to say that they were in fact the cause of my current infirmity, neither are true. It would seem that I, at the ripe old age of 25, am now beginning the long and not so slow descent into old age and fragility, the point in life where going to sleep becomes a dangerous activity that could result in a hospital visit and an MRI. So if there is anyone else out there suffering from the cruel ravages of time, but is younger than I am, please comment and tell me how much your life sucks, it'll make me smile as I go into the MRI.
Now to quiet the maddening crowd:

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#1 - People who say "no pun intended" - First off, it's a lie, you wanted to make a joke, wanted to have people laugh at your wordplay, unfortunately, you resorted to the pun, the lowest form of all humor, and as such needed to point out the fact that you even made a joke. Secondly, it's a bad lie. It's like when you ask a girl out and she starts laughing at you and you try to cover by going " yea I know pretty funny joke huh?" (before making the obligatory, "has that happened to you comment?" please note I used "you" as an example). The only people who ever say "no pun intended" are those who are overcome with the desperate urge to make a joke, but are tragically limited comedically. Now while you might have some pity on these poor souls, thinking of them as handicapped in a sense. I urge you not to cave into pity here. These people aren't simply unknowng children trying to impress their parents, these are people who are aware of their comedic limitations. However, instead of simply acknowledging those shortcomings and becoming accountants, they've chosen to attempt jokes anyway. Shame on you all. Now go do my taxes!

#2 - People who go to Harvard - Not much to say here, but I'm thinking that if we all focus our hatred in the direction of the attendees, and really, unless you go to Harvard, shouldn't you hate them, maybe we can bury them under a mound of pink slime, kind of like the underground river of hate in Ghostbusters II .

#3 - The hats men in they navy wear - http://www.guardcloset.com/PHOTOS/600247.jpg - Seriously, these are our armed services, the people who are entrusted with protecting us, charged with a single duty, intimidate the crap out of the bad guys. And to accomplish this goal we dress them lke 4 year olds? Is there anything intimating about a hat that looks like it was designed by one of the gay rejects from Project Runway, I know what you're thinking "aren't they all gay?" and the answer is, yes, but I've got to give Heidi Klum credit for turning at least one guy straight. . . and all they girls gay.

#4 - Making people smarter and prettier in death - So this rather plain looking, chunky, hispanic woman was raped and murdered at some point last week. Now while her death of course saddens me (whatever, I have to at least pretend, the FBI might read this at somepoint and I think I fit the psychological profile for a sociopath a bit too well as is) what troubles me is that at least 3 different newspapers ran her picture on the cover with a heading including the word "beautiful." Now I know they saw her face before printing this, so my question is this; why is it that when peope die we feel the need to make them out to be things they never were? Ms. I-Was-Raped-And-Am-Now-Dead, was probably good at something, maybe darts. . . or parcheesi, so why not put that on the cover next to her picture instead ofa blatant lie which will only cause thousands of people (Ok, so maybe just me) to mock the dead. I think a headline like this would have worked perfectly, "PLAIN LOOKING, CHUNKY, HISPANIC GIRL WHO BY THE WAY ROCKED THE HOUSE AT PARCHEESI, WAS RAPED AND KILLED TODAY" What do you think?

#5 - Random hot women who stand on the stage at the Oscars - Ok, before you start yelling at me, or you know, typing in caps, I am all for getting as many hot women on TV as possible, but it seems that these women's (that's a weird grammatical construction right there) sole purpose is to navigate the winners from their seats to the stage and from the stage to well, off the stage. On this I have two gripes, one, REALLY!? You want women giving directions? and two, IT'S A BIG FREAKING MICROPHONE! ON AN EMPTY STAGE! HOW FREAKING HARD CAN IT BE TO GET THERE ON YOUR OWN!? (that, by the way, was me yelling).

Pandering to Perverts will be relpaced today with "Question of the Day" however, in the future, Question of the Day" will replace Who I Like Today. If this seems confusing, it is, but really I needed to give some serious "props" to Jack Nicholson so:

Who I Like Today and I Don't Mean The Inventor of The Acceptance Speech
Jack Nicholson - The dude is like 80 and he's sitting in the front row at the Oscars next to, wait for it. . . Kiera Knightley. It's just, she's soooo hot.

The Reason is Because
"A decision that they probably rightly or wrongly made" - Butch Davis Former NFL and College head coach
The head coach is supposed to be the smart one right? Well at least now we know why the title head coach is now preceded by the word "former," on the bright side for Butch , at least he is guaranteed to be right.

Question of the Day
How do homeless people date? It's not like they can do dinner and a movie, unless, of course, there's a 7:00 showing of King Kong at the dumpster behind the Chinese restaurant. I know, King Kong is old, but hey, they're homeless. You know the expression beggars can't be choosers? This is the situation it was created for.

SPRING BREAK REWARD

NEW POSTS ALL WEEK STARTING TOMORROW

Feb 22, 2006

NEW POST

Up at 9, unless well, anything remotely interesting presents itself.

Feb 15, 2006

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Top 9 Reasons To Hate Valentine's Day (It's more than 5 so shut up!)

#9 - Red Underwear - Useless 364 days a year

#8 - Have you seen how many cards a Hallmark has? It's like being a blind guy at a lineup, you gotta pick someone, and you're almost sure it's going to be the wrong one.

#7 - The last minute date - It's February 13th the clocks ticking and you're still without a date. Suddenly the phone rings and you think you're safe, until you realize it's the midget with the humpback, harelip and one leg significantly longer calling to asks if you have plans> It's at this moment that you realize a sobering truth, if you want a date on Valentine's Day, you're going to have to accept Quasimodo's proposal and try not to pass out when the soup spills out his/her harelip at dinner.

#6 - The Importance of Being Earnest - you have to be sincere on Valentine's Day, and really, what if you're just starting a relationship, or worse, you haven't worked all the kinks out of your sincere and heartfelt voice, "I love you as much as I love baseball" might get taken the wrong way. It's just asking for a walkout.

#5 - The Walkout - A date walking out on you mid-dinner is bad, but when it's a Valentine's day dinner, odds are she isn't walking away from fried chicken with a side of slaw, (unless of course you're from Alabama, but then that really isn't too big a deal anyway, it's not like you won't have a chance to get even with your sister) and now you're faced with an unsolveable dilemma, pay the bill, leave the food uneaten and get the girl or, pay the bill, ask them to wrap dinner up, and find her 15 minutes later at your car door shivering and glaring at the doggie bag in your hand.

#4 - Valentine's Day Precedence - You think you're being good, think you're being nice, think you're being a wonderful boyfriend, remembering to buy a gift for your near manic girlfriend and then you find out about the precedence, apparently, Valentine's Day comes third in important day of the dating year heirarchy, after Anniversary and Birthday, so while Jerusalem may be quite the coup, they want Mecca and Medina too. That being said, when those other "special" days rear their ugly head, don't think she's forgotten what you got her for V-day, no, she's got it written down somewhere, and now you, you poor sap, have to top it. . . TWICE!

#3 - The Wife v. Girlfriend Dilemma - There's only one Valentine's Day a year, who gets it? Your wife, the mother of your children, the woman you love or your girlfriend, the woman with only one chin and a waistline the size of your wifes anklet.

#2 - Avoiding the Birthday - You think you're sitting pretty, you've just started dating a guy/girl, his/her birthday isnt till August, you've got a 6 month window before you need to make a decision as to whether or not he/she is worth a bigtime present, then comes Valentine's Day smacking your cheap self upside the head like a guy who tells Gib's he doesn't own a measuring cup.

#1 - Bad Poetry - Oh for the love of all that is good holy, please, please, pleeeeease, enough with the rhyming, really, it's not like Valentine's Day is sponsored by Dr. Suess. "It is not good, in fact it's bad, its worse than prose, really, it's quite sad."

Feb 14, 2006

RIGHTIES DON'T HOLD IT WITH THEIR LEFT HAND

There has been some backlash over the decreasing frequency with which my posts are being published. That is to say, you guys can't get enough of me. So much like a stalker both loves and hates the subject of their adoration, the anonymous posters on my site are both drawn to me and irritated by my lack of attention shown to them. Now, while I would like to have you guys committed to the nearest mental institute, I'm afraid the best I can do is post more, but if you really do love me, you'll at least lock yourself in a closet or something.

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 The two handed wave – The two handed wave should be limited to people trying to hail down the cab driving away with their luggage and those guys with the ear muffs and light sabers who direct planes. This wave is the ultimate in hubris. The only people who have the gall to try and pull this off are President’s, celebrities, and sports stars. It is the body gesture that announces to the world, “I know you love me, in fact, you love me so much, I must raise both my arms just to acknowledge and accept your limitless adoration.” While I can sympathize with the select few who are burdened with the affection ofSo masses, I cannot in good conscience (I’m just using this as an expression, it’s not like I have an actual conscience, well I do, but she’s only part time), forgive this violation of acceptable social gestures. If you want to wave with two hands go to Yankee Stadium and take part in the, aptly named, “Wave”, otherwise, for God’s sake keep one arm down it’s not like you’re getting mugged.

#2 - The Impotent Water Fountain – Never before has drinking required a condom. The lengths one is required to go to in order to swallow some pathetic amount of liquid are so extreme as to constitute a violation of public decency laws. Those disgustingly lovey newly minted couples who seem to think that the lips of their significant other are covered in some sort of life extending lip gloss perform fewer bile inducing acts of PDA (that’s public displays of affection for those of you who haven’t been introduced to the acronym) in a week than you do in 30 seconds of trying to suck the water out of the fountain with low motility. On the bright side, at least you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.

#3 - People who fall asleep at my Super Bowl party – So I threw a Super Bowl party last week and I know what you’re thinking, “I wasn’t invited?” So let me just say this and nip any problems in the bud, No, you weren’t invited. But more to the point those that did show up were soon divesting themselves of the constricting coil of consciousness, choosing to watch the interior of the eyelids over the game. Not to wax Shakespearian, but the question I pose to you is this, as a party thrower, am I supposed to be scheduling nap time? Is there a guidebook I can pick up somewhere entitled “What to do When 6 of the 97 Million People Watching the Super Bowl Fall Asleep and They Are All at Your Party?” Or should I just send their parents a bill for babysitting?

#4 - Valentine’s Day – While I will have an expanded Top 10 Reasons I Hate Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I would like to give a brief summary of why Valentine’s Day blows like a pro bono hooker (if you don’t know what pro bono means, then well, you’re an idiot). The way I see it Valentine’s Day sucks whether you have a date or not. For those who do not, you are forced to spend an entire weekend contemplating exactly why it is you are dateless and convince yourself, this fact aside, that you are not a social leper. If, however, you do have a date, then you are now faced with an equally distasteful reality. You are one of the people whose mere existence makes me want to puke so badly I eat extra meals in advance of thinking about you, just to make sure the explosive discharge that will soon follow suits the antipathy I hold you in. like I said, lose lose.

#5 - Catty Girls (at least when it doesn’t end up in some sort of disrobed wrestling situation) – It has recently been pointed out to me that there are girls out there who find the very concept of another girl being, and I believe this is the technical term, hot or even worse, well dressed, so intimidating that instinct takes over any and all higher brain functions. The result is that this herd of sweatpants wearing, makeup needing, misanthropes is left trying to convert what few holdouts are left, like traveling Je hova’s Witnesses, only you know, in sweatpants. I just want to ask you this, why are you trying to take away one of the few things left that make me happy? Did I do something to you? Have I been mean to fat unattractive girls in sweatpants recently?

Droppin Some Knowledge
When peeing in a moving vehicle one is faced with the dilemma of maintaing balance and maintaing aim. As such, the makers of these mini-lavatories have seen fit to provide a handle on the right hand wall with which to maintain said balance. While it may appear logical to grip said handle with your right hand and grip, well, something else with the left, in actuality, the percentage of stream shot into the clown's mouth is far higher when the left-handed cross grip is employed.

Who I Like Today and I Don't Mean Stalkers
Sports Illustrated - Thank you SI for understanding that women on beaches in very small swimsuits has alot to do with sports. Also, I love the articles. . . they have articles right?

I HAVE THE POWER

Lost my power cord, but now I have it back, posts aplenty as soon as class is over. Time to get psyched.

Feb 1, 2006

RETURN OF THE KING

Ok, so I lied to you, but I think it's important to keep in mind it's not like those lies your parents told you, like you're special or attractive, leading you to spend your life in a constant state of disappointment, never getting what you think you deserve (but actually don't). In fact thanks to me there are people walking around knowing exactly how non-special and unattractive they are. So keep that in mind before keep you harping on about me not posting when I said I would. Also as a sidenote, I was born lazy, it's not like I can do anything about it. Now onto the show.

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – Old people who start conversations with strangers - Much like baby stories are the worst to repeatedly hear, the old people who start up conversations with you are the worst of the random conversation starters. While Taxi drivers and people in elevators will generally limit their random conversations to the weather and the best type of car air freshener, old people will actually ask you annoying personal questions and expect a thoughful and considered answer. Even worse, you can't be sarcastic to old people, for starters, so many of their brain cells have passed on that they don't even notice the corn sticking to their face, let alone conversational subtleties. More importantly if by some miracle they managed to conserve a small measure of awareness into their dottery and catch the gist of your biting sarcasm, there is overwhelming chance that they could die in the immediate future. So there you go, you just made fun of a dead guy, you are now almost obligated to go to thE funeral, and THAT'S really just going to ruin your day. . . those things last for FOREVER!

#2 – People who don’t know when to give up a lie - I personally have never told a lie (please ignore above admission to said lie). However, from what I've observed of this admirable, I mean disgusting, habit in others, the general lying concept can be summarized in the immortal words of Kenny Rogers "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." The key to maintaining the long term viability of your future lies is to never become so tied to your lie that you can't admit, even when faced with incontrovertible evidence, that you're full of crap. The overly dedicated or stubborn liars think that holding this untennable position somehow makes their lie more belivable, e.g. "Wasn't Me" Shaggy, what happens in reality is that you are now doing two things, lying, and insulting the intelligence of your listener. So in short, once you've been caugh. . . be honest, oh and play poker with me, please.

#3 – Being outside the 18-24 marketing range - I would like to preface this by pointing out that I am 25 and very athletic, well I watch alot of athletics, but, sometimes before watching television I walk over to the TV itself to turn it on, so clearly, I'm in good shape. Anyway, not too long ago I took a survey, and at the end of this waste of time there was a question asking how old the survey taker was, and this being a survey, it provided a choice of age ranges, it looked something like this:
10 - 17
18 - 24
25 - 40
40 - dead
According this insulting ageist propoganda my interests lie more with Allan Greenspan than Allan Iverson, HMO's over MTV and Julia Childs over Julia Roberts (and she's OLD!). Even worse, according to this survey, I'm one step away from death, DEATH! Another scare like that and I may just need "Depends."

#4 – Hard workers - As someone who can see his mortal end just over the proverbial horizon, I have decided to spend what little time I have left on this Earth as constructively as I can, by watching TV and and napping. Unfortunately, there are those among us who despite the risks to their health and overall TV knowledge have chosen to depart from this health conscious course, take their lives into their hands, and do actual work. WORK! It's bad enough that these devil may care, risk takers blantantly flout sound medical advice and flaunt their stupidity in public, but now teachers and employers expect the rest of us sane people to go around taking these crazy health risks; giving out HW and not providing naptime in addition to a lunch break. Do the hard workers even know about "24?"

#5 – People who work out - It has been pointed out to me that if I am going to complain about guys who spend 80% of their lives in the gym, I am not supposed to enjoy women who do the same. As such I am now putting an official moratorium on anyone making gym appearances more than twice a week. So to all the meatheads with marbles for testicles, all the gym bunnies with abs that more closely resemble a togographical map than a stomach and the fatties who think running on a treadmill 6 days a week will compensate for swallowing small animals in a single bite, if you feel the need to turn your body into an advertisement for "Health and Fitness Magazine" for God's sake, just eat less!

Pandering to Perverts
Marble sized testicles

Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Matt Hassleback
The Pittsburgh Steelers - money, money, money, mooooney. . . moooooooney. Betting's legal right?

The Reason Is Because
I know i havent posted in quite a while, but honestly, I'm watching 24, and nothing anyone said pops up as stupid at the moment. Sorry.

Jan 29, 2006

SHAME AND THE SINGLE GUY

This post is kind of long so, here it is:

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#1 - Getting an embarrassingly girly song stuck in your head – You know it’s happened to you before, you’re in CVS trying to decide between chunky monkey, and cinnamon and oatmeal chunk ice cream when before you know it bam, you’re singing along to Britney Spears, the words pouring out of your mouth like a P.O.W. trying to avoid a cavity search. You try to hide it after, pretend you didn’t just spill state secrets to protect your sphincter, but the fact remains you just said the words, “but all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, stay with you day and night, baby all I need is time.” and an entire store full of people heard it.

#2 - The word February – Feb-RU-ary? – What the hell is up with that first “r” it’s not like it serves any purpose, there isn’t a person alive who pronounces it. I’m convinced it’s just one of those inventions made up for those anal retentive, compulsively judgmental, speech obsessed, ninnies who enjoy pointing out other people’s flaws for no reason other than it gives them pleasure to see the look in said people’s faces when they realize that they are, in fact, morons. Hmmm, on second thought, never mind.

#3 - Peeing in moving vehicles – This one goes out to the guys who’ve ridden on busses or planes and been forced to balance in the bathroom with one hand while they aim with the other, trying desperately to keep the umm “spray,” dead center. It’s like that amusement park dollar game where you have to shoot the water into the clown’s mouth, only when you’re doing that you aren’t riding a rollercoaster.

#4 - Ear Buds – Exactly what is the philosophy behind the ear buds? Were they supposed to be gravity resistant? Is that why no one seems to have taken into account the fact that unless your aural cavity is the size of one of Patrick Ewing’s nostrils (http://members.aol.com/woopanice/EWING.HTM) or you’re one of those people who carry 10 liter jugs around on your head (http://www.ifad.org/photo/region/PI/IN.htm#), you’ll spend approximately 85% of your music listening time trying to find the lone head angle that will allow you to keep both those nefarious Q-tip wannabee’s in your ear? And then, of course, when you do find it, your phone rings.

#5 - People who tell baby stories over and over again – There are people who tell the same stories over and over and then there are people who tell you the same baby stories over and over, the difference? At least with the random story there is some small chance, however improbable the possibility, that you will find it interesting. On the other hand with the oft repeated baby story we have entered the realm of the improbable impossibility. No one, and by “no one” I mean everyone but baby obsessed women, has any interest in what your child, niece or nephew has done, it isn’t cute, it isn’t special, it’s just annoying and the reason is simple, nobody really cares about your baby.
Author’s Note: To those people I know who have babies…hmmm there really is no way to save this one is there?


Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean My Mother
God. I'd like to give a shoutout to the man upstairs for creating sleep. In short, sleeps rocks like Sean Connery on Red Rull. And (for all would be you grammarians out there, you can start a sentence with "and"), in a show of respect for this blessing onto man, I gorged myself on sleep this weekend, I slept until I could sleep no more... and then I napped.

Question Of The Day
Why do mothers refer to boxers as underpants?

Question Within a Question Of The Day
Is "underpants" still even a word in usage, or has it gone the way of skivvies remaining the property of pirates and and women who wish nothing but shame on their children?

The Reason Is Because
"It was a one day sale, maam, Friday and Saturday only." - Bloomingdale's sales woman
Well at least we're not wasting America's great minds working retail at Bloomindales.

Jan 25, 2006

I'M BAAAAAAACK

The wait is over my friends. After 2 hearings, a certification paper memo, two papers, a return trip to the Chinese restaurant to pick up my forgotten knapsack and a well deserved nap, I have returned to you. I want you all to know that wasting my time being so productive during these past few days has never made me sadder and I am glad to report that I plan on doing no constructive work in the near future. With that said, onto my raison de etre, for those of you not versed in the language of intellectual snobs, that’s, “reason for being.” (one side note, it’s also an awesome beer).

Top 5 Things That Bothered Me This Week

#1 - Alarms – You know why I hate alarms, because they never signify anything good. Never. Think about it, have you ever set an alarm to remind you to take a nap? No. To go home from work? Don’t think so. The only reason people set alarms is to remind them to do things that they reeeeally don’t want to do. It’s like a conscience reminding you it’s not nice to make fun of the tongue size of the mentally challenged. You kind of knew it was wrong but until you got that left brain hip check from your better angels you were busy trying to think of what words rhyme with drool.

#2 - Getting ripped off by Jay Mohr – It’s one thing to have minor comic celebrity (he was in “Jerry Maguire” and umm, well he was in “Jerry Maguire”) rip off your material, but it’s a whole other thing when he steals my jokes and makes them less funny. Really this man is supposed to be a professional, least he could have done was call me for advice. To compare the two works follow these links:
http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2005/12/im-not-racist-but.html - numbers 1 and 5 respectively
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/jay_mohr/01/24/mohr.sports/index.html

#3 - People who answer token questions – Someone please update these people, just because I say “Hey, how are you?” When we get stuck together in an elevator after not seeing or speaking to you in 4 and a half months, doesn’t mean I have any interest in an actual answer. It is not an invitation for you to tell me just how sad and pathetic your life has become, will be, or continues to be. So I am going to say this once in the hopes that the rules can spread before I have to be in an elevator again. Here, for the record, are the acceptable answers to the token, “Hey. How are you?”
a) Good, yourself?
b) No complaints
c) Same old
d) You really don’t have to talk to me just because we got stuck in an elevator together, if you want we can just be quiet and stare at the floor counter until we get out.
I’ll personally be rooting for (d), but I’ll settle for any of the above.

#4- Girls who ask guys if they think another guy is cute – Let me put this is as simply as I can because I know your what a struggle it is for you to comprehend that there are people on this world who don’t want to discuss how just hot the guy from Securities Regulation class is. We know men can be good looking, (try not to pass out from the shock of this admission) but you know what? We’re still not going to answer, you know why. BECAUSE IT’S GAY! Also I hate to be the bearer of bad news (wow, was that a load of crap or what?) but if you’re a reasonably attractive girl asking this question, the answer will always be “no,” the reason being, all guys, everywhere, want all attractive girls for themselves. It’s an impossible task but we’re nothing if not ambitious.

#5 - People who say something too stupid insult – Sometimes, you hear something so singularly random and odd that what appears to be a perfect opportunity to humiliate actually becomes an instance of personal and professional pain. “My boyfriend has no sense of smell, but he eats tons.” I heard these words at lunch today and my brain literally overloaded. It’s like one of those science fiction movies where the good guys give the evil robot a math problem that has 1 + 1 = 0 and the robot starts smoking and muttering “does not compute” over and over until the building starts to collapse and the heroes run out right before the big explosion, only there were no robots, no explosions, and no math problems, just me muttering "does not compute," and a fat guy who can’t smell his own farts.

Pandering to Perverts
Girls in mens clothing – I’m going for the indecisive pervert audience today

Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean My Clients
Whoever can answer this question for me – From which set of genitalia does a hermaphrodite pee? I will accept guess and logical arguments

The Reason Is Because

“We are the fattest nation in the country” – Me
It should probably be noted that me talking before my nap is generally inadvisable, but let no man say I am not willing to make fun of myself. As for what women say, well… actually, I think I’ve satisfied my stupid comment quota for the day, so, I care about what women say, really, I do.

Jan 23, 2006

GUILT

I have hearings the next two days and so I have decided that in the interests of not getting sued by my clients, I will be refraining from posting until a later, but as yet, undetermined date.
Me

Jan 22, 2006

SOCKS AND THE BERMUDA TRIANGLE

Welcome back from my self imposed long weekend. I feel that every so often, in order for the creative juices society calls "hatred" to be refreshed, I must take a few days off from venting and allow the pressure to build. Having thus, satisfied this recuperative requirement I am ready to provide you with my bitterness.

A few words of introduction:
Every now and then I come across an activity I find so utterly confounding that I find the need to devote an entire day's post to understand its' absurdity, that activity is, today, LAUNDRY. So here they are:

Top 5 Things That Bother Me About Laundry

#1 - Fading – Ok, so I get that the more you wash something, the more the color will fade, that makes sense to me, there are dyes in the material that get washed out with each successive treatment. What I don’t understand, what keeps from trusting that the Maytag repairman is the kindly old soul the commercials make him out to be is that my already white undershirts, somehow come out less white after being washed. White is the absence of color, the ABSENCE of color, so shouldn’t a faded white shirt be even whiter than when it started. I’m just saying it's illogical, AND IT BOTHERS ME!

#2 - Missing socks – I know, I know everyone has commented on the disappearing sock but what I didn’t realize until I actually did my laundry, and by “did” I mean stood in the room and watched while someone else did it for me, is that it’s actually true; socks really do just vanish! How is this not a matter of national security? If socks can just magically escape from the confines of a washing machine how can we ever consider ourselves truly safe from terrorism? We need to have scientists, men with protractors and a deep and comprehensive understanding of the unified string theory working on this problem. In the meantime, I’m looking for a gray and green argyle sock.

#3 - Folding – The deceptive nature of laundry is that while you may have finished washing and drying the clothes themselves the work for you is not done. No, because now that hot and toasty fresh load has to be folded. This situation is much akin to climbing Everest, thinking you’ve reached the summit, congratulating yourself on overcoming hypothermia, oxygen deprivation, and common sense, only to find that you still have another 500 feet left to go. It’s even worse when you get abandoned by your sherpa at the faux peak and have to actually do the folding yourself instead of, you know, watching someone else do it.

#4 - The dryer cycle lasts longer than washer’s – It’s 12:30 am your ready for bed and your load of wash is done, you want to just throw it into the dryer and go relax, but no, you still have to wait another 20 minutes until the dryer is done with the previous load. Argh! This ranks right up there with 12 hot dogs to a package and 8 buns to a bag, Paris Hilton and television, and those two chemicals you had to mix to make an explosive from “Die Hard 3” as perhaps the worst conceived combination in the history of man.

#5 - Those stupid tags – First of all, what’s the story with the laundering instruction tags that don’t even deign to use words, when did being an expert in hieroglyphics become a prerequisite to washing underwear? But more importantly, do those instructions actually mean anything? If I wash my boxers (thus ends the boxers or briefs mystery) in warm water instead of cold are they going to cease functioning? Are they going to change colors or take the vanishing sock escape route and disappear? And if not, why have them, to justify all those buttons on the washing machine?

Jan 18, 2006

LUCIFER, THE SOUL CRUSHING DEMON

With the advent of the undergraduate semester it has occured to me, LUCIFER, THE SOUL CRUSHING DEMON (copyright by Gibs 2006), that there will be readers who are completely new to this blog. If that is indeed the case for you I suggest you click these links to familiarize yourself with the sections within each days column. http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2005/12/let-there-be-sarcasm.html and http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2006/01/value-of-teenage-cheerleaders.html. With those links, and a healthy understanding of hatred, you should be well equipped to enjoy my blog. So without anymore dilly dallying (I must have been English in another life), here's today's top 5:

Top 5 (would be top 10 but that'd just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today

#1 - High School Girls - (As per request, read comments to yestedays post) Ok, so I don't really know much about high school girls, and what I did know is probably no longer true, however, I have in recent weeks seen commercials for "The O.C." and "Smallville" so I can tell you that high school girls are petty snobs who are only willing to date superheros or men who are dating their sister while they are home from some sort of private school where hot girls congregate.

#2 - Wind - As I've discussed in the past, I hate rain, rain blows like a pornstar, but while rain does suck, I can deal with it. What I cannot stand, however, is rain with wind. I honestly do not think that God ever meant for rain to fall sideways, it goes it against nature. Wind, you are an abomination to God's plan. But seriously, someone needs to explain to me how it is that wind can blow at 30 mph in one direction, then magically be blowing harder from the other side. I mean it changes direction faster than Anne Heche switches sexual orientation (if you don't know who Anne Heche is, take my word on these two points; one, it's a good joke, and two, you don't watch enough E!).

#3 - People who don't think "Rocky" is awesome - (cue Rocky theme music) Whoever cannot understand the sheer awesomeness with which "Rocky" rocks is oblivious to the notions of both awesomeness and rocking. "Rocky", for those of you with basic SAT skills, is to awesomeness as Tara Reid is to drunken slut, in other words the two are inseparable. Plus that Starbuck's commercial where they sing to the "Eye of the Tiger" is freaking, that's right folks, AWEEEESOME!

#4 - V-neck undershirts - Aside from the increased odds of the notorious "neck hair" making an unwelcome appearance, I find the V-neck to be a bit more chilly than their round necked bretheren. That's pretty much all I have to say on this matter.

#5 - Crying - Contrary to popular perception there really is no acceptable gender for crying. Let me run it down for you; if you are a guy, well, the day you cry at anything other than a close relatives funeral, your best fantasy baseball player tearing his ACL, or getting kicked in the twig and berries, pretty much marks the last day you get to call yourself a man; and if you're a girl, then crying is just another form of evil mind control which needs to be stomped out like so much whatever.

Pandering To Perverts
"High school girls sucking"- I just make myself smile sometimes

Who I like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin (I know I've used him before but I really do like him)
No one. It rained I got wet, everyone sucks, the end.


The Reason Is Because
"I don't enjoy rape, I just like it before going to bed"- Rena Miller discussing Law & Order SVU
Whatever butters your muffin I guess

Jan 17, 2006

EXCUSE ME WAITER THERE'S A HAIR IN MY POP CULTURE

OK I'd just like to quickly point out, I HAVE A FAN! Thank you Zal Zalla for saying what nno one else was willing to admit. Now I can die happy, not that I'm down with the whole mortality thing just yet.

Top 5 things That Bother Me Today

#1 - Women with facial hair - I'm not saying that all women need to be attractive, or even that women need to spend 20 minutes in front of a mirror before going outside (though in certain cases it may be advisable), but I feel like we can come to an agreement on a minimal standard of grooming and that is NO FACIAL HAIR. Seriously, if your upper lip resembles Tom Selleck at puberty, try investing in some wax. If you find people confusing you with a you with a Billy goat maybe a little electrolysis is for you. Either way all I'm saying is EEEEWWWW.

#2 - People who wake me up with a phone call - Listen you self absorbed, motor mouthed, compulsive dialers. How about you try for once to hold onto whatever useless comment it is that is running through your empty little head like homeless people in a condemned house. Besides, if you'd manage to shut up for an hour, you may end up not saying something so stupid that if not for my love for pillows and blankets would cause me get out of bed and raise up an army against you. Though in all honesty, it's a bit like giving the fat kid a 10 second head start in the 2000 meters, he may have a better shot, but he's still going to end up collapsing in puddle of sweat and cellulite. (sorry)

#3 - Paul Walker - I know he hasn't been in any movies recently but I really do hate him so very very much. I mean I've seen acting less wooden from totem poles. In fact I'm not even wholly convinced he's actually even aware of the fact he's in a movie. I'd bet good money he thinks he's a professional drag racer. Any takers?

#4 - People Who ask, "Why do Paris Hilton and Jessica Simpson have careers?" - If you're still asking this question odds are you are unfamiliar with the "Girls Gone Wild" phenomena. This sociology experiment has taught us that men (and some women) will pay lots of money to watch young blonde girls with I.Q.'s in the vicinity of Homer Simpson prance around in teeny tiny little bikinis (or less), even if their acting skills do make Paul Walker look more like Christopher Walken.
Authors Note: If this still doesn't make sense to you, rent "The Dukes Of Hazard" and umm, invite me to watch it with you.

#5 - The fact that Paris Hilton has a career - Just because I understand why Paris Hilton has a career doesn't mean it doesn't bother the crap out of me that she has one. I mean really one day (I'm really pushing for Wednesday) when they perform the autopsy on her and cut open her head, I'm convinced cherry flavored bubble gum will just spill out of her skull. The last time I saw eyes that blank was when I saw a stuffed dog standing in the taxidermist's window. You're not sure if its dead, but you know for certain there isn't anything going on upstairs

Pandering To Perverts
Once we're on the the subject - "Girls Gone Wild"

Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Kiefer Sutherland
The writer of this website - http://abbagav.blogspot.com/2006/01/hdate-exciting-new-hamas-singles-site.html. Just because they are about to turn themselves into nail enriched chopped meat, doesn't mean they don't deserve to be loved. On second thought. . .

The Reason Is Because
"This of course can in some way hurt his career as a professional ballplayer ... "-- Ugueth Urbina's defense lawyer Jose Luis Tamayo commenting on Urbina being charged with attempted murder.
Do you think it's hard to throw a ball across the plate between those jail bars and from, you know, VENEZUELA!

Jan 16, 2006

IF BY RIGHT YOU MEAN, WRONG

Breaking News : I have just discovered that after a month of publishing this blog, I have finally changed a person's mind. There is now a girl against "ugly guy dating hot girl", though, admittedly, a girl who is also pro males slaves (if you're into that, drop me a line and I'm sure I can work something out between the two of you, you bad bad boy). To read the text of this history making admission, see the last comment on the previous post, it's long and rather convoluted (also quite funny), so if you have any problems understanding it, I'll summarize, I'm right, women are wrong. Cheers.
P.S. Did that "bad bad boy" thing read as gay as I think it does?

In other news:
I have an pre-trial conference memo due tomorrow morning, so, I am sorry to say, there will not be an "If I Ran The World Advice Column" today. That being said, I do love you all (and by love I mean something far less complimentary, but you don't need to know what) and in that spirit I am going to give you a little something to make you smile.

On Wednesday, Lindsay Lohan and Kate Moss double-teamed the stripper pole at Howard Stern's de facto strip club, Scores, in NYC. According to an onlooker's account from the New York Post, "Kate was going wild. After a few songs, Lindsay jumped on stage with her. They were swinging on the pole with their arms around each other's waists, kissing each other, caressing each other, just acting like strippers....it was very hot."

First off, thank you "onlooker" for making perhaps the most redundant observation ever (acting like a stripper is hot, you don't say) and secondly, if this story didn't make you smile you probably didn't read it right. THEY WERE SWINGING ON THE POLE... KISSING AND CARESSING EACH OTHER! nuff said.

Till tomorrow.

Jan 15, 2006

68% THINK WE'RE SPENDING TOO MUCH, 59% THINK SPENDING SHOULD BE CUT

My previous post "CARLA WAS THE PROM QUEEN" sparked some debate on the topic of whether women should be allowed to date men way less hot than they are. So, in an effort to prove to myself that I was right to denounce this practice, I conducted an unscientific poll. the results were rather fascinating: All women think that this practice simply demonstrates the superiority of the female race when it comes to not being superficial(though really that's like saying Saddam Hussein won re-election in a landslide; when you're the only one competing, it's a pretty safe bet you're going to come home with the trophy, or in this case the man who should be in an iron mask). While on the other hand, nearly all men think women should be relegated to dating those in their respective "league". So to all hot girls dating ugly guys I have this message, DUMP THEM, it's what your man wants. Anyway, onto more important matters.

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#1 - Incomprehensible Vanity Plates - The vanity plate is in itself an exercise in oblivious idiocy, that a person can think the license plate on his car will in some way make him cooler, is like expecting your dogs flea collar to bag you the hotties. But what really bothers me, aside from the sheer stupidity of the vanity plate, is the unmitigated frustration suffered by the hundreds of drivers stuck behind these desperate for attention, spelling challenged, keep a mirror and a brush in their pocket, douchebags (I've never used this word before, can't decide if I like it), as motorists try in vain to decipher and attach meaning to the jumble of consonants and numbers you've mushed together. All I have to say to you is DRP DED AZHLE

#2 - The Movie Concession Stand - "Would you like to get the super combo, a large popcorn and a large soda for only .25 more?". I have sworn to myself more times than I can count, I will not get the large soda and large popcorn, I mean really is a feeding trough full of popcorn and gallon of soda totally necessary in order to make it through 2 hours of sitting, are we really coming to a movie theater that famished and starved? Is there a pre-movie Ramadan requirement in order to buy tickets to "King Kong" that I am not aware of?

#3 - Commercials for "ER" - "The most heart warming episode of ER ever" "This week ER more exiting than it's ever been" "The best ER in history". I have been keeping track of these commercials for a some time now, and while, admittedly, I have not actually watched any of these milestone episodes, I think I'm reasonablly convinced they are lying to me. Thus I now have for you, the greatest suggestion in history, within the greatest single post ever, of the world's most important blog. . . Ok I have nothing, you know, why? Because it's not possible!

#4 - People who grab your arm when they talk - STOP IT! If you are so terrified that your audience will abandon you, that you feel the need to employ a death grip on their arm to insure you hold their attention, odds are, they aren't istening anyway. In fact, they're probably too busy trying to think of ways to get away from the psycho (that would be you, crazy arm grabbing person) latched on them like a parasite to even understand a word coming out of your spit spewing mouth. NOW GET OFF OF ME, and while you're at it, SHUT UP.

#5 - The backhanded compliment - I would like to clarify, I have nothing against insulting people, in fact I'm quite fond of it myself, but this is just the wussiest path to insult there is. If you want to be mean to someone, be mean, don't couch your displeasure in the form of a near compliment. If you don't have the cojones to call someone stumpy, lilliputian or midgetesque don't go around saying, "I'm really impressed by how infrequently you get trampled" it's just not being honest, and everyone knows it's wrong to lie to the vertically challenged, they can't even see your lips.

Pandering to Perverts
Hairy french women (not that I condone it)

Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Aaron Sorkin
The guy who decided oats arent just for horses, seriously, go to the nearest stable, and trade the horse your popcorn for his oats (it goes with everything), you'll thank me for it, plus you'll have a nice shiny coat.

The Reason Is Because
"I just wanted to remind you, don't forget to say thank you." - Law School Professor
Just when you thought you were wasting money on an education, a professor somes along with inspired words of wisdom. So, for restoring my faith in tuition I just want to say, umm, I forget. . .

Jan 12, 2006

CARLA WAS THE PROM QUEEN

Here it is:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#1 – People who don’t flush at urinals – It would seem certain people have yet to be initiated to the concept of plumbing. There is, as far as I can tell, a plague of people who think that a urinal is right up there with a bucket and a hole in the ground. This would be understandable if I lived in Kentucky or well, an old age home. However, I live in a relatively well to do, well educated city so my question remains, what do you think those little holes at the bottom of the urinal are for, ventilation?

#2 – Guys who date girls who are way hotter they are – There has been some suggestion that this is a good thing; that this demonstrates that girls aren’t superficial and are more open minded. While this is a valid argument until it works in my favor, I’m waiting Kiera, I’m still going to have to vote no. The reason for this is simple, it destabilizes the dating world. Imagine if you will a man, not special in any way, who finds a woman, equally unspectacular, who is willing to date him. Under normal circumstances this man will be grateful that there is in this world a woman, an actual human, non-inflatable, woman who does not find him repulsive, he tells his friends and family he’s found someone and after convincing them he hasn’t been sniffing glue, everyone is happy for him. However, if you now introduce a hot girl who wants to date said unspectacular man into the picture all of a sudden this once stable orbit is thrown off its axis. His friends and family now find themselves asking, well if he can get her, imagine who I can get. And that in short is how the homeless guy living in the subway station thinks that you (assuming you are a woman) are in his league. Bothers you now too doesn’t it?
Author’s Note: I promise I’m not superficial
Author’s Agent: Ugly women need not apply


#3 – Vending machines that don’t tell you that the one item in the entire machine you want is sold out until that dollar sucking, instrument of evil, has eaten your money and then refuses to give it back to you – You, vending machine, are the strippers of the beverage and snack world. You lure us in with your shameless flaunting, promising us tasty treats, then just when we’ve caved to your siren's call pulled out our wallet and given you a dollar, you snatch away our hope with your callous neon ticker “sold out” (ok so the comparison falls apart a little at the neon ticker, but you have to admit right up until there it was spot on).

#4 – Mortality – I don’t think dying is for me, hey it works for some, I even advocate for quite a few groups of people, but I just don’t think that it is the best use of natural resources to have me converted to fertilizer. I’m sure everyone reading this can think of a few people who they wouldn’t mind seeing become compost in their stead, even those of you who like to think you are at heart good people. So today I call for volunteers, who wants to die instead of me and let the world continue to bask in my humor for years on end?

#5 – 8:30 am classes – I will have more to say on this when I actually make it to one. But in the meantime I would just like to say, that thinking about going to an 8:30 am class the night before, is in itself, quite draining. It's kind of like signing up to a gym, even if you never go, thinking about going is almost as good as a workout, or at least that’s what the fat guy tells me.

Who I like Today And I Don’t Mean The Red Cross
Mark Pope – Mark Pope is a white basketball player who is honest with himself, when asked what he thought his chances of making the Denver Nuggets roster was this season he answered what every white training camp invitee should:
"I don't think it's too likely, because I'm not a very good basketball player."

In Memoriam
Patrick Cranshaw AKA - Blue from “Old School” 1919 - 2005
I have no idea what other roles you may have played in your lifetime and for that matter I doubt anyone else does either, but what the hell, you got to mud wrestle two hotties at 84, so really, I guess it all evens out.

The Reason Is Because
“Babies with cleft lips are not attractive” – I think this pretty much speaks for itself

Jan 11, 2006

KNOCK KNOCK

As some of you may have noticed there was no post yesterday, the reason for this was that there was a minor misunderstanding between my door and I. I was under the opinion that my door should open; it on the other hand had some reservations on the matter. While I did eventually resolve this situation by using my finely honed intellect and burgling skills (they teach you that stuff in law school), I have decided put to paper or whatever the hell the internet is written on what to do should you happen to find yourself in such a situation

If I Ran The World’s Top 10 things To Do When You Get Locked Out
#10 – Call everyone you know
#9 – Yell at anyone who is willing to answer your phone call
#8 – Come up with reasons why you’re happy not to have friends anymore
#7 – Spend as much money as possible on items you would otherwise feel guilty buying
#6 – Milk as much sympathy from your friends as you can
#5 – Ask a hot (sympathetic) female friend if you can crash on her couch (thank you for the suggestion Mary)
#4 – Neglect to mention you don’t believe in wearing anything to bed
#3 – Press a bag of frozen peas to those areas suffering from purse beating
#2 – Try unlocking the deadbolt too
#1 – Lie, lie like your life depended on it. Deadbolt? No I totally tried the deadbolt, it must have been broken or something. You think I would just make reservations at a hotel without trying the deabolt?

Jan 9, 2006

BAH HUMBUG

Today marks the first ever post in the short-life of, “You Know What Bothers Me” to be made from the (cough cough) “city” of Boston. I make mention of this not because Boston is too small and crappy to be called a city, a township maybe, perhaps even a village or hamlet but not a city, but because this marks the beginning of spring semester and so my loyal readers I am here to tell you, if you thought that I was a fussy, ill-tempered, cantankerous old soul before, (I should mention that it really isn’t very nice to judge a person before you meet them, I may after all be very sweet; to those of you who already have met me and know me, well, its still not nice to think) you haven’t seen me when I’m not on vacation. Let the games begin:

Top 5 Things (Aside fro the start of school) That Bother me Today
#1 – The guilt trip – Oh my good god. I don’t know what kind of sick joke this guilt thing is but its sucks the mother load of all monkey nuts. How your irresponsible inconsiderate often incoherent friend can somehow manage to whine and weasel his way into that area reserved for pitying cute animals, with tales of complete and utter incompetence is beyond me. But then again, I guess it could be worse, I could enjoy the sight of fresh road kill.

#2 – The Caraway seed – In case you are not familiar with the Caraway seed AKA “the bane of my existence,” it is a long brownish, well, seed that comes in what is often called “Jewish Rye”. If you’ve ever had a caraway seed you’d recognize it by the crappy taste in your mouth when you bite into what you thought was plain old rye bread. Oftentimes, the evil distributors of the caraway seed, who by the way reside in Dante 6th circle of hell, manage to sneak their repulsive little kernel into the “everything” mix, this is especially bothersome as “everything” really is the best variation of bagel or flatbread flavors. It’s like lifting up the veil from your fiancĂ©’s (Kiera Knightley) face at your wedding and suddenly discovering that overnight she’s grown several big hairy moles all over said face. You may now kiss the bride.

#3 – People who don’t listen to me – How this is still happening is beyond me, I learned to speak at about 2; so this means have been right for some 23 consecutive years now and yet, even with all that history on my side, people continue to argue with me, continue to hold onto the irrational belief that I am ever wrong. It feels like talking to gibbon only at least the gibbon is smart enough to spend its time licking itself rather than trying to justify its wrongness. So to the people who argue with me I say this, try licking yourself instead, you may look just as stupid as you would arguing with me, but at least you won’t exhaust the few brain cells you’ve been allotted.

#4 – Airport Security – You know what, let’s just go ahead and say I am carrying a knife embedded deep within the muscle of my calf, don’t you think that slicing open my leg will be kind of hard considering you’ve already confiscated my toenail clippers. And even if I did somehow manage to tear open the skin of my leg, work my fingers through the well, stuff inside a leg, and finally pull out the secret knife, exactly what am I going to do with it while I bleed to death, give myself stitches?

#5 – The word “Scrod”- say it out loud to yourself a few times, no really try it. You know what scrod is, its fish. You EAT scrod. You don’t scrape it off the side of a boat or sexually transmit it; no you put scrod in your mouth. Allow me to make a comment on the naming of food. If the name of the item you intend to have people eat can be inserted into the following sentences, you may want to consider coming up with a new moniker.
- Everything was going fine, then I told her I had scrod and she wouldn’t even let me touch her
- Jimmy, check your shoes and make sure you didn’t step in any scrod.
- Ewww, it smells like scrod in here (okay in fairness most fish fails this one).
Scrod you fail.

Pandering to Perverts
Jessica Simpson’s jiggly bits

Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean The N.Y. Giants
- Jet Blue – I flew to Boston today and had planned on dedicating this column to the inevitable hassles of air travel but surprisingly even in my foul, returning to school mood, I only managed to find one thing to complain about. Kudos Jet Blue. Yes, I know this wasn’t funny.

The Reason Is Because - will remain blank today as I have been lucky enough to spend my time talking to fewer total idiots and because it’s bad form to keep picking on my mom, or so I’m told.

Jan 5, 2006

THE VALUE OF TEENAGE CHEERLEADERS

So here's an interesting little tidbit, I was looking through the site traffic this morning and I noticed that one of the visitors came to the site by way of a search for the term (wait for it) "tight spandex". While I am aware that one should give people the benefit of the doubt (especially perverts), if you have been reading this blog with any degree of consciousness, you know know I don't. People on the internet are by and large looking for porn, not witty Seinfeldian derivative humor and so sites that can satisfy the search query "teenage cheereaders" have much higher hit counts. As such, I am announcing that from now on there will be a new section in every days post, this section will be entitled "Pandering to Perverts" and it will include a phrase that will match popular internet searches, we may not be able to attract the readers of the "New York Times" but we can load up on the perverts.

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Homework over vacation - The word vacation comes from the latin "vacare" to be at leisure, now while I know some of you are unaware of this, I suspect many of those assigned homework over vacation are, those of you in community college feel free to disregard the preceding clause. As such, I would like to understand how exactly reading a case file instead of shoop-shooping my way down a blanket of fluffy snow counts as "leisure". Granted I have spent no actual time doing any of this homework, but knowing that I have to do it, or fake having done it at some indeterminate point in the future weighs on my mind, like saying I'll call you to a girl at the end of a really bad first date. Homework, YOU BOTHER ME.

#2 - Infomercials - I'm sorry, but your product does not have a retail price of $89.95 if you are selling it on TV for $9.95. Furthermore, my faith in your product being worth anything is called into question when my purchase comes free with not one, but two and not only that, with replacement parts for life. How desperate are you to sell these things? It's like a doctor who's so desperate for you to come see him once that when you show up he writes you a perscription for every drug on the market, just in case. But what realllly bugs me is that even though I know all of this, somehow, at 2am it still sounds like a good idea.

#3 - People who don't comment - While I may, much like Hamlet "like a whore, unpack my heart with words." Whores get paid. So if you people want to continue getting your fix of discontentment, I suggest you pay the boatman his fee, and post a freaking comment, you indolent, shiftless, pleasure stealing ingrates. That being said, feel free to make it in the form of a complaint, reader submission day is nigh.

#4 - Canadians - Clean air, clean streets, universal healthcare, polite citizenry, ugh, do I really need to go any farther, what is there to like about these people? Do they even have an army? Because if they don't I totally think we should take 'em. We could have the whole country in like 15 minutes, plus unlike in Iraq, Canadians are much too nice to mount an insurgency.

#5 - Metrosexuals - Men should not under any circumstances require more than 45 seconds in front of a mirror just to walk outside. If you have hair care products that extend beyond shampoo and well if you must, conditioner, you need to go find a surgeon to attach a pair of balls to your groin. To those of you who are suddenly feeling the need to defend your grooming habits, I say this, it's ok to have hair gel, just be aware, odds are before long another guy may be using it as lubricant, on you.

Pandering to Perverts
Teenage lesbian cheerleaders

Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Me
- People who comment regularly, even the one who called me egomaniacal, even if he/she did spell it wrong

The Reason Is Because
We didn't get no respect from none of the media - Vince Young, QB, Texas Longhorns
- Ah, the oh so rare triple negative, never has being so very wrong resulted in being almost (but not quite) right.

Jan 4, 2006

INGRATES

Seeing as yesterday's post was lacking a "Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today" I feel it is only fair to you, my loyal, yet too lazy to post a comment, readers, to postpone Wednesday's standard reader's submissions column and instead provide you with my own borderline offensive grumblings on what bothers me today.

Top 5 Things (would be 10 but that woud just make me seem hard to please) That Bother Me Today

#1 - Lindsay Lohan's Bulemia and Subsequent umm "Cup Reduction"- My own time spent as a Hollywood icon and movie star gives me some specialized understanding of this situation, let me tell you what was running through her mind. Having become a staggering success at the age of 17, Ms. Lohan decided that, as a woman, the only life goal left for her to accomplish was to lay waste to the happiness of men the world over. So in the selfish and thoughtless manner that has for so long defined celebrity (I was going to say women, but hey, even I know there are some things you can't get away with, at least not without changing certain, shall we say, proclivities, a sacrifice that I am not willing to make for this blog) Ms. Lohan undertook a campaign of reduction and destruction the likes of which man has not seen since they miniaturized the Haggen Daaz ice cream pops at Yankee Stadium (seriously, $4.50 for snack even Lindsay Lohan wouldn't bother puking up?). Fortunately while there is, as of yet, no cure for this plague, there's always airbrushing. Thank you photoshop.

#2 - 50/50 Divoce Split - This one sucks some serious monkey nuts. While this may not be a large consideration for some people, I imagine the divorce settlement of the homeless is pretty much relegated to deciding who gets the box and who gets the shopping cart, not everyone can be so lucky. It's not that I don't think women deserve a portion of the marital wealth, it's that I don't think they deserve my portion.
Author's Note: Should my future wife turn out to be loaded out the wazoo, I would just like to say, I wuuuuuv you and umm, nevermind.

#3 - Cell Phone Headaches - You all know the feeling, you've been talking on the phone for a good little bit when you suddenly notice the phone and your ear is kind of hot. You hang up and then you realize your head kind of hurts. Then the worries start to creep in, is there any validity to those rumors about cell phones causing brain tumors? Is my ear going to turn into a radioactive nightlight? Is this true about laptops too? Are my boys done swimming? Am I going to die and not be able to have children? Is paranoia a symptom of brain tumors? Argh. I just wish they'd decide already.

#4 - Horoscopes - Oh my God, someone please smack some sense into these people. There are like a third of a BILLION, that's 333 million people born in the same sign you are, you know what that means? It means that all those perfect predictions Cosmo made for you are true of Deepahk Monopigahela, the guy who washes the cisterns clean of urine stains in Pakistani prisons and Brandi Starz, the transvestite hooker/heroin addict, gives new meaning to "a career opportunity awaits you," doesn't it?

#5 - Vegetarians - I just can't trust someone who isn't willing to sink their teeth into the flesh of another mammal. I mean really, if you aren't willing to demonstrate the superiority of the human race over animals by celebrating the carnivore inside you, how can I trust you to defend me from the mob of crazed club wielding umm "fans" who may come after me should my blog ever become widely publicized. On second thought, you know what we need more of, cannibals! Give me a good old grass skirt wearing, nose pierced, man eating native as a bodyguard/fan and no one will start up with me, then again, most cannibals can't read. Damn my fame.

Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Jim Sokoloff
- Larry David on "Brokeback Mountain" Thank you Larry for saying what needed to be heard, even though it may offend, not that there's anything wrong with that.
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/01/opinion/01david.html?incamp=article_popular

The Reason Is Because
"Do Jews wear those things on their heads because they're bald underneath?" - Cashier at grocery in Boston.
And people say the public school system isn't working.

Jan 3, 2006

I HATE RESPONSIBILITIES

Ladies and Gentleman, today I'm will not be posting a top 5 list, instead I want to use this forum to pose a question (and save time to do my H.W.) to you all, or if you sleep with your relatives, are unaware of the fact that participles end with the letters "ing" not "in" and eat squirrel meat, y'all. Some of you may be married and some others of you may have lives, still others of you may fall into neither of those categories (to you I say, thank you for making me feel better about my life). Anyway, here it is;

What is the meanest, vilest, most awful thing you've ever done? aside of course from laughing at this blog.

Personal Update
For the first time in my 25 years I have, wait for it, boiled an egg, gotta say, kind of a letdown.

Who I Like Today And (I Promise) I Don't Mean Clay Aiken
The creators of this website, thank you, just thank you.
http://www.overheardinnewyork.com/

The Reason Is Because
Drew Gooden Forward, Cleveland Cavaliers
Interviewer - "Why do you think you won tonight Drew?"
Drew Gooden - "We competed tonight."
And the prize for most oblivious understatement of the day goes to Drew Gooden, thank you Drew for pointing out that in order to win a game, one must be playing in a game. Incidentaly Drew, congratulations on making this list twice. While being dumber than the progeny of retarded siblings from the south must be kind of a downer, at least you know your dead body will be worth a crapload, maybe even a crap and a half; scientists have been looking for the missing link for a while now.

Jan 2, 2006

OBNOXIOUS: adj. Offensive or odious

Yadda yadda yadda I’ve never been slapped, here it is:

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#1 – New Years – What exactly are these people celebrating? The fact that they have closed the books on the fiscal year? Wooo hooo!! I feel like I should have more to say about this but it’s just so utterly random.

#2 – People who ask “who is that” during a movie when you’ve both been there just as long – I don’t understand these people, exactly what is running through your mind? Do you think that I’ve come to the movie with some special knowledge? That they have secret screenings for people who are going to be seeing the movie with retards? How in G-d’s good name am I going to know more about the 3 minute old movie than you are? Arrrrrgh. Mom, you bother me.
Note: To all of you who think I just called my mom a retard I just want to say, she’s a really good cook.

#3 – People who talk authoritatively about subjects in which they have no specialized knowledge – Why, why, WHY? That these people feel qualified to make comments on subjects like military tactics, fluid dynamics and corporate strategy boggles my mind. These people whose qualifications are limited to knowing the best place to get shwarma at 2am fill the air with such pomposity it’s almost as if they exist in a cloud of their own noxious gas. To you people I just have one thing to say, every second you are alive is a waste of oxygen.

#4 – People who fail so often that everyone lowers expectations for them – Just because you have been late to everything for the last 11 years should not mean it’s acceptable. No, you cannot call 17 hours after we were supposed to meet and say “yeah, it doesn’t look like I’m going to make it.” I am sure that I am not the only one with a friend like that and so I have a suggestion for all my readers. The next time one of your chronically unreliable friends proves himself to be, once again, unreliable, beat him. Beat him with dense blunt objects, like say, a lead pipe or the arm from a mannequin, don’t kill him or anything, just maim him so that next time he’s late you can ask, “Problem getting into your wheelchair?”

#5 – Fat people in tight clothes – I know this has been a rough couple of days for fat people here on “You Know What Bothers Me” (well lets face it, your entire life is probably pretty rough, filling though) but I have one more thing to add. I understand that it is important for you to have self confidence, to look at yourself in the mirror, or mirrors if you are especially large, and be able to say to yourself that you like what you see. But please! When these delusions lead to you walking around outside, in public, where other people are forced to look at you, they result in the inestimable suffering of thousands. So please before you decide spandex is a good idea try thinking of this; there are no good rolls of fat, big is not beautiful, and while there may be more of you to love, there’s also a crapload more to hate.

Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean A.E. Housman
The 2004 National Spelling Bee on ESPN 2
Have you seen these kids before, it’s like they’ve come out of that pod Keanu Reeves was in, in the Matrix. They study for what I imagine must be hours on end each day eschewing exposure to trivial things like, people, sunlight and TV only to find themselves on stage twitching and stuttering as their fate comes down to spelling LUBAVITCHER that's right, LUBAVITCHER. L-O-S-E-R. Bet now you wish you’d spent your time watching TV .

The Reason Is Because
"You is wrong" – Microsoft Word grammar correction suggestion
Clearly Microsoft hasn’t quite solved the Ebonics bug.

Jan 1, 2006

SLOTH

I am glad to announce with the coming of the "New Year" the introduction of a new weekly advice column. While this column will normally run on Mondays, its initial appearance will be today. Sorry folks but I'm not feeling particularly whiny at the moment and I wouldn't want to undermine the integrity of the "Top 5 Things That Bother me Today" with manufactured anger. So here it is for your reading pleasure:

If I Ran The World's
Top 10 Ways To Woo Women (how much fun is that to say?)
#10 - Ignore them - while this advice has been given before, I feel it bears repeating
#9 - Buy her a gym membership - nothing says you like a girl like showing her you're interested in having her lose a few pounds
#8 - Describe in detail the role she played in your dream last night
#7 - Rate her performance in said dream
#6 - Offer her the chance to prove she can do better
#5 - Poke fun at all of her flaws - There's nothing like destroying a girls self-confidence to increase the odds of her agreeing to go out with you
#4 - Remind her as often as possible that a woman's place is in the kitchen, or wherever a diaper needs changing, a carpet vaccuming or clothes washing.
#3 - Tell her you've always been attracted to girl's who werent concerned about their looks - see note to #5
#2 - Tell her you "love her" at inappropriately early time
#1 - Lie - To all the women reading this, did I mention I run a multi-million dollar generating website?

If there is anyone out there who disagrees with this list, or in the more likely case, applauds it, but feels that I may have missed one or two tricks, please feel free to make use of the comment board. If your comment is reasonably valid, you may even make Wednesday's reader submission column. Until then, keep reading, like you could stop.