RIGHTIES DON'T HOLD IT WITH THEIR LEFT HAND

There has been some backlash over the decreasing frequency with which my posts are being published. That is to say, you guys can't get enough of me. So much like a stalker both loves and hates the subject of their adoration, the anonymous posters on my site are both drawn to me and irritated by my lack of attention shown to them. Now, while I would like to have you guys committed to the nearest mental institute, I'm afraid the best I can do is post more, but if you really do love me, you'll at least lock yourself in a closet or something.

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 The two handed wave – The two handed wave should be limited to people trying to hail down the cab driving away with their luggage and those guys with the ear muffs and light sabers who direct planes. This wave is the ultimate in hubris. The only people who have the gall to try and pull this off are President’s, celebrities, and sports stars. It is the body gesture that announces to the world, “I know you love me, in fact, you love me so much, I must raise both my arms just to acknowledge and accept your limitless adoration.” While I can sympathize with the select few who are burdened with the affection ofSo masses, I cannot in good conscience (I’m just using this as an expression, it’s not like I have an actual conscience, well I do, but she’s only part time), forgive this violation of acceptable social gestures. If you want to wave with two hands go to Yankee Stadium and take part in the, aptly named, “Wave”, otherwise, for God’s sake keep one arm down it’s not like you’re getting mugged.

#2 - The Impotent Water Fountain – Never before has drinking required a condom. The lengths one is required to go to in order to swallow some pathetic amount of liquid are so extreme as to constitute a violation of public decency laws. Those disgustingly lovey newly minted couples who seem to think that the lips of their significant other are covered in some sort of life extending lip gloss perform fewer bile inducing acts of PDA (that’s public displays of affection for those of you who haven’t been introduced to the acronym) in a week than you do in 30 seconds of trying to suck the water out of the fountain with low motility. On the bright side, at least you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.

#3 - People who fall asleep at my Super Bowl party – So I threw a Super Bowl party last week and I know what you’re thinking, “I wasn’t invited?” So let me just say this and nip any problems in the bud, No, you weren’t invited. But more to the point those that did show up were soon divesting themselves of the constricting coil of consciousness, choosing to watch the interior of the eyelids over the game. Not to wax Shakespearian, but the question I pose to you is this, as a party thrower, am I supposed to be scheduling nap time? Is there a guidebook I can pick up somewhere entitled “What to do When 6 of the 97 Million People Watching the Super Bowl Fall Asleep and They Are All at Your Party?” Or should I just send their parents a bill for babysitting?

#4 - Valentine’s Day – While I will have an expanded Top 10 Reasons I Hate Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I would like to give a brief summary of why Valentine’s Day blows like a pro bono hooker (if you don’t know what pro bono means, then well, you’re an idiot). The way I see it Valentine’s Day sucks whether you have a date or not. For those who do not, you are forced to spend an entire weekend contemplating exactly why it is you are dateless and convince yourself, this fact aside, that you are not a social leper. If, however, you do have a date, then you are now faced with an equally distasteful reality. You are one of the people whose mere existence makes me want to puke so badly I eat extra meals in advance of thinking about you, just to make sure the explosive discharge that will soon follow suits the antipathy I hold you in. like I said, lose lose.

#5 - Catty Girls (at least when it doesn’t end up in some sort of disrobed wrestling situation) – It has recently been pointed out to me that there are girls out there who find the very concept of another girl being, and I believe this is the technical term, hot or even worse, well dressed, so intimidating that instinct takes over any and all higher brain functions. The result is that this herd of sweatpants wearing, makeup needing, misanthropes is left trying to convert what few holdouts are left, like traveling Je hova’s Witnesses, only you know, in sweatpants. I just want to ask you this, why are you trying to take away one of the few things left that make me happy? Did I do something to you? Have I been mean to fat unattractive girls in sweatpants recently?

Droppin Some Knowledge
When peeing in a moving vehicle one is faced with the dilemma of maintaing balance and maintaing aim. As such, the makers of these mini-lavatories have seen fit to provide a handle on the right hand wall with which to maintain said balance. While it may appear logical to grip said handle with your right hand and grip, well, something else with the left, in actuality, the percentage of stream shot into the clown's mouth is far higher when the left-handed cross grip is employed.

Who I Like Today and I Don't Mean Stalkers
Sports Illustrated - Thank you SI for understanding that women on beaches in very small swimsuits has alot to do with sports. Also, I love the articles. . . they have articles right?