BY ANY OTHER NAME

So, where was I?

I must say, I've missed our little chats. I know it's a bit of a cliche, but you guys are really just great listeners; I always feel comfortable opening up to you. I mean if not for you, observations like, "Cinco de Mayo being the worst ever name for a holiday", would just disappear amongst the synapses and ganglia. Now, don't get too pleased with yourselves, I am after all doing all the work, and to be honest, you aren't exactly the most stimulating company, so there's plenty of room for improvement. That being said, here it is:

Top Five Things That Bother Me Today

#5 - Cinco de Mayo - I'll be honest, I've done no research at all on this matter, but I think it's fair (not that I care) to say that this is pretty much the dumbest name for a holiday in the brief history of man and long weekends. Seriously, The guy who thought up CSI Green Bay used more creativity than whoever established this holiday. Things sounding cooler in Spanish aside, the name for the holiday that falls on May fifth is, May fifth. Even Big Bird thinks that name lacks imagination.

#4 - Tomato Juice - You know what occurred to me a second and a half into taking my first ever sip of tomato juice? If you can pour it on pasta and call it a sauce, you shouldn't be allowed to call it juice. I'm sure lycopene is really good for me and all, but I don't think that's any excuse for putting a straw in tomato sauce and calling it a beverage. I have no proof but I'm relatively certain the people behind this fiasco are the same ones that brought us soy MILK (I never knew soy beans had nipples).

#3 - Allergies - Now, far be it from me to question the good old prime mover, but as we turn the calendar to spring, I feel I must once again question the utility of of allergies. I'm not quarrelling with the existence of disease, I understand a thinning of the herd is necessary for the greater good, but I don't understand how having mucus and tears leak and fill every orifice in my head contributes in any way to society's greater good. Was God concerned that with Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts aging and the 'Sex and the City' Generation taking front and center, the tissue industry would crumble? Judging by the fact that Patrick Dempsey still has a career I'd venture to say that they're doing just fine. So how about it big guy?

#2 - CEO's - Look, I'm as greedy as the next Jew, but even I find myself throwing up in my mouth when I hear a CEO say that cutting his pay from $400,000,000 would be bad for the economy because if we cut the pay for CEO's we won't be able to attract the greatest talents. Let's ignore for a moment the fact that turning a massive profit while running an oil company is a job that a retarded, dyslexic, product of incest, orangutan could do without having to take a break from pulling fleas out of his coat, but is someone out there really saying that there are geniuses out there who would give up a career in business because they'd only make $300,000,000? What are they going to do instead? Invent Soy milk?

#1 - The fact that haven't seen 'Ironman' yet - If this lasts any longer I'm pretty sure I'll be the subject of the Scarlet Letter II. There are people in Ethiopia who traded this week's rotten banana for tickets to that movie. Speaking of which, I was reading a cooking magazine (shut up) and there was an article entitled, 'The Cuisine of Ethiopia' I'd do a joke but it almost seems like overkill.