Feb 22, 2006

NEW POST

Up at 9, unless well, anything remotely interesting presents itself.

Feb 15, 2006

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

Top 9 Reasons To Hate Valentine's Day (It's more than 5 so shut up!)

#9 - Red Underwear - Useless 364 days a year

#8 - Have you seen how many cards a Hallmark has? It's like being a blind guy at a lineup, you gotta pick someone, and you're almost sure it's going to be the wrong one.

#7 - The last minute date - It's February 13th the clocks ticking and you're still without a date. Suddenly the phone rings and you think you're safe, until you realize it's the midget with the humpback, harelip and one leg significantly longer calling to asks if you have plans> It's at this moment that you realize a sobering truth, if you want a date on Valentine's Day, you're going to have to accept Quasimodo's proposal and try not to pass out when the soup spills out his/her harelip at dinner.

#6 - The Importance of Being Earnest - you have to be sincere on Valentine's Day, and really, what if you're just starting a relationship, or worse, you haven't worked all the kinks out of your sincere and heartfelt voice, "I love you as much as I love baseball" might get taken the wrong way. It's just asking for a walkout.

#5 - The Walkout - A date walking out on you mid-dinner is bad, but when it's a Valentine's day dinner, odds are she isn't walking away from fried chicken with a side of slaw, (unless of course you're from Alabama, but then that really isn't too big a deal anyway, it's not like you won't have a chance to get even with your sister) and now you're faced with an unsolveable dilemma, pay the bill, leave the food uneaten and get the girl or, pay the bill, ask them to wrap dinner up, and find her 15 minutes later at your car door shivering and glaring at the doggie bag in your hand.

#4 - Valentine's Day Precedence - You think you're being good, think you're being nice, think you're being a wonderful boyfriend, remembering to buy a gift for your near manic girlfriend and then you find out about the precedence, apparently, Valentine's Day comes third in important day of the dating year heirarchy, after Anniversary and Birthday, so while Jerusalem may be quite the coup, they want Mecca and Medina too. That being said, when those other "special" days rear their ugly head, don't think she's forgotten what you got her for V-day, no, she's got it written down somewhere, and now you, you poor sap, have to top it. . . TWICE!

#3 - The Wife v. Girlfriend Dilemma - There's only one Valentine's Day a year, who gets it? Your wife, the mother of your children, the woman you love or your girlfriend, the woman with only one chin and a waistline the size of your wifes anklet.

#2 - Avoiding the Birthday - You think you're sitting pretty, you've just started dating a guy/girl, his/her birthday isnt till August, you've got a 6 month window before you need to make a decision as to whether or not he/she is worth a bigtime present, then comes Valentine's Day smacking your cheap self upside the head like a guy who tells Gib's he doesn't own a measuring cup.

#1 - Bad Poetry - Oh for the love of all that is good holy, please, please, pleeeeease, enough with the rhyming, really, it's not like Valentine's Day is sponsored by Dr. Suess. "It is not good, in fact it's bad, its worse than prose, really, it's quite sad."

Feb 14, 2006

RIGHTIES DON'T HOLD IT WITH THEIR LEFT HAND

There has been some backlash over the decreasing frequency with which my posts are being published. That is to say, you guys can't get enough of me. So much like a stalker both loves and hates the subject of their adoration, the anonymous posters on my site are both drawn to me and irritated by my lack of attention shown to them. Now, while I would like to have you guys committed to the nearest mental institute, I'm afraid the best I can do is post more, but if you really do love me, you'll at least lock yourself in a closet or something.

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 The two handed wave – The two handed wave should be limited to people trying to hail down the cab driving away with their luggage and those guys with the ear muffs and light sabers who direct planes. This wave is the ultimate in hubris. The only people who have the gall to try and pull this off are President’s, celebrities, and sports stars. It is the body gesture that announces to the world, “I know you love me, in fact, you love me so much, I must raise both my arms just to acknowledge and accept your limitless adoration.” While I can sympathize with the select few who are burdened with the affection ofSo masses, I cannot in good conscience (I’m just using this as an expression, it’s not like I have an actual conscience, well I do, but she’s only part time), forgive this violation of acceptable social gestures. If you want to wave with two hands go to Yankee Stadium and take part in the, aptly named, “Wave”, otherwise, for God’s sake keep one arm down it’s not like you’re getting mugged.

#2 - The Impotent Water Fountain – Never before has drinking required a condom. The lengths one is required to go to in order to swallow some pathetic amount of liquid are so extreme as to constitute a violation of public decency laws. Those disgustingly lovey newly minted couples who seem to think that the lips of their significant other are covered in some sort of life extending lip gloss perform fewer bile inducing acts of PDA (that’s public displays of affection for those of you who haven’t been introduced to the acronym) in a week than you do in 30 seconds of trying to suck the water out of the fountain with low motility. On the bright side, at least you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.

#3 - People who fall asleep at my Super Bowl party – So I threw a Super Bowl party last week and I know what you’re thinking, “I wasn’t invited?” So let me just say this and nip any problems in the bud, No, you weren’t invited. But more to the point those that did show up were soon divesting themselves of the constricting coil of consciousness, choosing to watch the interior of the eyelids over the game. Not to wax Shakespearian, but the question I pose to you is this, as a party thrower, am I supposed to be scheduling nap time? Is there a guidebook I can pick up somewhere entitled “What to do When 6 of the 97 Million People Watching the Super Bowl Fall Asleep and They Are All at Your Party?” Or should I just send their parents a bill for babysitting?

#4 - Valentine’s Day – While I will have an expanded Top 10 Reasons I Hate Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I would like to give a brief summary of why Valentine’s Day blows like a pro bono hooker (if you don’t know what pro bono means, then well, you’re an idiot). The way I see it Valentine’s Day sucks whether you have a date or not. For those who do not, you are forced to spend an entire weekend contemplating exactly why it is you are dateless and convince yourself, this fact aside, that you are not a social leper. If, however, you do have a date, then you are now faced with an equally distasteful reality. You are one of the people whose mere existence makes me want to puke so badly I eat extra meals in advance of thinking about you, just to make sure the explosive discharge that will soon follow suits the antipathy I hold you in. like I said, lose lose.

#5 - Catty Girls (at least when it doesn’t end up in some sort of disrobed wrestling situation) – It has recently been pointed out to me that there are girls out there who find the very concept of another girl being, and I believe this is the technical term, hot or even worse, well dressed, so intimidating that instinct takes over any and all higher brain functions. The result is that this herd of sweatpants wearing, makeup needing, misanthropes is left trying to convert what few holdouts are left, like traveling Je hova’s Witnesses, only you know, in sweatpants. I just want to ask you this, why are you trying to take away one of the few things left that make me happy? Did I do something to you? Have I been mean to fat unattractive girls in sweatpants recently?

Droppin Some Knowledge
When peeing in a moving vehicle one is faced with the dilemma of maintaing balance and maintaing aim. As such, the makers of these mini-lavatories have seen fit to provide a handle on the right hand wall with which to maintain said balance. While it may appear logical to grip said handle with your right hand and grip, well, something else with the left, in actuality, the percentage of stream shot into the clown's mouth is far higher when the left-handed cross grip is employed.

Who I Like Today and I Don't Mean Stalkers
Sports Illustrated - Thank you SI for understanding that women on beaches in very small swimsuits has alot to do with sports. Also, I love the articles. . . they have articles right?

I HAVE THE POWER

Lost my power cord, but now I have it back, posts aplenty as soon as class is over. Time to get psyched.

Feb 1, 2006

RETURN OF THE KING

Ok, so I lied to you, but I think it's important to keep in mind it's not like those lies your parents told you, like you're special or attractive, leading you to spend your life in a constant state of disappointment, never getting what you think you deserve (but actually don't). In fact thanks to me there are people walking around knowing exactly how non-special and unattractive they are. So keep that in mind before keep you harping on about me not posting when I said I would. Also as a sidenote, I was born lazy, it's not like I can do anything about it. Now onto the show.

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – Old people who start conversations with strangers - Much like baby stories are the worst to repeatedly hear, the old people who start up conversations with you are the worst of the random conversation starters. While Taxi drivers and people in elevators will generally limit their random conversations to the weather and the best type of car air freshener, old people will actually ask you annoying personal questions and expect a thoughful and considered answer. Even worse, you can't be sarcastic to old people, for starters, so many of their brain cells have passed on that they don't even notice the corn sticking to their face, let alone conversational subtleties. More importantly if by some miracle they managed to conserve a small measure of awareness into their dottery and catch the gist of your biting sarcasm, there is overwhelming chance that they could die in the immediate future. So there you go, you just made fun of a dead guy, you are now almost obligated to go to thE funeral, and THAT'S really just going to ruin your day. . . those things last for FOREVER!

#2 – People who don’t know when to give up a lie - I personally have never told a lie (please ignore above admission to said lie). However, from what I've observed of this admirable, I mean disgusting, habit in others, the general lying concept can be summarized in the immortal words of Kenny Rogers "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." The key to maintaining the long term viability of your future lies is to never become so tied to your lie that you can't admit, even when faced with incontrovertible evidence, that you're full of crap. The overly dedicated or stubborn liars think that holding this untennable position somehow makes their lie more belivable, e.g. "Wasn't Me" Shaggy, what happens in reality is that you are now doing two things, lying, and insulting the intelligence of your listener. So in short, once you've been caugh. . . be honest, oh and play poker with me, please.

#3 – Being outside the 18-24 marketing range - I would like to preface this by pointing out that I am 25 and very athletic, well I watch alot of athletics, but, sometimes before watching television I walk over to the TV itself to turn it on, so clearly, I'm in good shape. Anyway, not too long ago I took a survey, and at the end of this waste of time there was a question asking how old the survey taker was, and this being a survey, it provided a choice of age ranges, it looked something like this:
10 - 17
18 - 24
25 - 40
40 - dead
According this insulting ageist propoganda my interests lie more with Allan Greenspan than Allan Iverson, HMO's over MTV and Julia Childs over Julia Roberts (and she's OLD!). Even worse, according to this survey, I'm one step away from death, DEATH! Another scare like that and I may just need "Depends."

#4 – Hard workers - As someone who can see his mortal end just over the proverbial horizon, I have decided to spend what little time I have left on this Earth as constructively as I can, by watching TV and and napping. Unfortunately, there are those among us who despite the risks to their health and overall TV knowledge have chosen to depart from this health conscious course, take their lives into their hands, and do actual work. WORK! It's bad enough that these devil may care, risk takers blantantly flout sound medical advice and flaunt their stupidity in public, but now teachers and employers expect the rest of us sane people to go around taking these crazy health risks; giving out HW and not providing naptime in addition to a lunch break. Do the hard workers even know about "24?"

#5 – People who work out - It has been pointed out to me that if I am going to complain about guys who spend 80% of their lives in the gym, I am not supposed to enjoy women who do the same. As such I am now putting an official moratorium on anyone making gym appearances more than twice a week. So to all the meatheads with marbles for testicles, all the gym bunnies with abs that more closely resemble a togographical map than a stomach and the fatties who think running on a treadmill 6 days a week will compensate for swallowing small animals in a single bite, if you feel the need to turn your body into an advertisement for "Health and Fitness Magazine" for God's sake, just eat less!

Pandering to Perverts
Marble sized testicles

Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Matt Hassleback
The Pittsburgh Steelers - money, money, money, mooooney. . . moooooooney. Betting's legal right?

The Reason Is Because
I know i havent posted in quite a while, but honestly, I'm watching 24, and nothing anyone said pops up as stupid at the moment. Sorry.