It has recently come to my attention that I may in fact be, as one reader so eloquently phrased it, a “bastard.” This revelation startled me, much as I’m sure it is startling you right now. I have tried to be kind and thoughtful, even merciful, looking for possible justifications for the actions of the worlds undiagnosed mentally challenged, actions which do so annoy me. But it would seem this beneficence has been overlooked, disregarded even. Instead, I have had my character attacked, my good will questioned and my intentions doubted. And so, it is with a heavy heart that I announce to you, my loyal readers that today will be my final post. I simply cannot go on writing this article day after day knowing that I am actually hurting people’s feelings. Goodbye.
The above paragraph is what I would have written if I actually cared about hurting the feelings of those less mentally blessed. Fortunately for me, I don’t. So instead, I’m here to assure you that “The Bastard” is alive and well, and well, once I’m being honest, I wasn’t startled either(shocking, I know). So if anyone has any complaints or negative comments they’d like to share, I’ve provided for the convenience of each one of you whiners a letter drop on your person. I think you can figure out where to stuff it (if you’re having trouble parsing this joke, then odds are you probably actually are retarded, and I apologize for picking on you, even if your tongue is oversized). So without further ado and with much suspense here it is.
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – Family Gatherings- In the spirit of the holiday season, I’d like to share my thoughts on the inevitable seasonal torture. Why is it that come holiday time, people whom you haven’t seen for 10 or 11 months suddenly feel the need to gather? What is it about this time of year that makes people forget, “there’s a reason I don’t hang out with these people?” Is there something in the eggnog or latkes that causes the synaptic pathways in the brains of the people in charge of making phone calls to misfire and dial the wrong numbers? Or is it that people just feel guilty? If that’s the case, then someone please call me and tell me what this “guilt” thing feels like.
#2 – Katie Holmes’ Pregnant Belly – Sometimes life just isn’t fair, you’re young you’re beautiful you have everything you want and then Katie Holmes goes and gets pregnant and you’re life is just that less perfect. Selfish!
#3 – The Long Pointless Story – Every group of friends has one, and as the saying goes, if you don’t think it does, that’s because it’s you. The guy who feels the need to share every detail of what he promises will be a funny story, but is, in reality, not. Kind of like this particular rant, look I know it isn’t funny but maybe my guy will read this and stop doing it, so really, you’re all suffering so that I might survive in peace, kind of like Jesus, only in reverse.
#4 – People Who Call You But Are Already Holding Another Conversation – So let me get this straights, you, are calling me, but when I answer, you’re talking to someone else? Exactly how addled does one’s mind have to be to not realize this is bad? Fruit flies, which have a lifespan that is measured in hours, learn this lesson before you do. Really, in all honesty, you people BOTHER ME.
#5 – People Who Only Know One Verse Of A Song But Sing It Anyway – There’s a reason songwriters write more than one verse to a song, that reason is, it annoying as hell to listen to the same words over and over and over and over and over (getting annoying already isn’t it?) . So here’s is my advice to all you short-term memory challenged would be vocalists LEARN THE WORDS, and oh yeah your voice probably sucks too, so maybe just don’t sing in general.
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean Ugly Babies (if only someone would tell their parents)
- Me – Really it's amazing it’s taken 8 days for me to make this list.
The Reason Is Because
“Wait, Am I going to be 29 or 30?” – my sister
- As if I needed more proof I was adopted
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
For a second I actaully thought you were serious in the first paragraph, but then I remembered that you have no conscience.
ReplyDeletePretty good job thoday though....but oh my G-d, you need to let some of that ego go. You're not hotshot enough for that attitude.
1. Dude, juat because I have an arab name, doesn't mean I am a terrorist. Next time you call about eithanising all old people, I'm just going to hang up.
ReplyDelete2. Its driver license not driving license. (Trust me, check your wallet).