AND I SHALL HAVE MY VENGENCE, IN THIS WORLD OR THE NEXT

Boo! (As you can see I'm running out of new ways to start our little chats) Now that I have your attention, if not your respect, I'd like to welcome you back to work. I myself have worked on MLKJD so you'll forgive me if I'm ahead of you when it comes to midweek bitterness. That being said there are a few things I'd like to talk about today and I think, Monday off or not, even the vacationed among (or is it amongst? Is there a rule about when you use one or the other, like with 'who' and 'whom' or is it more like 'while' v. 'whilst?') you will agree that something needs to be done.

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#5 - People who add '-gate' as a suffix any time there's a political scandal - I may only be 25 (Shut up! I feel 25. Except in the mornings, then I feel like 35 ,or after 10pm, or after a workout, or when I think about working out, OK so I'm 27, happy?), but I think I'm educated enough to know that Watergate was a pretty big deal for this country and for the newspaper/journalism business itself. That being said, don't you think it's time to let it go? Forget for a moment that it doesn't actually even make any sense ("Monica-gate?" "Hanging Chad-gate"), it's just so uninventive, it's like hiring girls in bikini's to sell cars. Wait, no, that's genius, never mind, bad example. It's like comparing every mean or authoritarian personality to Hitler, oh wait we do that too? I give up, go ahead and use it, in fact, you can call this, Blog-gate. Two g's.

#4 - People who are still reading 'The Da Vinci Code' - Really? are you just discovering Seinfeld too? When the movie your book is based on is already closer to a sequel than it is the second DVD release it's time to move on. You missed the boat! Jesus and Mary Magdalene were married, the Virgin Mary was actually a Bloody Mary and 'Holy F*cking Christ' is now both cathartic and accurate.


#3 - People who read over your shoulder on the Subway - You know those people who decide they don't need a newspaper in the morning, but as soon as they sit or stand next to you on the bus or subway are all of a sudden engrossed in yours? Yeah, I don't like them.

#2 - Greeting cards - How is this a multi-billion dollar a year industry? Why have we as a culture come to the point where we demand that our loved ones, friends and co-workers deliver hackneyed, unoriginal, sappy, unctuous, insincere messages written by other people on what is supposedly a special occasion? Oh, you mean you actually mean those things they write in those cards? I'm, the only one who's insincere? Well, it's still sappy unoriginal and hackneyed. What's really annoying though, is when people write stuff in the card. Was the original message you paid $3.95 for not what you meant? Why not just buy a blank card, or for that matter, if you really need to write something below the processed junk make it, "see above".

#1 - Vengeful Urinals - I don't think this will resonate much with my female audience, Hi Mom, but it needs to be addressed nonetheless. Have you ever used a urinal, put your junk away, flushed and then looked down at your pants, only to see that your once unblemished gabardine has been defiled by urinal spittle? It's like they're offended by being peed on. I'm reasonably certain if the urinal possessed the ability to talk it would say, after spraying, "How do you like it!?"

Finally I'd just like to congratulate the NY Football Giants on reaching Superbowl XXLMIIGZYB. But, before we get too carried away and start calling them heroes or role models, I'd like to bring a quote from star wide receiver Plaxico Burress to your attention.

When asked about his new found maturity on the field this year Burress responded by saying:

"I finally realized I'm human."

Only took him 30 years folks.