I'D LIKE THE PIE, PLEASE

It's Monday and that means I'm grumpy, so here, for your displeasure:

Top Five Things That Bother Me Today:

#5 - Inaccurate menus - I consider a menu to be a form of contract. A guaranteed offer to me, the consumer, that anything on this list that I may want, will be provided to me forthwith. Accordingly, when I hear, "I'm sorry, we're out of that." I find myself hungry for resititution (and apple mango pie). Imagine what would happen if we let other businesses get away with this kind of false advertising. Men walking into brothels would find the healthy, voluptuous blonde they ordered was, in point of fact, a well-fed, STD ridden, black woman. After visiting said brothel you'd go to your doctor for a shot of broad spectrum anti-biotics and he'd offer you a flu shot instead. You'd go to the drug store to buy gauze for the oozing postule that has formed in your groinal region and be offered new underwear instead. I don't mean to judge, but I don't think fresh undies solves the problem.

#4 - People who keep saying, "Can you hear me?" - No! No, they can't hear you, you know why? Because your phone has no service! You know what the sign of them being able to hear you would be? If they answered you! They remind me of those people who used to use string and 2 cups to converse, only in this case their string isn't attached to anything else. You're dumb! Can you hear that?

#3 - Air Fresheners - Ever been in a taxi? Yea, nuff said.

#2 - Gn vs. Kn - OK, I get the whole silent letter thing but can we please just pick a silent consonant to put in front of the letter 'N' and stick with it? Just for a little while? On the one hand; Gnome, Gnat, Gnarled. On the other Knee, Knife, Knock. Is 'N' like a letter placement organization? Feeling underutilized? Feeling like you're too low in the QWERTY universe? Well then, come on down to words that begin with the letter 'N' we'll make room for you. If I see 'Zneel' any time soon I'm launcing an investigation.

#1 - Being put on hold - Ooooh! I really don't like it. What I like even less is that fake voice telling me my call is important. Thank you, I feel so reassured knowing that you're as confident as I am that my beef's legitimate. But the truth is, they don't think that, in fact, if it was honest, that voice would say, "Customer service costs alot so instead of connecting you to an actual person immediately, we're going to keep you on hold for 5 minutes and hope that you just get fed up, hang up and ultimately, give up on coplaining entirely." I am sad to say, I can't seem to find a strategy better than theirs, maybe I should send them an advertisement for that brothel.