I’m BAAAAAAAACK. Welcome to week 2 readers, I know this brief, two day separation from me has been difficult on you but I am here to help, to lend voice to those complaints which you have but lack the will to voice, those you don’t have, but will as soon as you finish reading and those you never will have, but should.
Top 5 (would be top 10 but that’d just make me seem hard to please) Things That Bother Me Today.
#1 – People Who Talk To Babies – Man has been reproducing for thousands of years, advancing in ways that are so wondrous that the mere conception of them was, previously, not only impracticable, it was impossible. But in all that time, with all those advancements, our communication with babies has evolved exactly this far: “Hiiiii, Hellloooo, Hiiiiii, Do you know you’re adorable? Yes you are, Yes you are.” Someone please get me a vomit bag. Seriously, can someone please explain to me why, upon being presented with a baby, a seemingly normal and intelligent human being’s brain will magically transform into babaganoush? Hello? This is what we’ve come up with? We have technology that allows us to communicate with dolphins, monkeys are communicating to humans through sign language and the best we can do for humans is Hiiiiiiiii? WE’RE DOOMED.
#2 – Political Correctness – Someone please find the guilt-ridden rich white boy responsible for Political correctness and hurt him (Note: Author is not responsible for any actions taken in response to the preceding sentence. This diatribe is not meant to promote violence against any person or organization, unless of course you happen to actually know the guy, in which case, you should totally go for it, just don’t mention my name). So here’s a little tidbit for all you P.C.’ers out there reading this (though I honestly can’t imagine how any of you are reading this blog without the acorn you call for a brain turning into the aforementioned, babaganoush), Not all black people come from Africa, the general singular pronoun is He (no, not she, he/she, or they) and the term for humanity is MANkind and oh yeah, G-d… IS A GUY (and a Yankee fan but that’s a whole other rant).
#3 – People who talk to me while I’m on the phone – Exactly what is going through your mind when you see a phone next to my ear that makes you think that this is a good time to talk to me, could it be that you’re unfamiliar with the technology and think that it’s some sort of seashell? Because that’s really the only explanation I can come up with. I know this rant deserves a more protracted analysis but I don’t think I can find any explanation for this behavior other than stupidity, so for those of you who talk to people while they’re on the phone… maybe college isn’t for you, but on the bright side the Department of Sanitation has great benefits and you get to drive a really cool truck, who knows, if you play your cards right, you might even get to honk the horn.
#4 – People Who Sing Along To Songs On The Radio, But Don’t Know All The Words – No, this is not OK, it is not cute, it is in fact the opposite of cute, it’s Roseanne, not even stomach stapled, face lifted, tummy tucked, liposuctioned Roseanne, no, it’s the fat one. So next time you get the urge to sing along to a song you’re kind of familiar with in the way I’m kind of familiar with Kiera Knightley, do us all a favor and get your face stapled shut instead. Cheers.
#5 – Dubbing Of Swearing in 80’s Rated R movies – “Yippe Ki-yay Mother (wait for it) Falcon!” What in the name of Bruce Willis is going on? Can someone please explain to me how that sentence makes any sense? Is there a fairy tale I missed in childhood? Did my mother screw up? Is “Mother Goose” not really a goose, but a bird of prey? Or is it possible, even just a little that there is someone out there, a person with actual real world power, who could have possibly thought that it was OK to replace the offensive term in the preceding quote with any word that starts with the same letter. If so Falcon you! You stupid Mother Falconing, son of a Bialy (it’s that thing that’s kind of like a bagel but the hole doesn’t go all the way through) I hope you rot in Hibiscus (it’s a plant).
Who I Like Today And I (certainly) Don’t Mean (Radio Edit)
- The People Who Brought Us Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle (I don’t exactly know who the “people who brought us” includes, but they use it in commercials all the time so what the hell) – This was a very funny movie and it appears that there is going to be a sequel in the near future, let the over-hyping begin.
The Reason Is Because
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you, I wasn’t wearing my glasses.” I’m not going to say anything about this people I’m just going to let you listen to it yourself one more time. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you” (translation: the vibrations caused by your voice were not properly received by my auditory canal) because “I wasn’t wearing my glasses” (translation: because I am not wearing the device which alleviates my myopia). What!?
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You, Mr. I-just-want-to-give-my-readers-something-funny-to-read-but-really-I’m-polluting-their-minds-with-my-evil-thoughts, are like an insidious disease. You spread your distaste for pretty much everyone and everything in such a way that we, your readers, are deceptively entertained, while our minds are being filled with your hateful nonsense.
ReplyDeleteBravo!
Don't you just love it when a plan comes together
ReplyDeleteIn times like these I find it is best to apologize, when that isn't possible, it is blame someone else, when that isn't possible, lie. In that spirit I'd just like to say, "It wasn't me."
ReplyDeleteAs someone who has seen Die Hard 2 far too many times on TV, I would just like to point out that the line you cited is actually dubbed "Mister Falcon" not "Mother Falcon" (I normally wouldn't nitpick insignificant points, but I feel this is too important to let linger (I also normally wouldn't put this much in parentheses, but in honor of point #2, I felt it was important to enclose half of my comment within them as well)).
ReplyDeleteI hope you've learned your lesson. Even though the guilt was short-lived, you best be rememberin it next time you think about saying something stupid.
ReplyDelete