I LOVE TUESDAY

I have been wondering for some time when I would run out of things to say about the world, that is, how long it would take until I had exhausted the cellars of my annoyance. While that day is not today, I do feel that it is required of me, as it is of all men with readership measuring in near double digits, to at the very least pause every so often and reflect on important and pressing issues facng the world. Today’s issue is going to be “Why Girls Will Find Any Guy Attractive As Long As He’s In a Band Or Movies” No, that’s not good, we all know the answer to that, GOOOOOLDIGGER! Today’s issue will then be, “Why Women Hate Each Other But Never Admit To It.” No, that’s no good either, the reason for that is simple too, there’s only one “me” to go around and Kiera just isn’t into sharing, because as well all know, sharing means less.
Well, seeing as there are apparently no pressing issues to attend to, I will part the clouds of your depression and shine the light that is today’s:

Top 5 (would be something else but it seems I’ve solved all the other mysteries in the universe) Things That Bother Me Today.

#1 People who talk about your parents getting it on – For a society to function in it’s intended fashion I think there are certain rules that we all must agree on, a social contract if you will, and term number one in this contract is not talking about someone’s parents having sex, EVER. Or as John Locke put it “Ye shall never discuss nay in public nor in private the affaires of ye friend’s olde parents doing the nasty” (that’s a direct quote by the way, call me if you’d like the cite). Whole civilizations have crumbled from the violation of this core principle: the Mayans, gone, the Incas, gone, Atlantis, apparently someone told the plumber he saw his parents “rocking the boat” and he cracked a water main. So next time you plan on making a funny about someone’s parents, just remember, you may be talking to a plumber or even worse a lawyer.

#2 Old people with driving licenses – Originally this was just going to read “old people” but after some consultation with various militias and right wing terrorists organizations it would seem mass euthanasia is not an option. As such, I instead propose revoking the license of anyone over the age of 68 (this may seem like an odd number to you but I think its logical, 70 is too old, and if I said 69 there would inevitably be someone too immature not start laughing, you know who you are). As a general rule I propose this three prong test: If you check your diaper more often than your oil, you shouldn’t drive; If your teeth are newer that your car, you shouldn’t drive; and if your glasses come with an “objects in glasses are closer than they appear” sticker on them, YOU SHOULDN’T DRIVE. By the way, if any one reading this actually can do something about the “old people problem,” call me with an estimate.

#3 People who start telling you a story then remember they promised not to, and don’t finish – You should know by the way, this is how the Holocaust started. Hitler was drunk in a bar in Austria on night and he started talking this reporter for the New York Times about how he was going to kill all the Jews and take over the world but then he made the guy promise not to tell anyone and instead of printing the whole story his article read only “Hitler said something about the Jews but I can’t say what because I kind of promised not to tell.” So for all you Nazi loving story non-finishers, just remember, the lives of 6 million dead Jews are on your heads.
Author’s Note: The above story is totally true
Editor’s Note: Author is not responsible for any farfetched conspiracy or the falsification of historical events.

#4 Getting stuck in the bathroom without reading material – (This one goes out to the men) This affliction may well be so annoying that it defies description, words alone cannot express the torture, the boredom, the sheer wastefulness of the time spent in the John without a newspaper Sports Illustrated or other magazines which shall remain nameless. So I say this to every wife, maid, live-in girlfriend, cleaning lady and mother out there, PLEASE, in the name of all that is good and holy, leave me something! How else can we hide from you for and hour and a half?

#5 Losing my virginity to Kiera Knightley – OK that one doesn’t really bother me, but I like saying it often as possible.

Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Open Minded Lesbians
On second thought, yes I do. You make the world a happier place. “Open Minded Lesbians for Congress” (as long as they don’t want to get married of course).

The Reason Is Because
“I’ve faced a lot of diversity” – Drew Gooden, Forward, Orlando Magic
Thank you Drew for demonstrating once again why it is bad for relatives to impregnate each other.