Mar 30, 2006

A DAY OFF FROM MISOGYNY

Due to reader request I now present you with a list from a slightly, unexpected, perspective

Top 10 Things That Would Bother Me If I Were A Woman

#10 -Yeast infections – And here I thought having a “bun in the oven” was a figurative expression

#9 - Lace underwear – Now while I can’t speak from personal experience as to whether these are comfortable or not, I have had my grandmother’s tablecloth under my elbows, and I have to say, it kinda chafed.

#8 - Underwire – A thin metallic strand wrapped tight around my chest, sounds comfy.

#7 - Low rise jeans – Butt crack and "Muffin Tops" really shouldn’t be a fashion accessory (say women).

#6 - Hillary Clinton – ‘Nuff said

#5 - Beer goggles – At least when you’re a guy you’re still somewhat satisfied to have ended up with a girl. Unfortunately, as a girl, satisfaction is unlikely due to the fact that you’re likely to end up with a reject from the casting call for the character of Screech in “Saved by the Bell, The Post, Post Graduate Years”

#4 - The fact that Derek Jeter only bats 5 times in a 3 1/2 hour baseball game – I suppose as a woman the subtle intricacies of baseball might be considered boring, however, when Derek Jeter steps to the plate and bends over, the women yelling and waving dollar bills like housewives at a strip club seem to come alive.

#3 - Nippleitis – Perhaps you’re more familiar with its other moniker, “Headlight Syndrome.” Either way, air conditioning should never be a bad thing.

#2 - The internet – I’m sure it seemed like a good idea at the time, you were in love, he said he wouldn’t show it to anyone, you thought it would be fun. Now you’re downloaded more often than that scene from “Wild Things” with Denise Richard’s and Neve Campbell and people keep calling you Thumper.

#1 - Reunions – You were hot in high school, hot in college, now it’s 20 years later and while you are trying to keep it up, you are, sadly, now old and wrinkley, and all the people who thought throughout those years, "If only I could hit that" (I'm reasonably certain that's proper usage of that particular slang) are now thinking, “turns out I didn’t miss out on all that much after all.”

Mar 27, 2006

INDEFINITE ARTICLE, ARTICLE II

Top 10 Things That Should Be Things (continued)

6) The oxygen conservation initiative - The ecologically conscious among us propose that we stop cutting down the rainforests and burn fewer fossil fuels to preserve our atmosphere, I have a similar proposal, but one that requires much less sacrifice. Revoke the speaking privileges of idiots the world over. The sheer number of people who shouldn't ever be allowed to speak allowed would confound an MIT grad. The way I see it, if we eliminate speech from the realm of options for these sorry folk, oxygen will never be a concern again. Now go forth and buy SUV's

7) The 10 minutes isn't late rule – Really it's so close, lets just call it the "You mean its not 9 O'clock right NOW!?" rule.

8) The 3 second takeback - Here's a dramatic demonstration: "Can you please stop talking, I'm trying to watch TV" 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi, 3 Mississi - whooooa, I'm sorry baby, you know I didn't mean that, come here, tell me all about your day. One caveat, you need to activate the takeback before the "I know you didn't just say that to me" face, becomes the "Someone is going to be sleeping on the couch/taking me shopping" face (in case you're wondering, it's all in the lip snarl).

9) Dibs - I understand dibs is an old concept and has been around for a while, but what I am proposing is that we extend it to EVEYTHING. Girls, jobs, cars, girls. A simple first to see, first to be served, framework. You see someone's girlfriend, she's yours, if he starts yelling, you simply say, dude, I called dibs, then just watch him walk away.

10) Elevator expulsion - People need to learn to wait in line. If you've been waiting for the elevtor patiently, and Sneaky McThere's-A-Line?, all of a sudden zips past you into the nearly full elevator as the doors part, then you need to be able to grab said person by the hair, point out the fact that there is a line and then throw him from the elevator. In a perfect world you'd be able to do this from a trapdoor inside a moving elevator, at say the 11th floor, but unfortunately my reign over the world has yet to be fully acknowledged.

Coming next time: Top 10 Things That Would Bother Me If I Were A Woman

Mar 15, 2006

INDEFINITE ARTICLE, ARTICLE

Sometimes you find yourself in a position where you feel like there should be a rule or a law or court order to prevent what is going on from going on, I am here to rectify that by providing you with a list of Things, that should be real things, things you can call out and be able to move on without issue. So here they are:

Top 10 Things That Should Be Things

#1 - The first date lemon law - If after 15 minutes you realize that your date is more likely to end up on a "least wanted" poster than on a second date with you, you should have the right to invoke "the lemon law" whereby you simply tell your date, I'm sorry, but you're a lemon, this date is over, here's the bill for your half of the gas money.

#2 - The funeral rejection explanation - All those whom you asked out in life, and who similarly rebuffed your advances, should, at your funeral, be forced to stand on the dais and explain, in detail, why it is that they refused to go out with you, right after the sparkling eulogies of course.

#3 - The mitigating circumstances rule - When caught not doing something that you very well know you should have done and under normal circumstances would have done but for, mitigating circumstances, for example, I know missing your birthday was a big deal and a huge mistake and normally you would get very mad at me and be totally justified in doing so, BUT, mitigtating circumstances, i.e. it was the same day as the Final 4 (that's college basketball for the women out there).

#4 - The automated response - Fast answeres to often asked questions, simply hold up some digits and avoid losing focus on Gilmore Girls. Here are the designations:
1 finger for - No, you don't look fat in that 2 - Yes, I like your haircut. 3 - Whatever you make for dinner is fine. 4 - My day was fine 5 - No, I'm not cheating on you, I don't even know how her number got in my phone.
Not to be mysoginistic (at the moment) here are the 5 automated responses for women:
1 - Yes, I saw that play, it was a very good hit, do they get a touchdown? 2 - I'll be ready in 5 minutes 3 - If you didn't want eggplant salad for dinner, you should have said so when I asked! 4 - Second shelf on the left hand side, behind the mayonaise 5 - No, I'm not cheating on you, I have no idea how his number got in my phone.

# 5- The Sunday veto - No work should ever be done on Sunday. As such when work is assigned that will require effort, real, significant, effort, being put into it on a Sunday, one should be allowed to make that buzzing sound people make when someone gets an answer wrong, (you know what I'm talking about and if not, you aren't judgemental enough) and with pleasure say, I'm sorry but I'm going to have to veto that assignment.

Tune in next time for Things 6 - 10 (I know, I'm evil like that)

Mar 8, 2006

THURSDAYS ARE FOR INTROSPECTION

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE UNDER-EVOLVED PART OF MY BRAIN THAT ENJOYS WATCHING "GILMORE GIRLS"

Dear Brain,
We've been together for quite a while now, you and I, and I thought that, given our history, our deep and abiding connection, our mutual hatred of, well, most everything, that I could count on you to never betray me. Unfortunately, this seems not to be the case. Instead of following the strict guy code of never watching a TV show with the words "girls" or "women" in the title, you have unilaterally decided to find watching "Gilmore Girls" enjoyable, GILMORE GIRLS! It's right there in the title ,for God sakes, brain, "GIRLS."
Sure I know what you'll say, that the characters are both believable and lovable, that you find Lauren Graham so enrapturing that you aren't sure if you want her to date us or adopt us, that the overlapping dialogue and witty reparte is reminiscent of the early Aaron Sorkin years of "West Wing" which we so loved. That two rather hot chicks in one show, a show that already features stimulating dialogue, is more than a man has a right to ask for, perhaps even going so far as to point out the dearth of attractive women on Sports Night (Felicity Huffman?) and West Wing (Does Allison Janney even count as a woman, or does she violate the maximum height allowance?). Maybe you might even try to say that having the two aforementioned hot chicks being mother and daughter satisfies some, as of yet, undiscovered male fantasy of ours. Yet while all of that may in fact be true (not that I'm admitting to the mother daughter fantasy mind you)I feel like you're missing the point, IT HAS "GIRLS" IN THE TITLE.
So I ask you, brain, please, in the name of all that good and masculine, end this obssession with the girls Gilmore. If you do maybe I might even give you a treat, like eating fish more often (get it, brain food) or playing scrabble once in a while.

Sincerely,

If I Ran The World

P.S. - Thanks for the help with that mock trial

Mar 7, 2006

THE SECRET LIVES OF ORTHAPEDISTS

Before I begin I'd like to point out that there's a post directly below this one which most of you have not read, so you know, read it and defend me.

So I saw the doctor yesterday, and after he twisted my knee in various unnatural directions resulting in some rather unmanly screeching, he asked me if it hurt. This led me to two consclusions, one, doctors are sadists and two, my doctor doesn't think much of my masculinity. Thankfully though, instead of telling me that my knee was just sore, and that it will go away on it's own, so stop whining you huge girl, He told me that I have tendonitis (how cool?) and that it will go away on it's own so stop whining you huge girl. See it's that kind of bedside manner that can make all the difference in making a complete recovery. But I digress.
As I was sitting in the waiting room it occurred to me that there are an awful lot of idioms, aphorism and common sayings in our everyday use that are without question just flat out odd, and after come careful thought I decided to make a list of these and here is what I've come up with.

Top 10 English Idioms That Make No Sense

#10 - Can't have your cake and eat it too - Correct me if I'm wrong, but wouldn't it be difficult to eat cake you didn't have? Unless of course you're crazy, but even then, I can't imagine it being very satisfying.

#9 - Don't look a gift horse in the mouth - I can't speak for you but I know that I always get insulted whenever I give people a horse for their birthday and then they go and look at its mouth. Makes me wish I'd gotten them a card instead.

#8 - Back to square one - So when your idea at work turns out to be complete and utter crap the result is that you get demoted to playing hopscotch? Hmm maybe that does make some sense.

#7 - Don't mean to toot my own horn - Was there alot of horn tooting going on at some point in history? Did people win an argument then whip out their horn and start tooting? And even if this was the case, does this mean tooting your own horn is bad, but it's ok to toot someone else's horn? because if so, that just seems rather unsanitary, what with the spit and all, people put their mouths on those things.

#6 - Keep your nose to the grindstone - Seriously has anyone even seen a grindstone in their entire life? and if you have, does it really seem like the place for soft cartilaginous facial tissue?

#5 - Til the cows come home - Yeah, I remember back in '88 when the FBI was just befuddled by the sudden spate of runaway cows, apparently they had an argument with their parents about dating particular bulls and they just took off. The FBI vowed it wouldn't stop searching till. . . that's right, the cows came home.

#4 - Straight from the horse's mouth - So now we measure the veracity of a statement by whether or not its source was equine in nature? Not to say it's a bad idea, but somehow I think we might be better off asking the psychic hotline. As a side note, what's up with our horsemouth fascination?

#3 - There's more than one way to skin a cat - You actually need me to point out that this is just odd? Honestly are there really people out there skinning cats? Is there a cat skin demand that I'm unaware of? And more to the point, is this demand so great that we've actually devised multiple methodologies for flaying the said felines?

#2 - The pot calling the kettle black - I'm sorry, is the pot saying that the kettle is obssessed with rims? Because that really don't seem like something a kettle should be criticized for, especially the rims thing, they're both made out chrome, it's a natural attraction.

#1 - The truth will set you free - Was this meant to be ironic? Or was it a subtle form of misdirection propogated by women to ruin the lives of men? Any man who has ever dated any girl can tell you that the only things the truth will set you up for are: nagging, shopping and dumping (oh I get it, set you free, you women are cruel).

Mar 5, 2006

EXPRESSIONISM

As I write this post I'm sitting in my room in NY on vacation with and ice pack on my left knee and a heat pack on right shoulder (I'm not sure if heat or cold is the proper approach and I've seen people do both on TV, so I figure at least this way I've got a 50/50 shot). You might naturally ask yourself, "were you in an accident?" "Did you hurt yourself playing ball?" and be perfectly justified doing so. Unfortunately, while both of these are valid questions, and I'd love to say that they were in fact the cause of my current infirmity, neither are true. It would seem that I, at the ripe old age of 25, am now beginning the long and not so slow descent into old age and fragility, the point in life where going to sleep becomes a dangerous activity that could result in a hospital visit and an MRI. So if there is anyone else out there suffering from the cruel ravages of time, but is younger than I am, please comment and tell me how much your life sucks, it'll make me smile as I go into the MRI.
Now to quiet the maddening crowd:

Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today

#1 - People who say "no pun intended" - First off, it's a lie, you wanted to make a joke, wanted to have people laugh at your wordplay, unfortunately, you resorted to the pun, the lowest form of all humor, and as such needed to point out the fact that you even made a joke. Secondly, it's a bad lie. It's like when you ask a girl out and she starts laughing at you and you try to cover by going " yea I know pretty funny joke huh?" (before making the obligatory, "has that happened to you comment?" please note I used "you" as an example). The only people who ever say "no pun intended" are those who are overcome with the desperate urge to make a joke, but are tragically limited comedically. Now while you might have some pity on these poor souls, thinking of them as handicapped in a sense. I urge you not to cave into pity here. These people aren't simply unknowng children trying to impress their parents, these are people who are aware of their comedic limitations. However, instead of simply acknowledging those shortcomings and becoming accountants, they've chosen to attempt jokes anyway. Shame on you all. Now go do my taxes!

#2 - People who go to Harvard - Not much to say here, but I'm thinking that if we all focus our hatred in the direction of the attendees, and really, unless you go to Harvard, shouldn't you hate them, maybe we can bury them under a mound of pink slime, kind of like the underground river of hate in Ghostbusters II .

#3 - The hats men in they navy wear - http://www.guardcloset.com/PHOTOS/600247.jpg - Seriously, these are our armed services, the people who are entrusted with protecting us, charged with a single duty, intimidate the crap out of the bad guys. And to accomplish this goal we dress them lke 4 year olds? Is there anything intimating about a hat that looks like it was designed by one of the gay rejects from Project Runway, I know what you're thinking "aren't they all gay?" and the answer is, yes, but I've got to give Heidi Klum credit for turning at least one guy straight. . . and all they girls gay.

#4 - Making people smarter and prettier in death - So this rather plain looking, chunky, hispanic woman was raped and murdered at some point last week. Now while her death of course saddens me (whatever, I have to at least pretend, the FBI might read this at somepoint and I think I fit the psychological profile for a sociopath a bit too well as is) what troubles me is that at least 3 different newspapers ran her picture on the cover with a heading including the word "beautiful." Now I know they saw her face before printing this, so my question is this; why is it that when peope die we feel the need to make them out to be things they never were? Ms. I-Was-Raped-And-Am-Now-Dead, was probably good at something, maybe darts. . . or parcheesi, so why not put that on the cover next to her picture instead ofa blatant lie which will only cause thousands of people (Ok, so maybe just me) to mock the dead. I think a headline like this would have worked perfectly, "PLAIN LOOKING, CHUNKY, HISPANIC GIRL WHO BY THE WAY ROCKED THE HOUSE AT PARCHEESI, WAS RAPED AND KILLED TODAY" What do you think?

#5 - Random hot women who stand on the stage at the Oscars - Ok, before you start yelling at me, or you know, typing in caps, I am all for getting as many hot women on TV as possible, but it seems that these women's (that's a weird grammatical construction right there) sole purpose is to navigate the winners from their seats to the stage and from the stage to well, off the stage. On this I have two gripes, one, REALLY!? You want women giving directions? and two, IT'S A BIG FREAKING MICROPHONE! ON AN EMPTY STAGE! HOW FREAKING HARD CAN IT BE TO GET THERE ON YOUR OWN!? (that, by the way, was me yelling).

Pandering to Perverts will be relpaced today with "Question of the Day" however, in the future, Question of the Day" will replace Who I Like Today. If this seems confusing, it is, but really I needed to give some serious "props" to Jack Nicholson so:

Who I Like Today and I Don't Mean The Inventor of The Acceptance Speech
Jack Nicholson - The dude is like 80 and he's sitting in the front row at the Oscars next to, wait for it. . . Kiera Knightley. It's just, she's soooo hot.

The Reason is Because
"A decision that they probably rightly or wrongly made" - Butch Davis Former NFL and College head coach
The head coach is supposed to be the smart one right? Well at least now we know why the title head coach is now preceded by the word "former," on the bright side for Butch , at least he is guaranteed to be right.

Question of the Day
How do homeless people date? It's not like they can do dinner and a movie, unless, of course, there's a 7:00 showing of King Kong at the dumpster behind the Chinese restaurant. I know, King Kong is old, but hey, they're homeless. You know the expression beggars can't be choosers? This is the situation it was created for.

SPRING BREAK REWARD

NEW POSTS ALL WEEK STARTING TOMORROW