EXPRESSIONISM

As I write this post I'm sitting in my room in NY on vacation with and ice pack on my left knee and a heat pack on right shoulder (I'm not sure if heat or cold is the proper approach and I've seen people do both on TV, so I figure at least this way I've got a 50/50 shot). You might naturally ask yourself, "were you in an accident?" "Did you hurt yourself playing ball?" and be perfectly justified doing so. Unfortunately, while both of these are valid questions, and I'd love to say that they were in fact the cause of my current infirmity, neither are true. It would seem that I, at the ripe old age of 25, am now beginning the long and not so slow descent into old age and fragility, the point in life where going to sleep becomes a dangerous activity that could result in a hospital visit and an MRI. So if there is anyone else out there suffering from the cruel ravages of time, but is younger than I am, please comment and tell me how much your life sucks, it'll make me smile as I go into the MRI.
Now to quiet the maddening crowd:

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#1 - People who say "no pun intended" - First off, it's a lie, you wanted to make a joke, wanted to have people laugh at your wordplay, unfortunately, you resorted to the pun, the lowest form of all humor, and as such needed to point out the fact that you even made a joke. Secondly, it's a bad lie. It's like when you ask a girl out and she starts laughing at you and you try to cover by going " yea I know pretty funny joke huh?" (before making the obligatory, "has that happened to you comment?" please note I used "you" as an example). The only people who ever say "no pun intended" are those who are overcome with the desperate urge to make a joke, but are tragically limited comedically. Now while you might have some pity on these poor souls, thinking of them as handicapped in a sense. I urge you not to cave into pity here. These people aren't simply unknowng children trying to impress their parents, these are people who are aware of their comedic limitations. However, instead of simply acknowledging those shortcomings and becoming accountants, they've chosen to attempt jokes anyway. Shame on you all. Now go do my taxes!

#2 - People who go to Harvard - Not much to say here, but I'm thinking that if we all focus our hatred in the direction of the attendees, and really, unless you go to Harvard, shouldn't you hate them, maybe we can bury them under a mound of pink slime, kind of like the underground river of hate in Ghostbusters II .

#3 - The hats men in they navy wear - http://www.guardcloset.com/PHOTOS/600247.jpg - Seriously, these are our armed services, the people who are entrusted with protecting us, charged with a single duty, intimidate the crap out of the bad guys. And to accomplish this goal we dress them lke 4 year olds? Is there anything intimating about a hat that looks like it was designed by one of the gay rejects from Project Runway, I know what you're thinking "aren't they all gay?" and the answer is, yes, but I've got to give Heidi Klum credit for turning at least one guy straight. . . and all they girls gay.

#4 - Making people smarter and prettier in death - So this rather plain looking, chunky, hispanic woman was raped and murdered at some point last week. Now while her death of course saddens me (whatever, I have to at least pretend, the FBI might read this at somepoint and I think I fit the psychological profile for a sociopath a bit too well as is) what troubles me is that at least 3 different newspapers ran her picture on the cover with a heading including the word "beautiful." Now I know they saw her face before printing this, so my question is this; why is it that when peope die we feel the need to make them out to be things they never were? Ms. I-Was-Raped-And-Am-Now-Dead, was probably good at something, maybe darts. . . or parcheesi, so why not put that on the cover next to her picture instead ofa blatant lie which will only cause thousands of people (Ok, so maybe just me) to mock the dead. I think a headline like this would have worked perfectly, "PLAIN LOOKING, CHUNKY, HISPANIC GIRL WHO BY THE WAY ROCKED THE HOUSE AT PARCHEESI, WAS RAPED AND KILLED TODAY" What do you think?

#5 - Random hot women who stand on the stage at the Oscars - Ok, before you start yelling at me, or you know, typing in caps, I am all for getting as many hot women on TV as possible, but it seems that these women's (that's a weird grammatical construction right there) sole purpose is to navigate the winners from their seats to the stage and from the stage to well, off the stage. On this I have two gripes, one, REALLY!? You want women giving directions? and two, IT'S A BIG FREAKING MICROPHONE! ON AN EMPTY STAGE! HOW FREAKING HARD CAN IT BE TO GET THERE ON YOUR OWN!? (that, by the way, was me yelling).

Pandering to Perverts will be relpaced today with "Question of the Day" however, in the future, Question of the Day" will replace Who I Like Today. If this seems confusing, it is, but really I needed to give some serious "props" to Jack Nicholson so:

Who I Like Today and I Don't Mean The Inventor of The Acceptance Speech
Jack Nicholson - The dude is like 80 and he's sitting in the front row at the Oscars next to, wait for it. . . Kiera Knightley. It's just, she's soooo hot.

The Reason is Because
"A decision that they probably rightly or wrongly made" - Butch Davis Former NFL and College head coach
The head coach is supposed to be the smart one right? Well at least now we know why the title head coach is now preceded by the word "former," on the bright side for Butch , at least he is guaranteed to be right.

Question of the Day
How do homeless people date? It's not like they can do dinner and a movie, unless, of course, there's a 7:00 showing of King Kong at the dumpster behind the Chinese restaurant. I know, King Kong is old, but hey, they're homeless. You know the expression beggars can't be choosers? This is the situation it was created for.