Well folks it would seems the 'ripping me off' bandwagon is a-truckin'. As you can see at FireJoeMorgan.com, I am the seed from which other ideas sprout, only by seed I mean; I come up with original ideas, and by sprout I mean; they rip off my material. So today's honorary 'Thing That Bothers Me' is:
Plagarism
Here is my take on the use of 'gate' added onto every scandal from January 22, 2008
#5 - People who add '-gate' as a suffix any time there's a political scandal - I may only be 25 (Shut up! I feel 25. Except in the mornings, then I feel like 35 ,or after 10pm, or after a workout, or when I think about working out, OK so I'm 27, happy?), but I think I'm educated enough to know that Watergate was a pretty big deal for this country and for the newspaper/journalism business itself. That being said, don't you think it's time to let it go? Forget for a moment that it doesn't actually even make any sense ("Monica-gate?" "Hanging Chad-gate"), it's just so uninventive, it's like hiring girls in bikini's to sell cars. Wait, no, that's genius, never mind, bad example. It's like comparing every mean or authoritarian personality to Hitler, oh wait we do that too? I give up, go ahead and use it, in fact, you can call this, Blog-gate. Two g's.
and here is FireJoeMorgan.com ripping me off today
http://www.firejoemorgan.com/2008/02/lets-clog-those-bases-people.html
Once again, allow me to congratulate the New Jersey Somethings on their richly deserved victory yesterday. For the record, I am disappointed but not upset. When one's teams have been on a run like my teams have since '02, it's dumb to complain. And the Pats losing yesterday will ultimately be about maybe 20% more irritating then them winning, and thus forcing me to listen to people say that their season wasn't legitimate because of SpyGate.
(For the record, you can't just add "Gate" to something to indicate "scandal." The hotel, as we all know, was the Watergate. It wasn't like there was a like Nixonian/"Chinatown" water scandal, and someone said, "Hey -- 'gate' is the LME root for 'cover-up.' Let's call it Water-gate.")
I've highlighted the relevant parts in case you're lazy.
Today is also, for those who don't work near Broadway, the NY Giants championship parade and Super Tuesday or primary day (for those of you who don't think the notion of voting is worthy of an adjectice like 'super') in twenty-some odd states, which means paper shredders in NYC will be putting in overtime. Unlike yours truly who will try an avoid work entirely. (Note to my boss: I'm kidding?) I'm sure there's more I have to say about this, but at the moment it's kind of hard to think with the drum band outside my window. So I'll be brief.
I'm a Giants' (I'm having trouble placing that apostrophe ) fan, a big one, as evidenced by yesterday's post congratulating myself for such, but I have to say I don't quite understand parades. Attending a game I get, you're there, you're in the moment, you see whats happening and rise and fall with the players on the field. With parades 100,000 people line streets 50 -100 deep, unable to see who or what they're cheering and even if they could, much like a NASCAR race (also dumb) it's gone 10 minutes later. And they LOVE it. But all that aside what really confuses me is that at parades people will scream and yell and get excited to see things they wouldn't watch on TV if you paid them. Seriously, how many people watch marching bands during the year? How much would I have to pay you to sit through two hours of nothing but marching bands and people waving from cars? Wow! that much? Well, I think you're all a bunch of greedy jerks personally, but thank you for making my point.
I think it's fitting that the parade is the same day as NY's primary because I have to think that the same people who attend parades and cheer for the feather hat wearing, marching bands are the same people who attend those post primary speeches given by political candidates. I mean I can sorta get it if you're candidate won (YAY! the person with whom I share views about immigration reform and deficit spending, but differ on with regard to universal healthcare and bipartisan collaboration won 21 delegates and is now 1/265 of the way towards being my party's nominee for the election to be held six months from now, WOOOOO!), but dude how do the losers get that many people in a room cheering about coming in third? I think the issue is that we, as Americans are addicted to cheering. We will, if given the chance, cheer for the sun to rise in the morning, for lunch to come in the afternoon and streetlights to come on at night. We also, myself included, like adding the word 'suck' to the end of our chants. What I'm saying I guess is we're a simple minded people but gosh darn it, we have spunk.
Russia Sucks! Woooooo!
Tomorrow: Why people in bands wear hats with feathers on them.
Feb 5, 2008
Feb 4, 2008
PLEASE, NO MORE AUTOGRAPHS
I'd like to begin by taking a moment to congratulate myself on being a fan of the New York Giants. It was a long, hard season, but I fought my way through the adversity. I overcame half a season of football in standard definition, long commercial breaks and even remote control malfunctions that caused me to change the channel MANUALLY! I don't know how I did it, nor, to be honest did I think I could, but I did, and now the Giants are champions.
I will admit this victory did not come easy. Even during this very last game I had to overcome a sore throat, acid reflux and the cruel temptation of winning $200 should the Giants not score on their final possession. Yet, just as Abraham in his quest to follow God's command to sacrifice his son, I too triumphed over these tests of faith, will and determination. I sit before you (metaphorically speaking) fully and wholly satisfied by the result. I didn't do it for glory, for immortality or because my son was thirty six years old and still living at home. I didn't do it to for the money (though if there are those out there who feel compelled to compensate me for last night's performance, I will be accepting gratuities), or for the repeated shots of cheerleaders (though seriously, whoever invented cheerleaders, dude, I owe you one), to be honest I can't even tell you why I did it. All I know is this, I cannot be bothered by anything today.
Update: Things, apparently, still bother me.
Sadly, if entirely unsurprisingly, the news was not good throughout the world. In Israel today, a suicide bomber killed two people and injured eleven more. According to the NY Times there were two bombers, but, in a display that epitomizes how it is a billion Arabs have failed to destroy Israel, the second bomber was standing too close to the explosion and was injured. An alert Israeli police officer saw the injured murderer reaching for his bomb and in a display of quick thinking and skill that boggles my mind somehow managed to kill him before the menace could blow himself up. That's how I would put it at least. Officer Moor, however, is a much better writer than I and so I give you his own words.
“His hand was twitching. He raised it again. So I shot four bullets into his head and neutralized him.”
Isn't there just something savagely beautiful about the understatement?
In a less serious vein I am also bothered by Ryan Seacrest. How a man who uses more feminine products than a menstral call girl can be chosen to host the Super Bowl the SUPER BOWL; the most manly event in the universe after the World's Strongest Man Competition (I mean those guys hurl beer kegs 20 feet in the air and pull trucks with their earlobes, so really I don't think it'd be a good idea to tell them they're not manly), is beyond my comprehension. I mean that decison was so dumb I couldn't find any redeeming value it with an electron microscope attached to the Hubble telescope.
In fact, I kind of wish I could get he and Officer Moor in a room together. What? I'm just saying, accidents happen. Besides, what's a little neutralization between police officer and ubiquitious, unctuous, untalented talent show host? At the very least I hope this generation's Star Search host will be redcued to handing out those jumbo sized Pulisher's Clearinghouse checks for a living in the near future.
I will admit this victory did not come easy. Even during this very last game I had to overcome a sore throat, acid reflux and the cruel temptation of winning $200 should the Giants not score on their final possession. Yet, just as Abraham in his quest to follow God's command to sacrifice his son, I too triumphed over these tests of faith, will and determination. I sit before you (metaphorically speaking) fully and wholly satisfied by the result. I didn't do it for glory, for immortality or because my son was thirty six years old and still living at home. I didn't do it to for the money (though if there are those out there who feel compelled to compensate me for last night's performance, I will be accepting gratuities), or for the repeated shots of cheerleaders (though seriously, whoever invented cheerleaders, dude, I owe you one), to be honest I can't even tell you why I did it. All I know is this, I cannot be bothered by anything today.
Update: Things, apparently, still bother me.
Sadly, if entirely unsurprisingly, the news was not good throughout the world. In Israel today, a suicide bomber killed two people and injured eleven more. According to the NY Times there were two bombers, but, in a display that epitomizes how it is a billion Arabs have failed to destroy Israel, the second bomber was standing too close to the explosion and was injured. An alert Israeli police officer saw the injured murderer reaching for his bomb and in a display of quick thinking and skill that boggles my mind somehow managed to kill him before the menace could blow himself up. That's how I would put it at least. Officer Moor, however, is a much better writer than I and so I give you his own words.
“His hand was twitching. He raised it again. So I shot four bullets into his head and neutralized him.”
Isn't there just something savagely beautiful about the understatement?
In a less serious vein I am also bothered by Ryan Seacrest. How a man who uses more feminine products than a menstral call girl can be chosen to host the Super Bowl the SUPER BOWL; the most manly event in the universe after the World's Strongest Man Competition (I mean those guys hurl beer kegs 20 feet in the air and pull trucks with their earlobes, so really I don't think it'd be a good idea to tell them they're not manly), is beyond my comprehension. I mean that decison was so dumb I couldn't find any redeeming value it with an electron microscope attached to the Hubble telescope.
In fact, I kind of wish I could get he and Officer Moor in a room together. What? I'm just saying, accidents happen. Besides, what's a little neutralization between police officer and ubiquitious, unctuous, untalented talent show host? At the very least I hope this generation's Star Search host will be redcued to handing out those jumbo sized Pulisher's Clearinghouse checks for a living in the near future.
Feb 1, 2008
THE ANTI-WICKED WITCH
So I don't have much time today, but before I leave you for the weekend I wanted to talk about something that's perplexed me for a while. In case you are unaware, it is a rainy day here in New York, the only city that matters. With that rain, however, comes more than soggy shoes and clingy T-shirts, with it come the Umbrella people. Perhaps you are familiar with them? They appear out of the ether every time it rains, sprouted into existence by precipitation. You can identify them by the 300 umbrellas they have for sale beside them. How do they transport their umbrealls to our streets from the underworld in which they reside? What do these people do with them when its sunny? Do they have other jobs that don't involve others getting soaked? How do these parasites of human suffering survive when sky's are clear? How do they always know when it's going to rain? How can street merchants afford Doppler radar? These are all questions which i think need to be answered.
Any guesses?
Personally I think they're descendant's from Oz. The offspring of a long-forgotten race who, through self-preservation, genetic mutation and natural selection learned to thrive in wetness to protect themsleves from their natural enemy, the Wicked Witch of the West, she of melting in water. But it's just a theory.
Any guesses?
Personally I think they're descendant's from Oz. The offspring of a long-forgotten race who, through self-preservation, genetic mutation and natural selection learned to thrive in wetness to protect themsleves from their natural enemy, the Wicked Witch of the West, she of melting in water. But it's just a theory.
Jan 31, 2008
FAVA BEANS
I am not going to lie to you friends, I am not in a good mood. I had CLE's for 3 hours again last night (thankfully for the last time this year), and then had court this morning at 9am. More upsetting, however, were the results of the psychological profile that I took during last night's CLE's. I am not ashamed to say they were staggering, shocking, and utterly devastating. It would seem I, your trusted voice of compassion, your oracle of sympathy and sensitivity, the man who makes you all want to be better, kinder people, lack what are generally referred to as, "feelings." I know! I said the same thing. How could this be so? Is it possible the woman giving the class, a professional who by her own resume (handed out with the course packet) is an accomplished studio jeweler could be wrong? Nah!
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Stupid questions on a psychological profile - The following isn't an insightful question:
Which is truer of you:
a) I am bighearted
b) I am logical
Having this question repeated 26 times is even less insightful. I'm not a psychologist (though according to my score I may be psychopathic), but I'm reasonably certain a profile should consist of more than, circle "a" if youre sensitive. I have a friend who once tried to prove he was 6 feet tall by showing me his driver's license. When I asked him if he was measured before they put 'height:6' on his license, his response was; "No, they asked me how tall I was and I told them." That's pretty much the value of this test. It tells you what you think of yourself. If you're a pygmy with lifts and think you're six feet tall, that's what it will say. If you have a blog dedicated to highlighting the flaws, faults and failings of those who don't measure up, it will tell you you're an unfeeling, superior, narcissist. Hmm maybe these test ARE accurate.
#4 - People who think putting 'jewelry salesperson' on their career counselor resume is a good idea - I'm too tired to point out how dumb this is, you all see it right? I mean how would the conversation go, "Hi ,I'll be your career counselor I'm sorry to hear you got fired after being outed as a psychopath, but can I interest you in a broach?"
#3 - Dumb demonstrations - I know I'm harping on this CLE thing a bit, but hear me out. The first exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times. The second exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times with our off (in this case, my left) hand. Then, after we were done scrawling our names illegibly, she asked this deep and insightful question insightful question; "What did you learn?" You know what I learned? I learned I'm righthanded dumbo!
#2 - Forty year olds starting a new career - Sorry, I don't mean to discriminate (anyone believe that, no?) but you guys really need to get out of the way. For some reason the older someone is the more they feel the need to contribute at lectures. They raise their hands, bob their heads and laugh at unfunny jokes. If I had to narrow it down (I actually don't have to guess at all, I don't have an editor or anything, I'm just going to anyway), I'd say the cutoff is somewhere around the age where you find yourself lecturing store clerks about proper service. So pretty much anyone who's ever used the expressions, "when I was your age if I did that..." or "In my day we took care of the customer" should just accept their fate.
#1 - Returning stuff - I'm not what you'd call a shopper, but if there is a single process more convoluted and uneccessarily painful than returning something to a store, I'd like you to call Tourqemada, I think he's in the market for some new ideas.
The following is a dramatization (I feel like I'm in an E! True Hollywood Story) of my experience with returning a wallet.
"Hi I'd like to return this."
"Do you have a receipt?"
"Yes."
"Ok well just go to sub-basement three, open the dungeon doors and follow the screaming."
So I go to sub-basement three and the line is something like sixteen people long. Inevitably, half of these people lack receipts, another two or three of these people aren't actually returning items and keep repeating when they get to the front of the line, "but can't you just ring me up here, I've been on line forever." (These by the way are the same people who can't tell the difference between the ticket buying line and the ticket holding line at the movies). Finally I get to the front and the woman asks me,
"Would you like a credit or a refund?"
"Refund, please"
"I'm sorry we only refund purchases within 30 days of the purchase." (Oh yeah I also hate returning crap cuz it takes me forever to get around to).
"Well then I don't really understand why you asked me which I'd like, that sort of implies the choice is mine. Why even ask me otherwise? Are you filling out some sort of survey as to whether people prefer store credits over money? Cuz if you are, I can save you some time."
"Do you still want to return the item sir?"
"Yes, I'd still like to return it. Can I get a store credit then?"
"One second sir, I have to find the postage stamp sized piece of paper we print store credits on. Here it is. Please remember not to lose this (holding up credit with a tweezer) because there will be no other record of this credit and if you do, wait where'd it go? (grabs magnifying glass) Oh! there it is, as I was saying if you lose it we will keep your money. Have a nice day!
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Stupid questions on a psychological profile - The following isn't an insightful question:
Which is truer of you:
a) I am bighearted
b) I am logical
Having this question repeated 26 times is even less insightful. I'm not a psychologist (though according to my score I may be psychopathic), but I'm reasonably certain a profile should consist of more than, circle "a" if youre sensitive. I have a friend who once tried to prove he was 6 feet tall by showing me his driver's license. When I asked him if he was measured before they put 'height:6' on his license, his response was; "No, they asked me how tall I was and I told them." That's pretty much the value of this test. It tells you what you think of yourself. If you're a pygmy with lifts and think you're six feet tall, that's what it will say. If you have a blog dedicated to highlighting the flaws, faults and failings of those who don't measure up, it will tell you you're an unfeeling, superior, narcissist. Hmm maybe these test ARE accurate.
#4 - People who think putting 'jewelry salesperson' on their career counselor resume is a good idea - I'm too tired to point out how dumb this is, you all see it right? I mean how would the conversation go, "Hi ,I'll be your career counselor I'm sorry to hear you got fired after being outed as a psychopath, but can I interest you in a broach?"
#3 - Dumb demonstrations - I know I'm harping on this CLE thing a bit, but hear me out. The first exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times. The second exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times with our off (in this case, my left) hand. Then, after we were done scrawling our names illegibly, she asked this deep and insightful question insightful question; "What did you learn?" You know what I learned? I learned I'm righthanded dumbo!
#2 - Forty year olds starting a new career - Sorry, I don't mean to discriminate (anyone believe that, no?) but you guys really need to get out of the way. For some reason the older someone is the more they feel the need to contribute at lectures. They raise their hands, bob their heads and laugh at unfunny jokes. If I had to narrow it down (I actually don't have to guess at all, I don't have an editor or anything, I'm just going to anyway), I'd say the cutoff is somewhere around the age where you find yourself lecturing store clerks about proper service. So pretty much anyone who's ever used the expressions, "when I was your age if I did that..." or "In my day we took care of the customer" should just accept their fate.
#1 - Returning stuff - I'm not what you'd call a shopper, but if there is a single process more convoluted and uneccessarily painful than returning something to a store, I'd like you to call Tourqemada, I think he's in the market for some new ideas.
The following is a dramatization (I feel like I'm in an E! True Hollywood Story) of my experience with returning a wallet.
"Hi I'd like to return this."
"Do you have a receipt?"
"Yes."
"Ok well just go to sub-basement three, open the dungeon doors and follow the screaming."
So I go to sub-basement three and the line is something like sixteen people long. Inevitably, half of these people lack receipts, another two or three of these people aren't actually returning items and keep repeating when they get to the front of the line, "but can't you just ring me up here, I've been on line forever." (These by the way are the same people who can't tell the difference between the ticket buying line and the ticket holding line at the movies). Finally I get to the front and the woman asks me,
"Would you like a credit or a refund?"
"Refund, please"
"I'm sorry we only refund purchases within 30 days of the purchase." (Oh yeah I also hate returning crap cuz it takes me forever to get around to).
"Well then I don't really understand why you asked me which I'd like, that sort of implies the choice is mine. Why even ask me otherwise? Are you filling out some sort of survey as to whether people prefer store credits over money? Cuz if you are, I can save you some time."
"Do you still want to return the item sir?"
"Yes, I'd still like to return it. Can I get a store credit then?"
"One second sir, I have to find the postage stamp sized piece of paper we print store credits on. Here it is. Please remember not to lose this (holding up credit with a tweezer) because there will be no other record of this credit and if you do, wait where'd it go? (grabs magnifying glass) Oh! there it is, as I was saying if you lose it we will keep your money. Have a nice day!
Jan 29, 2008
THE HIERARCHY OF FRUIT
I write this from the heavenly comfort of my cotton pajamas, nestled deep under the covers of my pillow top bed. I say this because when you read this tomorrow (what you would call 'today'), you will be hard at work, wearing freshly starched and pressed clothes, the chill of the morning air still lingering in your body, your mind still fresh with the memories of sleep and the thought of me being all snuggled up and comfy in bed will make you sad. In a related news bulletin, I am also quite mean.
I really hope someone enjoyed that as much as I do.
Anyway I've been thinking about it and it seems like there aren't enough people in the world who aren't brain addled. I say this because every so often after reading an article (news, sports, television, movies, yeah that's pretty much all I read about) online, I'll click on the little comments link and I am astounded at the idiocy being spouted. There seems to be no interest in grammar, spelling or syntax and even less interest in a comprehensible point. It's enough to lead one to wonder if only idiots use the Internet. Then again, perhaps you don't quite understand what I'm talking about, seeing as you, my readers, are apparently unaware of the comments link and the ability to post fawning and flattering remarks about an author, of a piece, such as, shall we say, this one.
I now return to the third installment of the recurring series:
Aphorisms that don't make any sense
- When in Rome - Continuing on America's fascination with all things Roman (see Rome wasn't built in a day) we apparently ascribe bowing to convention to being somehow Romanic. Why the Romans? Good question , it's actually based on first century joke, stop me if you've heard it before. An Acadian a Phoenician and a Sumerian walk into this place called Rome Bar and Grill (Applebees was full). The bartender asks them what they'll have to drink and the Phoenician replies with whatever the word in Phoenician is for beer (it's a dead language people, how much research do you think I'm doing for this joke?) and the bartender not recognizing the word gives him some cheap slop, the same holds true for the Acadian. Finally it's the Sumerian's turn he looks around at the assembled mass of people in Rome Bar and Grill all drinking cold frothy beer and says I'll have what they're having and thus was born the expression, when in Rome. Wow, I made you read a lot for a crappy punchline. Don't worry it gets better.
- I'm feeling blue - How many people have a favorite color? Good, now how many of you answered blue? See? Blue is a very popular color, people like it, it makes them happy. Who chooses a favorite color that depresses them? Even goths who wear black, wear black because it makes them happy, just don't tell them that, you'll unhinge their whole view of reality. And don't tell me it's because of the blues, the same question would still apply. My theory is someone was about to say I'm feeling black, got to 'I'm feeling bl--' looked around at the racially diverse crowd an just changed it to blue to save his cracker butt.
- Apple of my eye - I'm not even going to discuss anatomy right now because I've already done way too much research on Phoenicians and Sumerians to go back to Wikipedia again (I don't know if you noticed this but I totally just winged it on the Acadians), but I'm reasonable certain there is no part of the eye that resembles a fruit, other than perhaps a grape. So why apple? In the hierarchy of fruit I've gotta think apple is low down on the list way down near peasant or serf at best a knight, while mangoes, papayas, peaches, plums and nectarines are the Lords, Earls, Dukes, Barons and Counts of the fruit family. In fact as it stands the expression actually seems derogatory, 'you're the at best sixth most desirable fruit of my eye. From now on the proper way to say it, assuming you want to pay a compliment will be; 'You are the mango of my eye.' See, I told you it would get better.
- Cute as a button - Things that are cuter than buttons: Puppies, bunnies, the chubby girl from Little Miss Sunshine, penguins, my niece and nephew, that new Kia commercial where everyone forgets which side of the car their gas tank is on and, in my less than humble opinion, snaps. Yes that's right I find snaps cuter than buttons! Why should my personal aesthetics be subsumed to those of an aphorism? I also think toggles are cuter than buttons so by my count even when you narrow the focus to things that fasten clothes, buttons still come in third. Buttons are the apples of the clothes fastening world.
- The whole shebang - Much like our earlier discussion of The whole nine yards, this expression fails to make sense without any adjectives as to percentages. Seriously, what the hell is a shebang? It sorta sounds like a really crappy Ricky Martin song, but I don't think we can blame him for anything other than, frosted tips, Enrique Iglesias and people who say 'I'm just livin' La vida Loca.' I think the true measure of a word is, if you take it out of the context in which it's used, does it still make sense? In this case, if you said yeah I went to the store but I could only get three-fifths of a shebang, people would look at you funny. Shebang, not a word.
I really hope someone enjoyed that as much as I do.
Anyway I've been thinking about it and it seems like there aren't enough people in the world who aren't brain addled. I say this because every so often after reading an article (news, sports, television, movies, yeah that's pretty much all I read about) online, I'll click on the little comments link and I am astounded at the idiocy being spouted. There seems to be no interest in grammar, spelling or syntax and even less interest in a comprehensible point. It's enough to lead one to wonder if only idiots use the Internet. Then again, perhaps you don't quite understand what I'm talking about, seeing as you, my readers, are apparently unaware of the comments link and the ability to post fawning and flattering remarks about an author, of a piece, such as, shall we say, this one.
I now return to the third installment of the recurring series:
Aphorisms that don't make any sense
- When in Rome - Continuing on America's fascination with all things Roman (see Rome wasn't built in a day) we apparently ascribe bowing to convention to being somehow Romanic. Why the Romans? Good question , it's actually based on first century joke, stop me if you've heard it before. An Acadian a Phoenician and a Sumerian walk into this place called Rome Bar and Grill (Applebees was full). The bartender asks them what they'll have to drink and the Phoenician replies with whatever the word in Phoenician is for beer (it's a dead language people, how much research do you think I'm doing for this joke?) and the bartender not recognizing the word gives him some cheap slop, the same holds true for the Acadian. Finally it's the Sumerian's turn he looks around at the assembled mass of people in Rome Bar and Grill all drinking cold frothy beer and says I'll have what they're having and thus was born the expression, when in Rome. Wow, I made you read a lot for a crappy punchline. Don't worry it gets better.
- I'm feeling blue - How many people have a favorite color? Good, now how many of you answered blue? See? Blue is a very popular color, people like it, it makes them happy. Who chooses a favorite color that depresses them? Even goths who wear black, wear black because it makes them happy, just don't tell them that, you'll unhinge their whole view of reality. And don't tell me it's because of the blues, the same question would still apply. My theory is someone was about to say I'm feeling black, got to 'I'm feeling bl--' looked around at the racially diverse crowd an just changed it to blue to save his cracker butt.
- Apple of my eye - I'm not even going to discuss anatomy right now because I've already done way too much research on Phoenicians and Sumerians to go back to Wikipedia again (I don't know if you noticed this but I totally just winged it on the Acadians), but I'm reasonable certain there is no part of the eye that resembles a fruit, other than perhaps a grape. So why apple? In the hierarchy of fruit I've gotta think apple is low down on the list way down near peasant or serf at best a knight, while mangoes, papayas, peaches, plums and nectarines are the Lords, Earls, Dukes, Barons and Counts of the fruit family. In fact as it stands the expression actually seems derogatory, 'you're the at best sixth most desirable fruit of my eye. From now on the proper way to say it, assuming you want to pay a compliment will be; 'You are the mango of my eye.' See, I told you it would get better.
- Cute as a button - Things that are cuter than buttons: Puppies, bunnies, the chubby girl from Little Miss Sunshine, penguins, my niece and nephew, that new Kia commercial where everyone forgets which side of the car their gas tank is on and, in my less than humble opinion, snaps. Yes that's right I find snaps cuter than buttons! Why should my personal aesthetics be subsumed to those of an aphorism? I also think toggles are cuter than buttons so by my count even when you narrow the focus to things that fasten clothes, buttons still come in third. Buttons are the apples of the clothes fastening world.
- The whole shebang - Much like our earlier discussion of The whole nine yards, this expression fails to make sense without any adjectives as to percentages. Seriously, what the hell is a shebang? It sorta sounds like a really crappy Ricky Martin song, but I don't think we can blame him for anything other than, frosted tips, Enrique Iglesias and people who say 'I'm just livin' La vida Loca.' I think the true measure of a word is, if you take it out of the context in which it's used, does it still make sense? In this case, if you said yeah I went to the store but I could only get three-fifths of a shebang, people would look at you funny. Shebang, not a word.
Jan 28, 2008
CALLING OUT AROUND THE WORLD
Welcome back to the grind readers. I know some of you probably had to work Sunday, and I laugh at you heartily. Then again, I'm pretty sure your 401(k) just gave mine an inferiority complex, so I think we're even.
I know some of you out there look at Monday as the ultimate annoyance, the eggshell in your omelette, the 'but' in a compliment, the tax in your income, but I assure you, after reading this, it will only be one of a plethora of ills you now find with the world. Think of it as me disemboweling you to make your finger stop hurting, only your finger will continue to hurt.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - People who point out my spelling mistakes - Contrary to what you all seem to think this is is not appreciated. If I make a spelling mistake it is different from when one of you do it; it is the offspring of accident not not the product of improficiency. In short, stop it, you big bully.
#4 - Exit 26 A-Q - Ever follow directions without having an exact mileage estimate and find yourself counting down the exits till your destination? Ever experience the relief of thinking you're only two exits away and then watch with horror as exit 26 became exit 26a, 26, b 26, c 26, d and the memory of your once incipient arrival lingered as nothing more than a synaptic taunt? No? Oh well, at least I used incipient in a sentence.
#3 - Quick Dry White Out - Liar! Deceiver! Dissembler! I shall make you pay for your eponymous deceit! How many tips of how many pens have been sacrificed in the well of your false name? How many ballpoints, rolling tip and fountains must pass from utility to uselessness before this scourge is removed from out midst? Quick drying white out, I'm calling you out!
Authors Note: In case that was a bit confusing, my white out takes forever to dry and keeps getting all over my pens.
#2 - Temperature v. Wind Chill Factor - Things I care less about than scientifically objective, purported temperature, relative to the subjective, wind chill included, actual temperature: Soccer, the doorman's answer to "what's up?", your blog, whether the Oscar's will have writers and my clients. I understand that a thermometer wont display wind chill, but you know what? I'm not a thermometer. When I check the weather I want to know how cold I will be, not how cold I would be if I were a thermometer. Al Roker, I'm calling you out.
#1 - Dumb people with superiority complexes - Some things are just too upsetting to joke about. How people who needed to have their tongue size checked just to assure employers that they weren't part of a mentally disabled placement program can have egos is beyond me. How those egos are as big as mine, makes think I need to reassess admitting I'm not humble.
Till tomorrow, GO GIANTS!
I know some of you out there look at Monday as the ultimate annoyance, the eggshell in your omelette, the 'but' in a compliment, the tax in your income, but I assure you, after reading this, it will only be one of a plethora of ills you now find with the world. Think of it as me disemboweling you to make your finger stop hurting, only your finger will continue to hurt.
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - People who point out my spelling mistakes - Contrary to what you all seem to think this is is not appreciated. If I make a spelling mistake it is different from when one of you do it; it is the offspring of accident not not the product of improficiency. In short, stop it, you big bully.
#4 - Exit 26 A-Q - Ever follow directions without having an exact mileage estimate and find yourself counting down the exits till your destination? Ever experience the relief of thinking you're only two exits away and then watch with horror as exit 26 became exit 26a, 26, b 26, c 26, d and the memory of your once incipient arrival lingered as nothing more than a synaptic taunt? No? Oh well, at least I used incipient in a sentence.
#3 - Quick Dry White Out - Liar! Deceiver! Dissembler! I shall make you pay for your eponymous deceit! How many tips of how many pens have been sacrificed in the well of your false name? How many ballpoints, rolling tip and fountains must pass from utility to uselessness before this scourge is removed from out midst? Quick drying white out, I'm calling you out!
Authors Note: In case that was a bit confusing, my white out takes forever to dry and keeps getting all over my pens.
#2 - Temperature v. Wind Chill Factor - Things I care less about than scientifically objective, purported temperature, relative to the subjective, wind chill included, actual temperature: Soccer, the doorman's answer to "what's up?", your blog, whether the Oscar's will have writers and my clients. I understand that a thermometer wont display wind chill, but you know what? I'm not a thermometer. When I check the weather I want to know how cold I will be, not how cold I would be if I were a thermometer. Al Roker, I'm calling you out.
#1 - Dumb people with superiority complexes - Some things are just too upsetting to joke about. How people who needed to have their tongue size checked just to assure employers that they weren't part of a mentally disabled placement program can have egos is beyond me. How those egos are as big as mine, makes think I need to reassess admitting I'm not humble.
Till tomorrow, GO GIANTS!
Jan 25, 2008
EXCUSES, EXCUSES
Sorry folks about missing yesterday guys, but there were mitigating circumstances, namely the hunger strike I was apparently put on by the restaurant I ordered lunch from. Anyway I'm going to be brief today so here's the update rundown
- CLE's - Things that put people to sleep and thus make poor topics for lectures - If I was compiling such a list I'd have to think Ethics and Grammar would be in the top 3. Thus you can imagine my interest in my three and a half hour CLE class on legal writing ("can anyone tell me what a split infinitive is") and Ethics ("what if you think you're client who's paying you millions of dollars is a mean person?") Sadly, I wasn't able to sleep. I did, however, manage to not listen to a single word after the introductions, which is you know, good news for me but doesn't exactly make for fascinating reading. Oh, and lawyers, still not an attractive bunch
- Serving Sizes - Bought a cookie today, it's about the size of a regular Pepperidge Farm cookie only it was $2.40 and when I flipped it over, I saw that my individually wrapped cookie, that was smaller than the palm of my hand, was actually, in some sick, deranged, nutritionist's mind, TWO servings! How many times will I have to say this before the makers of snacks cower at my feet? If it's individually wrapped non-resealable wrapped snack it's a SINGLE SERVING! I'm not going to eat half and keep the other half a cookie for tomorrow.
- I don't think that means what you think it does - Penultimate, does not mean super ultimate, it means second to last, or second to the ultimate. Also pluperfect doesn't mean super perfect, it is variation on the past perfect tense, as in "Had he known he was going to follow a grammar lecture he would have been more careful about using words he actually understood."
Till next week
- CLE's - Things that put people to sleep and thus make poor topics for lectures - If I was compiling such a list I'd have to think Ethics and Grammar would be in the top 3. Thus you can imagine my interest in my three and a half hour CLE class on legal writing ("can anyone tell me what a split infinitive is") and Ethics ("what if you think you're client who's paying you millions of dollars is a mean person?") Sadly, I wasn't able to sleep. I did, however, manage to not listen to a single word after the introductions, which is you know, good news for me but doesn't exactly make for fascinating reading. Oh, and lawyers, still not an attractive bunch
- Serving Sizes - Bought a cookie today, it's about the size of a regular Pepperidge Farm cookie only it was $2.40 and when I flipped it over, I saw that my individually wrapped cookie, that was smaller than the palm of my hand, was actually, in some sick, deranged, nutritionist's mind, TWO servings! How many times will I have to say this before the makers of snacks cower at my feet? If it's individually wrapped non-resealable wrapped snack it's a SINGLE SERVING! I'm not going to eat half and keep the other half a cookie for tomorrow.
- I don't think that means what you think it does - Penultimate, does not mean super ultimate, it means second to last, or second to the ultimate. Also pluperfect doesn't mean super perfect, it is variation on the past perfect tense, as in "Had he known he was going to follow a grammar lecture he would have been more careful about using words he actually understood."
Till next week
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