Top 10 Things That Should Be Things (continued)
6) The oxygen conservation initiative - The ecologically conscious among us propose that we stop cutting down the rainforests and burn fewer fossil fuels to preserve our atmosphere, I have a similar proposal, but one that requires much less sacrifice. Revoke the speaking privileges of idiots the world over. The sheer number of people who shouldn't ever be allowed to speak allowed would confound an MIT grad. The way I see it, if we eliminate speech from the realm of options for these sorry folk, oxygen will never be a concern again. Now go forth and buy SUV's
7) The 10 minutes isn't late rule – Really it's so close, lets just call it the "You mean its not 9 O'clock right NOW!?" rule.
8) The 3 second takeback - Here's a dramatic demonstration: "Can you please stop talking, I'm trying to watch TV" 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississi - whooooa, I'm sorry baby, you know I didn't mean that, come here, tell me all about your day. One caveat, you need to activate the takeback before the "I know you didn't just say that to me" face, becomes the "Someone is going to be sleeping on the couch/taking me shopping" face (in case you're wondering, it's all in the lip snarl).
9) Dibs - I understand dibs is an old concept and has been around for a while, but what I am proposing is that we extend it to EVEYTHING. Girls, jobs, cars, girls. A simple first to see, first to be served, framework. You see someone's girlfriend, she's yours, if he starts yelling, you simply say, dude, I called dibs, then just watch him walk away.
10) Elevator expulsion - People need to learn to wait in line. If you've been waiting for the elevtor patiently, and Sneaky McThere's-A-Line?, all of a sudden zips past you into the nearly full elevator as the doors part, then you need to be able to grab said person by the hair, point out the fact that there is a line and then throw him from the elevator. In a perfect world you'd be able to do this from a trapdoor inside a moving elevator, at say the 11th floor, but unfortunately my reign over the world has yet to be fully acknowledged.
Coming next time: Top 10 Things That Would Bother Me If I Were A Woman
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I don't like the dibs rule. You can't call dibs on something that somebody else already has. Basically it's first come, first served. If you call dibs on the last piece of cake, but don't get your greasy lips over there fast enough, I'm gonna eat it and there's nothing you can do about it. That's just how it works.
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