Hostel v. Hostile

I know I may have implied I'd continued my expose on the abuses of the American employee, but I fear there is an epidemic in our backyard, an outbreak that threatens our very way of life. I speak, of course, of Tourists. My problems with tourists are legion, but for the sake of brevity and carpal tunnel I'll narrow it down to five.

1) Not everything is a landmark - Perhaps no technological innovation has contributed to the annoyance of New Yorkers as has the digital camera. For as long as cameras required film tourists would wander the city Minolta's in hand, waiting for the perfect picture to present itself, conserving film like Joseph hoarded wheat in the 'Seven Years of Plenty' all so that when they came upon NY's real sights, they'd have enough film left. Then came the digital camera, and gone were the incentives to conserve, to regulate, to not take pictures of a freaking Borders Bookstore chain store that they have in every mall in America! I now walk the streets like a downhill racer slaloming my way around stationary posers and photographers, spinning my way around the go and stoppers who are so overcome with awe at the sight of a building over 5 stories they feel the need to come to a sudden, complete and immediate stop in middle of the sidewalk. A small side note: I would like to note that the digital camera has also been a key contributer in college girls taking up "amateur photography" so you know, it's not all bad.

2) New York is not a theme park - I understand tourists have seen NY in TV and movies and actually being here is a sort of surreal experience, like finding yourself on the set of a sitcom, but the cars are real, the people are real and if you try and open a 6 foot wide map in the street again I will hurt you. If you get on the wrong subway, you have to pay to get on the right one. If you ask me for directions you have to realize I may send you to Harlem for kicks and giggles

3) I don't care where you're from - Why? Oh why? Oh why, do these people feel the urge to share the story of their voyage from Sheboygan to New York City? You've been looking forward to this all year? Your having a great time? The Empire State building is tall, you dont say? Do you by any chance need directions?

4) Fanny Packs - How do these still exist!? I mean who the hell makes these? Are people from Japan and Iowa having them custom made? I've seen more flattering lumps on bell tower residents and people with thyroid disorders.

5) How is everyone from middle America blond? This is less a complaint than it is an actual question, but I can't help but think that within this question, at the nexus of Japanese and Iowan tourism lies the source of the fascination Japanese men have with American blonde's.