OH NO HE DIDN'T!

Every New Year's we (and by we I mean people other than me) make promises of and to ourselves, lists of things we will and won't do, and, generally speaking, they last about as long my interest in watching a crystal ball fall slowly. Just a thought but don't you think it'd be more interesting if they actually DROPPED the ball, you know for real? I feel like crystal and glass become inherently more interesting when you know breakage is in their near future. Anyway, these resolutions are for the most part pointless, as, if we really wanted to do, or not do them, and had the will power to implement them, we'd have done so already. One exception to this rule, however, is the the resolution to change things we didn't know we wanted to change. I know it sounds complicated, but I will demonstrate:

Top Ten New Year's Resolutions, You Didn't Know You Needed to Make

10) Stop asking for other people's opinions when you'll be heartbroken if they tell the truth. If you need to ask, I mean really need to hear someone else say it to believe it, then you either have some sort of mental disease which is sad (unless you're a girl and you have low self-esteem which makes you desperate to please men, that's the opposite of sad) or you know the truth but are hoping that your friends will lie to you, and create an alternate reality for you to delude yourself in. We are all tired of lying to you (at least in that generous, for your own good kind of way).

9) Stop lying to protect people's feelings. Repeat after me; no you're not funny, that dress makes you look like an eggplant, no you don't deserve it, of course I can believe you got dumped, you look like an eggplant for God's sake! With just a bit more honesty I think we can set the record straight for so many of the deluded and allow them to focus on what they're really good at, like...

8) End the 'Plus One' - You know those friends you have, the ones you genuinely like, but everytime you invite them somewhere, they bring along that other dude, that guy no one can stand who single-handedly makes the whole enterprise a groan? They need to be stopped. They need to be made aware that while they may be awesome, their awesomeness is not great enough to encompass their douchebag friend. Now I caution you, before you get overzealous and start bashing 'awesome friend' for his 'Plus One' failings, realize it may not be entirely his fault, as, in the past, he may have asked of his awesome friends "Hey you guys, do you think 'other dude' is a douchebag?" and because it wasn't the new year and because you had yet to institute resolution #9 you said "Other dude? a douche? No, where'd you get that idea? Did someone say something, cuz I didn't." See how it snowballs?

7) Stop making obvious suggestions. When I complain to you that there's nothing to do, or ask of you, "you have any ideas what we could do today?" don't say, "we could go to a movie." I KNOW we could go to a movie (yes I know about bowling too), if I wanted to go to a movie, I'd say "hey, let's go to a movie. " No, my lament, "there's nothing to do," implies that there's nothing interesting to do or, if I was feeling ecceliastical, there's nothing new under the sun. Movies are not new, they are not original, they are the equivalent of suggesting your friend get his wife flowers and chocolates for their anniversary. Also, anyone wanna go to a movie tonight? Call me.

6) Stop repeating lines from Borat - I liiiike, is not funny. That's all I have to say on this paticular issue. Okaaaay?

5) Stop saying you "Root for New York." Pick you team and stick with it. Root for your guys to win, and glory in the failures of their counterparts. Sports are about favorites, you can only have one favorite, ask your wife/girlfriend/boyrfriend/husband/partner (not that I condone that sort of thing), they'll explain it to you, or, just tell her/him "but baby, you're my most favorite," and see what happens.

4) Stop wearing your bluetooth ear piece all freaking day. Seriously, they're like $12.99 at Wal-Mart they aren't cool. Also walking around talking to yourself without holding a phone to your ear is very confusing for people like me, who are trying to figure out whether you're a crazy bum and why it is I won't give you any change.

3) Stop saying 'I'll let you go now' at the end of a phone call. You're not letting me go, you're hanging up on me, you're the one going, not me. This is the wussiest way to end a conversation ever. It's the "it's not you it's me" of phone calls. Man up and say, "I'm bored, I wanna go now."

Authors' Note: Please don't hang up on me

2) My personal resolution is to have a quality penultimate resolution on next year's list, in the meantime, here's this:
Engage your inner child. Sneak up behind someone at work and flick their ear. Buy a video game console or find a friend who can be convinced his is distracting from his work. Drop a glass on the floor at midnight, you'll see purposely breaking glass is riveting.

1) Lose weight (mostly directed at women) - What? It's a good one. Also if you're inclined, and a woman, maybe you could start finding women attractive, but I think the losing weight thing is a good start.

That's all for now, follow these easy guidlines and maybe we can all have a happier year.