Seeing as how January 1st is the official day for people to make promises to themselves that they can never keep I have, in my unparalleled generosity, provided you with a new promise you can make to yourself. Read my blog. So, aside from the fact that it’s easier to keep your resolution to read than it is to lose 20 pounds, here they are:
The Top 10 Reasons To Read This Blog (and stay fat)
#10 – Schadenfreude – look it up
#9 – So you can steal my material and pretend you’re funny
#8 – So you can catch people trying to pass off my material as their own in an attempt to appear funny
#7 – Because everyone should learn how to hate
#6 – Because you’re too cheap to buy a insider membership to espn.com
#5 – Wouldn’t it suck if I was making fun of you and you were the only one not to know?
#4 –Because my ego isn’t big enough... yet
#3 – Because no one should be totally happy
#2 – Because you are exactly that bored
#1 – You just aren’t this funny
Dec 31, 2005
Dec 29, 2005
ITS ALREADY BEEN BRUNG
I was supposed to go skiing today. It is raining. I am not skiing. This bothers me. So to all you dumb question asking, radio sing alonging, bathroom dialing, suicidal fat women, I say this, BRING IT ON. If you think a little praying for rain is going to stop me, you, my living reasons for keeping abortions legal, are sorely mistaken. With this in mind, here they are:
Today’s Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Rain – You, Rain, annoy me, I am not hard to please, but rain, you are absolutely useless to me. Has school ever been cancelled for rain? Can you play baseball in the rain? Has rain ever made for a solid excuse to get out of doing anything annoying? I think not. So here’s an idea, how about you don’t rain anymore? I know there might be a farmer or two who thinks this is a bit extreme and unfair and to them I say, piss off some dumb question asking, radio sing alonging, bathroom dialing, suicidal fat women and I guarantee you’ll be your own personal Seattle (it rains alot there).
#2 – Sports That Need Judges – Memo: If a sport requires a group of fat old men and women who are unable to play it, to decide who has won and who has lost, it is not a sport. If you can’t figure out simply by watching who won and who lost, it isn’t a game, it’s modern dance. So to the people who call figure skating, gymnastics and snowboard trick jumping a sport, I ask you this, didn’t you get the memo (I reaaaaaally liked Batman Begins)?
#3 – Modern Dance – I’ve never seen it, don’t know anyone who has seen it and probably never will, but somehow I’m relatively sure, I hate it. If you think the gyrating human body is supposed to communicate a message other than the one which has been mastered by horny monkeys, your parents probably wasted a crapload of money on your education. On the bright side, at least you’re not a mime, oh no, YOU ARE.
#4 – The Popped Collar – The collar has been in existence in its folded down state for approximately 200 years yet you, you Abercrombie & Fitch wearing, American Eagle shopping, sunglasses on top of your head wearing, metal defectives, have decided that you are going to buck the trend, shrug the weight of 200 years of conventional wisdom and walk around like Elvis. Accordingly, I have another unconventional idea for you to try, why don’t you crawl into a dark, wet, slimy hole and die, just a suggestion.
#5 – Viewer Discretion is Advised – Do the people who make those stupid little “Viewer Discretion is Advised” notices even understand what the word discretion means? In case one of them is reading I’ll provide that information free of charge. Dis·cre·tion n. The ability or power to decide responsibly or the freedom to act or judge on one's own. Thus my question to you is, do you think that we don’t have the freedom to watch your show? Do you think that once we sit down in front of the TV and turn it on some magical mystical force will prevent us from being able to pick up the remote and changing the channel? If that’s the case, I’d start polishing that resume, I have a hunch you might need it.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Miguel Cairo
The guy who created this site – http://mapage.noos.fr/qoo/Quorum1.htm
If you’re angry enough to actually create a website bashing the bums in front of your building, which the bums pissing you off will never read, you’re good in my book.
The Reason Is Because
Me: Mom this food is delicious
Mom: Do you like it?
Apparently she thought I was making use of the rare and non-existent secondary definition of the word "delicious".
Today’s Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Rain – You, Rain, annoy me, I am not hard to please, but rain, you are absolutely useless to me. Has school ever been cancelled for rain? Can you play baseball in the rain? Has rain ever made for a solid excuse to get out of doing anything annoying? I think not. So here’s an idea, how about you don’t rain anymore? I know there might be a farmer or two who thinks this is a bit extreme and unfair and to them I say, piss off some dumb question asking, radio sing alonging, bathroom dialing, suicidal fat women and I guarantee you’ll be your own personal Seattle (it rains alot there).
#2 – Sports That Need Judges – Memo: If a sport requires a group of fat old men and women who are unable to play it, to decide who has won and who has lost, it is not a sport. If you can’t figure out simply by watching who won and who lost, it isn’t a game, it’s modern dance. So to the people who call figure skating, gymnastics and snowboard trick jumping a sport, I ask you this, didn’t you get the memo (I reaaaaaally liked Batman Begins)?
#3 – Modern Dance – I’ve never seen it, don’t know anyone who has seen it and probably never will, but somehow I’m relatively sure, I hate it. If you think the gyrating human body is supposed to communicate a message other than the one which has been mastered by horny monkeys, your parents probably wasted a crapload of money on your education. On the bright side, at least you’re not a mime, oh no, YOU ARE.
#4 – The Popped Collar – The collar has been in existence in its folded down state for approximately 200 years yet you, you Abercrombie & Fitch wearing, American Eagle shopping, sunglasses on top of your head wearing, metal defectives, have decided that you are going to buck the trend, shrug the weight of 200 years of conventional wisdom and walk around like Elvis. Accordingly, I have another unconventional idea for you to try, why don’t you crawl into a dark, wet, slimy hole and die, just a suggestion.
#5 – Viewer Discretion is Advised – Do the people who make those stupid little “Viewer Discretion is Advised” notices even understand what the word discretion means? In case one of them is reading I’ll provide that information free of charge. Dis·cre·tion n. The ability or power to decide responsibly or the freedom to act or judge on one's own. Thus my question to you is, do you think that we don’t have the freedom to watch your show? Do you think that once we sit down in front of the TV and turn it on some magical mystical force will prevent us from being able to pick up the remote and changing the channel? If that’s the case, I’d start polishing that resume, I have a hunch you might need it.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Miguel Cairo
The guy who created this site – http://mapage.noos.fr/qoo/Quorum1.htm
If you’re angry enough to actually create a website bashing the bums in front of your building, which the bums pissing you off will never read, you’re good in my book.
The Reason Is Because
Me: Mom this food is delicious
Mom: Do you like it?
Apparently she thought I was making use of the rare and non-existent secondary definition of the word "delicious".
Dec 28, 2005
THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE
The staggering success of this website and, more particularly, the popularity of "The Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today" has led to an outpouring of complaints that you readers have with the world. In keeping with my personal philosophy of voicing these complaints, I have decided to dedicate Wednesdays column to reader submissions, to allow you to vent the frustration you suffer because of the idiots of the world, so, without further ado, here they are, your complaints.
[Editor's Note: The names of the complainants have been withheld to protect them from their often violent, sometimes mysoginistic and occasionally stupid, wishes.]
#1 - People who don't know how to drive - This includes rubber-neckers, people who drive slowly, people who put on their blinker and then don't turn, people who stop while the light is green, people who don't know how to drive in anything other than sunshine, people who stop at every crossing street because they don't know where they're going... (I could go on, but then I'd get angry). And to be quite honest, people who don't know how to drive should be shot in the leg. If you can't follow both the written and unwritten laws of the road, DON'T DRIVE!! I know I have no patience and I am easily frustrated by this, but still, come on. Do us all a favor and STAY IN THE [Falconing] HOUSE!!! [Editor's Note: I would not suggest spending much time alone in a car with the above complainant, unless of course you don't mind feeling hot lead tear through your femoral artery. Cheers.]
#2 - Holiday shoppers - Holiday shoppers are the worst kind of shoppers. They bring the whole damn family along, so they take up the entire aisle. They stop to look at everything and it takes forever to get around them. It makes me mad. Hurumph [Editor's Note: I hate holiday shoppers too, though it appears I don't hate children or families nearly as much as complainant, kudos, the world needs more people who are disgusted by babies and families.]
#3 - People who walk slowly [Editor's Note: Especially people who walk slowly with an entire family, taking up the entire side of the street with their carriages and small children, forcing you to walk at their impossibly slow pace or to walk through the wet dog poop filled grass.]
#4 - People who stand in front of the doors on the subway or bus when there is plenty of room in the middle - [Editor's Note: Sure they can stand somewhere else, but no, they've decided that making it impossible for you to get on the bus/subway is the best course of action.]
#5 - Road tests and driving manuals, in Mexico all you need to do is drive up to a stand give them 450 pesos and a picture and you have your license. [Editor's Note: Nothing that happens in Mexico hould ever be used as an example of "the better way" it really just is oxymoronic, sorry Paco :-).]
#6 - Jennifer Love Hewitt not being cast in Wild Things
#7 - People who still think about Wild Things
#8 - The rhyming of bread and bed [Editor's Note: not a particulary good complaint mind you]
#9 - Fat women at the gym - [Editor's Note: Editor is not at all suggesting that only hot women should be at co-ed gyms and that when there, they exist only to serve as eye candy to the men working out there. Furthermore, editor is not implying that fat women should just give up on losing weight and resign themselves to a life of hopeless and interminable loneliness, suicide is always an option.]
#10 - People who are easily offended by jokes [Editor's Note: especially suicidal fat women].
I hope you've all enjoyed the complaints of your fellow readers and that this column can become a weekly occurance, so keep posting on the comment board or emailing me your observations.
[Editor's Note: The names of the complainants have been withheld to protect them from their often violent, sometimes mysoginistic and occasionally stupid, wishes.]
#1 - People who don't know how to drive - This includes rubber-neckers, people who drive slowly, people who put on their blinker and then don't turn, people who stop while the light is green, people who don't know how to drive in anything other than sunshine, people who stop at every crossing street because they don't know where they're going... (I could go on, but then I'd get angry). And to be quite honest, people who don't know how to drive should be shot in the leg. If you can't follow both the written and unwritten laws of the road, DON'T DRIVE!! I know I have no patience and I am easily frustrated by this, but still, come on. Do us all a favor and STAY IN THE [Falconing] HOUSE!!! [Editor's Note: I would not suggest spending much time alone in a car with the above complainant, unless of course you don't mind feeling hot lead tear through your femoral artery. Cheers.]
#2 - Holiday shoppers - Holiday shoppers are the worst kind of shoppers. They bring the whole damn family along, so they take up the entire aisle. They stop to look at everything and it takes forever to get around them. It makes me mad. Hurumph [Editor's Note: I hate holiday shoppers too, though it appears I don't hate children or families nearly as much as complainant, kudos, the world needs more people who are disgusted by babies and families.]
#3 - People who walk slowly [Editor's Note: Especially people who walk slowly with an entire family, taking up the entire side of the street with their carriages and small children, forcing you to walk at their impossibly slow pace or to walk through the wet dog poop filled grass.]
#4 - People who stand in front of the doors on the subway or bus when there is plenty of room in the middle - [Editor's Note: Sure they can stand somewhere else, but no, they've decided that making it impossible for you to get on the bus/subway is the best course of action.]
#5 - Road tests and driving manuals, in Mexico all you need to do is drive up to a stand give them 450 pesos and a picture and you have your license. [Editor's Note: Nothing that happens in Mexico hould ever be used as an example of "the better way" it really just is oxymoronic, sorry Paco :-).]
#6 - Jennifer Love Hewitt not being cast in Wild Things
#7 - People who still think about Wild Things
#8 - The rhyming of bread and bed [Editor's Note: not a particulary good complaint mind you]
#9 - Fat women at the gym - [Editor's Note: Editor is not at all suggesting that only hot women should be at co-ed gyms and that when there, they exist only to serve as eye candy to the men working out there. Furthermore, editor is not implying that fat women should just give up on losing weight and resign themselves to a life of hopeless and interminable loneliness, suicide is always an option.]
#10 - People who are easily offended by jokes [Editor's Note: especially suicidal fat women].
I hope you've all enjoyed the complaints of your fellow readers and that this column can become a weekly occurance, so keep posting on the comment board or emailing me your observations.
Dec 27, 2005
I LOVE TUESDAY
I have been wondering for some time when I would run out of things to say about the world, that is, how long it would take until I had exhausted the cellars of my annoyance. While that day is not today, I do feel that it is required of me, as it is of all men with readership measuring in near double digits, to at the very least pause every so often and reflect on important and pressing issues facng the world. Today’s issue is going to be “Why Girls Will Find Any Guy Attractive As Long As He’s In a Band Or Movies” No, that’s not good, we all know the answer to that, GOOOOOLDIGGER! Today’s issue will then be, “Why Women Hate Each Other But Never Admit To It.” No, that’s no good either, the reason for that is simple too, there’s only one “me” to go around and Kiera just isn’t into sharing, because as well all know, sharing means less.
Well, seeing as there are apparently no pressing issues to attend to, I will part the clouds of your depression and shine the light that is today’s:
Top 5 (would be something else but it seems I’ve solved all the other mysteries in the universe) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 People who talk about your parents getting it on – For a society to function in it’s intended fashion I think there are certain rules that we all must agree on, a social contract if you will, and term number one in this contract is not talking about someone’s parents having sex, EVER. Or as John Locke put it “Ye shall never discuss nay in public nor in private the affaires of ye friend’s olde parents doing the nasty” (that’s a direct quote by the way, call me if you’d like the cite). Whole civilizations have crumbled from the violation of this core principle: the Mayans, gone, the Incas, gone, Atlantis, apparently someone told the plumber he saw his parents “rocking the boat” and he cracked a water main. So next time you plan on making a funny about someone’s parents, just remember, you may be talking to a plumber or even worse a lawyer.
#2 Old people with driving licenses – Originally this was just going to read “old people” but after some consultation with various militias and right wing terrorists organizations it would seem mass euthanasia is not an option. As such, I instead propose revoking the license of anyone over the age of 68 (this may seem like an odd number to you but I think its logical, 70 is too old, and if I said 69 there would inevitably be someone too immature not start laughing, you know who you are). As a general rule I propose this three prong test: If you check your diaper more often than your oil, you shouldn’t drive; If your teeth are newer that your car, you shouldn’t drive; and if your glasses come with an “objects in glasses are closer than they appear” sticker on them, YOU SHOULDN’T DRIVE. By the way, if any one reading this actually can do something about the “old people problem,” call me with an estimate.
#3 People who start telling you a story then remember they promised not to, and don’t finish – You should know by the way, this is how the Holocaust started. Hitler was drunk in a bar in Austria on night and he started talking this reporter for the New York Times about how he was going to kill all the Jews and take over the world but then he made the guy promise not to tell anyone and instead of printing the whole story his article read only “Hitler said something about the Jews but I can’t say what because I kind of promised not to tell.” So for all you Nazi loving story non-finishers, just remember, the lives of 6 million dead Jews are on your heads.
Author’s Note: The above story is totally true
Editor’s Note: Author is not responsible for any farfetched conspiracy or the falsification of historical events.
#4 Getting stuck in the bathroom without reading material – (This one goes out to the men) This affliction may well be so annoying that it defies description, words alone cannot express the torture, the boredom, the sheer wastefulness of the time spent in the John without a newspaper Sports Illustrated or other magazines which shall remain nameless. So I say this to every wife, maid, live-in girlfriend, cleaning lady and mother out there, PLEASE, in the name of all that is good and holy, leave me something! How else can we hide from you for and hour and a half?
#5 Losing my virginity to Kiera Knightley – OK that one doesn’t really bother me, but I like saying it often as possible.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Open Minded Lesbians
On second thought, yes I do. You make the world a happier place. “Open Minded Lesbians for Congress” (as long as they don’t want to get married of course).
The Reason Is Because
“I’ve faced a lot of diversity” – Drew Gooden, Forward, Orlando Magic
Thank you Drew for demonstrating once again why it is bad for relatives to impregnate each other.
Well, seeing as there are apparently no pressing issues to attend to, I will part the clouds of your depression and shine the light that is today’s:
Top 5 (would be something else but it seems I’ve solved all the other mysteries in the universe) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 People who talk about your parents getting it on – For a society to function in it’s intended fashion I think there are certain rules that we all must agree on, a social contract if you will, and term number one in this contract is not talking about someone’s parents having sex, EVER. Or as John Locke put it “Ye shall never discuss nay in public nor in private the affaires of ye friend’s olde parents doing the nasty” (that’s a direct quote by the way, call me if you’d like the cite). Whole civilizations have crumbled from the violation of this core principle: the Mayans, gone, the Incas, gone, Atlantis, apparently someone told the plumber he saw his parents “rocking the boat” and he cracked a water main. So next time you plan on making a funny about someone’s parents, just remember, you may be talking to a plumber or even worse a lawyer.
#2 Old people with driving licenses – Originally this was just going to read “old people” but after some consultation with various militias and right wing terrorists organizations it would seem mass euthanasia is not an option. As such, I instead propose revoking the license of anyone over the age of 68 (this may seem like an odd number to you but I think its logical, 70 is too old, and if I said 69 there would inevitably be someone too immature not start laughing, you know who you are). As a general rule I propose this three prong test: If you check your diaper more often than your oil, you shouldn’t drive; If your teeth are newer that your car, you shouldn’t drive; and if your glasses come with an “objects in glasses are closer than they appear” sticker on them, YOU SHOULDN’T DRIVE. By the way, if any one reading this actually can do something about the “old people problem,” call me with an estimate.
#3 People who start telling you a story then remember they promised not to, and don’t finish – You should know by the way, this is how the Holocaust started. Hitler was drunk in a bar in Austria on night and he started talking this reporter for the New York Times about how he was going to kill all the Jews and take over the world but then he made the guy promise not to tell anyone and instead of printing the whole story his article read only “Hitler said something about the Jews but I can’t say what because I kind of promised not to tell.” So for all you Nazi loving story non-finishers, just remember, the lives of 6 million dead Jews are on your heads.
Author’s Note: The above story is totally true
Editor’s Note: Author is not responsible for any farfetched conspiracy or the falsification of historical events.
#4 Getting stuck in the bathroom without reading material – (This one goes out to the men) This affliction may well be so annoying that it defies description, words alone cannot express the torture, the boredom, the sheer wastefulness of the time spent in the John without a newspaper Sports Illustrated or other magazines which shall remain nameless. So I say this to every wife, maid, live-in girlfriend, cleaning lady and mother out there, PLEASE, in the name of all that is good and holy, leave me something! How else can we hide from you for and hour and a half?
#5 Losing my virginity to Kiera Knightley – OK that one doesn’t really bother me, but I like saying it often as possible.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Open Minded Lesbians
On second thought, yes I do. You make the world a happier place. “Open Minded Lesbians for Congress” (as long as they don’t want to get married of course).
The Reason Is Because
“I’ve faced a lot of diversity” – Drew Gooden, Forward, Orlando Magic
Thank you Drew for demonstrating once again why it is bad for relatives to impregnate each other.
Dec 26, 2005
I DID A BAD BAD THING
It has recently come to my attention that I may in fact be, as one reader so eloquently phrased it, a “bastard.” This revelation startled me, much as I’m sure it is startling you right now. I have tried to be kind and thoughtful, even merciful, looking for possible justifications for the actions of the worlds undiagnosed mentally challenged, actions which do so annoy me. But it would seem this beneficence has been overlooked, disregarded even. Instead, I have had my character attacked, my good will questioned and my intentions doubted. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I announce to you, my loyal readers that today will be my final post. I simply cannot go on writing this article day after day knowing that I am actually hurting people’s feelings. Goodbye.
The above paragraph is what I would have written if I actually cared about hurting the feelings of those less mentally blessed. Fortunately for me, I don’t. So instead, I’m here to assure you that “The Bastard” is alive and well, and well, once I’m being honest, I wasn’t startled either(shocking, I know). So if anyone has any complaints or negative comments they’d like to share, I’ve provided for the convenience of each one of you whiners a letter drop on your person. I think you can figure out where to stuff it (if you’re having trouble parsing this joke, then odds are you probably actually are retarded, and I apologize for picking on you, even if your tongue is oversized). So without further ado and with much suspense here it is.
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Family Gatherings- In the spirit of the holiday season, I’d like to share my thoughts on the inevitable seasonal torture. Why is it that come holiday time, people whom you haven’t seen for 10 or 11 months suddenly feel the need to gather? What is it about this time of year that makes people forget, “there’s a reason I don’t hang out with these people?” Is there something in the eggnog or latkes that causes the synaptic pathways in the brains of the people in charge of making phone calls to misfire and dial the wrong numbers? Or is it that people just feel guilty? If that’s the case, then someone please call me and tell me what this “guilt” thing feels like.
#2 – Katie Holmes’ Pregnant Belly – Sometimes life just isn’t fair, you’re young you’re beautiful you have everything you want and then Katie Holmes goes and gets pregnant and you’re life is just that less perfect. Selfish!
#3 – The Long Pointless Story – Every group of friends has one, and as the saying goes, if you don’t think it does, that’s because it’s you. The guy who feels the need to share every detail of what he promises will be a funny story, but is, in reality, not. Kind of like this particular rant, look I know it isn’t funny but maybe my guy will read this and stop doing it, so really, you’re all suffering so that I might survive in peace, kind of like Jesus, only in reverse.
#4 – People Who Call You But Are Already Holding Another Conversation – So let me get this straights, you, are calling me, but when I answer, you’re talking to someone else? Exactly how addled does one’s mind have to be to not realize this is bad? Fruit flies, which have a lifespan that is measured in hours, learn this lesson before you do. Really, in all honesty, you people BOTHER ME.
#5 – People Who Only Know One Verse Of A Song But Sing It Anyway – There’s a reason songwriters write more than one verse to a song, that reason is, it annoying as hell to listen to the same words over and over and over and over and over (getting annoying already isn’t it?) . So here’s is my advice to all you short-term memory challenged would be vocalists LEARN THE WORDS, and oh yeah your voice probably sucks too, so maybe just don’t sing in general.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Ugly Babies (if only someone would tell their parents)
- Me – Really it's amazing it’s taken 8 days for me to make this list.
The Reason Is Because
“Wait, Am I going to be 29 or 30?” – my sister
- As if I needed more proof I was adopted
The above paragraph is what I would have written if I actually cared about hurting the feelings of those less mentally blessed. Fortunately for me, I don’t. So instead, I’m here to assure you that “The Bastard” is alive and well, and well, once I’m being honest, I wasn’t startled either(shocking, I know). So if anyone has any complaints or negative comments they’d like to share, I’ve provided for the convenience of each one of you whiners a letter drop on your person. I think you can figure out where to stuff it (if you’re having trouble parsing this joke, then odds are you probably actually are retarded, and I apologize for picking on you, even if your tongue is oversized). So without further ado and with much suspense here it is.
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Family Gatherings- In the spirit of the holiday season, I’d like to share my thoughts on the inevitable seasonal torture. Why is it that come holiday time, people whom you haven’t seen for 10 or 11 months suddenly feel the need to gather? What is it about this time of year that makes people forget, “there’s a reason I don’t hang out with these people?” Is there something in the eggnog or latkes that causes the synaptic pathways in the brains of the people in charge of making phone calls to misfire and dial the wrong numbers? Or is it that people just feel guilty? If that’s the case, then someone please call me and tell me what this “guilt” thing feels like.
#2 – Katie Holmes’ Pregnant Belly – Sometimes life just isn’t fair, you’re young you’re beautiful you have everything you want and then Katie Holmes goes and gets pregnant and you’re life is just that less perfect. Selfish!
#3 – The Long Pointless Story – Every group of friends has one, and as the saying goes, if you don’t think it does, that’s because it’s you. The guy who feels the need to share every detail of what he promises will be a funny story, but is, in reality, not. Kind of like this particular rant, look I know it isn’t funny but maybe my guy will read this and stop doing it, so really, you’re all suffering so that I might survive in peace, kind of like Jesus, only in reverse.
#4 – People Who Call You But Are Already Holding Another Conversation – So let me get this straights, you, are calling me, but when I answer, you’re talking to someone else? Exactly how addled does one’s mind have to be to not realize this is bad? Fruit flies, which have a lifespan that is measured in hours, learn this lesson before you do. Really, in all honesty, you people BOTHER ME.
#5 – People Who Only Know One Verse Of A Song But Sing It Anyway – There’s a reason songwriters write more than one verse to a song, that reason is, it annoying as hell to listen to the same words over and over and over and over and over (getting annoying already isn’t it?) . So here’s is my advice to all you short-term memory challenged would be vocalists LEARN THE WORDS, and oh yeah your voice probably sucks too, so maybe just don’t sing in general.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Ugly Babies (if only someone would tell their parents)
- Me – Really it's amazing it’s taken 8 days for me to make this list.
The Reason Is Because
“Wait, Am I going to be 29 or 30?” – my sister
- As if I needed more proof I was adopted
Dec 25, 2005
DUDE... SWEET!
I’m BAAAAAAAACK. Welcome to week 2 readers, I know this brief, two day separation from me has been difficult on you but I am here to help, to lend voice to those complaints which you have but lack the will to voice, those you don’t have, but will as soon as you finish reading and those you never will have, but should.
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – People Who Talk To Babies – Man has been reproducing for thousands of years, advancing in ways that are so wondrous that the mere conception of them was, previously, not only impracticable, it was impossible. But in all that time, with all those advancements, our communication with babies has evolved exactly this far: “Hiiiii, Hellloooo, Hiiiiii, Do you know you’re adorable? Yes you are, Yes you are.” Someone please get me a vomit bag. Seriously, can someone please explain to me why, upon being presented with a baby, a seemingly normal and intelligent human being’s brain will magically transform into babaganoush? Hello? This is what we’ve come up with? We have technology that allows us to communicate with dolphins, monkeys are communicating to humans through sign language and the best we can do for humans is Hiiiiiiiii? WE’RE DOOMED.
#2 – Political Correctness – Someone please find the guilt-ridden rich white boy responsible for Political correctness and hurt him (Note: Author is not responsible for any actions taken in response to the preceding sentence. This diatribe is not meant to promote violence against any person or organization, unless of course you happen to actually know the guy, in which case, you should totally go for it, just don’t mention my name). So here’s a little tidbit for all you P.C.’ers out there reading this (though I honestly can’t imagine how any of you are reading this blog without the acorn you call for a brain turning into the aforementioned, babaganoush), Not all black people come from Africa, the general singular pronoun is He (no, not she, he/she, or they) and the term for humanity is MANkind and oh yeah, G-d… IS A GUY (and a Yankee fan but that’s a whole other rant).
#3 – People who talk to me while I’m on the phone – Exactly what is going through your mind when you see a phone next to my ear that makes you think that this is a good time to talk to me, could it be that you’re unfamiliar with the technology and think that it’s some sort of seashell? Because that’s really the only explanation I can come up with. I know this rant deserves a more protracted analysis but I don’t think I can find any explanation for this behavior other than stupidity, so for those of you who talk to people while they’re on the phone… maybe college isn’t for you, but on the bright side the Department of Sanitation has great benefits and you get to drive a really cool truck, who knows, if you play your cards right, you might even get to honk the horn.
#4 – People Who Sing Along To Songs On The Radio, But Don’t Know All The Words – No, this is not OK, it is not cute, it is in fact the opposite of cute, it’s Roseanne, not even stomach stapled, face lifted, tummy tucked, liposuctioned Roseanne, no, it’s the fat one. So next time you get the urge to sing along to a song you’re kind of familiar with in the way I’m kind of familiar with Kiera Knightley, do us all a favor and get your face stapled shut instead. Cheers.
#5 – Dubbing Of Swearing in 80’s Rated R movies – “Yippe Ki-yay Mother (wait for it) Falcon!” What in the name of Bruce Willis is going on? Can someone please explain to me how that sentence makes any sense? Is there a fairy tale I missed in childhood? Did my mother screw up? Is “Mother Goose” not really a goose, but a bird of prey? Or is it possible, even just a little that there is someone out there, a person with actual real world power, who could have possibly thought that it was OK to replace the offensive term in the preceding quote with any word that starts with the same letter. If so Falcon you! You stupid Mother Falconing, son of a Bialy (it’s that thing that’s kind of like a bagel but the hole doesn’t go all the way through) I hope you rot in Hibiscus (it’s a plant).
Who I Like Today And I (certainly) Don’t Mean (Radio Edit)
- The People Who Brought Us Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (I don’t exactly know who the “people who brought us” includes, but they use it in commercials all the time so what the hell) – This was a very funny movie and it appears that there is going to be a sequel in the near future, let the over-hyping begin.
The Reason Is Because
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I wasn’t wearing my glasses.” I’m not going to say anything about this people I’m just going to let you listen to it yourself one more time. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you” (translation: the vibrations caused by your voice were not properly received by my auditory canal) because “I wasn’t wearing my glasses” (translation: because I am not wearing the device which alleviates my myopia). What!?
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – People Who Talk To Babies – Man has been reproducing for thousands of years, advancing in ways that are so wondrous that the mere conception of them was, previously, not only impracticable, it was impossible. But in all that time, with all those advancements, our communication with babies has evolved exactly this far: “Hiiiii, Hellloooo, Hiiiiii, Do you know you’re adorable? Yes you are, Yes you are.” Someone please get me a vomit bag. Seriously, can someone please explain to me why, upon being presented with a baby, a seemingly normal and intelligent human being’s brain will magically transform into babaganoush? Hello? This is what we’ve come up with? We have technology that allows us to communicate with dolphins, monkeys are communicating to humans through sign language and the best we can do for humans is Hiiiiiiiii? WE’RE DOOMED.
#2 – Political Correctness – Someone please find the guilt-ridden rich white boy responsible for Political correctness and hurt him (Note: Author is not responsible for any actions taken in response to the preceding sentence. This diatribe is not meant to promote violence against any person or organization, unless of course you happen to actually know the guy, in which case, you should totally go for it, just don’t mention my name). So here’s a little tidbit for all you P.C.’ers out there reading this (though I honestly can’t imagine how any of you are reading this blog without the acorn you call for a brain turning into the aforementioned, babaganoush), Not all black people come from Africa, the general singular pronoun is He (no, not she, he/she, or they) and the term for humanity is MANkind and oh yeah, G-d… IS A GUY (and a Yankee fan but that’s a whole other rant).
#3 – People who talk to me while I’m on the phone – Exactly what is going through your mind when you see a phone next to my ear that makes you think that this is a good time to talk to me, could it be that you’re unfamiliar with the technology and think that it’s some sort of seashell? Because that’s really the only explanation I can come up with. I know this rant deserves a more protracted analysis but I don’t think I can find any explanation for this behavior other than stupidity, so for those of you who talk to people while they’re on the phone… maybe college isn’t for you, but on the bright side the Department of Sanitation has great benefits and you get to drive a really cool truck, who knows, if you play your cards right, you might even get to honk the horn.
#4 – People Who Sing Along To Songs On The Radio, But Don’t Know All The Words – No, this is not OK, it is not cute, it is in fact the opposite of cute, it’s Roseanne, not even stomach stapled, face lifted, tummy tucked, liposuctioned Roseanne, no, it’s the fat one. So next time you get the urge to sing along to a song you’re kind of familiar with in the way I’m kind of familiar with Kiera Knightley, do us all a favor and get your face stapled shut instead. Cheers.
#5 – Dubbing Of Swearing in 80’s Rated R movies – “Yippe Ki-yay Mother (wait for it) Falcon!” What in the name of Bruce Willis is going on? Can someone please explain to me how that sentence makes any sense? Is there a fairy tale I missed in childhood? Did my mother screw up? Is “Mother Goose” not really a goose, but a bird of prey? Or is it possible, even just a little that there is someone out there, a person with actual real world power, who could have possibly thought that it was OK to replace the offensive term in the preceding quote with any word that starts with the same letter. If so Falcon you! You stupid Mother Falconing, son of a Bialy (it’s that thing that’s kind of like a bagel but the hole doesn’t go all the way through) I hope you rot in Hibiscus (it’s a plant).
Who I Like Today And I (certainly) Don’t Mean (Radio Edit)
- The People Who Brought Us Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (I don’t exactly know who the “people who brought us” includes, but they use it in commercials all the time so what the hell) – This was a very funny movie and it appears that there is going to be a sequel in the near future, let the over-hyping begin.
The Reason Is Because
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I wasn’t wearing my glasses.” I’m not going to say anything about this people I’m just going to let you listen to it yourself one more time. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you” (translation: the vibrations caused by your voice were not properly received by my auditory canal) because “I wasn’t wearing my glasses” (translation: because I am not wearing the device which alleviates my myopia). What!?
Dec 23, 2005
Week One Complete
Just as a piece of general information I'd like to point out to my readers I won't be posting on Fridays and Saturdays. However since I didn't spread the word in Thurday's post I'll throw out this little tidbit for the hungry masses.
WORDS THAT SHOULD BE BROUGHT BACK INTO POPULAR USAGE
- Whilst
- T'is
- T'was
- Wont (no not won't)
- Heretofore
- Sooth (as in soothsayer)
- Nay (have you ever heard it used outside of a congressional vote?)
- Verisimilitude
- Legerdemain
(OK I know the last two probably never were popularly used, but Arent they great words? If you disagree, well I should probably point out, I don't much care about your opinion.)
If there are any more words you'd like to see added to the list, post a comment on the highly Democratic comment board.
Ok that's it for now enjoy your weekend and tune in Sunday for more of what bothers me.
WORDS THAT SHOULD BE BROUGHT BACK INTO POPULAR USAGE
- Whilst
- T'is
- T'was
- Wont (no not won't)
- Heretofore
- Sooth (as in soothsayer)
- Nay (have you ever heard it used outside of a congressional vote?)
- Verisimilitude
- Legerdemain
(OK I know the last two probably never were popularly used, but Arent they great words? If you disagree, well I should probably point out, I don't much care about your opinion.)
If there are any more words you'd like to see added to the list, post a comment on the highly Democratic comment board.
Ok that's it for now enjoy your weekend and tune in Sunday for more of what bothers me.
Dec 22, 2005
SNOWBALLS IN HELL
Day 5 - Well it had to happen sooner or later, no matter how antithetical it may be to my existence, no matter how hard I've tried to ignore it, dismiss, disregard it, explain it away it away as the product of a poor choice in meals, there's simply no denying it. I'm in a good mood. As such, today's post will be different from all those that came before it. In keeping with the honest relationship and respect I have for my readers, (thank G-d you don't need to keep a straight face for typing) I will not fake my annoyance with the world, instead today's post will reflect this polar shift in disposition and for one day, the world as you all know it, will be turned upside down.
Top 5 Things That Please Me Today
#1 - Chocolate and macadamia softbaked cookies - I can't even type these words without drooling just a lil bit, not a lot mind you, but just enough to make you wonder if I might be one of the special people, in the Olympic sense.
#2- HBO on demand - I know the jury's been out on Tivo for a long time now, and while yes, it may well be the greatest invention since ESPN 8 ("The Ocho"). I don't think enough people understand just how awesome On Demand is. Let me put it in perspective for you; its like room service... for yor TV!! An internet dating service, without the inevitable mocking and shame that will soon follow. With On Demand, you can find that movie that's just right for you, On Demand... You complete me.
#3 - The Demise of Jennifer Love Hewitt's Career - I know this seems mean spirited, but there's a good reason for that, IT IS. Still, I don't care, the more flops Ms. Hewitt has the closer she gets to becoming Mrs. If I Ran The World. So here's to you the creators of "The Tuxedo" "Garfield" and "The Ghost Whisperer" keep those crappy roles in crappy movies coming.
P.S. Katie Holmes, You better hope "The Ghost Whisperer" doesn't become a hit, or the campaign against a Batman Begins sequel, begins.
#4 - The word INDEFATIGABLE - You think you know how to pronounce, but you're wrong, go look it up, you'll laugh.
#5 - Cereal for dinner - If you've tried it you don't need me to explain it, if you haven't, well, you should really stop reading for a minute and go reflect on just how empty your life must be.
Now since everything in the world of "You know what bothers me" has been reveresed Today's "Who I like Today" section will be replaced with, "THE PERSON WHO MOST DESERVES TO HAVE HIS RIGHTS TO OXYGEN REVOKED." To those of you wondering how I can do this given the overall cheery theme of today's post, the answer is simple, I said I'm in a good mood, not that I had a lobotomy, come on people, try to stay in touch with reality.
THE PERSON WHO MOST DESERVES TO HAVE HIS RIGHTS TO OXYGEN REVOKED -
- Doctor Phil -
I've heard some complaints about Dr. Phil before and I admit he bothered me a little, but after catching his show on some late night rerun my despise for him has grown, let me count the ways:
- What in the hell kind of Doctor uses his first name? The only ones I can think of are Dr. Ruth and Dr. Nick(thank you for the correction). That being said unless you want to model yourself after after an old miniature Jewish woman obssessed with sex or a cartoon Doctor who is notorious for killing people by accident, USE YOUR LAST NAME.
- How in G-D's name can you give dieting advice when you're fat? Someone please explain this to me because I have lots of advice to dispense, at a reasonable price, on how to bed Kiera Knightley.
- The Mustache - really, do I need to say anymore?
In Memoriam
Bubba Crosby - Bubba, you're fame was short-lived, you spent 2 months of winter being the hypothetical starting center fielder for the Yankees. Now, Johnny Damon's got the job and it's likely no one will ever hear your name again, that is, until you die. Not the cheeriest of eulogies I know, but then again, you kinda suck and you're names Bubba, I've got to think I'm still treating you better than your parents. Aurevoir.
Top 5 Things That Please Me Today
#1 - Chocolate and macadamia softbaked cookies - I can't even type these words without drooling just a lil bit, not a lot mind you, but just enough to make you wonder if I might be one of the special people, in the Olympic sense.
#2- HBO on demand - I know the jury's been out on Tivo for a long time now, and while yes, it may well be the greatest invention since ESPN 8 ("The Ocho"). I don't think enough people understand just how awesome On Demand is. Let me put it in perspective for you; its like room service... for yor TV!! An internet dating service, without the inevitable mocking and shame that will soon follow. With On Demand, you can find that movie that's just right for you, On Demand... You complete me.
#3 - The Demise of Jennifer Love Hewitt's Career - I know this seems mean spirited, but there's a good reason for that, IT IS. Still, I don't care, the more flops Ms. Hewitt has the closer she gets to becoming Mrs. If I Ran The World. So here's to you the creators of "The Tuxedo" "Garfield" and "The Ghost Whisperer" keep those crappy roles in crappy movies coming.
P.S. Katie Holmes, You better hope "The Ghost Whisperer" doesn't become a hit, or the campaign against a Batman Begins sequel, begins.
#4 - The word INDEFATIGABLE - You think you know how to pronounce, but you're wrong, go look it up, you'll laugh.
#5 - Cereal for dinner - If you've tried it you don't need me to explain it, if you haven't, well, you should really stop reading for a minute and go reflect on just how empty your life must be.
Now since everything in the world of "You know what bothers me" has been reveresed Today's "Who I like Today" section will be replaced with, "THE PERSON WHO MOST DESERVES TO HAVE HIS RIGHTS TO OXYGEN REVOKED." To those of you wondering how I can do this given the overall cheery theme of today's post, the answer is simple, I said I'm in a good mood, not that I had a lobotomy, come on people, try to stay in touch with reality.
THE PERSON WHO MOST DESERVES TO HAVE HIS RIGHTS TO OXYGEN REVOKED -
- Doctor Phil -
I've heard some complaints about Dr. Phil before and I admit he bothered me a little, but after catching his show on some late night rerun my despise for him has grown, let me count the ways:
- What in the hell kind of Doctor uses his first name? The only ones I can think of are Dr. Ruth and Dr. Nick(thank you for the correction). That being said unless you want to model yourself after after an old miniature Jewish woman obssessed with sex or a cartoon Doctor who is notorious for killing people by accident, USE YOUR LAST NAME.
- How in G-D's name can you give dieting advice when you're fat? Someone please explain this to me because I have lots of advice to dispense, at a reasonable price, on how to bed Kiera Knightley.
- The Mustache - really, do I need to say anymore?
In Memoriam
Bubba Crosby - Bubba, you're fame was short-lived, you spent 2 months of winter being the hypothetical starting center fielder for the Yankees. Now, Johnny Damon's got the job and it's likely no one will ever hear your name again, that is, until you die. Not the cheeriest of eulogies I know, but then again, you kinda suck and you're names Bubba, I've got to think I'm still treating you better than your parents. Aurevoir.
Dec 21, 2005
I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT
Day four – First, some administrative details, the redundancy section, “They Made Some Bad Mistakes” will now be know as “The Reason is Because” (Y.T.T. in the Hizz-ouse) and will furthermore, be a rotating column, not limited exclusively to redundancy, but covering all manners of stupid utterances. Second, those of you who have been reading the comments section are surely aware that there has been a bit of a power struggle, I want to assure my loyal readers that the coup started by some of the your inconsiderate and jealous fellow citizens will not stop me from shining the warming light of my brilliance on the rest of you. All I have to say on this matter is that the American troops are nowhere near Baghdad and I am repelling the infidel horde at this very moment. – Baghdad Bob
Top 5 (would be 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Ringtones – I know you think that having Fur Elise play every time your phone rings gives you the appearance of having an all too rare ear for the beauty of classical music, that you are from the connoisseur’s of aristocracy and good taste. IT DOESN’T. What it does mean is that you know 6 songs played on the piano by people other than Alicia Keys, Elton John, and Billy Joel. So please, do us all a favor and make it what you really want, what you yearn for, 50 cent “In Da Club” unless of course… you’re white.
#2 – People Who Make Phone calls in the Bathroom – First off, Eeeeeewwwwww. I know in the modern era people are really quite pressed for time and have to combine as many activities as possible, but I don’t think that this falls quite within the parameters of multi-tasking. Think of the word people, DEFECATION, does that sound like something you want to share with other people? I mean really what’s the thought process, hey, I’m going to be expelling noxious gasses from my rectum at possibly high decibels, oh that’s right I need to call Jerry. Think of the message you’re sending to these people, “Yeah Jerry what’s up I hadn’t spoken to you in a while, but then I started to defecate and well, I thought about you, I know, I know, I am too sweet.” NOT LIKELY! So let’s just set up a ground rule ok? If it makes me taste bile, try not to dial.
#3 – Traitors – You know who you are, you Caesar stabbing, Samson shearing, Othello deceiving, Judases (or is that Judi, like cacti). I shall not be so easily disposed of Brutus, nor so easily shorn (ok, fine, perhaps I should have left this one out) Delilah. I will not listen your sweet whispers Iago while you conspire and connive behind my back. That is right, I will have my revenge, I shall eviscerate you with obscure literary references that you may or may not get. I will call you names which may or may not be insulting depending whether the archaic definition is still relevant. I will … ok that’s pretty much it. Moving on.
#4 – People Who Use the Expression “Can I Take a Rain Check” – No. No, you may not take a rain check. There is no rain check, there never was a rain check. I think it’s safe to say the secret about rain checks is out, it means you don’t want to go. So for those of you out there who aren’t aware of this, I’ll give you one more piece of advice, we know about the Pig Latin too. So how abut you just man up and say what you really mean yoka? (that’s “Okay” in Pig Latin you fault seeking freaks).
Note: To those of you using this expression at the ticketing counter of Yankee Stadium, I’m sorry and ummm, ooops.
#5 – People Who Ask Stupid Questions –To those of you who feel the need to state facts in the form of questions, to inquire about the obvious, to just in general annoy the crap out of everyone. SHUT THE HELL UP. Yes, my tire is flat. No, I am not awake. Yes, I am watching this, that’s why its oooooon. The dumb question is and forever shall be, dumb, it’s dumbness cannot be saved or mitigated or marginalized, no, I’m sorry but prefacing a dumb question with “can I ask a dumb question?” doesn’t make your question any less dumb, it just means you’ve now asked TWO dumb questions, one of which, you are even aware of. STOP IT.
Who I Like Today and I Don’t Mean Bubba Crosby
- Johnny Damon – For those of you reading this blog not from the NY area, or even worse, not Yankee fans, you are clearly in the wrong place and should, well, die. If that doesn’t seem like something you have the courage to do to yourself, then just read the name Johnny Damon once again and let the jealousy slowly eat away at your internal organs. Cheers.
The Reason is Because
- “I’d like to say one or two words to the mayor, show us some respect” – Transit Union President – I’m sorry, but that was neither one nor two words, maybe the problem with the transit union is that they don’t understand the offers, I suggest instead of writing them down, from now on they demonstrate them by adding and subtracting apples. You have to love a country where and man who can’t count to four can get elected president.
Top 5 (would be 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Ringtones – I know you think that having Fur Elise play every time your phone rings gives you the appearance of having an all too rare ear for the beauty of classical music, that you are from the connoisseur’s of aristocracy and good taste. IT DOESN’T. What it does mean is that you know 6 songs played on the piano by people other than Alicia Keys, Elton John, and Billy Joel. So please, do us all a favor and make it what you really want, what you yearn for, 50 cent “In Da Club” unless of course… you’re white.
#2 – People Who Make Phone calls in the Bathroom – First off, Eeeeeewwwwww. I know in the modern era people are really quite pressed for time and have to combine as many activities as possible, but I don’t think that this falls quite within the parameters of multi-tasking. Think of the word people, DEFECATION, does that sound like something you want to share with other people? I mean really what’s the thought process, hey, I’m going to be expelling noxious gasses from my rectum at possibly high decibels, oh that’s right I need to call Jerry. Think of the message you’re sending to these people, “Yeah Jerry what’s up I hadn’t spoken to you in a while, but then I started to defecate and well, I thought about you, I know, I know, I am too sweet.” NOT LIKELY! So let’s just set up a ground rule ok? If it makes me taste bile, try not to dial.
#3 – Traitors – You know who you are, you Caesar stabbing, Samson shearing, Othello deceiving, Judases (or is that Judi, like cacti). I shall not be so easily disposed of Brutus, nor so easily shorn (ok, fine, perhaps I should have left this one out) Delilah. I will not listen your sweet whispers Iago while you conspire and connive behind my back. That is right, I will have my revenge, I shall eviscerate you with obscure literary references that you may or may not get. I will call you names which may or may not be insulting depending whether the archaic definition is still relevant. I will … ok that’s pretty much it. Moving on.
#4 – People Who Use the Expression “Can I Take a Rain Check” – No. No, you may not take a rain check. There is no rain check, there never was a rain check. I think it’s safe to say the secret about rain checks is out, it means you don’t want to go. So for those of you out there who aren’t aware of this, I’ll give you one more piece of advice, we know about the Pig Latin too. So how abut you just man up and say what you really mean yoka? (that’s “Okay” in Pig Latin you fault seeking freaks).
Note: To those of you using this expression at the ticketing counter of Yankee Stadium, I’m sorry and ummm, ooops.
#5 – People Who Ask Stupid Questions –To those of you who feel the need to state facts in the form of questions, to inquire about the obvious, to just in general annoy the crap out of everyone. SHUT THE HELL UP. Yes, my tire is flat. No, I am not awake. Yes, I am watching this, that’s why its oooooon. The dumb question is and forever shall be, dumb, it’s dumbness cannot be saved or mitigated or marginalized, no, I’m sorry but prefacing a dumb question with “can I ask a dumb question?” doesn’t make your question any less dumb, it just means you’ve now asked TWO dumb questions, one of which, you are even aware of. STOP IT.
Who I Like Today and I Don’t Mean Bubba Crosby
- Johnny Damon – For those of you reading this blog not from the NY area, or even worse, not Yankee fans, you are clearly in the wrong place and should, well, die. If that doesn’t seem like something you have the courage to do to yourself, then just read the name Johnny Damon once again and let the jealousy slowly eat away at your internal organs. Cheers.
The Reason is Because
- “I’d like to say one or two words to the mayor, show us some respect” – Transit Union President – I’m sorry, but that was neither one nor two words, maybe the problem with the transit union is that they don’t understand the offers, I suggest instead of writing them down, from now on they demonstrate them by adding and subtracting apples. You have to love a country where and man who can’t count to four can get elected president.
Dec 20, 2005
I'M NOT RACIST, BUT...
Welcome to day three of the rest of your lives. I'll keep the opening brief becuase today's post is quite long, for those of you reading this in class or at work, you're welcome, to the rest of you, well, you're welcome too.
Top 5 (would be 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) things that bother me today.
#1 – Rappers Who Spell Everything Phonetically – Ludacris? Xzhibit? Seriously, at what point did creative spelling become mandatory? Is there some deep seated psychological insecurity present in rappers that causes them to spell their names, albums and song titles phonetically, are they afraid that they might not be able to consistently spell ludicrous correctly? Or did they simply learn how to spell by watching MTV and remain unaware of the fact that the letter “S” is not automatically dropped at the end of a word and replaced with a “Z”.
Rant within a rant – Parents who spell their children’s ACTUAL names as weirdly as possible - Antawan, Antoine, Antwan, Antowain – pick a spelling people, exactly what happens here? The nurse comes, asks you to spell the name for the birth certificate and you decide, this is the time to distinguish your child, this is how you are going to make him special, by adding random vowels to his name. Good job mom.
#2 – Having My Customer Service Calls Transferred to India – This one goes out to Vic. I know I don’t have a degree in communications, but, last I checked when you make an 800 phone call to the customer service division of a company located in San Antonio Texas, you get connected to someone in the U.S. So the question I raise is this, How in the hell does my call end up in INDIA. Yes, I’ve figured it out “Donna” the jig (if you even know what that word means) is up. You see Andeep, Deepak and Riya, what you don’t know is that most people in San Antonio don’t speak with a colonial English accent, nor do they need to have the concept of the U.S. postal service explained to them. So let’s drop the pretense ok? How about from now, when I call, you just tell me the truth and say, “India, where your problems come to be ignored.”
#3 – Needing to Pee in the Morning – Have you ever been on vacation, known you have nothing to do, known you can sleep as long as you want, then you wake up, you look at the clock, realize you still have 2 or 3 more hours to go and try to go back to bed. You close your eyes, try to remember what you were dreaming about, try to fall back asleep and then it happens, that not so gentle pressure on your bladder. You try to ignore it, try to pretend it isn’t there, telling yourself you can hold it, pee when you get up. 5 minutes pass you’re still not asleep, the dream is long gone, you’re no longer relaxed, you’re fighting now, forcing yourself to sleep, but it won’t work, the urge gets stronger. Finally, you can’t take it anymore, you throw off the quilt, put your feet on the cold floor and acknowledge defeat. Pee, YOU BOTHER ME!
#4 – People who Don’t Return Phone Calls – You people know who you are, and so do we. You ruin plans for the night out, waste everyone’s time while you “decide” what you’re doing, and then you magically forget that it was your responsibility to call back. You’re too special to be bothered to make a phone call on your own, it's as if your fingers are too delicate to push down the buttons on a handset, it’s a wonder how you people even use a remote control.
#5 – Made-up Names – Apple, Sistine (that’s Stallone’s daughter by the way), LaToya (The Toya?), LeBron (The Bron?). What in G-d’s name are you people thinking? Do you really think this is what your child wants? To go to school for the first time and have to explain to the teacher and the class that it isn’t a joke or a nickname, no, this is my real name. Yes, when I was born my parents thought that I reminded them of a chapel, IN ROME, or of, well, FRUIT. It’s even better for the ones with names that aren’t even words. This parent is saying that their child is so special, so unique, so singularly wonderful, that the English language, or well, any other for that matter, can’t adequately encompass their extraordinary individuality. Because we all know how no two babies are alike, it’s not like anyone’s ever been given the wrong one by accident or anything…
Who I Like Today and I Don’t Mean Kiera Knightley
- Bill Simmons – ESPN.com Page 2 writer – I’m sorry, but genius such as this must be respected and shown to all. Mr. Simmons has suggested that we create new, more specific, categories for nudity on television, they are:
SN -- Standard Nudity (Note: In other words, nothing special.)
SSC -- Strong Sexual Content (Note: I'd like to keep this one as is, just because it always puts a hop in everyone's step. When I lived with my old roommate Ricky, we would always stay up late watching bad movies on our illegal cable box, and when the "SSC" tag came up, we would both start cheering -- it was like winning in BINGO or something. I miss having a roommate sometimes.)
CESC -- Career-Ending Sexual Content (Note: This covers Chloe Sevigny in "Brown Bunny" and that's about it. It's almost impossible to kill your career with a sex scene.) [Editor’s Note: He forgot Elisabeth Berkley in “Showgirls”]
UDN -- Unexpected, Delightful Nudity
(Note: This covers any scene where the nudity comes out of nowhere with someone you would never expect -- like Katie Holmes in "The Gift," Reese Witherspoon in "Twilight" or even Kelly Preston in "Mischief.")
WDN -- Wildly Disappointing Nudity. (Note: For scenes like Teri Hatcher going topless in "Heaven's Prisoners.") [Editor’s Note: This one’s for you Jake "They're real, and they're not spectacular."]
EN -- Epic Nudity (Note: For those once-in-a-lifetime performances like Natasha Henstridge's in "Species," Apollonia in "Purple Rain" or Nicole Eggert in "Blown Away." I just feel like they deserve their own category. If you've earned the "EN" tag, that's almost like getting an Oscar.)
GSN -- Gratuitous, Sweeping Nudity (Note: I like this one because you know where you stand -- you're getting nudity and lots of it. That's important information at 2 a.m.)
RGN -- Really Gross Nudity (Note: This would cover old women getting embalmed, any nudity in those autopsy shows on HBO, Kathy Bates and Diane Keaton, those "Real Sex" shows where they show some nudist colony in Germany and there are like 100 hairy naked guys standing around, and so on. Give us a heads up. It's imperative. You could probably argue that Kathy Bates deserves her own tag here -- something like "KBN" -- but whatever.)
MN -- Male Nudity (Note: That's an important one -- I need a warning if I'm going to see someone's johnson, whether I'm getting dressed in a gym or watching TV at 1:30 in the morning. If Kevin Bacon decides, "I know this isn't in the script, but I think this scene in 'Wild Things' could use a boost with my dangling member," I want to be prepared. Again, give us a heads up. I don't ask for much.)
APR -- Awful Prison Rape (Note: Classic example -- the Ed Norton scene in "American History X." Come on. Just a mere "R" for "Rape" can't possibly cover how traumatic that scene was. You stick the "APR" before the movie, I'm probably avoiding the movie.) [Editors Note: Anonymous, this one's for you]
They Made Some Bad Mistakes –
“So each of the teams wore different colors, like one was red and one was green and one was orange” Anonymous – It’s not that I enjoy picking on you, OK, so that’s not 100% true, what can I say, I’m weak.
Top 5 (would be 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) things that bother me today.
#1 – Rappers Who Spell Everything Phonetically – Ludacris? Xzhibit? Seriously, at what point did creative spelling become mandatory? Is there some deep seated psychological insecurity present in rappers that causes them to spell their names, albums and song titles phonetically, are they afraid that they might not be able to consistently spell ludicrous correctly? Or did they simply learn how to spell by watching MTV and remain unaware of the fact that the letter “S” is not automatically dropped at the end of a word and replaced with a “Z”.
Rant within a rant – Parents who spell their children’s ACTUAL names as weirdly as possible - Antawan, Antoine, Antwan, Antowain – pick a spelling people, exactly what happens here? The nurse comes, asks you to spell the name for the birth certificate and you decide, this is the time to distinguish your child, this is how you are going to make him special, by adding random vowels to his name. Good job mom.
#2 – Having My Customer Service Calls Transferred to India – This one goes out to Vic. I know I don’t have a degree in communications, but, last I checked when you make an 800 phone call to the customer service division of a company located in San Antonio Texas, you get connected to someone in the U.S. So the question I raise is this, How in the hell does my call end up in INDIA. Yes, I’ve figured it out “Donna” the jig (if you even know what that word means) is up. You see Andeep, Deepak and Riya, what you don’t know is that most people in San Antonio don’t speak with a colonial English accent, nor do they need to have the concept of the U.S. postal service explained to them. So let’s drop the pretense ok? How about from now, when I call, you just tell me the truth and say, “India, where your problems come to be ignored.”
#3 – Needing to Pee in the Morning – Have you ever been on vacation, known you have nothing to do, known you can sleep as long as you want, then you wake up, you look at the clock, realize you still have 2 or 3 more hours to go and try to go back to bed. You close your eyes, try to remember what you were dreaming about, try to fall back asleep and then it happens, that not so gentle pressure on your bladder. You try to ignore it, try to pretend it isn’t there, telling yourself you can hold it, pee when you get up. 5 minutes pass you’re still not asleep, the dream is long gone, you’re no longer relaxed, you’re fighting now, forcing yourself to sleep, but it won’t work, the urge gets stronger. Finally, you can’t take it anymore, you throw off the quilt, put your feet on the cold floor and acknowledge defeat. Pee, YOU BOTHER ME!
#4 – People who Don’t Return Phone Calls – You people know who you are, and so do we. You ruin plans for the night out, waste everyone’s time while you “decide” what you’re doing, and then you magically forget that it was your responsibility to call back. You’re too special to be bothered to make a phone call on your own, it's as if your fingers are too delicate to push down the buttons on a handset, it’s a wonder how you people even use a remote control.
#5 – Made-up Names – Apple, Sistine (that’s Stallone’s daughter by the way), LaToya (The Toya?), LeBron (The Bron?). What in G-d’s name are you people thinking? Do you really think this is what your child wants? To go to school for the first time and have to explain to the teacher and the class that it isn’t a joke or a nickname, no, this is my real name. Yes, when I was born my parents thought that I reminded them of a chapel, IN ROME, or of, well, FRUIT. It’s even better for the ones with names that aren’t even words. This parent is saying that their child is so special, so unique, so singularly wonderful, that the English language, or well, any other for that matter, can’t adequately encompass their extraordinary individuality. Because we all know how no two babies are alike, it’s not like anyone’s ever been given the wrong one by accident or anything…
Who I Like Today and I Don’t Mean Kiera Knightley
- Bill Simmons – ESPN.com Page 2 writer – I’m sorry, but genius such as this must be respected and shown to all. Mr. Simmons has suggested that we create new, more specific, categories for nudity on television, they are:
SN -- Standard Nudity (Note: In other words, nothing special.)
SSC -- Strong Sexual Content (Note: I'd like to keep this one as is, just because it always puts a hop in everyone's step. When I lived with my old roommate Ricky, we would always stay up late watching bad movies on our illegal cable box, and when the "SSC" tag came up, we would both start cheering -- it was like winning in BINGO or something. I miss having a roommate sometimes.)
CESC -- Career-Ending Sexual Content (Note: This covers Chloe Sevigny in "Brown Bunny" and that's about it. It's almost impossible to kill your career with a sex scene.) [Editor’s Note: He forgot Elisabeth Berkley in “Showgirls”]
UDN -- Unexpected, Delightful Nudity
(Note: This covers any scene where the nudity comes out of nowhere with someone you would never expect -- like Katie Holmes in "The Gift," Reese Witherspoon in "Twilight" or even Kelly Preston in "Mischief.")
WDN -- Wildly Disappointing Nudity. (Note: For scenes like Teri Hatcher going topless in "Heaven's Prisoners.") [Editor’s Note: This one’s for you Jake "They're real, and they're not spectacular."]
EN -- Epic Nudity (Note: For those once-in-a-lifetime performances like Natasha Henstridge's in "Species," Apollonia in "Purple Rain" or Nicole Eggert in "Blown Away." I just feel like they deserve their own category. If you've earned the "EN" tag, that's almost like getting an Oscar.)
GSN -- Gratuitous, Sweeping Nudity (Note: I like this one because you know where you stand -- you're getting nudity and lots of it. That's important information at 2 a.m.)
RGN -- Really Gross Nudity (Note: This would cover old women getting embalmed, any nudity in those autopsy shows on HBO, Kathy Bates and Diane Keaton, those "Real Sex" shows where they show some nudist colony in Germany and there are like 100 hairy naked guys standing around, and so on. Give us a heads up. It's imperative. You could probably argue that Kathy Bates deserves her own tag here -- something like "KBN" -- but whatever.)
MN -- Male Nudity (Note: That's an important one -- I need a warning if I'm going to see someone's johnson, whether I'm getting dressed in a gym or watching TV at 1:30 in the morning. If Kevin Bacon decides, "I know this isn't in the script, but I think this scene in 'Wild Things' could use a boost with my dangling member," I want to be prepared. Again, give us a heads up. I don't ask for much.)
APR -- Awful Prison Rape (Note: Classic example -- the Ed Norton scene in "American History X." Come on. Just a mere "R" for "Rape" can't possibly cover how traumatic that scene was. You stick the "APR" before the movie, I'm probably avoiding the movie.) [Editors Note: Anonymous, this one's for you]
They Made Some Bad Mistakes –
“So each of the teams wore different colors, like one was red and one was green and one was orange” Anonymous – It’s not that I enjoy picking on you, OK, so that’s not 100% true, what can I say, I’m weak.
Dec 19, 2005
AND THE BEATINGS GO ON
First off, welcome to day two of the campaign to get me elected, Person Who Runs the World. I know this not an actual position, right now. But, if you continue to read this post and support me, perhaps we can work something out with NATO, again, I know this isn't the entire world, but hey, at least it's got most of the important parts. Go Brooklyn.
Top 5 (would be 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) things that bother me today.
#1 – People who take up 2 parking spots - You my friends, and I use this term in its most pejorative sense, are the crap that is too crappy to be put into a hot dog, the baby too awful to be adopted by Angelina Jolie, the show too bad to be aired by UPN. You, in a word, SUCK.
#2 – People who Use Big Words But Don’t Know What They Mean - I know having people think you're smart is an attractive idea, it sounds good, rewarding even, but if you can't hit with the big boys, don't pick up a bat. Now this rant isn't directed at the people who use imply and infer as if they meant the same thing (you people are on a whole of plane of bothering me), no, this is aimed at those of you who are educated, who have been to schools where people use big words on a regular basis, and you, in your immeasurable laziness and stupidity, have decided that this is enough information for you to start using them as well. In short, GET A DICTIONARY.
#3 – People Who Pronounce Words Wrong Because They Think it Makes Them Sound Smarter (and yes, I mean you Maddona)- I know the English pronounce words differently than we do and I know they generally sound smarter than we do (candidate for person who runs the world excluded, of course), that, however, is still not an excuse for trying to sound like them. "Often" has a silent T, "mature" has a ch sound not a hard T, and "again" has a short e in the middle and does not sound like gain. DEAl WITH IT.
Rant within a rant - To the spineless nerds at Websters who added the hard T pronunciation of "often" to the acceptable pronunciations list. What's the point in knowing what all those words mean, knowing how to properly pronounce them, even coming up with a crazy new alphabet with that backwards "e" thing if youre just going to cave in the face of "people who pronounce words wrong because they think it makes the sound smart." You disappoint me.
#4 – Movie Trailers That Give Away the Entire Plot - The point of a movie trailer is, far as I can tell, to make people who see it interested in seeing the movie itself, piquing (and for those of you who fall into the realm of "Things That Bother Me Today" #2, this is not an invitation for you to start using the word "pique" indiscriminantly) their collective curiousity. It is not, however, supposed to serve as a "Cliff's Notes" version of the movie for people too cheap to spend 2 hours and $10 actually going to see it (due apologies to the twitchers among us, your ADD is not your fault, though it remains, inherently mockable).
#5 – That Screeching Thing Girls Do After Bumping Into Each Other- The only other time I've heard screeching that high pitched was watching the mating rituals of amazonian chimpanzee's on Natural Geographic. I can understand it, not condone it, but understandstand, if this "blood pouring out of my shattered eardrums shrieking" was limited to important events, like seeing your sister come back from war in Iraq or meeting your biological mother for the first time, but not for meeting your best friend, with whom you have 3 classes this semster, for the first time since, well, one the the aforementioned classes. YOU BOTHER ME.
Who I Like Today and I Don’t Mean Kiera Knightley
- Michael Ian Black - AKA that annoying guy who comments on those guilty pleasure shows on VH1 and he was on "Ed". While Mr. Black may well be, well, annoying, he has written some funny stuff, so, if you enjoy my posts, I suggest checking him out. http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/black/
They Made Some Bad Mistakes
- "So this one summer in summer camp" - Deena something or other - I know you never thought you'd be held accountable for what came out of your mouth and that you never contemplated that others might revel in your rather foolish redundancy, but well, it turns out you are and, in fact, we are.
Top 5 (would be 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) things that bother me today.
#1 – People who take up 2 parking spots - You my friends, and I use this term in its most pejorative sense, are the crap that is too crappy to be put into a hot dog, the baby too awful to be adopted by Angelina Jolie, the show too bad to be aired by UPN. You, in a word, SUCK.
#2 – People who Use Big Words But Don’t Know What They Mean - I know having people think you're smart is an attractive idea, it sounds good, rewarding even, but if you can't hit with the big boys, don't pick up a bat. Now this rant isn't directed at the people who use imply and infer as if they meant the same thing (you people are on a whole of plane of bothering me), no, this is aimed at those of you who are educated, who have been to schools where people use big words on a regular basis, and you, in your immeasurable laziness and stupidity, have decided that this is enough information for you to start using them as well. In short, GET A DICTIONARY.
#3 – People Who Pronounce Words Wrong Because They Think it Makes Them Sound Smarter (and yes, I mean you Maddona)- I know the English pronounce words differently than we do and I know they generally sound smarter than we do (candidate for person who runs the world excluded, of course), that, however, is still not an excuse for trying to sound like them. "Often" has a silent T, "mature" has a ch sound not a hard T, and "again" has a short e in the middle and does not sound like gain. DEAl WITH IT.
Rant within a rant - To the spineless nerds at Websters who added the hard T pronunciation of "often" to the acceptable pronunciations list. What's the point in knowing what all those words mean, knowing how to properly pronounce them, even coming up with a crazy new alphabet with that backwards "e" thing if youre just going to cave in the face of "people who pronounce words wrong because they think it makes the sound smart." You disappoint me.
#4 – Movie Trailers That Give Away the Entire Plot - The point of a movie trailer is, far as I can tell, to make people who see it interested in seeing the movie itself, piquing (and for those of you who fall into the realm of "Things That Bother Me Today" #2, this is not an invitation for you to start using the word "pique" indiscriminantly) their collective curiousity. It is not, however, supposed to serve as a "Cliff's Notes" version of the movie for people too cheap to spend 2 hours and $10 actually going to see it (due apologies to the twitchers among us, your ADD is not your fault, though it remains, inherently mockable).
#5 – That Screeching Thing Girls Do After Bumping Into Each Other- The only other time I've heard screeching that high pitched was watching the mating rituals of amazonian chimpanzee's on Natural Geographic. I can understand it, not condone it, but understandstand, if this "blood pouring out of my shattered eardrums shrieking" was limited to important events, like seeing your sister come back from war in Iraq or meeting your biological mother for the first time, but not for meeting your best friend, with whom you have 3 classes this semster, for the first time since, well, one the the aforementioned classes. YOU BOTHER ME.
Who I Like Today and I Don’t Mean Kiera Knightley
- Michael Ian Black - AKA that annoying guy who comments on those guilty pleasure shows on VH1 and he was on "Ed". While Mr. Black may well be, well, annoying, he has written some funny stuff, so, if you enjoy my posts, I suggest checking him out. http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/black/
They Made Some Bad Mistakes
- "So this one summer in summer camp" - Deena something or other - I know you never thought you'd be held accountable for what came out of your mouth and that you never contemplated that others might revel in your rather foolish redundancy, but well, it turns out you are and, in fact, we are.
Dec 17, 2005
LET THERE BE SARCASM
Welcome to My Blog.
Here at YOU KNOW WHAT BOTHERS ME, I will discuss those everyday occurances which make you want to rip your hair out, or, if you're like me, someone else's. The posts will be made daily, or in actuality, as often as I feel like and will consist of several categories. Today's categories are:
1) Top 5 (would be 10 but that'd just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today - If you need this category explained to you, odds are you're probably going to be covered in it at some point, and this blog isn't for you.
2) Who I like Today and I Don't Mean Kiera Knightley - In this section I will discuss the people who have recently impressed me. Please be aware, the name at the end of the category will often change and it is up to you, the reader, to decide whether or not I am being sarcastic, if you can't do this, see the explanation to category #1.
3) They Made Some Bad Mistakes - This category is dedicated my personal pet peeve, well, one of them, REDUNDANCY. Every post in this section will include a comment by someone who it would seem doesn't understand all of the words they use. Note, if you see your name attached to one of these comments odds are you need some help and, well, see the explanation to comments 1 and 2.
Top 5 (would be 10 but that'd just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Old Person Smell - Exactly how is it that all old people smell the same? It's like a combination of cheap perfume, Ben-Gay and urine, it's like you can exactually smell them decomposing. Is there some fragrance that comes cheap with an AARP card? Decomposition by Chanel, tak about an (prepare for a bad pun) EWWW de toilette
#2 - People Who Stare - This isn't so much for those of us who while spacing out end up accidentally staring at someone. No, this for for those psychos out there who after getting caught staring continue to do so, eye contact notwithstanding. You people, really bother me.
#3 - People Who Change Conversation Topics Without Warning - It's pretty easy to hold a convesation. There aren't too many rules and they shouldn't be too hard to follow, but I think the one thing we can all agree on is that you can't simply start talking about something completely unrelated to the present conversation without at least announcing you're changing the subject, is that really asking too much?
#4 - Small Talk - Do I really need to say more? Think of it this way, if you're asking a question that you find annoying to answer when asked to you, YOU'RE BOTHERING ME!
#5 - Messy babies - I understand as a person without, well, a baby, that this isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world to prevent, but c'mon people make an effort, your kids face shouldn't resemble a reject from Jackson Pollock's early experiments with food as paint.
Who I like Today and I Don't Mean Kiera Knightley
- Peter Jackson
King Kong may well have made the best movie I've seen in 10 years. I know he's kind of scruffy and hairy in a "you mean back hair isn't sexy?" kind of way, but give the man his due, even if 30% of his lunch can be located in his beard.
They Made Some Bad Mistakes:
"You know why lower crime is good, because it makes it safer" - Anonymous - due to mitigating circumstances the speaker of said statement shall be excused from embarrassment, public embarassment that is, the private shame you feel is probably going to haunt you forever. Cheers.
In Memoriam - To John Spencer (Leo McGarry) dead at 58 of a heart attack.
In a moment of rare seriousness, I'd like us all to take a minute (or however long this takes to type) and mourn the passing of a great character (perhaps person as well, but I don't know, nor do I really care about that) Leo McGarry on the West Wing. You got the fuzzy end of that lollipop my friend.
Here at YOU KNOW WHAT BOTHERS ME, I will discuss those everyday occurances which make you want to rip your hair out, or, if you're like me, someone else's. The posts will be made daily, or in actuality, as often as I feel like and will consist of several categories. Today's categories are:
1) Top 5 (would be 10 but that'd just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today - If you need this category explained to you, odds are you're probably going to be covered in it at some point, and this blog isn't for you.
2) Who I like Today and I Don't Mean Kiera Knightley - In this section I will discuss the people who have recently impressed me. Please be aware, the name at the end of the category will often change and it is up to you, the reader, to decide whether or not I am being sarcastic, if you can't do this, see the explanation to category #1.
3) They Made Some Bad Mistakes - This category is dedicated my personal pet peeve, well, one of them, REDUNDANCY. Every post in this section will include a comment by someone who it would seem doesn't understand all of the words they use. Note, if you see your name attached to one of these comments odds are you need some help and, well, see the explanation to comments 1 and 2.
Top 5 (would be 10 but that'd just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Old Person Smell - Exactly how is it that all old people smell the same? It's like a combination of cheap perfume, Ben-Gay and urine, it's like you can exactually smell them decomposing. Is there some fragrance that comes cheap with an AARP card? Decomposition by Chanel, tak about an (prepare for a bad pun) EWWW de toilette
#2 - People Who Stare - This isn't so much for those of us who while spacing out end up accidentally staring at someone. No, this for for those psychos out there who after getting caught staring continue to do so, eye contact notwithstanding. You people, really bother me.
#3 - People Who Change Conversation Topics Without Warning - It's pretty easy to hold a convesation. There aren't too many rules and they shouldn't be too hard to follow, but I think the one thing we can all agree on is that you can't simply start talking about something completely unrelated to the present conversation without at least announcing you're changing the subject, is that really asking too much?
#4 - Small Talk - Do I really need to say more? Think of it this way, if you're asking a question that you find annoying to answer when asked to you, YOU'RE BOTHERING ME!
#5 - Messy babies - I understand as a person without, well, a baby, that this isn't exactly the easiest thing in the world to prevent, but c'mon people make an effort, your kids face shouldn't resemble a reject from Jackson Pollock's early experiments with food as paint.
Who I like Today and I Don't Mean Kiera Knightley
- Peter Jackson
King Kong may well have made the best movie I've seen in 10 years. I know he's kind of scruffy and hairy in a "you mean back hair isn't sexy?" kind of way, but give the man his due, even if 30% of his lunch can be located in his beard.
They Made Some Bad Mistakes:
"You know why lower crime is good, because it makes it safer" - Anonymous - due to mitigating circumstances the speaker of said statement shall be excused from embarrassment, public embarassment that is, the private shame you feel is probably going to haunt you forever. Cheers.
In Memoriam - To John Spencer (Leo McGarry) dead at 58 of a heart attack.
In a moment of rare seriousness, I'd like us all to take a minute (or however long this takes to type) and mourn the passing of a great character (perhaps person as well, but I don't know, nor do I really care about that) Leo McGarry on the West Wing. You got the fuzzy end of that lollipop my friend.
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