I'M BAAAAAAACK

The wait is over my friends. After 2 hearings, a certification paper memo, two papers, a return trip to the Chinese restaurant to pick up my forgotten knapsack and a well deserved nap, I have returned to you. I want you all to know that wasting my time being so productive during these past few days has never made me sadder and I am glad to report that I plan on doing no constructive work in the near future. With that said, onto my raison de etre, for those of you not versed in the language of intellectual snobs, that’s, “reason for being.” (one side note, it’s also an awesome beer).

Top 5 Things That Bothered Me This Week

#1 - Alarms – You know why I hate alarms, because they never signify anything good. Never. Think about it, have you ever set an alarm to remind you to take a nap? No. To go home from work? Don’t think so. The only reason people set alarms is to remind them to do things that they reeeeally don’t want to do. It’s like a conscience reminding you it’s not nice to make fun of the tongue size of the mentally challenged. You kind of knew it was wrong but until you got that left brain hip check from your better angels you were busy trying to think of what words rhyme with drool.

#2 - Getting ripped off by Jay Mohr – It’s one thing to have minor comic celebrity (he was in “Jerry Maguire” and umm, well he was in “Jerry Maguire”) rip off your material, but it’s a whole other thing when he steals my jokes and makes them less funny. Really this man is supposed to be a professional, least he could have done was call me for advice. To compare the two works follow these links:
http://youknowwhatbothersme.blogspot.com/2005/12/im-not-racist-but.html - numbers 1 and 5 respectively
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/writers/jay_mohr/01/24/mohr.sports/index.html

#3 - People who answer token questions – Someone please update these people, just because I say “Hey, how are you?” When we get stuck together in an elevator after not seeing or speaking to you in 4 and a half months, doesn’t mean I have any interest in an actual answer. It is not an invitation for you to tell me just how sad and pathetic your life has become, will be, or continues to be. So I am going to say this once in the hopes that the rules can spread before I have to be in an elevator again. Here, for the record, are the acceptable answers to the token, “Hey. How are you?”
a) Good, yourself?
b) No complaints
c) Same old
d) You really don’t have to talk to me just because we got stuck in an elevator together, if you want we can just be quiet and stare at the floor counter until we get out.
I’ll personally be rooting for (d), but I’ll settle for any of the above.

#4- Girls who ask guys if they think another guy is cute – Let me put this is as simply as I can because I know your what a struggle it is for you to comprehend that there are people on this world who don’t want to discuss how just hot the guy from Securities Regulation class is. We know men can be good looking, (try not to pass out from the shock of this admission) but you know what? We’re still not going to answer, you know why. BECAUSE IT’S GAY! Also I hate to be the bearer of bad news (wow, was that a load of crap or what?) but if you’re a reasonably attractive girl asking this question, the answer will always be “no,” the reason being, all guys, everywhere, want all attractive girls for themselves. It’s an impossible task but we’re nothing if not ambitious.

#5 - People who say something too stupid insult – Sometimes, you hear something so singularly random and odd that what appears to be a perfect opportunity to humiliate actually becomes an instance of personal and professional pain. “My boyfriend has no sense of smell, but he eats tons.” I heard these words at lunch today and my brain literally overloaded. It’s like one of those science fiction movies where the good guys give the evil robot a math problem that has 1 + 1 = 0 and the robot starts smoking and muttering “does not compute” over and over until the building starts to collapse and the heroes run out right before the big explosion, only there were no robots, no explosions, and no math problems, just me muttering "does not compute," and a fat guy who can’t smell his own farts.

Pandering to Perverts
Girls in mens clothing – I’m going for the indecisive pervert audience today

Who I Like Today And I Don’t Mean My Clients
Whoever can answer this question for me – From which set of genitalia does a hermaphrodite pee? I will accept guess and logical arguments

The Reason Is Because
“We are the fattest nation in the country” – Me
It should probably be noted that me talking before my nap is generally inadvisable, but let no man say I am not willing to make fun of myself. As for what women say, well… actually, I think I’ve satisfied my stupid comment quota for the day, so, I care about what women say, really, I do.