THE RUNS

Before we begin today I'd just like to take a minute to mention that the good folks over at The Vertex decided to carry a new and improved version of last week's post on the Mercedes commercial on their blog.  It's a cool site, mostly because they think I'm funny, so check it out and you know maybe you can try the commenting thing.  Anyway, onto the post!

Some people be allowed to shouldn't run.  I know this may come as a chock to some of you, but when a lot of you run, you, well, you look stupid.  I don't mean this to sound judgmental or controlling, because in all honesty if you running only made you look stupid I'd totally be OK with letting you run.  I would.  The problem is when some of you run, well you look SO bad doing it, it makes others wonder if that's what they look like when they run.  It's kind of like that uncomfortable humor from the first season of 'The Office', only more depressing.  Let me see if I can explain it better.  You know how when you're watching a movie and a guy gets kicked in the nuts and, if you're a guy or Cher's daughter, you involuntarily cringe and cross your legs?  Or like when you watch a guy ask a girl six 'mmm mmm's' out of his appropriate hotness mating index (AHMI for short; I like to pronounce it Amy and picture her as the brunette on Community because with the right hair and wardrobe she can slide in anywhere from average to damn she's Jewish!?) and you just know he's going to get humiliated and so you scrunch you face up all Renee Zellwegery and wait for the rejecetion to drop?  Yeah, it's a lot like that.

It's taken some time, but as a society we've come to a general consensus that singing, dancing and telling your friends supposedly funny stories should be limited to people with natural ability or years of hard work and training.  Sure we had the Karaoke club setback of 1988, and the American Idol casting episodes of the Aughts, but even they are more a tools for drunken mockery and self deprecation than genuine misguided belief in a non-existent talent.  And yes sometimes your friends will say oh my god the funniest  thing happened to me today, but now we've agreed that it's OK to tell them, "No, it didn't. Odds are it was barely even borderline amusing, I'm talking somewhere between Veronica's closet and a bad episode of Will & Grace. I'll tell you what, why don't you write it down and if you still think it's funny leave it in my inbox and I'll check it later."  (We did all agree to start saying that right?  Cuz if I'm the only one doing it I'm not really at the forefront of a revolution so much as I am the jerk about to get punched in the face.)  Somehow though, running never made it on the list.

Well, I'm here to fix that and tell those of you who let you arms swing, who hold one hand on your bosom, who lean forward like you're trying to cut the wind with your skull; those of you who let your messenger bag flop around you like hooked rainbow trout; those of you hold onto your hat and keep your elbow high; those of you jiggle in many unsightly place and ways; those of you who sweat copiously in dark colored dress shirts.  All of you, you have been put on notice.  So please, for our sakes, just be late.