Mar 24, 2008

ALL I CARE ABOUT IS... ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR HAIRCUT?

THE TOP FIVE THINGS THAT BOTHER ME TODAY:

#1 - People who think I’m dumb – JP Morgan has today announced that it will raise its offer for Bear Stearns from $2 per share to $10 per share. For all you liberal arts majors out there, they’ve quintupled their offer. This leads us to ask, why? Need to ask why? But didn’t JP Morgan give a reason for upping its offer by 500%? Yes, yes they did, and here it is: “we want to pacify angry Bear shareholders.”

Really? That’s the best they could come up with? In essence, they’re asking you to believe that they’re willing to quintuple their offer, not because they think that Bear Stearns is a steal even at five times the price, not because the government has essentially indemnified you against any loss by guaranteeing $30 BILLION in losses, but because they want to appease people who are angry? Who believes this crap?

They upped the offer not because angry people would reject the offer and further weaken the economy, but because they’re greedy vultures who, after thinking they’d safely snuck away with a well preserved carcass found themselves under the glaring spotlight of other vultures, vultures who asked; why didn’t the government ask me if I’d pay more to buy BS? Vultures who said; hell, the building alone is worth over a billion dollars and really, how much can they be on the hook for over and above $30 billion in guarantees? (I grant you that the whole ‘vulture’ analogy fell apart rather quickly, unless of course vultures have an organized system of government with a central bank and spotlights, but I feel like the comparison remains apt.)

#2 – People who discuss their aberrant lifestyles on the bus – Things I don’t want to hear a man talking about at 8am: 1) The various threesomes in which you have engaged 2) The moral hazards of dating two sisters and why you should be excused for their violations (morals and sisters) 3) Interest rates on 15 year T-bills in relation to junk bonds. That last one was unrelated but you know, it’s still annoying.

#3 – Time – I can’t decide if I want it to go by faster or slower. It’s really making me sound like a hypocrite. Though maybe we could have some sort of relativity machine that makes time feel slower on weekends, but faster on weekdays, but not on legal holidays, or sick days or vacation, or at night when I get home from work. OK I think I may need some more time with this.

#4 – Internet sites that hide customer service numbers – Who on God’s green Earth decided that a FAQ list could take the place of a customer service number? You know what question I asked frequently? Where’s the damn number! Didn’t see that on their precious little list. Now I know even if I get to customer service I’ll get screwed worse than those two sisters, but dude, come on, at least pretend like you care that I’m unsatisfied. Throw me a bone!

#5 – Reporters and their dumb questions Part II – There was a shooting outside some sports bar in the Bronx last night so of course the local news sent a reporter up there to interview people who live in the area. This particular reporter had exactly one interview make the cut. Her interviewee, a man who lives in the neighborhood, did not witness the shooting, and knew nothing about the bar, or the people involved. In fact, his knowledge, he said, was limited to the fact that there was a shooting. So what insightful question did our intrepid reporter ask this man with no useful information? Wait for it...

“Does this incident make you feel less safe living here?”

Bam! There it is. The only redeeming feature was the man’s response,

“Well, someone got shot, that doesn’t make me feel more safe.”

Mar 19, 2008

MOMMY, WOW! I'M A BIG KID NOW!

Hello all,

Before we begin today I just want to ask if any of you caught The Daily Show last night, if so, you'd have heard John Stewart deliver a joke that pretty much copied my 'Oh, he only made those racist threatening remarks because black people are angry, THAT'S a relief' joke. Now I'm not trying to say I have a copyright on the joke, though if any of you out there know anything about copyright infringement, call me, but I thought you'd appreciate knowing that, as a devoted reader of the best blog on the interweb highway, you're always ahead of the current events/comedy curve. Go on, give yourself a pat on the back.

Today's Thoughts:

This Bear Stearns news is becoming fishier and fishier. In case you aren’t aware the trouble started last week when rumors started circulating that BS had a liquidity issue. (Now, while I admit I may not grasp the full depth of the crisis posed by a lack of liquidity, I do understand that when people come asking for money you owe them, you can’t pay them back in office space.) BS responded by saying, no no, we don’t have a liquidity issue, we’re the Evian of investment banking, the Perrier of sub-prime mortgages, the Poland Spring of cash on hand (This may not be the central cause, but as an incidental point, it’s probably not the best idea to invoke Poland, the polish or anything that brings to mind a Polak joke, when defending your business acumen, it could lead to well, more jokes, e.g., how does a Polak solve a liquidity crisis? By selling his stock for a 93% discount!).
Anyway, it would seem people believed these rumors, not the Chairman of BS (though really when evaluating the trustworthiness of a statement, I feel like the guy called the Chairman of BS is at a severe disadvantage.), and in response called in their debts. Accordingly, a liquidity crisis, whether real or imagined before, became, unquestionably, real. What interests me, however (and if it interests me you can be sure you’ll see it on the Daily Show), is that the SEC is now investigating the source of those rumors; attempting to discover if they may have been perpetuated and perpetrated on the market by people who had shorted BS’s stock. In other words, if people made crap up so they’d win their bet about BS going down. This, apparently, is illegal.
More to the point though, I mean rumors are rumors, and people will always wonder if they’re true and maybe speculate on their own (unless they’re about Tom Cruise being a nutbag Scientologist who brainwashed his wife and thinks Earth was spawn by alien’s, in which case they ARE true and doubting them makes you kind of a ‘tard), but what we’re talking about here are rumors, possibly unsubstantiated ones destroying an entire investment bank. BS stock wasn’t sold by uninitiated tourists from Omaha who flinch at the sight of a working car, it was dumped by professionals, people at the top of their field, if they were hookers, Elliot Spitzer wouldn’t be able to afford them. Yet, these supposed masters of their domain, these MBA waving, hair gel smearing, gym at lunch going, fat bonus taking, cowards, wet themselves at the thought of a BS liquidity crisis, like a thirsty octogenarian with bladder control issues. These are the people in charge of our economy, the people’s who’s confidence and fears decide whether we will have to continue pretending the Canadian dollar is worth less than our own or whether we can go back to using them as kindling and toilet paper (surprisingly soft, though not very absorbent) Does this not concern anyone else?

Mar 18, 2008

THE AUDACITY OF RACISM

Just a few quick thoughts today:
- Barrack Obama is torn. He likes his pastor, he feel connected to him after being a member of his church for 20 odd years, but at the same time, it seems the guy is a flaming racist. This wouldn't be a particulary big problem if oh I don't know, say it were 50 years ago and Obama and his pastor were both white, but we have cell phones internet and youtube and so it's a very very big problem. Obama's response, people say dumb things when they're angry, and black people are angry. Black people are angry; I'm sure that will calm the fears of all white people the world over.
- I was going to write today about NY's new governor - a blind man - admitting to having affairs with multiple women several years ago. One doesn't generally admit to these things in advance, but my guess is that, seeing the climate, he decided admitting to having sex with people to whom he wasn't married wouldn't be nearly as bad now, as it would be once the sins of 'Elliot I'll pay more if you don't Spitzer' faded from the collective consciousness. I was going to ask how a man who couldn't even appreciate the concept of identical twins, could desire the company of so many different women and for that matter how he could get away with it. These may well be valid questions, but they've lost my interest. No, the question that does come to mind, the question that seems inevitable is, if the public wants an elected official who won't make dumb decisions for sex, why hasn't it elected more eunuchs and women? Oh that's right, Hillary Clinton.
- Bear Stearns was bought up by Morgan Stanley for $215 million, and the government promised to cover $30 billion in losses should it be necessary. According to my admittedly weak math skills they just got a $30,000 million loan for $215 million or a loan of over $150 for every dollar spent. I can't imagine how we ever got into a mortgage crisis.

Mar 17, 2008

MY HANDS ARE A DEADLY WEAPON

I’m annoyed. That’s right friends, get your ticker tape, contact the balloon people close down the canyon of heroes, I’m annoyed and I’m back with a fresh installment of:

The Top Five Things That Bother Me Today

#5 – Odds – As some of you may know poker is allegedly a game of odds; play when the odds are in your favor and you’ll win money, do otherwise, and you’ll be standing in line next to the employees of Bear Stearns. I played poker last night (for the last time). I played it well. I played the odds; I waited for the right moment to strike, and when the odds were overwhelmingly in my favor, strike I did. Now I say it is allegedly a game of odds because despite my caution, despite my self-control, despite my prayers for an ace not to show up on the river, here I sit with a decidedly lighter wallet. The thing is, no matter how I played the hand, no matter what I might have tried to do otherwise, I was always going to lose. It was ordained, predestined, fated if you will. I don’t know what lesson you’d glean from such a defeat, but I can tell you what I’ve learned; ODDS ARE DUMB! From now on when I play poker (did I say I was never playing again?) I’m going to appeal to a force more powerful than simple odds, an authority more consistent than statistics. So, if anyone knows a good shaman or witch doctor, send them my way, I have a game Saturday night.

#4 – The Media – In case you hadn’t heard twenty story crane collapsed over the weekend, destroying a townhouse and sending rubble and debris out across Second Avenue in New York. Understandably streets were closed, cars were rerouted and traffic has built. Now all of this is newsworthy information, all of this is information a reporter should convey to the public. What pisses me off is when that reporter then takes a camera man into the street to interview the people in said cars, stuck in said traffic. I sat there watching cars around the man being interviewed drive by, slowly, but still, moving. Meanwhile this yutz sat in his car, immobile, answering questions as insightful as, ‘how do you feel about the traffic?’ how does he feel about the traffic!? Are you freaking serious!? Forget the fact that between the yutz the cameraman and the reporter they’re actually making traffic worse, this reporter wants to know if sitting in traffic on your way to work at 8:00 in the morning is pleasant!

So to recap: The reporter reporting on how bad the traffic is is actually making more traffic, while he asks someone stuck in said traffic, if traffic is bad. My head hurts.

#3 – Power Hungry Secretaries - Now don’t get me wrong, generally speaking, I love secretaries. Well, I love the idea of secretaries. Yes, that’s exactly what I mean. Don’t look at me like that, you know you’d do it too if you could. Anyway, before I get too far afield, what I’m talking about are not the secretaries of Congressional fantasies, but the battle axes generally found in doctors offices, standing between you and your physician like that big fiery red demon thing with the whip in the first Lord of the Rings movie. You know the type, they’re arrogant, mad with power and use expressions like, “I’m sorry, but that’s office policy.” I don’t know what it is about having the power to make appointments that makes these bottom rung wretches think they deserve to control their little universe, but someone needs to clarify the chain of command. An appointment book isn’t a weapon, but my fist is, and the next time one of them pulls this crap again, I’ll demonstrate the difference.

#2 – Non-Legal holidays – How is today a holiday? I’m at work, I’m not leaving early, and a fat woman wearing about a gallon of $4 perfume sat on my left thigh on the bus this morning. So while I’m sure St. Patrick did something to someone that makes people wistful, I’d appreciate it if we didn’t call it a holiday. It’s a tease.

#1 – Morons - I wish I could make this a narrower category, but when I’m assigned extra work because the office manager doesn’t think I’m busy because my desk is so clean. I find myself at a loss for words less broad than moron. I mean I can think of plenty of adjectives to put BEFORE moron, but still, moron is the word that comes to mind. Imagine, someone thinking that I have all this free time. Preposterous!

Mar 13, 2008

...BUT I'M A F%CKING STEAMROLLER

Well, I don’t know what happened between yesterday and today, but I’m no longer at all interested in writing about Elliot Spitzer. I watched some of the monologues and I have to say, I was not impressed. It’s sort of like being Governor, at first it seems like fun, then after a year you realize everyone hates you, you haven’t gotten anything accomplished and you can’t even use your millions to have sex with prostitutes. That’s how I feel, I thought I’d been given this great material, this wonderful story that could carry me for days, and now, barely one news cycle into it, I’m bored beyond words, and slightly disappointed at what gets three diamonds these days (if I were Mitsubishi I’d be insulted). Nevertheless, the story is at the center of the current events universe and there is no escaping it now. So for you’re sick and twisted pleasure, here’s today’s top ten

ELLIOT SPITZER’S EXCUSES:

#10 – I’m sorry, is that frowned upon?

#9 – I have three young daughters, the economy is in the toilet and the job market is drying up, I just wanted to see what hooking, as a ‘hofession’, offered my girls.

#8 – Is it too late to offer her an internship?

#7 – I want my wife to be President.

#6 – I’m rich! Biatch!

#5 – But I paid her in Canadian dollars! It’s not real money, it shouldn’t count!

#4 – Hey, come on, who HASN’T spent $80,000 on hookers? Am I right? Guys? Guys? Really? No one? Have you SEEN your wives?

#3 – The sex was free, the money was just so she’d stop calling herself an aspiring singer. I mean if I have to hear about her American Idol audition one more time...

#2 – Would you believe me if I told you I’m a eunuch?

#1 – Did I mention I’m rich?

Mar 12, 2008

BUT MY DAD SAID I WAS GOING TO BE PRESIDENT!

I'm torn. On the one hand, I find myself rather pleased with the changes I've made to the blog. I feel refreshed, invigorated. I feel like that guy in the Irish Spring commercial. On the other, Eliott Spitzer, Governor of NY, just resigned because he got caught paying protitutes for sex. So, here I am, with a great column and another twenty-four hours till Current Events Day, and, as anyone who's ever watched 24 can tell you, a day can last an eternity. SO you know what? Screw it! Today and tomorrow will be devoted to what I'm sure will soon be known as (due to rampant unoriginality) HOOKERGATE.

So I know you've all read about this by now so let me just highlight my favorite aspects of the scandal:

- He didnt use an alias to reserve a room for his hooker, he used the name of one of his closest friends and biggest campaign contributer. Now THAT'S gratitude.

- He scheduled for the night before Valentine's Day. Apparently he feels men should get more than a 'thank you, hun' and a hug for four grand.

- He got caught because of suspicious banking activity. If you have a family fortune closing in on a billion dollars - that's one thousand million for those of you who have trouble comprehending just how much money that is - how do you not have a safe somewhere in your house with a million dollars in what I like to call, 'discretionary funds'? It's not using a credit card to pay for a protitute, though according to the NY Post they do accept Visa and Mastercard (Note to advertising agencies, I have a GREAT idea for a 'priceless' commercial, call me.), but I expected more from an ivy leaguer.

Anyway all of this is prelude to my forthcoming unauthorized biography of Mr. Spitzer. The current title in contention are:

#3 - Ho Money, Ho Problems

#2 - He Ain't Nothin But A Horndog

#1 - Elliot 'I'll Pay Extra If You Don't' Spitzer

More titles to come as I think them up.

Mar 11, 2008

EXCHANGE RATES

Sorry about skipping Monday's 'Top Five Things That Bother Me' but, given recent events, I couldn’t quite work up the necessary agitation to whine about minor inconveniences peeves. I know, I’m as surprised by this as you are, but I can’t control the muse, only direct it. That being said let me share with you a story that defines America like no other.

So I went to Starbucks yesterday. No, that isn’t the end of the story, though I suppose that would do a pretty good job of defining America all on its own. There’s more, however. So I’m in Starbucks, and while I’m waiting for them to make me my Grande caramel apple spice (that’s a medium cup of warm apple juice, in English) I picked up a CD they had on sale, let me rephrase, a CD they had, FOR sale, nothing in Starbucks is ever actually, ON sale. Anyway, it was a Buddy Holly collection (because Starbucks is oh, so cool and retro), a rather good one at that, even if it was lacking Brown-Eyed Girl. The thing was, when I flipped the CD over to look at the price (because when you’re in Starbucks spending $3.50 for cup of apple juice, buying CD’s doesn’t seem all that dumb anymore), it still listed the price in Canada and the U.S. Now, I don’t know how familiar all of you are with international currency, but I think it’s safe to assume you’re all aware of the fact that earlier this year the Canadian dollar actually edged ahead of the greenback in terms of buying power. It’s a day that will live in infamy for me, a day when I could no longer make jokes about Canadian quarters (they should be called eighths), a day on which I could no longer point to the loon and the toon as having more comedic value (looney toons) that monetary. In short, it was sort of like finding out that a 1984 Luis Sojo error card is worth more than a 1923 Babe Ruth rookie card. It just doesn’t make sense, no matter how true it may be.

Anyway, the point of the story is, when I looked at the price on the back and saw the Canadian price, it was a full TWO DOLLARS MORE. That’s right people. Here in the United Sates of Hell Yeah America, we don’t care about exchange rates. We don’t give a damn about relative value or, you know, accuracy. In my United States, Canada’s money is worth less and regardless of the economic climate, the apparent recession, rising inflation and whatever other so called ‘negative economic indicators’ may point to the dollar’s weakness, it always will be.

So come on down Canadian tourists. Bring your loons and toons, your French accents and your God save the Queens you European wannabes. Just remember, here, in the United States of Hell Yeah America, we’ll always be better than you.

Just for fun I’ve decided to append a hypothetical conversation between a Canadian Tourist and an American store owner.

Canadian Tourist: Hi I’d like to buy this.
American Store Owner: That will be five dollars
CT: Here you go sir
ASO: What the f#ck is this piece of sh$t crap?
CT: Pardon me?
ASO: You heard me motherf#cker what kinda crap are you trying to pull?
CT: What? But it’s Canadian money, it’s a $10 bill!
ASO: Candian huh?
CT: Yes, that’s right
ASO: OK, well that’ll be ten dollars then.
CT: What? You said it was five?
ASO: It’s five dollars for REAL money, for this Canadian sh&t it’s ten
CT: But... our dollars worth more?
ASO: What the f@ck did you just say?
CT: ...Our... our dollar’s worth more?
ASO: Say that again! Go ahead, say it! I’m beggin’ ya, PLEASE, say it, just say it once more so I can beat the snot outta your pansy @ss. You hockey loving, anti-American, commie bastard. SAY IT!
CT: So... ten dollars?
ASO: F@ckin’ right!

America... Hell Yeah!

Mar 6, 2008

ROLE PLAYING

CURRENT EVENTS DAY:

An unknown subject bombs an army recruiting center in Times Square. As the bomb went off at 3 a.m., no one was injured and only windows were broken. Seeing how we don’t know who perpetrated this act I will write a commentary for each possible group responsible.

Muslim Terrorists:

Look, I’m not a racist (well...). I’m sure there are smart people in the Middle East (aside from the Jews). I’m just saying, those training camps have a lot more work to do. I mean I’ve seen them on the monkey bars, they’re quite good on the monkey bars; though to be honest, I saw this six year old in the park over the weekend and he was totally dominating the monkey bars and I don’t think he had any terrorist training at all, so you know, I don’t know how much of the credit for monkey bar excellence I can attribute to terrorist training camps. In my opinion if they want to retain any credibility at all they’re going to have to start teaching their charges (ha, charges, that’s funny, you know, cuz they explode) about time zones. You can’t send Abu to the U.S. and not tell him he needs to change the time on his watch, that’s a rookie mistake. Still I suppose you can’t blame it all on the instructors. If Abu shows up at 3am and sees the streets empty and deserted he should probably put it together himself, right? Although I like to imagine that the conversation in his head went something like this:

Where is everybody? American’s are so lazy, how did they become so rich? This is creepy; it’s like I Am Legend, or that scene in Vanilla Sky where Tom Cruise walks though an empty Times Square. Allah! That Tom Cruise is crazy, I mean really, I understand being devoted to your beliefs but there has to be a limit where your reason steps in and says; “Why am I laughing uncontrollably at my own jokes? This is not smart, you’re making a fool of yourself, stop acting crazy!” Anyway, where did I put that explosive belt?


American Militants:

Jim-Bob, are you listening? Turn down the radio, oh, wait, is that Billy Ray Cyrus? I love that song, yeah we can wait till the songs over. My achy breaky heart, hmm hmmm hmmm. You know, I don’t know why he didn’t have more hits. What? Oh yeah, right so here, take this bomb and go blow up that gyro stand in Times Square. Gyro, it’s like shwarma, I dunno they put turkey on a spit put some lamb fat on top and just slice the meat off when it gets good and brown. Yeah, it is delicious. I know, I told you we’ll go for breakfast right after. Sure, sure we can get shwarma too. No we can’t get it before you blow it up! That towel head told me I had to wait in line behind some brownie. He has to pay. Cuz the turban looks like a towel, that’s why. Ok we’re almost there you ready to rock? No! Don’t light it yet! Crap! Get rid of it! Get rid of it! I don’t care where, throw it somewhere! Oops. Well, I guess we can get that gyro now.


Anti-War Protesters:

People from the army are evil. I love soy products.

Mar 4, 2008

ESQUIRE MAN OF THE YEAR

Morning all, yesterday was rather hectic and to be honest, I'm not sure I had many thoughts other than, well, F$ck! And, yesterday being a free form, channeling my thoughts day, it didn't quite seem post worthy. Today, however, well, as I start writing this it's still yesterday, but I'm home and wearing sheepskin slippers so all my troubles have melted away in shearling. Speaking of which, it would Mr. Obama could use some sheepskin himself.

Today:

I had some more rambling above, but I had my first real court hearing today and figured that was more important than telling you about my theories on why someone might be inclined to put their foot up a sheep's butt (It's cuz they make good slippers). Anyway, more about me. It was my first actual hearing, the odds were long and stacked against us, but as I say after every time I foolishly call an all-in with nothing but an open-ended straight draw, "I liked my chances."

The judge wore black and expression to match. Opposing counsel was well prepared and sitting (this played to his advantage because I'm reasonably certain when he puts on a floppy ski hat he is frequently confused with gnomes, elves and other stumpy people of dwarf stock). The case wasweak and failure was a foregone conclusion. Yet, there I was, undaunted, a lone (except for co-counsel) buttress for my clients hopes, a rock of consistancy and higher reasoning upon which her future stood. Questions were asked and answered, testimony was given and taken, yawns were stifled and hidden (it got boring at times, also I missed my midafternoon nap). And in the end, victory was ours!

Sure some might point to the fact that my co-counsel asked all but 3 of the questions, sure some might point to the fact that she did the opening and closing statement, some might even point to my - not quite to scale - doodle of a battleship as a sign that I played a less than central role in the outcome. Well, that'd be very mean of you. I mean really it'd just be rude!

Mar 3, 2008

I'D LIKE THE PIE, PLEASE

It's Monday and that means I'm grumpy, so here, for your displeasure:

Top Five Things That Bother Me Today:

#5 - Inaccurate menus - I consider a menu to be a form of contract. A guaranteed offer to me, the consumer, that anything on this list that I may want, will be provided to me forthwith. Accordingly, when I hear, "I'm sorry, we're out of that." I find myself hungry for resititution (and apple mango pie). Imagine what would happen if we let other businesses get away with this kind of false advertising. Men walking into brothels would find the healthy, voluptuous blonde they ordered was, in point of fact, a well-fed, STD ridden, black woman. After visiting said brothel you'd go to your doctor for a shot of broad spectrum anti-biotics and he'd offer you a flu shot instead. You'd go to the drug store to buy gauze for the oozing postule that has formed in your groinal region and be offered new underwear instead. I don't mean to judge, but I don't think fresh undies solves the problem.

#4 - People who keep saying, "Can you hear me?" - No! No, they can't hear you, you know why? Because your phone has no service! You know what the sign of them being able to hear you would be? If they answered you! They remind me of those people who used to use string and 2 cups to converse, only in this case their string isn't attached to anything else. You're dumb! Can you hear that?

#3 - Air Fresheners - Ever been in a taxi? Yea, nuff said.

#2 - Gn vs. Kn - OK, I get the whole silent letter thing but can we please just pick a silent consonant to put in front of the letter 'N' and stick with it? Just for a little while? On the one hand; Gnome, Gnat, Gnarled. On the other Knee, Knife, Knock. Is 'N' like a letter placement organization? Feeling underutilized? Feeling like you're too low in the QWERTY universe? Well then, come on down to words that begin with the letter 'N' we'll make room for you. If I see 'Zneel' any time soon I'm launcing an investigation.

#1 - Being put on hold - Ooooh! I really don't like it. What I like even less is that fake voice telling me my call is important. Thank you, I feel so reassured knowing that you're as confident as I am that my beef's legitimate. But the truth is, they don't think that, in fact, if it was honest, that voice would say, "Customer service costs alot so instead of connecting you to an actual person immediately, we're going to keep you on hold for 5 minutes and hope that you just get fed up, hang up and ultimately, give up on coplaining entirely." I am sad to say, I can't seem to find a strategy better than theirs, maybe I should send them an advertisement for that brothel.