So I was watching TV last night (and well, all the others) when a commercial for Mercedes-Benz came on. I know what you're thinking, "You watched a commercial? Is it the Superbowl already?" No, it's not, but, every once in a while, I like to eschew the use of my DVR and travel back to a simpler time, like say 2006 and watch commercials like the pilgrims did. Anyway, unlike most car commercials which tend to blur into faceless melange of 34 highway MPG and 0% APR financing for people who have enough money not to need it, this one caught my attention and by the end of the 30 second spot I was officially (I don't know that I could tell you how this differs from unofficially, maybe it's notarized.) offended.
Now don't get me wrong, I think they make quite the attractive car -- its the walnut burlwood on the interior that seals it for me -- though, in reality, I think, for the most part, people buy a Mercedes because it's expensive and everyone knows it. There's nothing wrong with that of course, if I had the money I'd arrange for a machine to make it rain every time I walked into a room. Still, a commercial is a sales pitch, so let's call a spade an undersized shovel, shall we?
Given that premise, you'd assume that ad agency hired to sell you a Mercedes would make use of this knowledge. I imagine slow languorous shots of blond maple wood grain would be involved, a bunch of people at the valet stand staring at you jealously as you climb into your Mercedes, maybe an impossibly beautiful woman going Anna-Nicole Smith on an old dude, you get the picture. Instead, this commercial went a completely different way, safety(I don't know why I'm shocked I mean who wouldn't feel safe putting their lives in the hands of the Germans?). It touted crash tests, reinforced cages, airbags in the trunk for your kidnap victims, a hydrogen peroxide dispenser to neutralize infection in case you get a paper-cut while counting your money, a digital face mask so that your more unfortunate relatives won't be able to recognize you and hit you up for cash at red lights and, I believe, brakes.
These are all well and good, necessary even if the trailer park's in walking distance to major roadways, but the part that really twisted my sheets (Note to self: I really will have to get into that whole top sheet thing sometime, it's like a Chinese finger puzzle in there) was the tag line. After spending all that time going on about how safe their cars are the announcer says: "Given all this, the question isn't 'can you afford to drive a Mercedes Benz?', but whether you can afford not to."
Apparently, the people at Mercedes Benz think so highly of their car that if you don't buy one, you clearly don't respect the lives of your passengers. It's true. In their minds, if you ask a girl out on a date, swing by her place to pick her up and she comes out to see you in a Lexus, she would be completely within her rights to hit you in the face with a pitching wedge (Sorry, Tiger). If you have kids,the good lawyers of Mercedes would advise them to seek early emancipation, or to perhaps call Angelina Jolie and ask if she's got any room left because you clearly don't love them. Your wife should, of course, leave you and offer her services to any man with a Mercedes. Now, obviously, there are more people who need to get around in cars than there are Mercedes owners so, it stands to reason, the good people at Mercedes think it's OK for Mercedes' owners to be polygamous and, if they aren't the committing type, to start their own harems. (Little know fact, Utah leads the nation in Mercedes ownership. Kidding.). After all, safety first.
It's the way the announcer says "not" too that gets to me. He's not just asking if you can afford not to but a Mercedes, he's accusing us of coming to the wrong conclusion. It's as if he's read your mind and knows that you've looked at your yearly income, factored in your expenses and decided to eat this year instead of buying a Mercedes and he's asking if you've really thought it through and if so, and somehow you still decided not to buy one, perhaps you need to talk it over with someone a little smarter than you. You know what Mercedes, I have a question for you, have you ever heard of Volvo!?
Showing posts with label Commercials. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Commercials. Show all posts
Dec 16, 2009
WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE AND WHEREFORE
I know it's bad form to follow a post criticizing The Stupid, with one poor about poor grammar, but the two are closely related and really, since when has bad form ever stopped me? I was in my car the other day when I heard a Visa commercial that epitomized exactly what I'd been railing about with The Stupid. The commercial, in short, is about Romeo and Juliet, only in this case there's no Romeo.
Juliet calls out "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" and receives no response. Now, despite being one of literature's most romantic characters it would appear Juliet was a bit of a shrew, because when Romeo doesn't answer she repeats in a tone of voice clearly meant to imply that suicide or not he won't be getting a kiss goodnight, "Romeo? Wherefore art thou?" Apparently this is also taking part in a forest because now you can hear Juliet stomping through the Bush so maybe they've moved the play from Verona to the Australian Outback, I don't know, but after ignoring her the first two times, she's clearly lost patience with the man who'd she'd rather die than live without and growls, "Romeo!"
At this point the annoyingly saccharine announcer dude who's been doing these "Priceless" commercials since what feels like the Clinton Administration comes on and says something along the lines of; "Maglite flashlight $25. Always being able to find your Romeo? Priceless." Now ignoring the fact that anyone who pays for love with a credit card probably won't stay Governor of New York all that long, this commercial is still stupid. Do you know why? Of course you do, still, I'll tell you. It's because 'Wherefore' doesn't mean 'where?', it means 'why?' 'As in where is the reason for?' This is something you learn in ninth grade. It's not possible that the people who wrote this commercial didn't know what 'wherefore meant'. It's just not! They knew what it meant and they said, screw it, most people are stupid and think it means 'where'.
Visa commercial writer people, I hate you.
Still, they aren't the only ones. Microsoft, the home of nerds the world over is guilty of pandering too. You'd think a company that for decades has treated the term 'user friendly' the way David Hasselhoff treats O'Douls (Congratulations David you've finally made it into the blog, you should know, I was going to use Lindsey Lohan, but I decided you were the more pathetic fall-down drunk. You should be proud of this moment. Call your mom, just remember, you can't actually talk to her through your watch.).
Now, in their rush to compete with Apple, Microsoft is chasing after The Stupid, touting their user friendliness and, it would seem, dropping any and all pretense that their machine requires a modicum of intelligence. The print ad is for Microsoft 7 (apparently in pandering to The Stupid they also decided it was best to use as simple a name as possible, really? Vista was too big a word?), it's a billboard which reads: "I asked for less clicks, I got less clicks." Something sounds wrong right? I'll tell you what's wrong it's FEWER clicks. Look I can explain why this is wrong, or you can take my word for it. I sugesst you take my word before I devolve into a letcure about adjective noun agreement. Just know this, the good people at Microsoft, the people who invented the little green squigly line that pops up under less when I typed 'less clicks' in this friggin' post know it's fewer, they know and they said screw it, less sounds more populist.
Now I ask you, who's left to pander to us? Quick, someone get me my Visa card!
Juliet calls out "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" and receives no response. Now, despite being one of literature's most romantic characters it would appear Juliet was a bit of a shrew, because when Romeo doesn't answer she repeats in a tone of voice clearly meant to imply that suicide or not he won't be getting a kiss goodnight, "Romeo? Wherefore art thou?" Apparently this is also taking part in a forest because now you can hear Juliet stomping through the Bush so maybe they've moved the play from Verona to the Australian Outback, I don't know, but after ignoring her the first two times, she's clearly lost patience with the man who'd she'd rather die than live without and growls, "Romeo!"
At this point the annoyingly saccharine announcer dude who's been doing these "Priceless" commercials since what feels like the Clinton Administration comes on and says something along the lines of; "Maglite flashlight $25. Always being able to find your Romeo? Priceless." Now ignoring the fact that anyone who pays for love with a credit card probably won't stay Governor of New York all that long, this commercial is still stupid. Do you know why? Of course you do, still, I'll tell you. It's because 'Wherefore' doesn't mean 'where?', it means 'why?' 'As in where is the reason for?' This is something you learn in ninth grade. It's not possible that the people who wrote this commercial didn't know what 'wherefore meant'. It's just not! They knew what it meant and they said, screw it, most people are stupid and think it means 'where'.
Visa commercial writer people, I hate you.
Still, they aren't the only ones. Microsoft, the home of nerds the world over is guilty of pandering too. You'd think a company that for decades has treated the term 'user friendly' the way David Hasselhoff treats O'Douls (Congratulations David you've finally made it into the blog, you should know, I was going to use Lindsey Lohan, but I decided you were the more pathetic fall-down drunk. You should be proud of this moment. Call your mom, just remember, you can't actually talk to her through your watch.).
Now, in their rush to compete with Apple, Microsoft is chasing after The Stupid, touting their user friendliness and, it would seem, dropping any and all pretense that their machine requires a modicum of intelligence. The print ad is for Microsoft 7 (apparently in pandering to The Stupid they also decided it was best to use as simple a name as possible, really? Vista was too big a word?), it's a billboard which reads: "I asked for less clicks, I got less clicks." Something sounds wrong right? I'll tell you what's wrong it's FEWER clicks. Look I can explain why this is wrong, or you can take my word for it. I sugesst you take my word before I devolve into a letcure about adjective noun agreement. Just know this, the good people at Microsoft, the people who invented the little green squigly line that pops up under less when I typed 'less clicks' in this friggin' post know it's fewer, they know and they said screw it, less sounds more populist.
Now I ask you, who's left to pander to us? Quick, someone get me my Visa card!
Jan 4, 2008
SPELT
Good (enter part of day at time you're reading this) readers,
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#4 - The Restaurant at the Holocaust Museum in downtown Manhattan - OK I get it, people come to the museum,they spend the day there contemplating how awful man can be, and despite the horrors they are exposed to they can't help being hungry, so you serve food, fine, I can understand that, my question is how do you do takeout and delivery!? How do you even answer the phone? "Holocaust museum, can I take your order?"
#3 - Power Cords - How is it that we don't have a universal power cord yet? I think I have about thirty-five power cords and adapters stashed throughout my home. I don't know what they power or adapt, but I'm afraid to throw them out nonetheless, on the off chance I'll discover what it is they go with. This, despite the fact I probably have more plugs than outlets by now. It's sad how much power they have over me, mocking me with their uselessness, their laziness, their ability to sit there unmolested, safe in the knowledge that I will never be able to rid myself of them. Thinking about it, they have my dream job. By the way if anyone does invent a universal power cord, you owe me half!
#2 - Synchronized commercials - For those of you amateur TV watchers out there, pay attention, you'll learn something. You know how when you're watching TV you have to have an alternate channel? You have the show you're watching and when it goes to commercial you have your alternate to keep you entertained. It's a beautiful system, I've been using it for years. I've even worn the writing of the 'last channel' button on my remote. Everything was going along swimmingly, then some 3825-head at the network decides that his show loses too many viewers during commercials and he decides to synchronize his show, with the show your watching, and so the rest follow like evangelicals to Mike Huckabee, until you get to a point where, when your show goes to commercial, so does every other station.
#1 - Multiple spellings - Insure, ensure; Enquire, inquire; Theatre, theater - What the 3825? How did this happen? Did someone just say, "ah what the hell 'I' and 'E' are both vowels let em use whichever one they want. " Or, "they have all the right letters, is order really that important?" Yes! Yes it is, and don't even get me started on the difference between emigrant and immigrant!
#3 - Power Cords - How is it that we don't have a universal power cord yet? I think I have about thirty-five power cords and adapters stashed throughout my home. I don't know what they power or adapt, but I'm afraid to throw them out nonetheless, on the off chance I'll discover what it is they go with. This, despite the fact I probably have more plugs than outlets by now. It's sad how much power they have over me, mocking me with their uselessness, their laziness, their ability to sit there unmolested, safe in the knowledge that I will never be able to rid myself of them. Thinking about it, they have my dream job. By the way if anyone does invent a universal power cord, you owe me half!
#2 - Synchronized commercials - For those of you amateur TV watchers out there, pay attention, you'll learn something. You know how when you're watching TV you have to have an alternate channel? You have the show you're watching and when it goes to commercial you have your alternate to keep you entertained. It's a beautiful system, I've been using it for years. I've even worn the writing of the 'last channel' button on my remote. Everything was going along swimmingly, then some 3825-head at the network decides that his show loses too many viewers during commercials and he decides to synchronize his show, with the show your watching, and so the rest follow like evangelicals to Mike Huckabee, until you get to a point where, when your show goes to commercial, so does every other station.
#1 - Multiple spellings - Insure, ensure; Enquire, inquire; Theatre, theater - What the 3825? How did this happen? Did someone just say, "ah what the hell 'I' and 'E' are both vowels let em use whichever one they want. " Or, "they have all the right letters, is order really that important?" Yes! Yes it is, and don't even get me started on the difference between emigrant and immigrant!
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