Unretired

Hello again readers,

I know it's been a while since last we conversed, but after giving it some thought I've decided that re-starting my blog is a good way to rationalize my slowing progress on my novel and avoid the judgmental eyes of my exercise bike. So, without further ado, like a phoenix from its ashes, like Roger Clemens from retirement, like herpes from wherever herpes goes when it's asymptomatic, I, your favorite misanthrope, return to you. (Yes, I realize I just compared myself to an STD, I'm rusty, give me a break).

I report to you today from the front lines of employment and I am here to tell you that all is not right in the world. Accordingly, I am providing you with the first installment in what may be a multi-part (depending on whether I think of any more) exposé on the abuses of the American workforce.

Top 5 Things I've Learned About Working Since My Last Post

5) Napping at work is frowned upon - Sadly the glass wall of my office contributed to this lesson being learned rather quickly.

4) I miss naps - You know those cold rainy days where the sun never shines and it seems like the day started at twilight? You know how all you wanna do on days like that is get into bed and spend the day watching TV, reading my blog and sleeping? Turns out that isn't enough of a reason to take a nap on the break room couch. Also, "I was just just looking for some change I thought I may have dropped between the cushions," apparently not a believable cover for laying face down on said couch.

3) Snow is not my friend - We had it good snow and me. For twenty-one years of schooling snow had my back. A foot here, a foot there, and I was spending the day with the 'Gilmore Girls' (dude I don't care, the mom is hot, deal with it). But now, like Brutus in the Senate, like Brain Macnamee in the Mitchel report, like Matt Damon in 'The Departed' (in that scene where he offs Nicholson), snow turned on me. No more is it my ally in apathy, my partner in passivity, my teammate in torpor. No. Snow is my enemy; an obstacle to be overcome. She teases me, forcing newscasters to talk of school closings, constantly reminding me of the pleasures I once enjoyed, but never again will. Snow, you suck!

2) There's no such thing as done - Work and homework, not the same. With homework, the sooner you finish, the sooner you're done. At work, the sooner you finish, the sooner you have
more work. It is a cruel, oppressive Sisyphean, cycle that drains the joy out of finishing aproject. It's like that depressed unemployed friend who sucks the humor out of the room and makes you contemplate what method of suicide is best. Like being Britney Spears' mom.

1) Lying is good - Are you done yet? No. When will you be done? Next week. Can you handle any more work? No. As if centuries of men getting laid weren't enough to teach us this lesson lying is good. So please; deceive, dissemble, distort, equivocate, falsify, fib. For God's sake, LIE! Lying is good, it's healthy, it's American.

OK that took way longer than I planned, you ingrates better enjoy this.

If I Ran The World