I'M GOING TO GO WITH 'THIS WORLD' MAXIMUS

Oh please, don't even try and pretend like you're too mad at me to read this post.  We both know you're too happy I came back. That being said, my return has less to do with you (while I do appreciate your saving yourselves for me, we both know you weren't going to get your blog itch scratched anywhere else the way I do it) than it does a an unspeakable crime that happened over the weekend. 

Almost all of you I'm sure have heard about the Times Square almost bomb, well, for some reason, most of you don't know of a more shocking trespass on our national happiness.  I am here to rectify that.  While parked in a mall parking lot yesterday, my car was viciously and cold-heartedly assaulted.  My fender was dented and possibly scratched (it may just have been his paint on top of mine, it's hard to tell), a fog lamp was cracked and my innocence stolen.  I left two empty slots on either side and parked in an lightly filled area and yet here I stand, victimized. There were no witnesses to the crime, no cameras - so conveniently present for more minor issues like the Times Square thing - to document the offense. There's no Homeland Security investigation or police task force. There was nothing but a beat up Buick with silver paint on its fender and casual disregard in its eyes. The police came and told me there was nothing they could do.  The officer told me that despite what I'd seen on CSI Miami no one was sending a paint sample to the lab for comparison (to be honest based on the mismatching uniform worn by the Elizabeth police officer, I'm not so sure there even is a lab). I was alone and the problem mine own.

More than at any time in recent memory my destiny is not of my own choosing. I did not provoke nor did I invite an attack. I did not seek nor did I desire a war. Yet the true measure of a man's strength is how he rises to such moments and masters them. So, AMA-8655, I may not have wanted this, I may wish our paths had never crossed, but I will not shirk from the moment. This is a time for men of action, men of conviction.  I will do what is hard; I will achieve what is necessary.  I will hunt you down like the dog you are and leaving you wishing you'd fallen testicle first into an industrial-strength vise. This is a time for American heroes, a time for American vengeance.  This is the time for me to reap what you've sown and I'm coming for you!

Also, if anyone knows how I might glean name, address and security code just based on a guy's  license plate number, that'd be swell.