RETURN OF THE KING

Ok, so I lied to you, but I think it's important to keep in mind it's not like those lies your parents told you, like you're special or attractive, leading you to spend your life in a constant state of disappointment, never getting what you think you deserve (but actually don't). In fact thanks to me there are people walking around knowing exactly how non-special and unattractive they are. So keep that in mind before keep you harping on about me not posting when I said I would. Also as a sidenote, I was born lazy, it's not like I can do anything about it. Now onto the show.

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – Old people who start conversations with strangers - Much like baby stories are the worst to repeatedly hear, the old people who start up conversations with you are the worst of the random conversation starters. While Taxi drivers and people in elevators will generally limit their random conversations to the weather and the best type of car air freshener, old people will actually ask you annoying personal questions and expect a thoughful and considered answer. Even worse, you can't be sarcastic to old people, for starters, so many of their brain cells have passed on that they don't even notice the corn sticking to their face, let alone conversational subtleties. More importantly if by some miracle they managed to conserve a small measure of awareness into their dottery and catch the gist of your biting sarcasm, there is overwhelming chance that they could die in the immediate future. So there you go, you just made fun of a dead guy, you are now almost obligated to go to thE funeral, and THAT'S really just going to ruin your day. . . those things last for FOREVER!

#2 – People who don’t know when to give up a lie - I personally have never told a lie (please ignore above admission to said lie). However, from what I've observed of this admirable, I mean disgusting, habit in others, the general lying concept can be summarized in the immortal words of Kenny Rogers "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." The key to maintaining the long term viability of your future lies is to never become so tied to your lie that you can't admit, even when faced with incontrovertible evidence, that you're full of crap. The overly dedicated or stubborn liars think that holding this untennable position somehow makes their lie more belivable, e.g. "Wasn't Me" Shaggy, what happens in reality is that you are now doing two things, lying, and insulting the intelligence of your listener. So in short, once you've been caugh. . . be honest, oh and play poker with me, please.

#3 – Being outside the 18-24 marketing range - I would like to preface this by pointing out that I am 25 and very athletic, well I watch alot of athletics, but, sometimes before watching television I walk over to the TV itself to turn it on, so clearly, I'm in good shape. Anyway, not too long ago I took a survey, and at the end of this waste of time there was a question asking how old the survey taker was, and this being a survey, it provided a choice of age ranges, it looked something like this:
10 - 17
18 - 24
25 - 40
40 - dead
According this insulting ageist propoganda my interests lie more with Allan Greenspan than Allan Iverson, HMO's over MTV and Julia Childs over Julia Roberts (and she's OLD!). Even worse, according to this survey, I'm one step away from death, DEATH! Another scare like that and I may just need "Depends."

#4 – Hard workers - As someone who can see his mortal end just over the proverbial horizon, I have decided to spend what little time I have left on this Earth as constructively as I can, by watching TV and and napping. Unfortunately, there are those among us who despite the risks to their health and overall TV knowledge have chosen to depart from this health conscious course, take their lives into their hands, and do actual work. WORK! It's bad enough that these devil may care, risk takers blantantly flout sound medical advice and flaunt their stupidity in public, but now teachers and employers expect the rest of us sane people to go around taking these crazy health risks; giving out HW and not providing naptime in addition to a lunch break. Do the hard workers even know about "24?"

#5 – People who work out - It has been pointed out to me that if I am going to complain about guys who spend 80% of their lives in the gym, I am not supposed to enjoy women who do the same. As such I am now putting an official moratorium on anyone making gym appearances more than twice a week. So to all the meatheads with marbles for testicles, all the gym bunnies with abs that more closely resemble a togographical map than a stomach and the fatties who think running on a treadmill 6 days a week will compensate for swallowing small animals in a single bite, if you feel the need to turn your body into an advertisement for "Health and Fitness Magazine" for God's sake, just eat less!

Pandering to Perverts
Marble sized testicles

Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Matt Hassleback
The Pittsburgh Steelers - money, money, money, mooooney. . . moooooooney. Betting's legal right?

The Reason Is Because
I know i havent posted in quite a while, but honestly, I'm watching 24, and nothing anyone said pops up as stupid at the moment. Sorry.