Feb 22, 2006
Feb 15, 2006
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Top 9 Reasons To Hate Valentine's Day (It's more than 5 so shut up!)
#9 - Red Underwear - Useless 364 days a year
#8 - Have you seen how many cards a Hallmark has? It's like being a blind guy at a lineup, you gotta pick someone, and you're almost sure it's going to be the wrong one.
#7 - The last minute date - It's February 13th the clocks ticking and you're still without a date. Suddenly the phone rings and you think you're safe, until you realize it's the midget with the humpback, harelip and one leg significantly longer calling to asks if you have plans> It's at this moment that you realize a sobering truth, if you want a date on Valentine's Day, you're going to have to accept Quasimodo's proposal and try not to pass out when the soup spills out his/her harelip at dinner.
#6 - The Importance of Being Earnest - you have to be sincere on Valentine's Day, and really, what if you're just starting a relationship, or worse, you haven't worked all the kinks out of your sincere and heartfelt voice, "I love you as much as I love baseball" might get taken the wrong way. It's just asking for a walkout.
#5 - The Walkout - A date walking out on you mid-dinner is bad, but when it's a Valentine's day dinner, odds are she isn't walking away from fried chicken with a side of slaw, (unless of course you're from Alabama, but then that really isn't too big a deal anyway, it's not like you won't have a chance to get even with your sister) and now you're faced with an unsolveable dilemma, pay the bill, leave the food uneaten and get the girl or, pay the bill, ask them to wrap dinner up, and find her 15 minutes later at your car door shivering and glaring at the doggie bag in your hand.
#4 - Valentine's Day Precedence - You think you're being good, think you're being nice, think you're being a wonderful boyfriend, remembering to buy a gift for your near manic girlfriend and then you find out about the precedence, apparently, Valentine's Day comes third in important day of the dating year heirarchy, after Anniversary and Birthday, so while Jerusalem may be quite the coup, they want Mecca and Medina too. That being said, when those other "special" days rear their ugly head, don't think she's forgotten what you got her for V-day, no, she's got it written down somewhere, and now you, you poor sap, have to top it. . . TWICE!
#3 - The Wife v. Girlfriend Dilemma - There's only one Valentine's Day a year, who gets it? Your wife, the mother of your children, the woman you love or your girlfriend, the woman with only one chin and a waistline the size of your wifes anklet.
#2 - Avoiding the Birthday - You think you're sitting pretty, you've just started dating a guy/girl, his/her birthday isnt till August, you've got a 6 month window before you need to make a decision as to whether or not he/she is worth a bigtime present, then comes Valentine's Day smacking your cheap self upside the head like a guy who tells Gib's he doesn't own a measuring cup.
#1 - Bad Poetry - Oh for the love of all that is good holy, please, please, pleeeeease, enough with the rhyming, really, it's not like Valentine's Day is sponsored by Dr. Suess. "It is not good, in fact it's bad, its worse than prose, really, it's quite sad."
#9 - Red Underwear - Useless 364 days a year
#8 - Have you seen how many cards a Hallmark has? It's like being a blind guy at a lineup, you gotta pick someone, and you're almost sure it's going to be the wrong one.
#7 - The last minute date - It's February 13th the clocks ticking and you're still without a date. Suddenly the phone rings and you think you're safe, until you realize it's the midget with the humpback, harelip and one leg significantly longer calling to asks if you have plans> It's at this moment that you realize a sobering truth, if you want a date on Valentine's Day, you're going to have to accept Quasimodo's proposal and try not to pass out when the soup spills out his/her harelip at dinner.
#6 - The Importance of Being Earnest - you have to be sincere on Valentine's Day, and really, what if you're just starting a relationship, or worse, you haven't worked all the kinks out of your sincere and heartfelt voice, "I love you as much as I love baseball" might get taken the wrong way. It's just asking for a walkout.
#5 - The Walkout - A date walking out on you mid-dinner is bad, but when it's a Valentine's day dinner, odds are she isn't walking away from fried chicken with a side of slaw, (unless of course you're from Alabama, but then that really isn't too big a deal anyway, it's not like you won't have a chance to get even with your sister) and now you're faced with an unsolveable dilemma, pay the bill, leave the food uneaten and get the girl or, pay the bill, ask them to wrap dinner up, and find her 15 minutes later at your car door shivering and glaring at the doggie bag in your hand.
#4 - Valentine's Day Precedence - You think you're being good, think you're being nice, think you're being a wonderful boyfriend, remembering to buy a gift for your near manic girlfriend and then you find out about the precedence, apparently, Valentine's Day comes third in important day of the dating year heirarchy, after Anniversary and Birthday, so while Jerusalem may be quite the coup, they want Mecca and Medina too. That being said, when those other "special" days rear their ugly head, don't think she's forgotten what you got her for V-day, no, she's got it written down somewhere, and now you, you poor sap, have to top it. . . TWICE!
#3 - The Wife v. Girlfriend Dilemma - There's only one Valentine's Day a year, who gets it? Your wife, the mother of your children, the woman you love or your girlfriend, the woman with only one chin and a waistline the size of your wifes anklet.
#2 - Avoiding the Birthday - You think you're sitting pretty, you've just started dating a guy/girl, his/her birthday isnt till August, you've got a 6 month window before you need to make a decision as to whether or not he/she is worth a bigtime present, then comes Valentine's Day smacking your cheap self upside the head like a guy who tells Gib's he doesn't own a measuring cup.
#1 - Bad Poetry - Oh for the love of all that is good holy, please, please, pleeeeease, enough with the rhyming, really, it's not like Valentine's Day is sponsored by Dr. Suess. "It is not good, in fact it's bad, its worse than prose, really, it's quite sad."
Feb 14, 2006
RIGHTIES DON'T HOLD IT WITH THEIR LEFT HAND
There has been some backlash over the decreasing frequency with which my posts are being published. That is to say, you guys can't get enough of me. So much like a stalker both loves and hates the subject of their adoration, the anonymous posters on my site are both drawn to me and irritated by my lack of attention shown to them. Now, while I would like to have you guys committed to the nearest mental institute, I'm afraid the best I can do is post more, but if you really do love me, you'll at least lock yourself in a closet or something.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 The two handed wave – The two handed wave should be limited to people trying to hail down the cab driving away with their luggage and those guys with the ear muffs and light sabers who direct planes. This wave is the ultimate in hubris. The only people who have the gall to try and pull this off are President’s, celebrities, and sports stars. It is the body gesture that announces to the world, “I know you love me, in fact, you love me so much, I must raise both my arms just to acknowledge and accept your limitless adoration.” While I can sympathize with the select few who are burdened with the affection ofSo masses, I cannot in good conscience (I’m just using this as an expression, it’s not like I have an actual conscience, well I do, but she’s only part time), forgive this violation of acceptable social gestures. If you want to wave with two hands go to Yankee Stadium and take part in the, aptly named, “Wave”, otherwise, for God’s sake keep one arm down it’s not like you’re getting mugged.
#2 - The Impotent Water Fountain – Never before has drinking required a condom. The lengths one is required to go to in order to swallow some pathetic amount of liquid are so extreme as to constitute a violation of public decency laws. Those disgustingly lovey newly minted couples who seem to think that the lips of their significant other are covered in some sort of life extending lip gloss perform fewer bile inducing acts of PDA (that’s public displays of affection for those of you who haven’t been introduced to the acronym) in a week than you do in 30 seconds of trying to suck the water out of the fountain with low motility. On the bright side, at least you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.
#3 - People who fall asleep at my Super Bowl party – So I threw a Super Bowl party last week and I know what you’re thinking, “I wasn’t invited?” So let me just say this and nip any problems in the bud, No, you weren’t invited. But more to the point those that did show up were soon divesting themselves of the constricting coil of consciousness, choosing to watch the interior of the eyelids over the game. Not to wax Shakespearian, but the question I pose to you is this, as a party thrower, am I supposed to be scheduling nap time? Is there a guidebook I can pick up somewhere entitled “What to do When 6 of the 97 Million People Watching the Super Bowl Fall Asleep and They Are All at Your Party?” Or should I just send their parents a bill for babysitting?
#4 - Valentine’s Day – While I will have an expanded Top 10 Reasons I Hate Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I would like to give a brief summary of why Valentine’s Day blows like a pro bono hooker (if you don’t know what pro bono means, then well, you’re an idiot). The way I see it Valentine’s Day sucks whether you have a date or not. For those who do not, you are forced to spend an entire weekend contemplating exactly why it is you are dateless and convince yourself, this fact aside, that you are not a social leper. If, however, you do have a date, then you are now faced with an equally distasteful reality. You are one of the people whose mere existence makes me want to puke so badly I eat extra meals in advance of thinking about you, just to make sure the explosive discharge that will soon follow suits the antipathy I hold you in. like I said, lose lose.
#5 - Catty Girls (at least when it doesn’t end up in some sort of disrobed wrestling situation) – It has recently been pointed out to me that there are girls out there who find the very concept of another girl being, and I believe this is the technical term, hot or even worse, well dressed, so intimidating that instinct takes over any and all higher brain functions. The result is that this herd of sweatpants wearing, makeup needing, misanthropes is left trying to convert what few holdouts are left, like traveling Je hova’s Witnesses, only you know, in sweatpants. I just want to ask you this, why are you trying to take away one of the few things left that make me happy? Did I do something to you? Have I been mean to fat unattractive girls in sweatpants recently?
Droppin Some Knowledge
When peeing in a moving vehicle one is faced with the dilemma of maintaing balance and maintaing aim. As such, the makers of these mini-lavatories have seen fit to provide a handle on the right hand wall with which to maintain said balance. While it may appear logical to grip said handle with your right hand and grip, well, something else with the left, in actuality, the percentage of stream shot into the clown's mouth is far higher when the left-handed cross grip is employed.
Who I Like Today and I Don't Mean Stalkers
Sports Illustrated - Thank you SI for understanding that women on beaches in very small swimsuits has alot to do with sports. Also, I love the articles. . . they have articles right?
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 The two handed wave – The two handed wave should be limited to people trying to hail down the cab driving away with their luggage and those guys with the ear muffs and light sabers who direct planes. This wave is the ultimate in hubris. The only people who have the gall to try and pull this off are President’s, celebrities, and sports stars. It is the body gesture that announces to the world, “I know you love me, in fact, you love me so much, I must raise both my arms just to acknowledge and accept your limitless adoration.” While I can sympathize with the select few who are burdened with the affection ofSo masses, I cannot in good conscience (I’m just using this as an expression, it’s not like I have an actual conscience, well I do, but she’s only part time), forgive this violation of acceptable social gestures. If you want to wave with two hands go to Yankee Stadium and take part in the, aptly named, “Wave”, otherwise, for God’s sake keep one arm down it’s not like you’re getting mugged.
#2 - The Impotent Water Fountain – Never before has drinking required a condom. The lengths one is required to go to in order to swallow some pathetic amount of liquid are so extreme as to constitute a violation of public decency laws. Those disgustingly lovey newly minted couples who seem to think that the lips of their significant other are covered in some sort of life extending lip gloss perform fewer bile inducing acts of PDA (that’s public displays of affection for those of you who haven’t been introduced to the acronym) in a week than you do in 30 seconds of trying to suck the water out of the fountain with low motility. On the bright side, at least you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant.
#3 - People who fall asleep at my Super Bowl party – So I threw a Super Bowl party last week and I know what you’re thinking, “I wasn’t invited?” So let me just say this and nip any problems in the bud, No, you weren’t invited. But more to the point those that did show up were soon divesting themselves of the constricting coil of consciousness, choosing to watch the interior of the eyelids over the game. Not to wax Shakespearian, but the question I pose to you is this, as a party thrower, am I supposed to be scheduling nap time? Is there a guidebook I can pick up somewhere entitled “What to do When 6 of the 97 Million People Watching the Super Bowl Fall Asleep and They Are All at Your Party?” Or should I just send their parents a bill for babysitting?
#4 - Valentine’s Day – While I will have an expanded Top 10 Reasons I Hate Valentine’s Day tomorrow, I would like to give a brief summary of why Valentine’s Day blows like a pro bono hooker (if you don’t know what pro bono means, then well, you’re an idiot). The way I see it Valentine’s Day sucks whether you have a date or not. For those who do not, you are forced to spend an entire weekend contemplating exactly why it is you are dateless and convince yourself, this fact aside, that you are not a social leper. If, however, you do have a date, then you are now faced with an equally distasteful reality. You are one of the people whose mere existence makes me want to puke so badly I eat extra meals in advance of thinking about you, just to make sure the explosive discharge that will soon follow suits the antipathy I hold you in. like I said, lose lose.
#5 - Catty Girls (at least when it doesn’t end up in some sort of disrobed wrestling situation) – It has recently been pointed out to me that there are girls out there who find the very concept of another girl being, and I believe this is the technical term, hot or even worse, well dressed, so intimidating that instinct takes over any and all higher brain functions. The result is that this herd of sweatpants wearing, makeup needing, misanthropes is left trying to convert what few holdouts are left, like traveling Je hova’s Witnesses, only you know, in sweatpants. I just want to ask you this, why are you trying to take away one of the few things left that make me happy? Did I do something to you? Have I been mean to fat unattractive girls in sweatpants recently?
Droppin Some Knowledge
When peeing in a moving vehicle one is faced with the dilemma of maintaing balance and maintaing aim. As such, the makers of these mini-lavatories have seen fit to provide a handle on the right hand wall with which to maintain said balance. While it may appear logical to grip said handle with your right hand and grip, well, something else with the left, in actuality, the percentage of stream shot into the clown's mouth is far higher when the left-handed cross grip is employed.
Who I Like Today and I Don't Mean Stalkers
Sports Illustrated - Thank you SI for understanding that women on beaches in very small swimsuits has alot to do with sports. Also, I love the articles. . . they have articles right?
I HAVE THE POWER
Lost my power cord, but now I have it back, posts aplenty as soon as class is over. Time to get psyched.
Feb 1, 2006
RETURN OF THE KING
Ok, so I lied to you, but I think it's important to keep in mind it's not like those lies your parents told you, like you're special or attractive, leading you to spend your life in a constant state of disappointment, never getting what you think you deserve (but actually don't). In fact thanks to me there are people walking around knowing exactly how non-special and unattractive they are. So keep that in mind before keep you harping on about me not posting when I said I would. Also as a sidenote, I was born lazy, it's not like I can do anything about it. Now onto the show.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – Old people who start conversations with strangers - Much like baby stories are the worst to repeatedly hear, the old people who start up conversations with you are the worst of the random conversation starters. While Taxi drivers and people in elevators will generally limit their random conversations to the weather and the best type of car air freshener, old people will actually ask you annoying personal questions and expect a thoughful and considered answer. Even worse, you can't be sarcastic to old people, for starters, so many of their brain cells have passed on that they don't even notice the corn sticking to their face, let alone conversational subtleties. More importantly if by some miracle they managed to conserve a small measure of awareness into their dottery and catch the gist of your biting sarcasm, there is overwhelming chance that they could die in the immediate future. So there you go, you just made fun of a dead guy, you are now almost obligated to go to thE funeral, and THAT'S really just going to ruin your day. . . those things last for FOREVER!
#2 – People who don’t know when to give up a lie - I personally have never told a lie (please ignore above admission to said lie). However, from what I've observed of this admirable, I mean disgusting, habit in others, the general lying concept can be summarized in the immortal words of Kenny Rogers "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." The key to maintaining the long term viability of your future lies is to never become so tied to your lie that you can't admit, even when faced with incontrovertible evidence, that you're full of crap. The overly dedicated or stubborn liars think that holding this untennable position somehow makes their lie more belivable, e.g. "Wasn't Me" Shaggy, what happens in reality is that you are now doing two things, lying, and insulting the intelligence of your listener. So in short, once you've been caugh. . . be honest, oh and play poker with me, please.
#3 – Being outside the 18-24 marketing range - I would like to preface this by pointing out that I am 25 and very athletic, well I watch alot of athletics, but, sometimes before watching television I walk over to the TV itself to turn it on, so clearly, I'm in good shape. Anyway, not too long ago I took a survey, and at the end of this waste of time there was a question asking how old the survey taker was, and this being a survey, it provided a choice of age ranges, it looked something like this:
10 - 17
18 - 24
25 - 40
40 - dead
According this insulting ageist propoganda my interests lie more with Allan Greenspan than Allan Iverson, HMO's over MTV and Julia Childs over Julia Roberts (and she's OLD!). Even worse, according to this survey, I'm one step away from death, DEATH! Another scare like that and I may just need "Depends."
#4 – Hard workers - As someone who can see his mortal end just over the proverbial horizon, I have decided to spend what little time I have left on this Earth as constructively as I can, by watching TV and and napping. Unfortunately, there are those among us who despite the risks to their health and overall TV knowledge have chosen to depart from this health conscious course, take their lives into their hands, and do actual work. WORK! It's bad enough that these devil may care, risk takers blantantly flout sound medical advice and flaunt their stupidity in public, but now teachers and employers expect the rest of us sane people to go around taking these crazy health risks; giving out HW and not providing naptime in addition to a lunch break. Do the hard workers even know about "24?"
#5 – People who work out - It has been pointed out to me that if I am going to complain about guys who spend 80% of their lives in the gym, I am not supposed to enjoy women who do the same. As such I am now putting an official moratorium on anyone making gym appearances more than twice a week. So to all the meatheads with marbles for testicles, all the gym bunnies with abs that more closely resemble a togographical map than a stomach and the fatties who think running on a treadmill 6 days a week will compensate for swallowing small animals in a single bite, if you feel the need to turn your body into an advertisement for "Health and Fitness Magazine" for God's sake, just eat less!
Pandering to Perverts
Marble sized testicles
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Matt Hassleback
The Pittsburgh Steelers - money, money, money, mooooney. . . moooooooney. Betting's legal right?
The Reason Is Because
I know i havent posted in quite a while, but honestly, I'm watching 24, and nothing anyone said pops up as stupid at the moment. Sorry.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 – Old people who start conversations with strangers - Much like baby stories are the worst to repeatedly hear, the old people who start up conversations with you are the worst of the random conversation starters. While Taxi drivers and people in elevators will generally limit their random conversations to the weather and the best type of car air freshener, old people will actually ask you annoying personal questions and expect a thoughful and considered answer. Even worse, you can't be sarcastic to old people, for starters, so many of their brain cells have passed on that they don't even notice the corn sticking to their face, let alone conversational subtleties. More importantly if by some miracle they managed to conserve a small measure of awareness into their dottery and catch the gist of your biting sarcasm, there is overwhelming chance that they could die in the immediate future. So there you go, you just made fun of a dead guy, you are now almost obligated to go to thE funeral, and THAT'S really just going to ruin your day. . . those things last for FOREVER!
#2 – People who don’t know when to give up a lie - I personally have never told a lie (please ignore above admission to said lie). However, from what I've observed of this admirable, I mean disgusting, habit in others, the general lying concept can be summarized in the immortal words of Kenny Rogers "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em." The key to maintaining the long term viability of your future lies is to never become so tied to your lie that you can't admit, even when faced with incontrovertible evidence, that you're full of crap. The overly dedicated or stubborn liars think that holding this untennable position somehow makes their lie more belivable, e.g. "Wasn't Me" Shaggy, what happens in reality is that you are now doing two things, lying, and insulting the intelligence of your listener. So in short, once you've been caugh. . . be honest, oh and play poker with me, please.
#3 – Being outside the 18-24 marketing range - I would like to preface this by pointing out that I am 25 and very athletic, well I watch alot of athletics, but, sometimes before watching television I walk over to the TV itself to turn it on, so clearly, I'm in good shape. Anyway, not too long ago I took a survey, and at the end of this waste of time there was a question asking how old the survey taker was, and this being a survey, it provided a choice of age ranges, it looked something like this:
10 - 17
18 - 24
25 - 40
40 - dead
According this insulting ageist propoganda my interests lie more with Allan Greenspan than Allan Iverson, HMO's over MTV and Julia Childs over Julia Roberts (and she's OLD!). Even worse, according to this survey, I'm one step away from death, DEATH! Another scare like that and I may just need "Depends."
#4 – Hard workers - As someone who can see his mortal end just over the proverbial horizon, I have decided to spend what little time I have left on this Earth as constructively as I can, by watching TV and and napping. Unfortunately, there are those among us who despite the risks to their health and overall TV knowledge have chosen to depart from this health conscious course, take their lives into their hands, and do actual work. WORK! It's bad enough that these devil may care, risk takers blantantly flout sound medical advice and flaunt their stupidity in public, but now teachers and employers expect the rest of us sane people to go around taking these crazy health risks; giving out HW and not providing naptime in addition to a lunch break. Do the hard workers even know about "24?"
#5 – People who work out - It has been pointed out to me that if I am going to complain about guys who spend 80% of their lives in the gym, I am not supposed to enjoy women who do the same. As such I am now putting an official moratorium on anyone making gym appearances more than twice a week. So to all the meatheads with marbles for testicles, all the gym bunnies with abs that more closely resemble a togographical map than a stomach and the fatties who think running on a treadmill 6 days a week will compensate for swallowing small animals in a single bite, if you feel the need to turn your body into an advertisement for "Health and Fitness Magazine" for God's sake, just eat less!
Pandering to Perverts
Marble sized testicles
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean Matt Hassleback
The Pittsburgh Steelers - money, money, money, mooooney. . . moooooooney. Betting's legal right?
The Reason Is Because
I know i havent posted in quite a while, but honestly, I'm watching 24, and nothing anyone said pops up as stupid at the moment. Sorry.
Jan 29, 2006
SHAME AND THE SINGLE GUY
This post is kind of long so, here it is:
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Getting an embarrassingly girly song stuck in your head – You know it’s happened to you before, you’re in CVS trying to decide between chunky monkey, and cinnamon and oatmeal chunk ice cream when before you know it bam, you’re singing along to Britney Spears, the words pouring out of your mouth like a P.O.W. trying to avoid a cavity search. You try to hide it after, pretend you didn’t just spill state secrets to protect your sphincter, but the fact remains you just said the words, “but all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, stay with you day and night, baby all I need is time.” and an entire store full of people heard it.
#2 - The word February – Feb-RU-ary? – What the hell is up with that first “r” it’s not like it serves any purpose, there isn’t a person alive who pronounces it. I’m convinced it’s just one of those inventions made up for those anal retentive, compulsively judgmental, speech obsessed, ninnies who enjoy pointing out other people’s flaws for no reason other than it gives them pleasure to see the look in said people’s faces when they realize that they are, in fact, morons. Hmmm, on second thought, never mind.
#3 - Peeing in moving vehicles – This one goes out to the guys who’ve ridden on busses or planes and been forced to balance in the bathroom with one hand while they aim with the other, trying desperately to keep the umm “spray,” dead center. It’s like that amusement park dollar game where you have to shoot the water into the clown’s mouth, only when you’re doing that you aren’t riding a rollercoaster.
#4 - Ear Buds – Exactly what is the philosophy behind the ear buds? Were they supposed to be gravity resistant? Is that why no one seems to have taken into account the fact that unless your aural cavity is the size of one of Patrick Ewing’s nostrils (http://members.aol.com/woopanice/EWING.HTM) or you’re one of those people who carry 10 liter jugs around on your head (http://www.ifad.org/photo/region/PI/IN.htm#), you’ll spend approximately 85% of your music listening time trying to find the lone head angle that will allow you to keep both those nefarious Q-tip wannabee’s in your ear? And then, of course, when you do find it, your phone rings.
#5 - People who tell baby stories over and over again – There are people who tell the same stories over and over and then there are people who tell you the same baby stories over and over, the difference? At least with the random story there is some small chance, however improbable the possibility, that you will find it interesting. On the other hand with the oft repeated baby story we have entered the realm of the improbable impossibility. No one, and by “no one” I mean everyone but baby obsessed women, has any interest in what your child, niece or nephew has done, it isn’t cute, it isn’t special, it’s just annoying and the reason is simple, nobody really cares about your baby.
Author’s Note: To those people I know who have babies…hmmm there really is no way to save this one is there?
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean My Mother
God. I'd like to give a shoutout to the man upstairs for creating sleep. In short, sleeps rocks like Sean Connery on Red Rull. And (for all would be you grammarians out there, you can start a sentence with "and"), in a show of respect for this blessing onto man, I gorged myself on sleep this weekend, I slept until I could sleep no more... and then I napped.
Question Of The Day
Why do mothers refer to boxers as underpants?
Question Within a Question Of The Day
Is "underpants" still even a word in usage, or has it gone the way of skivvies remaining the property of pirates and and women who wish nothing but shame on their children?
The Reason Is Because
"It was a one day sale, maam, Friday and Saturday only." - Bloomingdale's sales woman
Well at least we're not wasting America's great minds working retail at Bloomindales.
Top 5 Things That Bother Me Today
#1 - Getting an embarrassingly girly song stuck in your head – You know it’s happened to you before, you’re in CVS trying to decide between chunky monkey, and cinnamon and oatmeal chunk ice cream when before you know it bam, you’re singing along to Britney Spears, the words pouring out of your mouth like a P.O.W. trying to avoid a cavity search. You try to hide it after, pretend you didn’t just spill state secrets to protect your sphincter, but the fact remains you just said the words, “but all I really want is to hold you tight, treat you right, stay with you day and night, baby all I need is time.” and an entire store full of people heard it.
#2 - The word February – Feb-RU-ary? – What the hell is up with that first “r” it’s not like it serves any purpose, there isn’t a person alive who pronounces it. I’m convinced it’s just one of those inventions made up for those anal retentive, compulsively judgmental, speech obsessed, ninnies who enjoy pointing out other people’s flaws for no reason other than it gives them pleasure to see the look in said people’s faces when they realize that they are, in fact, morons. Hmmm, on second thought, never mind.
#3 - Peeing in moving vehicles – This one goes out to the guys who’ve ridden on busses or planes and been forced to balance in the bathroom with one hand while they aim with the other, trying desperately to keep the umm “spray,” dead center. It’s like that amusement park dollar game where you have to shoot the water into the clown’s mouth, only when you’re doing that you aren’t riding a rollercoaster.
#4 - Ear Buds – Exactly what is the philosophy behind the ear buds? Were they supposed to be gravity resistant? Is that why no one seems to have taken into account the fact that unless your aural cavity is the size of one of Patrick Ewing’s nostrils (http://members.aol.com/woopanice/EWING.HTM) or you’re one of those people who carry 10 liter jugs around on your head (http://www.ifad.org/photo/region/PI/IN.htm#), you’ll spend approximately 85% of your music listening time trying to find the lone head angle that will allow you to keep both those nefarious Q-tip wannabee’s in your ear? And then, of course, when you do find it, your phone rings.
#5 - People who tell baby stories over and over again – There are people who tell the same stories over and over and then there are people who tell you the same baby stories over and over, the difference? At least with the random story there is some small chance, however improbable the possibility, that you will find it interesting. On the other hand with the oft repeated baby story we have entered the realm of the improbable impossibility. No one, and by “no one” I mean everyone but baby obsessed women, has any interest in what your child, niece or nephew has done, it isn’t cute, it isn’t special, it’s just annoying and the reason is simple, nobody really cares about your baby.
Author’s Note: To those people I know who have babies…hmmm there really is no way to save this one is there?
Who I Like Today And I Don't Mean My Mother
God. I'd like to give a shoutout to the man upstairs for creating sleep. In short, sleeps rocks like Sean Connery on Red Rull. And (for all would be you grammarians out there, you can start a sentence with "and"), in a show of respect for this blessing onto man, I gorged myself on sleep this weekend, I slept until I could sleep no more... and then I napped.
Question Of The Day
Why do mothers refer to boxers as underpants?
Question Within a Question Of The Day
Is "underpants" still even a word in usage, or has it gone the way of skivvies remaining the property of pirates and and women who wish nothing but shame on their children?
The Reason Is Because
"It was a one day sale, maam, Friday and Saturday only." - Bloomingdale's sales woman
Well at least we're not wasting America's great minds working retail at Bloomindales.
Jan 25, 2006
I'M BAAAAAAACK
The wait is over my friends. After 2 hearings, a certification paper memo, two papers, a return trip to the Chinese restaurant to pick up my forgotten knapsack and a well deserved nap, I have returned to you. I want you all to know that wasting my time being so productive during these past few days has never made me sadder and I am glad to report that I plan on doing no constructive work in the near future. With that said, onto my raison de etre, for those of you not versed in the language of intellectual snobs, that’s, “reason for being.” (one side note, it’s also an awesome beer).
Top 5 Things That Bothered Me This Week
#1 - Alarms – You know why I hate alarms, because they never signify anything good. Never. Think about it, have you ever set an alarm to remind you to take a nap? No. To go home from work? Don’t think so. The only reason people set alarms is to remind them to do things that they reeeeally don’t want to do. It’s like a conscience reminding you it’s not nice to make fun of the tongue size of the mentally challenged. You kind of knew it was wrong but until you got that left brain hip check from your better angels you were busy trying to think of what words rhyme with drool.
#2 - Getting ripped off by Jay Mohr – It’s one thing to have minor comic celebrity (he was in “Jerry Maguire” and umm, well he was in “Jerry Maguire”) rip off your material, but it’s a whole other thing when he steals my jokes and makes them less funny. Really this man is supposed to be a professional, least he could have done was call me for advice. To compare the two works follow these links:
http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2005/12/im-not-racist-but.html - numbers 1 and 5 respectively
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/jay_mohr/01/24/mohr.sports/index.html
#3 - People who answer token questions – Someone please update these people, just because I say “Hey, how are you?” When we get stuck together in an elevator after not seeing or speaking to you in 4 and a half months, doesn’t mean I have any interest in an actual answer. It is not an invitation for you to tell me just how sad and pathetic your life has become, will be, or continues to be. So I am going to say this once in the hopes that the rules can spread before I have to be in an elevator again. Here, for the record, are the acceptable answers to the token, “Hey. How are you?”
a) Good, yourself?
b) No complaints
c) Same old
d) You really don’t have to talk to me just because we got stuck in an elevator together, if you want we can just be quiet and stare at the floor counter until we get out.
I’ll personally be rooting for (d), but I’ll settle for any of the above.
#4- Girls who ask guys if they think another guy is cute – Let me put this is as simply as I can because I know your what a struggle it is for you to comprehend that there are people on this world who don’t want to discuss how just hot the guy from Securities Regulation class is. We know men can be good looking, (try not to pass out from the shock of this admission) but you know what? We’re still not going to answer, you know why. BECAUSE IT’S GAY! Also I hate to be the bearer of bad news (wow, was that a load of crap or what?) but if you’re a reasonably attractive girl asking this question, the answer will always be “no,” the reason being, all guys, everywhere, want all attractive girls for themselves. It’s an impossible task but we’re nothing if not ambitious.
#5 - People who say something too stupid insult – Sometimes, you hear something so singularly random and odd that what appears to be a perfect opportunity to humiliate actually becomes an instance of personal and professional pain. “My boyfriend has no sense of smell, but he eats tons.” I heard these words at lunch today and my brain literally overloaded. It’s like one of those science fiction movies where the good guys give the evil robot a math problem that has 1 + 1 = 0 and the robot starts smoking and muttering “does not compute” over and over until the building starts to collapse and the heroes run out right before the big explosion, only there were no robots, no explosions, and no math problems, just me muttering "does not compute," and a fat guy who can’t smell his own farts.
Pandering to Perverts
Girls in mens clothing – I’m going for the indecisive pervert audience today
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean My Clients
Whoever can answer this question for me – From which set of genitalia does a hermaphrodite pee? I will accept guess and logical arguments
The Reason Is Because
“We are the fattest nation in the country” – Me
It should probably be noted that me talking before my nap is generally inadvisable, but let no man say I am not willing to make fun of myself. As for what women say, well… actually, I think I’ve satisfied my stupid comment quota for the day, so, I care about what women say, really, I do.
Top 5 Things That Bothered Me This Week
#1 - Alarms – You know why I hate alarms, because they never signify anything good. Never. Think about it, have you ever set an alarm to remind you to take a nap? No. To go home from work? Don’t think so. The only reason people set alarms is to remind them to do things that they reeeeally don’t want to do. It’s like a conscience reminding you it’s not nice to make fun of the tongue size of the mentally challenged. You kind of knew it was wrong but until you got that left brain hip check from your better angels you were busy trying to think of what words rhyme with drool.
#2 - Getting ripped off by Jay Mohr – It’s one thing to have minor comic celebrity (he was in “Jerry Maguire” and umm, well he was in “Jerry Maguire”) rip off your material, but it’s a whole other thing when he steals my jokes and makes them less funny. Really this man is supposed to be a professional, least he could have done was call me for advice. To compare the two works follow these links:
http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2005/12/im-not-racist-but.html - numbers 1 and 5 respectively
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/jay_mohr/01/24/mohr.sports/index.html
#3 - People who answer token questions – Someone please update these people, just because I say “Hey, how are you?” When we get stuck together in an elevator after not seeing or speaking to you in 4 and a half months, doesn’t mean I have any interest in an actual answer. It is not an invitation for you to tell me just how sad and pathetic your life has become, will be, or continues to be. So I am going to say this once in the hopes that the rules can spread before I have to be in an elevator again. Here, for the record, are the acceptable answers to the token, “Hey. How are you?”
a) Good, yourself?
b) No complaints
c) Same old
d) You really don’t have to talk to me just because we got stuck in an elevator together, if you want we can just be quiet and stare at the floor counter until we get out.
I’ll personally be rooting for (d), but I’ll settle for any of the above.
#4- Girls who ask guys if they think another guy is cute – Let me put this is as simply as I can because I know your what a struggle it is for you to comprehend that there are people on this world who don’t want to discuss how just hot the guy from Securities Regulation class is. We know men can be good looking, (try not to pass out from the shock of this admission) but you know what? We’re still not going to answer, you know why. BECAUSE IT’S GAY! Also I hate to be the bearer of bad news (wow, was that a load of crap or what?) but if you’re a reasonably attractive girl asking this question, the answer will always be “no,” the reason being, all guys, everywhere, want all attractive girls for themselves. It’s an impossible task but we’re nothing if not ambitious.
#5 - People who say something too stupid insult – Sometimes, you hear something so singularly random and odd that what appears to be a perfect opportunity to humiliate actually becomes an instance of personal and professional pain. “My boyfriend has no sense of smell, but he eats tons.” I heard these words at lunch today and my brain literally overloaded. It’s like one of those science fiction movies where the good guys give the evil robot a math problem that has 1 + 1 = 0 and the robot starts smoking and muttering “does not compute” over and over until the building starts to collapse and the heroes run out right before the big explosion, only there were no robots, no explosions, and no math problems, just me muttering "does not compute," and a fat guy who can’t smell his own farts.
Pandering to Perverts
Girls in mens clothing – I’m going for the indecisive pervert audience today
Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean My Clients
Whoever can answer this question for me – From which set of genitalia does a hermaphrodite pee? I will accept guess and logical arguments
The Reason Is Because
“We are the fattest nation in the country” – Me
It should probably be noted that me talking before my nap is generally inadvisable, but let no man say I am not willing to make fun of myself. As for what women say, well… actually, I think I’ve satisfied my stupid comment quota for the day, so, I care about what women say, really, I do.
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