I was walking down Broadway today and there were these two women walking down the street carrying corn stalks in shopping carts. Not ears of corn mind you, not corn with the husk still on, friggin' whole stalks of corn. It's like they'd just come back from visiting Ohidowa (that would be Ohio, Idaho and Iowa) and decided to take a cash crop back as a tsotchke, only we were in the middle of New York City and there wasn't an airport in sight. What amazed me more than the stalks though was that no one else seemed to think it was odd! I mean the Children of the Corn are walking about the like Four Horsemen and not a single person in sight reacted. I think we've become desensitized to the absurd and abnormal. I mean, you don't even realize how odd I am anymore. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your obliviousness, but I think you may be in danger. For example, I was sitting on one of those wooden benches waiting for the subway the other day and this crazy dude who smelled like fermenting vomit sat down next to me. I, of course, being in possession of all five of my senses, got up and moved as far away as my olfactory receptors necessitated. When I turned around, however, the dude who was sitting next to me was still there, only now he was having a conversation with eau de puke. I guess it's possible that he was just a nice guy and didn't want to offend another human being, but trust me on this crazy dude was CRAZY he didn't need anyone to talk to, he had a whole cast of characters he seemed to converse with on a regular basis all on his own; at least one of which should probably be on antipsychotics overweight or not.
Showing posts with label lateness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lateness. Show all posts
Oct 30, 2009
FIVE O'CLOCK SHADOW
Sorry about not posting yesterday readers. I've fallen into a bit of a rut lately, posting my pearls in the late afternoon well past that magic 90 minute span from 9:00-10:30 when everyone searches for something to read while they acclimatize themselves to the rigors of the day. Much like shaving at night, I left myself with an unenviable dilemma; repost again in the morning and let yesterday's flowers bloom for but a moment, or, wait till they have had time to open their petals and scented the air for their allotted day (yes, I know, I mixed my metaphors, I'm open to rhetorical miscegenation). Being lazy, I chose the latter and so the cycle continued, repeating itself like a computer following shampoo instructions (lather, rinse, repeat...). Anyway, I finally decided it was time to break the cycle. So that's why there wasn't a post yesterday. As for why today's post is not going up till lunch time well, five o'clock, I refer you back to 'I'm lazy'. Hey, it's not like I'm getting paid for this! Well I mean technically I'm doing this while I'm at work and I'm getting paid for that so... Whatever, on to the show (Is it 'on to' or 'onto'? it sounds like onto but on to makes much more sense, I think this is one of those situations where 'sounds right' might lead you astray).
I was walking down Broadway today and there were these two women walking down the street carrying corn stalks in shopping carts. Not ears of corn mind you, not corn with the husk still on, friggin' whole stalks of corn. It's like they'd just come back from visiting Ohidowa (that would be Ohio, Idaho and Iowa) and decided to take a cash crop back as a tsotchke, only we were in the middle of New York City and there wasn't an airport in sight. What amazed me more than the stalks though was that no one else seemed to think it was odd! I mean the Children of the Corn are walking about the like Four Horsemen and not a single person in sight reacted. I think we've become desensitized to the absurd and abnormal. I mean, you don't even realize how odd I am anymore. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your obliviousness, but I think you may be in danger. For example, I was sitting on one of those wooden benches waiting for the subway the other day and this crazy dude who smelled like fermenting vomit sat down next to me. I, of course, being in possession of all five of my senses, got up and moved as far away as my olfactory receptors necessitated. When I turned around, however, the dude who was sitting next to me was still there, only now he was having a conversation with eau de puke. I guess it's possible that he was just a nice guy and didn't want to offend another human being, but trust me on this crazy dude was CRAZY he didn't need anyone to talk to, he had a whole cast of characters he seemed to converse with on a regular basis all on his own; at least one of which should probably be on antipsychotics overweight or not.
I was walking down Broadway today and there were these two women walking down the street carrying corn stalks in shopping carts. Not ears of corn mind you, not corn with the husk still on, friggin' whole stalks of corn. It's like they'd just come back from visiting Ohidowa (that would be Ohio, Idaho and Iowa) and decided to take a cash crop back as a tsotchke, only we were in the middle of New York City and there wasn't an airport in sight. What amazed me more than the stalks though was that no one else seemed to think it was odd! I mean the Children of the Corn are walking about the like Four Horsemen and not a single person in sight reacted. I think we've become desensitized to the absurd and abnormal. I mean, you don't even realize how odd I am anymore. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate your obliviousness, but I think you may be in danger. For example, I was sitting on one of those wooden benches waiting for the subway the other day and this crazy dude who smelled like fermenting vomit sat down next to me. I, of course, being in possession of all five of my senses, got up and moved as far away as my olfactory receptors necessitated. When I turned around, however, the dude who was sitting next to me was still there, only now he was having a conversation with eau de puke. I guess it's possible that he was just a nice guy and didn't want to offend another human being, but trust me on this crazy dude was CRAZY he didn't need anyone to talk to, he had a whole cast of characters he seemed to converse with on a regular basis all on his own; at least one of which should probably be on antipsychotics overweight or not.
Feb 20, 2008
BLOW ME!
It's been a while friends. I'd apologize, but I'm not actually sorry, and I don't want to lie to you (unless it's for personal gain or amusement). Lots has happened though, so I'll try to sum it all up in the next couple of days. Time is short though so let's get down to business.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Feeling Guilty About My Recurrent Lateness - I know what you're thinking (I generally do, you're predictable like that), I should feel guilty about being late all the time; its my fault, I'm wasting other people's valuable time, all that responsibility hokum. Fair point counselor (I know you're not a lawyer, did I mention I am? No? I am.). A lesser man, and by lesser man I mean someone willing to admit the existence of personal faults, might even think them winning arguments. That being said, as has been pointed out by Royalty, heads of state and my mom, I am not a lesser man. You see, the way I think about it, my inability to be on time is a sort of handicap, like a stutter or a limp or relying on puns. And we, and by we I mean people other than me, hold the handicapped to a lower standard; not blaming them for spitting all over you while they attempt to enunciate, or for jabbing your toe with their cane, or for ending every third sentence with "no pun intended." All I'm saying is, try to understand... nothing's my fault. Is that asking so much?
#4 - Hand Blowers in Public Restrooms - A recent survey found that as many as 37% of people don't wash their hands after using a public restroom. 37%!! Now while I just made up that statistic, you have to admit it's disturbing nonetheless. So my question is, why are we punishing the 63% of the population actually concerned with heptitis, by making them stand in a public restroom inhaling that pungent aroma of eau de urine? I get that the environment is important and that paper towels come from trees and there are reindeer in the Arctic, I just don't think I'm willing to inhale urine to protect them. Plus, I think the whole, 'let's use one-ply toilet paper in the stalls' idea, more than makes up for paper towel abuse.
#3 - Dramatizations - Have you ever been watching TV while someone being interview described an event from their life? Yes? Good. Have you ever then seen that incident re-enacted? With the littel words 're-enactment' or 'dramatization' in the bottom corner? Even better. Have you ever then asked yourself this? "How dumb do they think I am?" They really need to show me an actor picking a lock so I can understand what the guy on TV meant when he said, "I picked the lock."? Look I'm more than willing to admit that lots of people who aren't me are dumb, most in fact, but that doesn't mean we need to have illustrated conversations. What's next, caricature artists accompanying you on dates?
#2 - Sell By Date - I get the 'born on' date, I get the 'best if used by date', I do. I do NOT, however, in any shape way or form, comprehend the 'sell-by' date. Why are they even giving me this information? Is it a handy sugesstion for those in the retail milk resale business? Do they think I'm going to stand out on a corner screaming "MILK! Get your milk here."? Is there some secret algorithm that I'm unaware of by which you can derive the expiration date from the 'sell by' date? I feel like I need a dramatization to help me understand this thing.
#1 - Ryan Seacrest - I know I've covered this before but the man is EVERYWHERE! I passed some homeless men singing in the subway station last night and there he was giving me useless information about hobo#1 and his affinity for Colt .45 malt beer. I feel like instead of investigating the scab on Roger Clemen's butt Congress should get to work on legislation that limits the amount of time his lordship, 'Sir I Had Brown Hair in Season One' spends on camera each week.
I'm spent, more tomorrow.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Feeling Guilty About My Recurrent Lateness - I know what you're thinking (I generally do, you're predictable like that), I should feel guilty about being late all the time; its my fault, I'm wasting other people's valuable time, all that responsibility hokum. Fair point counselor (I know you're not a lawyer, did I mention I am? No? I am.). A lesser man, and by lesser man I mean someone willing to admit the existence of personal faults, might even think them winning arguments. That being said, as has been pointed out by Royalty, heads of state and my mom, I am not a lesser man. You see, the way I think about it, my inability to be on time is a sort of handicap, like a stutter or a limp or relying on puns. And we, and by we I mean people other than me, hold the handicapped to a lower standard; not blaming them for spitting all over you while they attempt to enunciate, or for jabbing your toe with their cane, or for ending every third sentence with "no pun intended." All I'm saying is, try to understand... nothing's my fault. Is that asking so much?
#4 - Hand Blowers in Public Restrooms - A recent survey found that as many as 37% of people don't wash their hands after using a public restroom. 37%!! Now while I just made up that statistic, you have to admit it's disturbing nonetheless. So my question is, why are we punishing the 63% of the population actually concerned with heptitis, by making them stand in a public restroom inhaling that pungent aroma of eau de urine? I get that the environment is important and that paper towels come from trees and there are reindeer in the Arctic, I just don't think I'm willing to inhale urine to protect them. Plus, I think the whole, 'let's use one-ply toilet paper in the stalls' idea, more than makes up for paper towel abuse.
#3 - Dramatizations - Have you ever been watching TV while someone being interview described an event from their life? Yes? Good. Have you ever then seen that incident re-enacted? With the littel words 're-enactment' or 'dramatization' in the bottom corner? Even better. Have you ever then asked yourself this? "How dumb do they think I am?" They really need to show me an actor picking a lock so I can understand what the guy on TV meant when he said, "I picked the lock."? Look I'm more than willing to admit that lots of people who aren't me are dumb, most in fact, but that doesn't mean we need to have illustrated conversations. What's next, caricature artists accompanying you on dates?
#2 - Sell By Date - I get the 'born on' date, I get the 'best if used by date', I do. I do NOT, however, in any shape way or form, comprehend the 'sell-by' date. Why are they even giving me this information? Is it a handy sugesstion for those in the retail milk resale business? Do they think I'm going to stand out on a corner screaming "MILK! Get your milk here."? Is there some secret algorithm that I'm unaware of by which you can derive the expiration date from the 'sell by' date? I feel like I need a dramatization to help me understand this thing.
#1 - Ryan Seacrest - I know I've covered this before but the man is EVERYWHERE! I passed some homeless men singing in the subway station last night and there he was giving me useless information about hobo#1 and his affinity for Colt .45 malt beer. I feel like instead of investigating the scab on Roger Clemen's butt Congress should get to work on legislation that limits the amount of time his lordship, 'Sir I Had Brown Hair in Season One' spends on camera each week.
I'm spent, more tomorrow.
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