Due to overwhelming reader request, I hereby give to you a sonnet of questionable morality. Women the line for me to be your baby's daddy starts right here.
To an Unborn Son
They tell me it will change when I have one of my own
That his cherubic face and chubby little arms
Will suck the greed straight out of me, thoroughly disarm me
And maybe that’s so; maybe love does cut to the bone.
But until I see for myself how sharing a chromosome
Can imbue this child with some inalienable charm
That will inspire me to hope and wish selflessly
For successes I’ve yet to hit on, I think I’ll hold on.
Now don’t go rushing to conclusions or psychiatrists
Telling them how you were unloved as a child
And that’s why you’re filled with malevolence
As I’m telling you now, without any pretense or guile,
No matter how much you do mean to me, I simply can't see
How I could love anyone, even my seed, as much as I do me.
Worst Thing I've Heard This Week
Girl #1 - Natalie Portman looked hot in V for Vendetta
Girl #2 - Even with the shaved head?
Girl #1 - Yeah
Dan H. - Well that must be a comforting thought; now she knows she'll still look hot even if she gets cancer.
That may be the most insensitive, politially incorrect, inconsiderate comment I've ever heard in a month, Kudos.
Apr 8, 2006
Apr 3, 2006
OPENING DAY MAKES MOUTHS HAPPY
In honor of the best day of the year I am going to flip the lid on you all again and give you a list to end all lists:
THE TOP 1O THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY
#10 - Hash brown/Home fries - Who knew there was so much joy to be found in a potato, well except the Irish, but honestly, they're always drunk anyway, so you can't really take their word for it.
#9 - Jack Bauer - Suspect not giving you answers, do you ask again? No. If you're Jack Bauer, you shoot his wife in the leg. Your girlfriend is accussed by a terrorist of being a collaborater, do you ask her nicely while handing her your wallet for the shoppng spree that will inevitably ensue, no, if you're Jack Bauer, YOU INTERROGATE HER.
#8 - Gummy bears - They're just so chewy and delicious. And an added bonus, if you're completely insane, you can bite their heads off and put them on each others bodies, like mismatched leggo men
#7 - Spring - Sure, I could complain about how warm weather induces people to wear less clothes, and included in people are, well, fat women, but today is a happy day, so instead of complaining about how a tube top isn't supposed to resemble a play doh cannister with the filling squeezed out, I will instead revel in the joy that is lithe 20 year old girls in Halter tops (bonus points if you know the difference between a tube top and a halter top).
#6 - Funny girls - I know what your thinking, how can something that doesn't exist make you happy? However, I am proud to say that after 25 years of investigation I am finally ready to publish the results of my reseach. I have discovered that contrary to popular opinion the Y chromosome is not the anti-funny gene we once though it was, that means. . . it is not genetically impossible for women to be funny!! That being said, it doesn't help too much either.
#5 - Reruns of TV shows and cartoons from my youth - Dude, I dont care what you say, Thunder Cats, Knight Rider, McGuyver and the A-Team rocked like a fat girl in a canoe (I am not fat phobic). Ya heard?
#4 - Napping - It's like having your wife tell you it's O.K. to sleep with other women, it feels so good, it should just be wrong on principle.
#3 - Winning - for all the losers out there, you really should try it, it's fun.
#2 - People who are so incompetent they make me look responsible - For the record, emails addressed to me that begin with the clause "I feel like an incompetent fool" make me smile. All this time I thought that in order to look like a productive, reliable law student I needed to team up with someone who was, well, a productive, reliable law student, when in reality, all I needed to do was find the one person more useless than me. SWEET.
#1 - BASEBALL - Watching it, playing it, reading about it, constructing fantasy teams.If baseball was a woman I'd impregnate her.
THE TOP 1O THINGS THAT MAKE ME HAPPY
#10 - Hash brown/Home fries - Who knew there was so much joy to be found in a potato, well except the Irish, but honestly, they're always drunk anyway, so you can't really take their word for it.
#9 - Jack Bauer - Suspect not giving you answers, do you ask again? No. If you're Jack Bauer, you shoot his wife in the leg. Your girlfriend is accussed by a terrorist of being a collaborater, do you ask her nicely while handing her your wallet for the shoppng spree that will inevitably ensue, no, if you're Jack Bauer, YOU INTERROGATE HER.
#8 - Gummy bears - They're just so chewy and delicious. And an added bonus, if you're completely insane, you can bite their heads off and put them on each others bodies, like mismatched leggo men
#7 - Spring - Sure, I could complain about how warm weather induces people to wear less clothes, and included in people are, well, fat women, but today is a happy day, so instead of complaining about how a tube top isn't supposed to resemble a play doh cannister with the filling squeezed out, I will instead revel in the joy that is lithe 20 year old girls in Halter tops (bonus points if you know the difference between a tube top and a halter top).
#6 - Funny girls - I know what your thinking, how can something that doesn't exist make you happy? However, I am proud to say that after 25 years of investigation I am finally ready to publish the results of my reseach. I have discovered that contrary to popular opinion the Y chromosome is not the anti-funny gene we once though it was, that means. . . it is not genetically impossible for women to be funny!! That being said, it doesn't help too much either.
#5 - Reruns of TV shows and cartoons from my youth - Dude, I dont care what you say, Thunder Cats, Knight Rider, McGuyver and the A-Team rocked like a fat girl in a canoe (I am not fat phobic). Ya heard?
#4 - Napping - It's like having your wife tell you it's O.K. to sleep with other women, it feels so good, it should just be wrong on principle.
#3 - Winning - for all the losers out there, you really should try it, it's fun.
#2 - People who are so incompetent they make me look responsible - For the record, emails addressed to me that begin with the clause "I feel like an incompetent fool" make me smile. All this time I thought that in order to look like a productive, reliable law student I needed to team up with someone who was, well, a productive, reliable law student, when in reality, all I needed to do was find the one person more useless than me. SWEET.
#1 - BASEBALL - Watching it, playing it, reading about it, constructing fantasy teams.If baseball was a woman I'd impregnate her.
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