Seeing as how January 1st is the official day for people to make promises to themselves that they can never keep I have, in my unparalleled generosity, provided you with a new promise you can make to yourself. Read my blog. So, aside from the fact that it’s easier to keep your resolution to read than it is to lose 20 pounds, here they are:
The Top 10 Reasons To Read This Blog (and stay fat)
#10 – Schadenfreude – look it up
#9 – So you can steal my material and pretend you’re funny
#8 – So you can catch people trying to pass off my material as their own in an attempt to appear funny
#7 – Because everyone should learn how to hate
#6 – Because you’re too cheap to buy a insider membership to espn.com
#5 – Wouldn’t it suck if I was making fun of you and you were the only one not to know?
#4 –Because my ego isn’t big enough... yet
#3 – Because no one should be totally happy
#2 – Because you are exactly that bored
#1 – You just aren’t this funny
Dec 31, 2005
Dec 29, 2005
ITS ALREADY BEEN BRUNG
I was supposed to go skiing today. It is raining. I am not skiing. This bothers me. So to all you dumb question asking, radio sing alonging, bathroom dialing, suicidal fat women, I say this, BRING IT ON. If you think a little praying for rain is going to stop me, you, my living reasons for keeping abortions legal, are sorely mistaken. With this in mind, here they are:
Today’s Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Rain – You, Rain, annoy me, I am not hard to please, but rain, you are absolutely useless to me. Has school ever been cancelled for rain? Can you play baseball in the rain? Has rain ever made for a solid excuse to get out of doing anything annoying? I think not. So here’s an idea, how about you don’t rain anymore? I know there might be a farmer or two who thinks this is a bit extreme and unfair and to them I say, piss off some dumb question asking, radio sing alonging, bathroom dialing, suicidal fat women and I guarantee you’ll be your own personal Seattle (it rains alot there).
#2 – Sports That Need Judges – Memo: If a sport requires a group of fat old men and women who are unable to play it, to decide who has won and who has lost, it is not a sport. If you can’t figure out simply by watching who won and who lost, it isn’t a game, it’s modern dance. So to the people who call figure skating, gymnastics and snowboard trick jumping a sport, I ask you this, didn’t you get the memo (I reaaaaaally liked Batman Begins)?
#3 – Modern Dance – I’ve never seen it, don’t know anyone who has seen it and probably never will, but somehow I’m relatively sure, I hate it. If you think the gyrating human body is supposed to communicate a message other than the one which has been mastered by horny monkeys, your parents probably wasted a crapload of money on your education. On the bright side, at least you’re not a mime, oh no, YOU ARE.
#4 – The Popped Collar – The collar has been in existence in its folded down state for approximately 200 years yet you, you Abercrombie & Fitch wearing, American Eagle shopping, sunglasses on top of your head wearing, metal defectives, have decided that you are going to buck the trend, shrug the weight of 200 years of conventional wisdom and walk around like Elvis. Accordingly, I have another unconventional idea for you to try, why don’t you crawl into a dark, wet, slimy hole and die, just a suggestion.
#5 – Viewer Discretion is Advised – Do the people who make those stupid little “Viewer Discretion is Advised” notices even understand what the word discretion means? In case one of them is reading I’ll provide that information free of charge. Dis·cre·tion n. The ability or power to decide responsibly or the freedom to act or judge on one's own. Thus my question to you is, do you think that we don’t have the freedom to watch your show? Do you think that once we sit down in front of the TV and turn it on some magical mystical force will prevent us from being able to pick up the remote and changing the channel? If that’s the case, I’d start polishing that resume, I have a hunch you might need it.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Miguel Cairo
The guy who created this site – http://mapage.noos.fr/qoo/Quorum1.htm
If you’re angry enough to actually create a website bashing the bums in front of your building, which the bums pissing you off will never read, you’re good in my book.
The Reason Is Because
Me: Mom this food is delicious
Mom: Do you like it?
Apparently she thought I was making use of the rare and non-existent secondary definition of the word "delicious".
Today’s Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Rain – You, Rain, annoy me, I am not hard to please, but rain, you are absolutely useless to me. Has school ever been cancelled for rain? Can you play baseball in the rain? Has rain ever made for a solid excuse to get out of doing anything annoying? I think not. So here’s an idea, how about you don’t rain anymore? I know there might be a farmer or two who thinks this is a bit extreme and unfair and to them I say, piss off some dumb question asking, radio sing alonging, bathroom dialing, suicidal fat women and I guarantee you’ll be your own personal Seattle (it rains alot there).
#2 – Sports That Need Judges – Memo: If a sport requires a group of fat old men and women who are unable to play it, to decide who has won and who has lost, it is not a sport. If you can’t figure out simply by watching who won and who lost, it isn’t a game, it’s modern dance. So to the people who call figure skating, gymnastics and snowboard trick jumping a sport, I ask you this, didn’t you get the memo (I reaaaaaally liked Batman Begins)?
#3 – Modern Dance – I’ve never seen it, don’t know anyone who has seen it and probably never will, but somehow I’m relatively sure, I hate it. If you think the gyrating human body is supposed to communicate a message other than the one which has been mastered by horny monkeys, your parents probably wasted a crapload of money on your education. On the bright side, at least you’re not a mime, oh no, YOU ARE.
#4 – The Popped Collar – The collar has been in existence in its folded down state for approximately 200 years yet you, you Abercrombie & Fitch wearing, American Eagle shopping, sunglasses on top of your head wearing, metal defectives, have decided that you are going to buck the trend, shrug the weight of 200 years of conventional wisdom and walk around like Elvis. Accordingly, I have another unconventional idea for you to try, why don’t you crawl into a dark, wet, slimy hole and die, just a suggestion.
#5 – Viewer Discretion is Advised – Do the people who make those stupid little “Viewer Discretion is Advised” notices even understand what the word discretion means? In case one of them is reading I’ll provide that information free of charge. Dis·cre·tion n. The ability or power to decide responsibly or the freedom to act or judge on one's own. Thus my question to you is, do you think that we don’t have the freedom to watch your show? Do you think that once we sit down in front of the TV and turn it on some magical mystical force will prevent us from being able to pick up the remote and changing the channel? If that’s the case, I’d start polishing that resume, I have a hunch you might need it.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Miguel Cairo
The guy who created this site – http://mapage.noos.fr/qoo/Quorum1.htm
If you’re angry enough to actually create a website bashing the bums in front of your building, which the bums pissing you off will never read, you’re good in my book.
The Reason Is Because
Me: Mom this food is delicious
Mom: Do you like it?
Apparently she thought I was making use of the rare and non-existent secondary definition of the word "delicious".
Dec 28, 2005
THE VOICE OF THE PEOPLE
The staggering success of this website and, more particularly, the popularity of "The Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today" has led to an outpouring of complaints that you readers have with the world. In keeping with my personal philosophy of voicing these complaints, I have decided to dedicate Wednesdays column to reader submissions, to allow you to vent the frustration you suffer because of the idiots of the world, so, without further ado, here they are, your complaints.
[Editor's Note: The names of the complainants have been withheld to protect them from their often violent, sometimes mysoginistic and occasionally stupid, wishes.]
#1 - People who don't know how to drive - This includes rubber-neckers, people who drive slowly, people who put on their blinker and then don't turn, people who stop while the light is green, people who don't know how to drive in anything other than sunshine, people who stop at every crossing street because they don't know where they're going... (I could go on, but then I'd get angry). And to be quite honest, people who don't know how to drive should be shot in the leg. If you can't follow both the written and unwritten laws of the road, DON'T DRIVE!! I know I have no patience and I am easily frustrated by this, but still, come on. Do us all a favor and STAY IN THE [Falconing] HOUSE!!! [Editor's Note: I would not suggest spending much time alone in a car with the above complainant, unless of course you don't mind feeling hot lead tear through your femoral artery. Cheers.]
#2 - Holiday shoppers - Holiday shoppers are the worst kind of shoppers. They bring the whole damn family along, so they take up the entire aisle. They stop to look at everything and it takes forever to get around them. It makes me mad. Hurumph [Editor's Note: I hate holiday shoppers too, though it appears I don't hate children or families nearly as much as complainant, kudos, the world needs more people who are disgusted by babies and families.]
#3 - People who walk slowly [Editor's Note: Especially people who walk slowly with an entire family, taking up the entire side of the street with their carriages and small children, forcing you to walk at their impossibly slow pace or to walk through the wet dog poop filled grass.]
#4 - People who stand in front of the doors on the subway or bus when there is plenty of room in the middle - [Editor's Note: Sure they can stand somewhere else, but no, they've decided that making it impossible for you to get on the bus/subway is the best course of action.]
#5 - Road tests and driving manuals, in Mexico all you need to do is drive up to a stand give them 450 pesos and a picture and you have your license. [Editor's Note: Nothing that happens in Mexico hould ever be used as an example of "the better way" it really just is oxymoronic, sorry Paco :-).]
#6 - Jennifer Love Hewitt not being cast in Wild Things
#7 - People who still think about Wild Things
#8 - The rhyming of bread and bed [Editor's Note: not a particulary good complaint mind you]
#9 - Fat women at the gym - [Editor's Note: Editor is not at all suggesting that only hot women should be at co-ed gyms and that when there, they exist only to serve as eye candy to the men working out there. Furthermore, editor is not implying that fat women should just give up on losing weight and resign themselves to a life of hopeless and interminable loneliness, suicide is always an option.]
#10 - People who are easily offended by jokes [Editor's Note: especially suicidal fat women].
I hope you've all enjoyed the complaints of your fellow readers and that this column can become a weekly occurance, so keep posting on the comment board or emailing me your observations.
[Editor's Note: The names of the complainants have been withheld to protect them from their often violent, sometimes mysoginistic and occasionally stupid, wishes.]
#1 - People who don't know how to drive - This includes rubber-neckers, people who drive slowly, people who put on their blinker and then don't turn, people who stop while the light is green, people who don't know how to drive in anything other than sunshine, people who stop at every crossing street because they don't know where they're going... (I could go on, but then I'd get angry). And to be quite honest, people who don't know how to drive should be shot in the leg. If you can't follow both the written and unwritten laws of the road, DON'T DRIVE!! I know I have no patience and I am easily frustrated by this, but still, come on. Do us all a favor and STAY IN THE [Falconing] HOUSE!!! [Editor's Note: I would not suggest spending much time alone in a car with the above complainant, unless of course you don't mind feeling hot lead tear through your femoral artery. Cheers.]
#2 - Holiday shoppers - Holiday shoppers are the worst kind of shoppers. They bring the whole damn family along, so they take up the entire aisle. They stop to look at everything and it takes forever to get around them. It makes me mad. Hurumph [Editor's Note: I hate holiday shoppers too, though it appears I don't hate children or families nearly as much as complainant, kudos, the world needs more people who are disgusted by babies and families.]
#3 - People who walk slowly [Editor's Note: Especially people who walk slowly with an entire family, taking up the entire side of the street with their carriages and small children, forcing you to walk at their impossibly slow pace or to walk through the wet dog poop filled grass.]
#4 - People who stand in front of the doors on the subway or bus when there is plenty of room in the middle - [Editor's Note: Sure they can stand somewhere else, but no, they've decided that making it impossible for you to get on the bus/subway is the best course of action.]
#5 - Road tests and driving manuals, in Mexico all you need to do is drive up to a stand give them 450 pesos and a picture and you have your license. [Editor's Note: Nothing that happens in Mexico hould ever be used as an example of "the better way" it really just is oxymoronic, sorry Paco :-).]
#6 - Jennifer Love Hewitt not being cast in Wild Things
#7 - People who still think about Wild Things
#8 - The rhyming of bread and bed [Editor's Note: not a particulary good complaint mind you]
#9 - Fat women at the gym - [Editor's Note: Editor is not at all suggesting that only hot women should be at co-ed gyms and that when there, they exist only to serve as eye candy to the men working out there. Furthermore, editor is not implying that fat women should just give up on losing weight and resign themselves to a life of hopeless and interminable loneliness, suicide is always an option.]
#10 - People who are easily offended by jokes [Editor's Note: especially suicidal fat women].
I hope you've all enjoyed the complaints of your fellow readers and that this column can become a weekly occurance, so keep posting on the comment board or emailing me your observations.
Dec 27, 2005
I LOVE TUESDAY
I have been wondering for some time when I would run out of things to say about the world, that is, how long it would take until I had exhausted the cellars of my annoyance. While that day is not today, I do feel that it is required of me, as it is of all men with readership measuring in near double digits, to at the very least pause every so often and reflect on important and pressing issues facng the world. Today’s issue is going to be “Why Girls Will Find Any Guy Attractive As Long As He’s In a Band Or Movies” No, that’s not good, we all know the answer to that, GOOOOOLDIGGER! Today’s issue will then be, “Why Women Hate Each Other But Never Admit To It.” No, that’s no good either, the reason for that is simple too, there’s only one “me” to go around and Kiera just isn’t into sharing, because as well all know, sharing means less.
Well, seeing as there are apparently no pressing issues to attend to, I will part the clouds of your depression and shine the light that is today’s:
Top 5 (would be something else but it seems I’ve solved all the other mysteries in the universe) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 People who talk about your parents getting it on – For a society to function in it’s intended fashion I think there are certain rules that we all must agree on, a social contract if you will, and term number one in this contract is not talking about someone’s parents having sex, EVER. Or as John Locke put it “Ye shall never discuss nay in public nor in private the affaires of ye friend’s olde parents doing the nasty” (that’s a direct quote by the way, call me if you’d like the cite). Whole civilizations have crumbled from the violation of this core principle: the Mayans, gone, the Incas, gone, Atlantis, apparently someone told the plumber he saw his parents “rocking the boat” and he cracked a water main. So next time you plan on making a funny about someone’s parents, just remember, you may be talking to a plumber or even worse a lawyer.
#2 Old people with driving licenses – Originally this was just going to read “old people” but after some consultation with various militias and right wing terrorists organizations it would seem mass euthanasia is not an option. As such, I instead propose revoking the license of anyone over the age of 68 (this may seem like an odd number to you but I think its logical, 70 is too old, and if I said 69 there would inevitably be someone too immature not start laughing, you know who you are). As a general rule I propose this three prong test: If you check your diaper more often than your oil, you shouldn’t drive; If your teeth are newer that your car, you shouldn’t drive; and if your glasses come with an “objects in glasses are closer than they appear” sticker on them, YOU SHOULDN’T DRIVE. By the way, if any one reading this actually can do something about the “old people problem,” call me with an estimate.
#3 People who start telling you a story then remember they promised not to, and don’t finish – You should know by the way, this is how the Holocaust started. Hitler was drunk in a bar in Austria on night and he started talking this reporter for the New York Times about how he was going to kill all the Jews and take over the world but then he made the guy promise not to tell anyone and instead of printing the whole story his article read only “Hitler said something about the Jews but I can’t say what because I kind of promised not to tell.” So for all you Nazi loving story non-finishers, just remember, the lives of 6 million dead Jews are on your heads.
Author’s Note: The above story is totally true
Editor’s Note: Author is not responsible for any farfetched conspiracy or the falsification of historical events.
#4 Getting stuck in the bathroom without reading material – (This one goes out to the men) This affliction may well be so annoying that it defies description, words alone cannot express the torture, the boredom, the sheer wastefulness of the time spent in the John without a newspaper Sports Illustrated or other magazines which shall remain nameless. So I say this to every wife, maid, live-in girlfriend, cleaning lady and mother out there, PLEASE, in the name of all that is good and holy, leave me something! How else can we hide from you for and hour and a half?
#5 Losing my virginity to Kiera Knightley – OK that one doesn’t really bother me, but I like saying it often as possible.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Open Minded Lesbians
On second thought, yes I do. You make the world a happier place. “Open Minded Lesbians for Congress” (as long as they don’t want to get married of course).
The Reason Is Because
“I’ve faced a lot of diversity” – Drew Gooden, Forward, Orlando Magic
Thank you Drew for demonstrating once again why it is bad for relatives to impregnate each other.
Well, seeing as there are apparently no pressing issues to attend to, I will part the clouds of your depression and shine the light that is today’s:
Top 5 (would be something else but it seems I’ve solved all the other mysteries in the universe) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 People who talk about your parents getting it on – For a society to function in it’s intended fashion I think there are certain rules that we all must agree on, a social contract if you will, and term number one in this contract is not talking about someone’s parents having sex, EVER. Or as John Locke put it “Ye shall never discuss nay in public nor in private the affaires of ye friend’s olde parents doing the nasty” (that’s a direct quote by the way, call me if you’d like the cite). Whole civilizations have crumbled from the violation of this core principle: the Mayans, gone, the Incas, gone, Atlantis, apparently someone told the plumber he saw his parents “rocking the boat” and he cracked a water main. So next time you plan on making a funny about someone’s parents, just remember, you may be talking to a plumber or even worse a lawyer.
#2 Old people with driving licenses – Originally this was just going to read “old people” but after some consultation with various militias and right wing terrorists organizations it would seem mass euthanasia is not an option. As such, I instead propose revoking the license of anyone over the age of 68 (this may seem like an odd number to you but I think its logical, 70 is too old, and if I said 69 there would inevitably be someone too immature not start laughing, you know who you are). As a general rule I propose this three prong test: If you check your diaper more often than your oil, you shouldn’t drive; If your teeth are newer that your car, you shouldn’t drive; and if your glasses come with an “objects in glasses are closer than they appear” sticker on them, YOU SHOULDN’T DRIVE. By the way, if any one reading this actually can do something about the “old people problem,” call me with an estimate.
#3 People who start telling you a story then remember they promised not to, and don’t finish – You should know by the way, this is how the Holocaust started. Hitler was drunk in a bar in Austria on night and he started talking this reporter for the New York Times about how he was going to kill all the Jews and take over the world but then he made the guy promise not to tell anyone and instead of printing the whole story his article read only “Hitler said something about the Jews but I can’t say what because I kind of promised not to tell.” So for all you Nazi loving story non-finishers, just remember, the lives of 6 million dead Jews are on your heads.
Author’s Note: The above story is totally true
Editor’s Note: Author is not responsible for any farfetched conspiracy or the falsification of historical events.
#4 Getting stuck in the bathroom without reading material – (This one goes out to the men) This affliction may well be so annoying that it defies description, words alone cannot express the torture, the boredom, the sheer wastefulness of the time spent in the John without a newspaper Sports Illustrated or other magazines which shall remain nameless. So I say this to every wife, maid, live-in girlfriend, cleaning lady and mother out there, PLEASE, in the name of all that is good and holy, leave me something! How else can we hide from you for and hour and a half?
#5 Losing my virginity to Kiera Knightley – OK that one doesn’t really bother me, but I like saying it often as possible.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Open Minded Lesbians
On second thought, yes I do. You make the world a happier place. “Open Minded Lesbians for Congress” (as long as they don’t want to get married of course).
The Reason Is Because
“I’ve faced a lot of diversity” – Drew Gooden, Forward, Orlando Magic
Thank you Drew for demonstrating once again why it is bad for relatives to impregnate each other.
Dec 26, 2005
I DID A BAD BAD THING
It has recently come to my attention that I may in fact be, as one reader so eloquently phrased it, a “bastard.” This revelation startled me, much as I’m sure it is startling you right now. I have tried to be kind and thoughtful, even merciful, looking for possible justifications for the actions of the worlds undiagnosed mentally challenged, actions which do so annoy me. But it would seem this beneficence has been overlooked, disregarded even. Instead, I have had my character attacked, my good will questioned and my intentions doubted. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I announce to you, my loyal readers that today will be my final post. I simply cannot go on writing this article day after day knowing that I am actually hurting people’s feelings. Goodbye.
The above paragraph is what I would have written if I actually cared about hurting the feelings of those less mentally blessed. Fortunately for me, I don’t. So instead, I’m here to assure you that “The Bastard” is alive and well, and well, once I’m being honest, I wasn’t startled either(shocking, I know). So if anyone has any complaints or negative comments they’d like to share, I’ve provided for the convenience of each one of you whiners a letter drop on your person. I think you can figure out where to stuff it (if you’re having trouble parsing this joke, then odds are you probably actually are retarded, and I apologize for picking on you, even if your tongue is oversized). So without further ado and with much suspense here it is.
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Family Gatherings- In the spirit of the holiday season, I’d like to share my thoughts on the inevitable seasonal torture. Why is it that come holiday time, people whom you haven’t seen for 10 or 11 months suddenly feel the need to gather? What is it about this time of year that makes people forget, “there’s a reason I don’t hang out with these people?” Is there something in the eggnog or latkes that causes the synaptic pathways in the brains of the people in charge of making phone calls to misfire and dial the wrong numbers? Or is it that people just feel guilty? If that’s the case, then someone please call me and tell me what this “guilt” thing feels like.
#2 – Katie Holmes’ Pregnant Belly – Sometimes life just isn’t fair, you’re young you’re beautiful you have everything you want and then Katie Holmes goes and gets pregnant and you’re life is just that less perfect. Selfish!
#3 – The Long Pointless Story – Every group of friends has one, and as the saying goes, if you don’t think it does, that’s because it’s you. The guy who feels the need to share every detail of what he promises will be a funny story, but is, in reality, not. Kind of like this particular rant, look I know it isn’t funny but maybe my guy will read this and stop doing it, so really, you’re all suffering so that I might survive in peace, kind of like Jesus, only in reverse.
#4 – People Who Call You But Are Already Holding Another Conversation – So let me get this straights, you, are calling me, but when I answer, you’re talking to someone else? Exactly how addled does one’s mind have to be to not realize this is bad? Fruit flies, which have a lifespan that is measured in hours, learn this lesson before you do. Really, in all honesty, you people BOTHER ME.
#5 – People Who Only Know One Verse Of A Song But Sing It Anyway – There’s a reason songwriters write more than one verse to a song, that reason is, it annoying as hell to listen to the same words over and over and over and over and over (getting annoying already isn’t it?) . So here’s is my advice to all you short-term memory challenged would be vocalists LEARN THE WORDS, and oh yeah your voice probably sucks too, so maybe just don’t sing in general.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Ugly Babies (if only someone would tell their parents)
- Me – Really it's amazing it’s taken 8 days for me to make this list.
The Reason Is Because
“Wait, Am I going to be 29 or 30?” – my sister
- As if I needed more proof I was adopted
The above paragraph is what I would have written if I actually cared about hurting the feelings of those less mentally blessed. Fortunately for me, I don’t. So instead, I’m here to assure you that “The Bastard” is alive and well, and well, once I’m being honest, I wasn’t startled either(shocking, I know). So if anyone has any complaints or negative comments they’d like to share, I’ve provided for the convenience of each one of you whiners a letter drop on your person. I think you can figure out where to stuff it (if you’re having trouble parsing this joke, then odds are you probably actually are retarded, and I apologize for picking on you, even if your tongue is oversized). So without further ado and with much suspense here it is.
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Family Gatherings- In the spirit of the holiday season, I’d like to share my thoughts on the inevitable seasonal torture. Why is it that come holiday time, people whom you haven’t seen for 10 or 11 months suddenly feel the need to gather? What is it about this time of year that makes people forget, “there’s a reason I don’t hang out with these people?” Is there something in the eggnog or latkes that causes the synaptic pathways in the brains of the people in charge of making phone calls to misfire and dial the wrong numbers? Or is it that people just feel guilty? If that’s the case, then someone please call me and tell me what this “guilt” thing feels like.
#2 – Katie Holmes’ Pregnant Belly – Sometimes life just isn’t fair, you’re young you’re beautiful you have everything you want and then Katie Holmes goes and gets pregnant and you’re life is just that less perfect. Selfish!
#3 – The Long Pointless Story – Every group of friends has one, and as the saying goes, if you don’t think it does, that’s because it’s you. The guy who feels the need to share every detail of what he promises will be a funny story, but is, in reality, not. Kind of like this particular rant, look I know it isn’t funny but maybe my guy will read this and stop doing it, so really, you’re all suffering so that I might survive in peace, kind of like Jesus, only in reverse.
#4 – People Who Call You But Are Already Holding Another Conversation – So let me get this straights, you, are calling me, but when I answer, you’re talking to someone else? Exactly how addled does one’s mind have to be to not realize this is bad? Fruit flies, which have a lifespan that is measured in hours, learn this lesson before you do. Really, in all honesty, you people BOTHER ME.
#5 – People Who Only Know One Verse Of A Song But Sing It Anyway – There’s a reason songwriters write more than one verse to a song, that reason is, it annoying as hell to listen to the same words over and over and over and over and over (getting annoying already isn’t it?) . So here’s is my advice to all you short-term memory challenged would be vocalists LEARN THE WORDS, and oh yeah your voice probably sucks too, so maybe just don’t sing in general.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Ugly Babies (if only someone would tell their parents)
- Me – Really it's amazing it’s taken 8 days for me to make this list.
The Reason Is Because
“Wait, Am I going to be 29 or 30?” – my sister
- As if I needed more proof I was adopted
Dec 25, 2005
DUDE... SWEET!
I’m BAAAAAAAACK. Welcome to week 2 readers, I know this brief, two day separation from me has been difficult on you but I am here to help, to lend voice to those complaints which you have but lack the will to voice, those you don’t have, but will as soon as you finish reading and those you never will have, but should.
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – People Who Talk To Babies – Man has been reproducing for thousands of years, advancing in ways that are so wondrous that the mere conception of them was, previously, not only impracticable, it was impossible. But in all that time, with all those advancements, our communication with babies has evolved exactly this far: “Hiiiii, Hellloooo, Hiiiiii, Do you know you’re adorable? Yes you are, Yes you are.” Someone please get me a vomit bag. Seriously, can someone please explain to me why, upon being presented with a baby, a seemingly normal and intelligent human being’s brain will magically transform into babaganoush? Hello? This is what we’ve come up with? We have technology that allows us to communicate with dolphins, monkeys are communicating to humans through sign language and the best we can do for humans is Hiiiiiiiii? WE’RE DOOMED.
#2 – Political Correctness – Someone please find the guilt-ridden rich white boy responsible for Political correctness and hurt him (Note: Author is not responsible for any actions taken in response to the preceding sentence. This diatribe is not meant to promote violence against any person or organization, unless of course you happen to actually know the guy, in which case, you should totally go for it, just don’t mention my name). So here’s a little tidbit for all you P.C.’ers out there reading this (though I honestly can’t imagine how any of you are reading this blog without the acorn you call for a brain turning into the aforementioned, babaganoush), Not all black people come from Africa, the general singular pronoun is He (no, not she, he/she, or they) and the term for humanity is MANkind and oh yeah, G-d… IS A GUY (and a Yankee fan but that’s a whole other rant).
#3 – People who talk to me while I’m on the phone – Exactly what is going through your mind when you see a phone next to my ear that makes you think that this is a good time to talk to me, could it be that you’re unfamiliar with the technology and think that it’s some sort of seashell? Because that’s really the only explanation I can come up with. I know this rant deserves a more protracted analysis but I don’t think I can find any explanation for this behavior other than stupidity, so for those of you who talk to people while they’re on the phone… maybe college isn’t for you, but on the bright side the Department of Sanitation has great benefits and you get to drive a really cool truck, who knows, if you play your cards right, you might even get to honk the horn.
#4 – People Who Sing Along To Songs On The Radio, But Don’t Know All The Words – No, this is not OK, it is not cute, it is in fact the opposite of cute, it’s Roseanne, not even stomach stapled, face lifted, tummy tucked, liposuctioned Roseanne, no, it’s the fat one. So next time you get the urge to sing along to a song you’re kind of familiar with in the way I’m kind of familiar with Kiera Knightley, do us all a favor and get your face stapled shut instead. Cheers.
#5 – Dubbing Of Swearing in 80’s Rated R movies – “Yippe Ki-yay Mother (wait for it) Falcon!” What in the name of Bruce Willis is going on? Can someone please explain to me how that sentence makes any sense? Is there a fairy tale I missed in childhood? Did my mother screw up? Is “Mother Goose” not really a goose, but a bird of prey? Or is it possible, even just a little that there is someone out there, a person with actual real world power, who could have possibly thought that it was OK to replace the offensive term in the preceding quote with any word that starts with the same letter. If so Falcon you! You stupid Mother Falconing, son of a Bialy (it’s that thing that’s kind of like a bagel but the hole doesn’t go all the way through) I hope you rot in Hibiscus (it’s a plant).
Who I Like Today And I (certainly) Don’t Mean (Radio Edit)
- The People Who Brought Us Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (I don’t exactly know who the “people who brought us” includes, but they use it in commercials all the time so what the hell) – This was a very funny movie and it appears that there is going to be a sequel in the near future, let the over-hyping begin.
The Reason Is Because
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I wasn’t wearing my glasses.” I’m not going to say anything about this people I’m just going to let you listen to it yourself one more time. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you” (translation: the vibrations caused by your voice were not properly received by my auditory canal) because “I wasn’t wearing my glasses” (translation: because I am not wearing the device which alleviates my myopia). What!?
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – People Who Talk To Babies – Man has been reproducing for thousands of years, advancing in ways that are so wondrous that the mere conception of them was, previously, not only impracticable, it was impossible. But in all that time, with all those advancements, our communication with babies has evolved exactly this far: “Hiiiii, Hellloooo, Hiiiiii, Do you know you’re adorable? Yes you are, Yes you are.” Someone please get me a vomit bag. Seriously, can someone please explain to me why, upon being presented with a baby, a seemingly normal and intelligent human being’s brain will magically transform into babaganoush? Hello? This is what we’ve come up with? We have technology that allows us to communicate with dolphins, monkeys are communicating to humans through sign language and the best we can do for humans is Hiiiiiiiii? WE’RE DOOMED.
#2 – Political Correctness – Someone please find the guilt-ridden rich white boy responsible for Political correctness and hurt him (Note: Author is not responsible for any actions taken in response to the preceding sentence. This diatribe is not meant to promote violence against any person or organization, unless of course you happen to actually know the guy, in which case, you should totally go for it, just don’t mention my name). So here’s a little tidbit for all you P.C.’ers out there reading this (though I honestly can’t imagine how any of you are reading this blog without the acorn you call for a brain turning into the aforementioned, babaganoush), Not all black people come from Africa, the general singular pronoun is He (no, not she, he/she, or they) and the term for humanity is MANkind and oh yeah, G-d… IS A GUY (and a Yankee fan but that’s a whole other rant).
#3 – People who talk to me while I’m on the phone – Exactly what is going through your mind when you see a phone next to my ear that makes you think that this is a good time to talk to me, could it be that you’re unfamiliar with the technology and think that it’s some sort of seashell? Because that’s really the only explanation I can come up with. I know this rant deserves a more protracted analysis but I don’t think I can find any explanation for this behavior other than stupidity, so for those of you who talk to people while they’re on the phone… maybe college isn’t for you, but on the bright side the Department of Sanitation has great benefits and you get to drive a really cool truck, who knows, if you play your cards right, you might even get to honk the horn.
#4 – People Who Sing Along To Songs On The Radio, But Don’t Know All The Words – No, this is not OK, it is not cute, it is in fact the opposite of cute, it’s Roseanne, not even stomach stapled, face lifted, tummy tucked, liposuctioned Roseanne, no, it’s the fat one. So next time you get the urge to sing along to a song you’re kind of familiar with in the way I’m kind of familiar with Kiera Knightley, do us all a favor and get your face stapled shut instead. Cheers.
#5 – Dubbing Of Swearing in 80’s Rated R movies – “Yippe Ki-yay Mother (wait for it) Falcon!” What in the name of Bruce Willis is going on? Can someone please explain to me how that sentence makes any sense? Is there a fairy tale I missed in childhood? Did my mother screw up? Is “Mother Goose” not really a goose, but a bird of prey? Or is it possible, even just a little that there is someone out there, a person with actual real world power, who could have possibly thought that it was OK to replace the offensive term in the preceding quote with any word that starts with the same letter. If so Falcon you! You stupid Mother Falconing, son of a Bialy (it’s that thing that’s kind of like a bagel but the hole doesn’t go all the way through) I hope you rot in Hibiscus (it’s a plant).
Who I Like Today And I (certainly) Don’t Mean (Radio Edit)
- The People Who Brought Us Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (I don’t exactly know who the “people who brought us” includes, but they use it in commercials all the time so what the hell) – This was a very funny movie and it appears that there is going to be a sequel in the near future, let the over-hyping begin.
The Reason Is Because
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I wasn’t wearing my glasses.” I’m not going to say anything about this people I’m just going to let you listen to it yourself one more time. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you” (translation: the vibrations caused by your voice were not properly received by my auditory canal) because “I wasn’t wearing my glasses” (translation: because I am not wearing the device which alleviates my myopia). What!?
Dec 23, 2005
Week One Complete
Just as a piece of general information I'd like to point out to my readers I won't be posting on Fridays and Saturdays. However since I didn't spread the word in Thurday's post I'll throw out this little tidbit for the hungry masses.
WORDS THAT SHOULD BE BROUGHT BACK INTO POPULAR USAGE
- Whilst
- T'is
- T'was
- Wont (no not won't)
- Heretofore
- Sooth (as in soothsayer)
- Nay (have you ever heard it used outside of a congressional vote?)
- Verisimilitude
- Legerdemain
(OK I know the last two probably never were popularly used, but Arent they great words? If you disagree, well I should probably point out, I don't much care about your opinion.)
If there are any more words you'd like to see added to the list, post a comment on the highly Democratic comment board.
Ok that's it for now enjoy your weekend and tune in Sunday for more of what bothers me.
WORDS THAT SHOULD BE BROUGHT BACK INTO POPULAR USAGE
- Whilst
- T'is
- T'was
- Wont (no not won't)
- Heretofore
- Sooth (as in soothsayer)
- Nay (have you ever heard it used outside of a congressional vote?)
- Verisimilitude
- Legerdemain
(OK I know the last two probably never were popularly used, but Arent they great words? If you disagree, well I should probably point out, I don't much care about your opinion.)
If there are any more words you'd like to see added to the list, post a comment on the highly Democratic comment board.
Ok that's it for now enjoy your weekend and tune in Sunday for more of what bothers me.
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