It seems we can't quite stay broken up, you and I. I'll admit there were times I thought this would never happen again; that my days of venting my bile upon you while demonstrating proper semicolon use were over forever. Yet, my Richard Burton (Google it), here we are again. It would seem some things (me, my blog, Sean Connery, that scene from 'Wild Things' where Denise Richards and Neve Campbell make out, Polish jokes, child labor, unequal pay in the workplace in particular and misogyny in general, Drake's cakes, Thundercats, that youtube video of the baby water buffalo escaping from both an alligator AND a lion SIMULTANEOUSLY, spelling 'dialog', 'dialogue' [it's just better that way] and the word 'Codswallop') are just too good to let fade into oblivion. So get out your prophylactic of choice 'cuz were about to get it on!
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT HAVE BOTHERED ME SINCE LAST WE MET
#5 - People who walk at your identical pace - If I'm walking along the street and you, stranger whom I have no reason to think isn't a serial killer, decide to step out of your car or local Kaballah center and step onto my street, walking at my pace, your shoulder to my shoulder shoulder, well then don't complain if you accidentally trip. Little known fact: Hookers, aka 'street walkers' were originally a kind of hall monitor for the streets, making sure no two strangers were forced to walk abreast of each other in uncomfortable silence, but, as man evolved and social contracts formed, these noble protectors of our sidewalks found themselves without work or purpose and, in their unflagging, if misplaced, desire to continue guiding us along life's major thoroughfares, they became the sherpas of the backseat, back alley and backd-- well, you know.
#4 - People who push the button for the elevator after it's already been pressed - What's your thought process here? I just want to understand where you're coming from is all. You see me standing at the elevator bank, briefcase in hand, repeatedly checking my watch and you think I'm just hanging out? Or do you realize that I'm waiting for the elevator, but think I'm too stupid to figure out how to push the button to get an elevator to come. Hmm? Which is it douchebag!? You think I'm an idiot? I should rip your arm off at the elbow and beat your skull in with your own ulna for insulting me like that; just consider yourself lucky that we're on the ground floor or I'd pry open the elevator door and throw you down the shaft. On a related note I may have been skipping my anger management classes.
#3 - People who microwave fish and cheese at work - I don't know why old people can't seem to smell the noxious odors their lunches emit, maybe their loss of the sense is some evolutionary defense mechanism you know, because old people are closer to death and thus partially decomposed and dead bodies stink. More problematic you can't remind them how bad it used to smell back in the days when they were young and old people would microwave fish and cheese cuz they didn't have microwaves back then. On the bright side, they have fragile hip bones...
#2 - Starting a list at #5 before realizing you don't have five things to talk about - Not that that would apply to me or anything. I'm just saying, in theory, that would be really annoying and kind of embarrassing. It'd be like asking that doctor for Levitra all over again, I mean, in theory. Wait, it's for my friend! No?
#1 - Not really having an steady opinion on healthcare reform - Look, I mean I'm torn. Sure it'd be nice for everyone to be able to see a doctor, and yes it'd be comforting to know that should my bosses ever find out that I haven't done any actual work since Thursday... January 29, 2009 (you checked it didn't you, feel stupid now dontcha?) and somehow think that were a fireable offense I would still be able to see a doctor who could renew my prescription for Lev-- umm allergy medication, but then again, sometimes we're better off putting great grampa on an ice floe and pushing him out to sea, you know? I mean do you think great gamps is gonna let you get away with that if he knows theres a bed waiting for him in a hospital? Heck no, especially not if you plan of driving all the way to Canada, he'll escape long before then... trust me. You should totally fly next time...
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT HAVE BOTHERED ME SINCE LAST WE MET
#5 - People who walk at your identical pace - If I'm walking along the street and you, stranger whom I have no reason to think isn't a serial killer, decide to step out of your car or local Kaballah center and step onto my street, walking at my pace, your shoulder to my shoulder shoulder, well then don't complain if you accidentally trip. Little known fact: Hookers, aka 'street walkers' were originally a kind of hall monitor for the streets, making sure no two strangers were forced to walk abreast of each other in uncomfortable silence, but, as man evolved and social contracts formed, these noble protectors of our sidewalks found themselves without work or purpose and, in their unflagging, if misplaced, desire to continue guiding us along life's major thoroughfares, they became the sherpas of the backseat, back alley and backd-- well, you know.
#4 - People who push the button for the elevator after it's already been pressed - What's your thought process here? I just want to understand where you're coming from is all. You see me standing at the elevator bank, briefcase in hand, repeatedly checking my watch and you think I'm just hanging out? Or do you realize that I'm waiting for the elevator, but think I'm too stupid to figure out how to push the button to get an elevator to come. Hmm? Which is it douchebag!? You think I'm an idiot? I should rip your arm off at the elbow and beat your skull in with your own ulna for insulting me like that; just consider yourself lucky that we're on the ground floor or I'd pry open the elevator door and throw you down the shaft. On a related note I may have been skipping my anger management classes.
#3 - People who microwave fish and cheese at work - I don't know why old people can't seem to smell the noxious odors their lunches emit, maybe their loss of the sense is some evolutionary defense mechanism you know, because old people are closer to death and thus partially decomposed and dead bodies stink. More problematic you can't remind them how bad it used to smell back in the days when they were young and old people would microwave fish and cheese cuz they didn't have microwaves back then. On the bright side, they have fragile hip bones...
#2 - Starting a list at #5 before realizing you don't have five things to talk about - Not that that would apply to me or anything. I'm just saying, in theory, that would be really annoying and kind of embarrassing. It'd be like asking that doctor for Levitra all over again, I mean, in theory. Wait, it's for my friend! No?
#1 - Not really having an steady opinion on healthcare reform - Look, I mean I'm torn. Sure it'd be nice for everyone to be able to see a doctor, and yes it'd be comforting to know that should my bosses ever find out that I haven't done any actual work since Thursday... January 29, 2009 (you checked it didn't you, feel stupid now dontcha?) and somehow think that were a fireable offense I would still be able to see a doctor who could renew my prescription for Lev-- umm allergy medication, but then again, sometimes we're better off putting great grampa on an ice floe and pushing him out to sea, you know? I mean do you think great gamps is gonna let you get away with that if he knows theres a bed waiting for him in a hospital? Heck no, especially not if you plan of driving all the way to Canada, he'll escape long before then... trust me. You should totally fly next time...
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Thanks Mr. "YouKnowWhatBothersMe" for finally posting on your wonderful blog once again! I have been visiting your blog just about every day for a year now, waiting, hoping, that one day you would permit me to study your brilliance once again! Just imagine my delight when I noticed this latest entry, a perfect cocktail of wit and objection! Thanks & keep it up!
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