IN THE LAND OF BLIND MEN, MASTURBATION IS PROBABLY AN ISSUE

Happy New Year Readers.  After doing some research I've discovered that this blog wasn't active last New Years season or in 2007, and well for that matter while it was active in 2006 I didn't actually do a post on it, so while this post isn't actually a blog tradition, its still a pretty good idea and those are rare for me most Mondays.  So I give 2010's first list:

TOP 5 NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS TO AVOID

#5 - Don't resolve use your gym membership - You can resolve to join a gym, I think that's a perfectly reasonable use of the money you were going to give to charity. Going to the gym and actually using the machines, however, seems like it might be biting off more than you can chew. I mean it is, in actuality, three resolutions. First, joining the gym, then getting undressed, redressed and venturing out into the cold, then, once you get there, leaving the smoothie stand and, you know, pushing machines across the floor, or whatever it is people do in gyms.

#4- Don't resolve to learn a new language.  First, you won't.  I'm not calling you stupid (today).  I'm just being honest with you.  Unless you're moving to a new country where they speak said language, or you just came back from vacation from said country with a walking talking fornicating souvenir you will lose interest in your new hobby.  It will begin to feel like work and you'll ask yourself why you're working in your free time.  You'll ask yourself what possible upside there is for you in all of this anyway.  You can't afford to go on vacation to anywhere where they speak the language and you don't know anyone here who does speak it, well there's that person at work and sure you could talk to her in some other language, but she already speaks English, and besides she talks too damn much as it is! Unfortunately, before all this happens, you'll think learning a new language is so interesting that you'll feel absolutely compelled, as if by the almighty hand of God Himself, to share all the little "fascinating" factoids you come across on your journey to failing at your resolution.

#3- Don't promise yourself you'll finish your book this year.  Honestly, haven't you disappointed yourself enough already?

#2- Don't resolve to do something everyone wants anyway.  That isn't a resolution.  It doesn't count.  We all want to stay healthy.  We all want  to make more money or 'be in a better place next year'  Unless you have a plan for accomplishing any of the above we're just going to go ahead and call them wishes. Mkay?  Though I'll tell you what you can  resolve to do.  You can resolve to have better wishes next year.  What? You've never heard of superpowers?  Eye lasers have no appeal to you?  Do you even have a pulse?

#1- Don't become more emotionally open and available. The world is a cold hard place populated by people who make fun of the elderly and mentally deficient (why is everyone looking at me?). It is a place where a textlogue can turn your favorite friendship into an acid tipped knife that rotates in your gut with metronomic disinterest. You are trading safety and, at worst, mild discontentment for disappointment and rotating gut-knife pain. This alone should probably be reason enough for you not resolve to fill up the moat around your feelings, but since some of you are stubborn I'll mention this as well. Even if everything works out and your openness doesn't allow for the sacking of your emotional castle, it's still really annoying for everyone else who has to listen to you. At most, and most of you aren't this lucky, there are two people in this world who want you to share more, everyone else is on their knees praying hoping you have the decency to limit yourself to "not bad" when they ask "how's it going?". How about resolving to cut them all a break instead?

P.S. No, the title has nothing to do with this post but it popped in my head and I didn't want to forget it.