EXCHANGE RATES

Sorry about skipping Monday's 'Top Five Things That Bother Me' but, given recent events, I couldn’t quite work up the necessary agitation to whine about minor inconveniences peeves. I know, I’m as surprised by this as you are, but I can’t control the muse, only direct it. That being said let me share with you a story that defines America like no other.

So I went to Starbucks yesterday. No, that isn’t the end of the story, though I suppose that would do a pretty good job of defining America all on its own. There’s more, however. So I’m in Starbucks, and while I’m waiting for them to make me my Grande caramel apple spice (that’s a medium cup of warm apple juice, in English) I picked up a CD they had on sale, let me rephrase, a CD they had, FOR sale, nothing in Starbucks is ever actually, ON sale. Anyway, it was a Buddy Holly collection (because Starbucks is oh, so cool and retro), a rather good one at that, even if it was lacking Brown-Eyed Girl. The thing was, when I flipped the CD over to look at the price (because when you’re in Starbucks spending $3.50 for cup of apple juice, buying CD’s doesn’t seem all that dumb anymore), it still listed the price in Canada and the U.S. Now, I don’t know how familiar all of you are with international currency, but I think it’s safe to assume you’re all aware of the fact that earlier this year the Canadian dollar actually edged ahead of the greenback in terms of buying power. It’s a day that will live in infamy for me, a day when I could no longer make jokes about Canadian quarters (they should be called eighths), a day on which I could no longer point to the loon and the toon as having more comedic value (looney toons) that monetary. In short, it was sort of like finding out that a 1984 Luis Sojo error card is worth more than a 1923 Babe Ruth rookie card. It just doesn’t make sense, no matter how true it may be.

Anyway, the point of the story is, when I looked at the price on the back and saw the Canadian price, it was a full TWO DOLLARS MORE. That’s right people. Here in the United Sates of Hell Yeah America, we don’t care about exchange rates. We don’t give a damn about relative value or, you know, accuracy. In my United States, Canada’s money is worth less and regardless of the economic climate, the apparent recession, rising inflation and whatever other so called ‘negative economic indicators’ may point to the dollar’s weakness, it always will be.

So come on down Canadian tourists. Bring your loons and toons, your French accents and your God save the Queens you European wannabes. Just remember, here, in the United States of Hell Yeah America, we’ll always be better than you.

Just for fun I’ve decided to append a hypothetical conversation between a Canadian Tourist and an American store owner.

Canadian Tourist: Hi I’d like to buy this.
American Store Owner: That will be five dollars
CT: Here you go sir
ASO: What the f#ck is this piece of sh$t crap?
CT: Pardon me?
ASO: You heard me motherf#cker what kinda crap are you trying to pull?
CT: What? But it’s Canadian money, it’s a $10 bill!
ASO: Candian huh?
CT: Yes, that’s right
ASO: OK, well that’ll be ten dollars then.
CT: What? You said it was five?
ASO: It’s five dollars for REAL money, for this Canadian sh&t it’s ten
CT: But... our dollars worth more?
ASO: What the f@ck did you just say?
CT: ...Our... our dollar’s worth more?
ASO: Say that again! Go ahead, say it! I’m beggin’ ya, PLEASE, say it, just say it once more so I can beat the snot outta your pansy @ss. You hockey loving, anti-American, commie bastard. SAY IT!
CT: So... ten dollars?
ASO: F@ckin’ right!

America... Hell Yeah!