THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE

The staggering success of this website and, more particularly, the popularity of "The Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today" has led to an outpouring of complaints that you readers have with the world. In keeping with my personal philosophy of voicing these complaints, I have decided to dedicate Wednesdays column to reader submissions, to allow you to vent the frustration you suffer because of the idiots of the world, so, without further ado, here they are, your complaints.
[Editor's Note: The names of the complainants have been withheld to protect them from their often violent, sometimes mysoginistic and occasionally stupid, wishes.]

#1 - People who don't know how to drive - This includes rubber-neckers, people who drive slowly, people who put on their blinker and then don't turn, people who stop while the light is green, people who don't know how to drive in anything other than sunshine, people who stop at every crossing street because they don't know where they're going... (I could go on, but then I'd get angry). And to be quite honest, people who don't know how to drive should be shot in the leg. If you can't follow both the written and unwritten laws of the road, DON'T DRIVE!! I know I have no patience and I am easily frustrated by this, but still, come on. Do us all a favor and STAY IN THE [Falconing] HOUSE!!! [Editor's Note: I would not suggest spending much time alone in a car with the above complainant, unless of course you don't mind feeling hot lead tear through your femoral artery. Cheers.]

#2 - Holiday shoppers - Holiday shoppers are the worst kind of shoppers. They bring the whole damn family along, so they take up the entire aisle. They stop to look at everything and it takes forever to get around them. It makes me mad. Hurumph [Editor's Note: I hate holiday shoppers too, though it appears I don't hate children or families nearly as much as complainant, kudos, the world needs more people who are disgusted by babies and families.]

#3 - People who walk slowly [Editor's Note: Especially people who walk slowly with an entire family, taking up the entire side of the street with their carriages and small children, forcing you to walk at their impossibly slow pace or to walk through the wet dog poop filled grass.]

#4 - People who stand in front of the doors on the subway or bus when there is plenty of room in the middle - [Editor's Note: Sure they can stand somewhere else, but no, they've decided that making it impossible for you to get on the bus/subway is the best course of action.]

#5 - Road tests and driving manuals, in Mexico all you need to do is drive up to a stand give them 450 pesos and a picture and you have your license. [Editor's Note: Nothing that happens in Mexico hould ever be used as an example of "the better way" it really just is oxymoronic, sorry Paco :-).]

#6 - Jennifer Love Hewitt not being cast in Wild Things

#7 - People who still think about Wild Things

#8 - The rhyming of bread and bed [Editor's Note: not a particulary good complaint mind you]

#9 - Fat women at the gym - [Editor's Note: Editor is not at all suggesting that only hot women should be at co-ed gyms and that when there, they exist only to serve as eye candy to the men working out there. Furthermore, editor is not implying that fat women should just give up on losing weight and resign themselves to a life of hopeless and interminable loneliness, suicide is always an option.]

#10 - People who are easily offended by jokes [Editor's Note: especially suicidal fat women].

I hope you've all enjoyed the complaints of your fellow readers and that this column can become a weekly occurance, so keep posting on the comment board or emailing me your observations.