CAN YOU AFFORD NOT TO READ THIS? ACTUALLY, YES, BUT PLEASE DO

So I was watching TV last night (and well, all the others) when a commercial for Mercedes-Benz came on.  I know what you're thinking, "You watched a commercial?  Is it the Superbowl already?" No, it's not, but, every once in a while, I like to eschew the use of my DVR and travel back to a simpler time, like say 2006 and watch commercials like the pilgrims did.  Anyway, unlike most car commercials which tend to blur into faceless melange of 34 highway MPG and 0% APR financing for people who have enough money not to need it, this one caught my attention and by the end of the 30 second spot I was officially (I don't know that I could tell you how this differs from unofficially, maybe it's notarized.) offended.

Now don't get me wrong, I think they make quite the attractive car -- its the walnut burlwood on the interior that seals it for me -- though, in reality, I think, for the most part, people buy a Mercedes because it's expensive and everyone knows it.  There's nothing wrong with that of course, if I had the money I'd arrange for a machine to make it rain every time I walked into a room.  Still, a commercial is a sales pitch, so let's call a spade an undersized shovel, shall we?

Given that premise, you'd assume that ad agency hired to sell you a Mercedes would make use of this knowledge.  I imagine slow languorous shots of blond maple wood grain would be involved, a bunch of people at the valet stand staring at you jealously as you climb into your Mercedes, maybe an impossibly beautiful woman going Anna-Nicole Smith on an old dude, you get the picture.  Instead, this commercial went a completely different way, safety(I don't know why I'm shocked I mean who wouldn't feel safe putting their lives in the hands of the Germans?).  It touted crash tests, reinforced cages, airbags in the trunk for your kidnap victims, a hydrogen peroxide dispenser to neutralize infection in case you get a paper-cut while counting your money, a digital face mask so that your more unfortunate relatives won't be able to recognize you and hit you up for cash at red lights and, I believe, brakes.

These are all well and good, necessary even if the trailer park's in walking distance to major roadways, but the part that really twisted my sheets (Note to self: I really will have to get into that whole top sheet thing sometime, it's like a Chinese finger puzzle in there) was the tag line.  After spending all that time going on about how safe their cars are the announcer says: "Given all this, the question isn't 'can you afford to drive a Mercedes Benz?', but whether you can afford not to."

Apparently, the people at Mercedes Benz think so highly of their car that if you don't buy one, you clearly don't respect the lives of your passengers.  It's true.  In their minds, if you ask a girl out on a date, swing by her place to pick her up and she comes out to see you in a Lexus, she would be completely within her rights to hit you in the face with a pitching wedge (Sorry, Tiger).  If you have kids,the good lawyers of Mercedes would advise them to seek early emancipation, or to perhaps call Angelina Jolie and ask if she's got any room left because you clearly don't love them.  Your wife should, of course, leave you and offer her services to any man with a Mercedes.  Now, obviously, there are more people who need to get around in cars than there are Mercedes owners so, it stands to reason, the good people at Mercedes think it's OK for Mercedes' owners to be polygamous and, if they aren't the committing type, to start their own harems.  (Little know fact, Utah leads the nation in Mercedes ownership.  Kidding.).  After all, safety first.

It's the way the announcer says "not" too that gets to me.  He's not just asking if you can afford not to but a Mercedes, he's accusing us of coming to the wrong conclusion.  It's as if he's read your mind and knows that you've looked at your yearly income, factored in your expenses and  decided to eat this year instead of buying a Mercedes and he's asking if you've really thought it through and if so, and somehow you still decided not to buy one, perhaps you need to talk it over with someone a little smarter than you. You know what Mercedes, I have a question for you, have you ever heard of Volvo!?