THE HIERARCHY OF FRUIT

I write this from the heavenly comfort of my cotton pajamas, nestled deep under the covers of my pillow top bed. I say this because when you read this tomorrow (what you would call 'today'), you will be hard at work, wearing freshly starched and pressed clothes, the chill of the morning air still lingering in your body, your mind still fresh with the memories of sleep and the thought of me being all snuggled up and comfy in bed will make you sad. In a related news bulletin, I am also quite mean.

I really hope someone enjoyed that as much as I do.

Anyway I've been thinking about it and it seems like there aren't enough people in the world who aren't brain addled. I say this because every so often after reading an article (news, sports, television, movies, yeah that's pretty much all I read about) online, I'll click on the little comments link and I am astounded at the idiocy being spouted. There seems to be no interest in grammar, spelling or syntax and even less interest in a comprehensible point. It's enough to lead one to wonder if only idiots use the Internet. Then again, perhaps you don't quite understand what I'm talking about, seeing as you, my readers, are apparently unaware of the comments link and the ability to post fawning and flattering remarks about an author, of a piece, such as, shall we say, this one.

I now return to the third installment of the recurring series:

Aphorisms that don't make any sense

- When in Rome - Continuing on America's fascination with all things Roman (see Rome wasn't built in a day) we apparently ascribe bowing to convention to being somehow Romanic. Why the Romans? Good question , it's actually based on first century joke, stop me if you've heard it before. An Acadian a Phoenician and a Sumerian walk into this place called Rome Bar and Grill (Applebees was full). The bartender asks them what they'll have to drink and the Phoenician replies with whatever the word in Phoenician is for beer (it's a dead language people, how much research do you think I'm doing for this joke?) and the bartender not recognizing the word gives him some cheap slop, the same holds true for the Acadian. Finally it's the Sumerian's turn he looks around at the assembled mass of people in Rome Bar and Grill all drinking cold frothy beer and says I'll have what they're having and thus was born the expression, when in Rome. Wow, I made you read a lot for a crappy punchline. Don't worry it gets better.

- I'm feeling blue - How many people have a favorite color? Good, now how many of you answered blue? See? Blue is a very popular color, people like it, it makes them happy. Who chooses a favorite color that depresses them? Even goths who wear black, wear black because it makes them happy, just don't tell them that, you'll unhinge their whole view of reality. And don't tell me it's because of the blues, the same question would still apply. My theory is someone was about to say I'm feeling black, got to 'I'm feeling bl--' looked around at the racially diverse crowd an just changed it to blue to save his cracker butt.

- Apple of my eye - I'm not even going to discuss anatomy right now because I've already done way too much research on Phoenicians and Sumerians to go back to Wikipedia again (I don't know if you noticed this but I totally just winged it on the Acadians), but I'm reasonable certain there is no part of the eye that resembles a fruit, other than perhaps a grape. So why apple? In the hierarchy of fruit I've gotta think apple is low down on the list way down near peasant or serf at best a knight, while mangoes, papayas, peaches, plums and nectarines are the Lords, Earls, Dukes, Barons and Counts of the fruit family. In fact as it stands the expression actually seems derogatory, 'you're the at best sixth most desirable fruit of my eye. From now on the proper way to say it, assuming you want to pay a compliment will be; 'You are the mango of my eye.' See, I told you it would get better.

- Cute as a button - Things that are cuter than buttons: Puppies, bunnies, the chubby girl from Little Miss Sunshine, penguins, my niece and nephew, that new Kia commercial where everyone forgets which side of the car their gas tank is on and, in my less than humble opinion, snaps. Yes that's right I find snaps cuter than buttons! Why should my personal aesthetics be subsumed to those of an aphorism? I also think toggles are cuter than buttons so by my count even when you narrow the focus to things that fasten clothes, buttons still come in third. Buttons are the apples of the clothes fastening world.

- The whole shebang - Much like our earlier discussion of The whole nine yards, this expression fails to make sense without any adjectives as to percentages. Seriously, what the hell is a shebang? It sorta sounds like a really crappy Ricky Martin song, but I don't think we can blame him for anything other than, frosted tips, Enrique Iglesias and people who say 'I'm just livin' La vida Loca.' I think the true measure of a word is, if you take it out of the context in which it's used, does it still make sense? In this case, if you said yeah I went to the store but I could only get three-fifths of a shebang, people would look at you funny. Shebang, not a word.