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THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MEN’S PUBLIC RESTROOMS
#10 – Never take the middle urinal. This applies to bathrooms with the standard three stall setup. In such cases one must tae either the first or third urinal, leaving a one urinal barrier in case of company.

#9 – If at all possible, do not use the first urinal. Generally, they are adjacent to the sink and lack the dividing partition on the right testicle side. The price of good hygiene should not be having to watch you pee.

#8 – Don’t pee into the water. A proper urinal, or even a public toilet will have a porcelain wall for you to pee against silently. Eschewing the use of this wall and peeing loudly into the shallow puddle of water at the bottom of the bowl is offensive and wrong. I don’t care how proud you are of your prostate health.

#7 – Do not start conversations with your urinal-mates. Just because you’re comfortable talking to others with your junk in your hand doesn’t mean everyone else is (though it probably means you at least have a shot at being successful in porn). Additionally, the odds of a misunderstanding or faux pas is greatly increased in said setting with people’s respective junk in their respective hands. That being said, if, however, you came into the bathroom with a friend and were already conversing, it is permissible to continue this conversation. One must nevertheless case and desist if said friend does not reply once the junk comes out.

#6 – Lift the seat. It’s an oldie but a goodie. Nothing contributes to that public men’s room aroma like urine aging on plastic.

#5 – The movie theater exception. If, post movie, you find yourself in a crowded bathroom and, for expediency’s sake, make use of a stall rather than a urinal, one can abstain from lifting the seat. The reasons for this are two fold 1) Those seats have more bacteria on them than an Iranian lab full of cultures, and 2) Only a moron would sit on one of those seats and its ok to pee on morons.

#4 – Flush. No it’s not cool to be environmentally conscious in a men’s room. When you are in a men’s room, it is the only environment on earth. Stepping through that door is like entering a breach in the time space continuum (Note: If you think this analogy is sci-fientifically inaccurate, well, enjoy your virginity). So please, make use of the mercy, pre-pee and safety flushes.

#3 – Do not primp. The mirror in a public bathroom is vestigial. It is nearly useless remnant from some long ago day when the room didn’t smell like your grandmother’s diaper. Get in, empty the tank, get out. If you must, one quick look and then end it. Whatever you think you’re gaining in hair adjustment will be more than canceled out by the aroma of stale urine following you.

#2 – Tie your shoelaces. Before going into a men’s room, make sure nothing but the soles of your shoes touches the bathroom floor. If you don’t, well, be prepared leave them untied in perpetuity.

#1 – If ever possible, use the women’s room.