RULES AND MEASURES

Have you ever noticed that you hold certain beliefs about yourself that are, to put it charitably, at odds with objective reality. I’ll give you an example that seems quite pervasive, height. My height has changed over the years. I don’t mean this in the literal sense. I stopped growing about 10 years ago and have been at least three different heights since then.


When I was growing up my mother would stand me up against a wall and, using her thumbs and a tape measure about half my actual length, determine my height. The process was not particularly scientific and resulted in statements like: “You’re somewhere between 5’8” and 6’4”.” Now, while I tried to stay level headed about these numbers (I thought taking the average and calling myself six foot even seemed fair, plus I have freakish jumping ability for a white man and, if I was really 6’4” I’d probably be in the NBA… let’s just say height isn’t my only misplaced belief), the truth is I allowed her optimism and questionable engineering skills to color my self-opinion. I’d go to a doctor and get measured with actual equipment designed for the task, he’d say I’m 5’10” and the following exchange would take place:

Me: I’m six foot
Doctor: No, you’re really not.
Me: I’m more than 5’10” though
Doctor: 5’10” and an eighth of an inch, if you want to get technical.
Me: AHA! You admit I’m taller than 5’10”
Doctor: Would you mind getting undressed again and laying down on the table over there, I think I might need to run some more tests on you.
Me: OK, how about we compromise and call it 5’11”?
Doctor: Hold on just a second I’m going to give you a prescription for some mood enhancers.
Me: My mood is fine.
Doctor: They’re for your girlfriend.

My doctor’s dry wit notwithstanding, I spent about 5 years at 5’11”. They were fun times. Eventually though, I had to give up the inch. It was painful, like a second circumcision, but I found that my own version of reality had, like congested pig, begun infecting those of others. Those of you without tape measure wielding mothers, I have found, often use friends and co-workers to ascertain their height. A conversation between two women standing 5’1” and 5’2” might go something like this:

Short girl: How tall are you?
Shorter girl: 5’3”, how tall are you?
Short girl: Well, I’m taller than you so like 5’4”, 5’5”.

These conversations are repeated over and over until everyone’s height is based on some myth created by a tape measure I won in third grade. I even shrunk my law school roommate.  I dont know what any of this means, I don't know if a lie is any more or less offensive if the person telling it believes it to be true, but, between this and adult dating sites I think we're going to make the ruler obsolete soon.