I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO FIGHT

Day four – First, some administrative details, the redundancy section, “They Made Some Bad Mistakes” will now be know as “The Reason is Because” (Y.T.T. in the Hizz-ouse) and will furthermore, be a rotating column, not limited exclusively to redundancy, but covering all manners of stupid utterances. Second, those of you who have been reading the comments section are surely aware that there has been a bit of a power struggle, I want to assure my loyal readers that the coup started by some of the your inconsiderate and jealous fellow citizens will not stop me from shining the warming light of my brilliance on the rest of you. All I have to say on this matter is that the American troops are nowhere near Baghdad and I am repelling the infidel horde at this very moment. – Baghdad Bob

Top 5 (would be 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Ringtones – I know you think that having Fur Elise play every time your phone rings gives you the appearance of having an all too rare ear for the beauty of classical music, that you are from the connoisseur’s of aristocracy and good taste. IT DOESN’T. What it does mean is that you know 6 songs played on the piano by people other than Alicia Keys, Elton John, and Billy Joel. So please, do us all a favor and make it what you really want, what you yearn for, 50 cent “In Da Club” unless of course… you’re white.

#2 – People Who Make Phone calls in the Bathroom – First off, Eeeeeewwwwww. I know in the modern era people are really quite pressed for time and have to combine as many activities as possible, but I don’t think that this falls quite within the parameters of multi-tasking. Think of the word people, DEFECATION, does that sound like something you want to share with other people? I mean really what’s the thought process, hey, I’m going to be expelling noxious gasses from my rectum at possibly high decibels, oh that’s right I need to call Jerry. Think of the message you’re sending to these people, “Yeah Jerry what’s up I hadn’t spoken to you in a while, but then I started to defecate and well, I thought about you, I know, I know, I am too sweet.” NOT LIKELY! So let’s just set up a ground rule ok? If it makes me taste bile, try not to dial.

#3 – Traitors – You know who you are, you Caesar stabbing, Samson shearing, Othello deceiving, Judases (or is that Judi, like cacti). I shall not be so easily disposed of Brutus, nor so easily shorn (ok, fine, perhaps I should have left this one out) Delilah. I will not listen your sweet whispers Iago while you conspire and connive behind my back. That is right, I will have my revenge, I shall eviscerate you with obscure literary references that you may or may not get. I will call you names which may or may not be insulting depending whether the archaic definition is still relevant. I will … ok that’s pretty much it. Moving on.

#4 – People Who Use the Expression “Can I Take a Rain Check” – No. No, you may not take a rain check. There is no rain check, there never was a rain check. I think it’s safe to say the secret about rain checks is out, it means you don’t want to go. So for those of you out there who aren’t aware of this, I’ll give you one more piece of advice, we know about the Pig Latin too. So how abut you just man up and say what you really mean yoka? (that’s “Okay” in Pig Latin you fault seeking freaks).
Note: To those of you using this expression at the ticketing counter of Yankee Stadium, I’m sorry and ummm, ooops.

#5 – People Who Ask Stupid Questions –To those of you who feel the need to state facts in the form of questions, to inquire about the obvious, to just in general annoy the crap out of everyone. SHUT THE HELL UP. Yes, my tire is flat. No, I am not awake. Yes, I am watching this, that’s why its oooooon. The dumb question is and forever shall be, dumb, it’s dumbness cannot be saved or mitigated or marginalized, no, I’m sorry but prefacing a dumb question with “can I ask a dumb question?” doesn’t make your question any less dumb, it just means you’ve now asked TWO dumb questions, one of which, you are even aware of. STOP IT.

Who I Like Today and I Don’t Mean Bubba Crosby
- Johnny Damon – For those of you reading this blog not from the NY area, or even worse, not Yankee fans, you are clearly in the wrong place and should, well, die. If that doesn’t seem like something you have the courage to do to yourself, then just read the name Johnny Damon once again and let the jealousy slowly eat away at your internal organs. Cheers.

The Reason is Because
- “I’d like to say one or two words to the mayor, show us some respect” – Transit Union President – I’m sorry, but that was neither one nor two words, maybe the problem with the transit union is that they don’t understand the offers, I suggest instead of writing them down, from now on they demonstrate them by adding and subtracting apples. You have to love a country where and man who can’t count to four can get elected president.