THE SECRET LIVES OF ORTHAPEDISTS

Before I begin I'd like to point out that there's a post directly below this one which most of you have not read, so you know, read it and defend me.

So I saw the doctor yesterday, and after he twisted my knee in various unnatural directions resulting in some rather unmanly screeching, he asked me if it hurt. This led me to two consclusions, one, doctors are sadists and two, my doctor doesn't think much of my masculinity. Thankfully though, instead of telling me that my knee was just sore, and that it will go away on it's own, so stop whining you huge girl, He told me that I have tendonitis (how cool?) and that it will go away on it's own so stop whining you huge girl. See it's that kind of bedside manner that can make all the difference in making a complete recovery. But I digress.
As I was sitting in the waiting room it occurred to me that there are an awful lot of idioms, aphorism and common sayings in our everyday use that are without question just flat out odd, and after come careful thought I decided to make a list of these and here is what I've come up with.

Top 10 English Idioms That Make No Sense

#10 - Can't have your cake and eat it too - Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be difficult to eat cake you didn't have? Unless of course you're crazy, but even then, I can't imagine it being very satisfying.

#9 - Don't look a gift horse in the mouth - I can't speak for you but I know that I always get insulted whenever I give people a horse for their birthday and then they go and look at its mouth. Makes me wish I'd gotten them a card instead.

#8 - Back to square one - So when your idea at work turns out to be complete and utter crap the result is that you get demoted to playing hopscotch? Hmm maybe that does make some sense.

#7 - Don't mean to toot my own horn - Was there alot of horn tooting going on at some point in history? Did people win an argument then whip out their horn and start tooting? And even if this was the case, does this mean tooting your own horn is bad, but it's ok to toot someone else's horn? because if so, that just seems rather unsanitary, what with the spit and all, people put their mouths on those things.

#6 - Keep your nose to the grindstone - Seriously has anyone even seen a grindstone in their entire life? and if you have, does it really seem like the place for soft cartilaginous facial tissue?

#5 - Til the cows come home - Yeah, I remember back in '88 when the FBI was just befuddled by the sudden spate of runaway cows, apparently they had an argument with their parents about dating particular bulls and they just took off. The FBI vowed it wouldn't stop searching till. . . that's right, the cows came home.

#4 - Straight from the horse's mouth - So now we measure the veracity of a statement by whether or not its source was equine in nature? Not to say it's a bad idea, but somehow I think we might be better off asking the psychic hotline. As a side note, what's up with our horsemouth fascination?

#3 - There's more than one way to skin a cat - You actually need me to point out that this is just odd? Honestly are there really people out there skinning cats? Is there a cat skin demand that I'm unaware of? And more to the point, is this demand so great that we've actually devised multiple methodologies for flaying the said felines?

#2 - The pot calling the kettle black - I'm sorry, is the pot saying that the kettle is obssessed with rims? Because that really don't seem like something a kettle should be criticized for, especially the rims thing, they're both made out chrome, it's a natural attraction.

#1 - The truth will set you free - Was this meant to be ironic? Or was it a subtle form of misdirection propogated by women to ruin the lives of men? Any man who has ever dated any girl can tell you that the only things the truth will set you up for are: nagging, shopping and dumping (oh I get it, set you free, you women are cruel).