AND THE BEATINGS GO ON

First off, welcome to day two of the campaign to get me elected, Person Who Runs the World. I know this not an actual position, right now. But, if you continue to read this post and support me, perhaps we can work something out with NATO, again, I know this isn't the entire world, but hey, at least it's got most of the important parts. Go Brooklyn.

Top 5 (would be 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) things that bother me today.
#1 – People who take up 2 parking spots - You my friends, and I use this term in its most pejorative sense, are the crap that is too crappy to be put into a hot dog, the baby too awful to be adopted by Angelina Jolie, the show too bad to be aired by UPN. You, in a word, SUCK.

#2 – People who Use Big Words But Don’t Know What They Mean - I know having people think you're smart is an attractive idea, it sounds good, rewarding even, but if you can't hit with the big boys, don't pick up a bat. Now this rant isn't directed at the people who use imply and infer as if they meant the same thing (you people are on a whole of plane of bothering me), no, this is aimed at those of you who are educated, who have been to schools where people use big words on a regular basis, and you, in your immeasurable laziness and stupidity, have decided that this is enough information for you to start using them as well. In short, GET A DICTIONARY.

#3 – People Who Pronounce Words Wrong Because They Think it Makes Them Sound Smarter (and yes, I mean you Maddona)- I know the English pronounce words differently than we do and I know they generally sound smarter than we do (candidate for person who runs the world excluded, of course), that, however, is still not an excuse for trying to sound like them. "Often" has a silent T, "mature" has a ch sound not a hard T, and "again" has a short e in the middle and does not sound like gain. DEAl WITH IT.
Rant within a rant - To the spineless nerds at Websters who added the hard T pronunciation of "often" to the acceptable pronunciations list. What's the point in knowing what all those words mean, knowing how to properly pronounce them, even coming up with a crazy new alphabet with that backwards "e" thing if youre just going to cave in the face of "people who pronounce words wrong because they think it makes the sound smart." You disappoint me.

#4 – Movie Trailers That Give Away the Entire Plot - The point of a movie trailer is, far as I can tell, to make people who see it interested in seeing the movie itself, piquing (and for those of you who fall into the realm of "Things That Bother Me Today" #2, this is not an invitation for you to start using the word "pique" indiscriminantly) their collective curiousity. It is not, however, supposed to serve as a "Cliff's Notes" version of the movie for people too cheap to spend 2 hours and $10 actually going to see it (due apologies to the twitchers among us, your ADD is not your fault, though it remains, inherently mockable).

#5 – That Screeching Thing Girls Do After Bumping Into Each Other- The only other time I've heard screeching that high pitched was watching the mating rituals of amazonian chimpanzee's on Natural Geographic. I can understand it, not condone it, but understandstand, if this "blood pouring out of my shattered eardrums shrieking" was limited to important events, like seeing your sister come back from war in Iraq or meeting your biological mother for the first time, but not for meeting your best friend, with whom you have 3 classes this semster, for the first time since, well, one the the aforementioned classes. YOU BOTHER ME.

Who I Like Today and I Don’t Mean Kiera Knightley
- Michael Ian Black - AKA that annoying guy who comments on those guilty pleasure shows on VH1 and he was on "Ed". While Mr. Black may well be, well, annoying, he has written some funny stuff, so, if you enjoy my posts, I suggest checking him out. http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/black/

They Made Some Bad Mistakes
- "So this one summer in summer camp" - Deena something or other - I know you never thought you'd be held accountable for what came out of your mouth and that you never contemplated that others might revel in your rather foolish redundancy, but well, it turns out you are and, in fact, we are.