I DON'T KNOW WHAT FRUMPY IS BUT ONOMOTOPOETICALLY, SOUNDS CORRECT

Welcome to 2008 readers. I hope this finds you you happy, healthy and enacting my aforementioned resolutions for the new year. Failing that, I hope you at least feel guilty. Anway rather than spend time thinking of segue or a new post idea I'm just going to continue a list I started a while back, 'English Aphorisms that Don't Make Any Sense.' For the original list click here: http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2006/03/secret-lives-of-orthapedists.html

'English Aphorisms that Don't Make Any Sense' Continued

Wait just a cotton pickin minute - Exactly what unit of time is 'a cotton pickin minute?' Is it shorter than a regular minute? Longer? It seems like it would be longer you know, picking cotton doesn't seem like an expedient activity. Then again, the use of 'just' implies a minimal request, so maybe it's shorter. More to the point, why do you want me to wait a cotton pickin minute at all? Do you have to go pick cotton before we get to whatever it is we're getting to? Don't we have machines for that now? As an aside, I'm surprise Al Sharpton hasn't spoken out against it's continued use, though I suppose he'll get to it in a cotton pickin minute.

The whole nine yards - The whole nine yards? I don't know which part of this expression bothers me more. The fact that nine yards isn't a unit of measure of anything (except for nine yards), or the fact that someone felt it necessary to add the word 'whole.' Maybe somebody started saying "that's the nine yards right there" and someone said "Is that good?" "Was I aiming for ten yards? 100?" and so in trying to save the completely arbitrary choice of number he made it "the whole nine yards" so people would at least know it was a good thing.

Rome wasn't built in day - I know what this expression means. I know it espouses patience. I will even concede that Rome was not, in fact, built in a single day. What I don't understand, however, is, who the hell thought Rome was built in a day? When is this expression useful? Is there some foreman out there whipping constuction workers screaming; "Come on build faster, afterall, if they could build Rome in a day..." Seriously, if you were waiting for someone to let's say finish putting together a model airplane before going to a movie and you asked if they were done yet, and they responded, "Rome wasnt built in a day, you know," wouldn't you say "No sh*t Sherlock (now that's an idiom I can get behind), but you can put a model airplane together in under three hours!"

It's not rocket science - Things that are more difficult than rocket science, finding the cures for: AIDS, paralysis, blindness, male pattern baldness, erectile dysfucntion; making a car that can park itself; explaining how Pauley Shore is a millionaire; getting an American to talk to you when you call customer service. Of all the difficult things in the world to choose from, we've settled on rocket science as our paradogmatic example? I can go into Toys R' Us and buy a fully functioning rocket for ages 4 and up for $11.95, don't think I'll find a cure for lupus there though.

Love means never having to say your sorry - What a load of crap! Think about it, do you know of anyone apologizes more than married men? There are cold hard hermit criminal child rapist murders out there who are completely and totally unloved, they will probably go their entire lives without ever apologizing, but if you have a girlfriend you'll spend 45% of your day telling yourself you're not going to apologize and 37% of it apologizing (The other 18 percent is spent in the bathroom and or watching/reading about sports).