FAVA BEANS

I am not going to lie to you friends, I am not in a good mood. I had CLE's for 3 hours again last night (thankfully for the last time this year), and then had court this morning at 9am. More upsetting, however, were the results of the psychological profile that I took during last night's CLE's. I am not ashamed to say they were staggering, shocking, and utterly devastating. It would seem I, your trusted voice of compassion, your oracle of sympathy and sensitivity, the man who makes you all want to be better, kinder people, lack what are generally referred to as, "feelings." I know! I said the same thing. How could this be so? Is it possible the woman giving the class, a professional who by her own resume (handed out with the course packet) is an accomplished studio jeweler could be wrong? Nah!

Top Five Things That Bother Me Today

#5 - Stupid questions on a psychological profile - The following isn't an insightful question:
Which is truer of you:
a) I am bighearted
b) I am logical

Having this question repeated 26 times is even less insightful. I'm not a psychologist (though according to my score I may be psychopathic), but I'm reasonably certain a profile should consist of more than, circle "a" if youre sensitive. I have a friend who once tried to prove he was 6 feet tall by showing me his driver's license. When I asked him if he was measured before they put 'height:6' on his license, his response was; "No, they asked me how tall I was and I told them." That's pretty much the value of this test. It tells you what you think of yourself. If you're a pygmy with lifts and think you're six feet tall, that's what it will say. If you have a blog dedicated to highlighting the flaws, faults and failings of those who don't measure up, it will tell you you're an unfeeling, superior, narcissist. Hmm maybe these test ARE accurate.

#4 - People who think putting 'jewelry salesperson' on their career counselor resume is a good idea - I'm too tired to point out how dumb this is, you all see it right? I mean how would the conversation go, "Hi ,I'll be your career counselor I'm sorry to hear you got fired after being outed as a psychopath, but can I interest you in a broach?"

#3 - Dumb demonstrations - I know I'm harping on this CLE thing a bit, but hear me out. The first exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times. The second exercise we were asked to do was to sign our name five times with our off (in this case, my left) hand. Then, after we were done scrawling our names illegibly, she asked this deep and insightful question insightful question; "What did you learn?" You know what I learned? I learned I'm righthanded dumbo!

#2 - Forty year olds starting a new career - Sorry, I don't mean to discriminate (anyone believe that, no?) but you guys really need to get out of the way. For some reason the older someone is the more they feel the need to contribute at lectures. They raise their hands, bob their heads and laugh at unfunny jokes. If I had to narrow it down (I actually don't have to guess at all, I don't have an editor or anything, I'm just going to anyway), I'd say the cutoff is somewhere around the age where you find yourself lecturing store clerks about proper service. So pretty much anyone who's ever used the expressions, "when I was your age if I did that..." or "In my day we took care of the customer" should just accept their fate.

#1 - Returning stuff - I'm not what you'd call a shopper, but if there is a single process more convoluted and uneccessarily painful than returning something to a store, I'd like you to call Tourqemada, I think he's in the market for some new ideas.
The following is a dramatization (I feel like I'm in an E! True Hollywood Story) of my experience with returning a wallet.

"Hi I'd like to return this."
"Do you have a receipt?"
"Yes."
"Ok well just go to sub-basement three, open the dungeon doors and follow the screaming."

So I go to sub-basement three and the line is something like sixteen people long. Inevitably, half of these people lack receipts, another two or three of these people aren't actually returning items and keep repeating when they get to the front of the line, "but can't you just ring me up here, I've been on line forever." (These by the way are the same people who can't tell the difference between the ticket buying line and the ticket holding line at the movies). Finally I get to the front and the woman asks me,

"Would you like a credit or a refund?"
"Refund, please"
"I'm sorry we only refund purchases within 30 days of the purchase." (Oh yeah I also hate returning crap cuz it takes me forever to get around to).
"Well then I don't really understand why you asked me which I'd like, that sort of implies the choice is mine. Why even ask me otherwise? Are you filling out some sort of survey as to whether people prefer store credits over money? Cuz if you are, I can save you some time."
"Do you still want to return the item sir?"
"Yes, I'd still like to return it. Can I get a store credit then?"
"One second sir, I have to find the postage stamp sized piece of paper we print store credits on. Here it is. Please remember not to lose this (holding up credit with a tweezer) because there will be no other record of this credit and if you do, wait where'd it go? (grabs magnifying glass) Oh! there it is, as I was saying if you lose it we will keep your money. Have a nice day!