SHAME AND THE SINGLE GUY

This post is kind of long so, here it is:

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#1 - Getting an embarrassingly girly song stuck in your head – You know it’s happened to you before, you’re in CVS trying to decide between chunky monkey, and cinnamon and oatmeal chunk ice cream when before you know it bam, you’re singing along to Britney Spears, the words pouring out of your mouth like a P.O.W. trying to avoid a cavity search. You try to hide it after, pretend you didn’t just spill state secrets to protect your sphincter, but the fact remains you just said the words, “but all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, stay with you day and night, baby all I need is time.” and an entire store full of people heard it.

#2 - The word February – Feb-RU-ary? – What the hell is up with that first “r” it’s not like it serves any purpose, there isn’t a person alive who pronounces it. I’m convinced it’s just one of those inventions made up for those anal retentive, compulsively judgmental, speech obsessed, ninnies who enjoy pointing out other people’s flaws for no reason other than it gives them pleasure to see the look in said people’s faces when they realize that they are, in fact, morons. Hmmm, on second thought, never mind.

#3 - Peeing in moving vehicles – This one goes out to the guys who’ve ridden on busses or planes and been forced to balance in the bathroom with one hand while they aim with the other, trying desperately to keep the umm “spray,” dead center. It’s like that amusement park dollar game where you have to shoot the water into the clown’s mouth, only when you’re doing that you aren’t riding a rollercoaster.

#4 - Ear Buds – Exactly what is the philosophy behind the ear buds? Were they supposed to be gravity resistant? Is that why no one seems to have taken into account the fact that unless your aural cavity is the size of one of Patrick Ewing’s nostrils (http://members.aol.com/woopanice/EWING.HTM) or you’re one of those people who carry 10 liter jugs around on your head (http://www.ifad.org/photo/region/PI/IN.htm#), you’ll spend approximately 85% of your music listening time trying to find the lone head angle that will allow you to keep both those nefarious Q-tip wannabee’s in your ear? And then, of course, when you do find it, your phone rings.

#5 - People who tell baby stories over and over again – There are people who tell the same stories over and over and then there are people who tell you the same baby stories over and over, the difference? At least with the random story there is some small chance, however improbable the possibility, that you will find it interesting. On the other hand with the oft repeated baby story we have entered the realm of the improbable impossibility. No one, and by “no one” I mean everyone but baby obsessed women, has any interest in what your child, niece or nephew has done, it isn’t cute, it isn’t special, it’s just annoying and the reason is simple, nobody really cares about your baby.
Author’s Note: To those people I know who have babies…hmmm there really is no way to save this one is there?


Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean My Mother
God. I'd like to give a shoutout to the man upstairs for creating sleep. In short, sleeps rocks like Sean Connery on Red Rull. And (for all would be you grammarians out there, you can start a sentence with "and"), in a show of respect for this blessing onto man, I gorged myself on sleep this weekend, I slept until I could sleep no more... and then I napped.

Question Of The Day
Why do mothers refer to boxers as underpants?

Question Within a Question Of The Day
Is "underpants" still even a word in usage, or has it gone the way of skivvies remaining the property of pirates and and women who wish nothing but shame on their children?

The Reason Is Because
"It was a one day sale, maam, Friday and Saturday only." - Bloomingdale's sales woman
Well at least we're not wasting America's great minds working retail at Bloomindales.