As some of you may have deduced (deducted for those who conversate) I am, by nature, rather competitive. To clarify, I don't mean competitive in the 'I need to prove I'm better than you' sense, thankfully that is blatantly obvious. What I do mean, however, is that I like to win. I really, really, really like to win. I like to win the way midgets like amusement parks without those 'you must be this tall to ride' signs, or the way this girl in my office likes to think orange is the color of a natural suntan. So I have to say, I'm puzzled by my not caring that my current dodgeball team is out to a scorching 1-11 start. For those of you out there who can't read won-loss records that would be one win and eleven losses. To put that into perspective, there are 10 teams in our league, after last nights 0-4 we are currently in approximately 293rd place.
Now to be fair, none of this is particularly surprising. Most of my team members have never played organized dodgeball before and, contrary to popular belief, dodgeball is actually among the most complex sports known to man. Success at dodgeball requires the skill of a hunter, the courage of a foot soldier, the quickness of a premature ejaculator and high grade anabolic steroids. In fact, Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' was originally titled, 'I Can't Believe How Difficult Dodgeball is Maybe I SHould Just Focus on This War Junk, It Seems Easy' (apparently the same people who write out the directions on your chop sticks packet did the capitalization on the title), while Machievelli's 'The Prince' was actually originally titled 'Having A Cool Sounding Last Name Will Increase Book Sales By 64%' (not everything is about dodgeball you know). Anyway, my point is we suck like a gay vaccum cleaner; we are the kind of terrible that inspired the Special Olympics and maybe even the pejorative connotation of the word 'special'. We lack hunters, soldiers, premature ejaculators (don't ask me how I know), the steroids I bought for us taste suspiciously like Fruit Snacks and I'm still not quite sure how the scoring system works. What I'm trying to say is, I don't foresee us winning too many more games, but it's dodgeball, so I guess it doesn't count.
Oct 6, 2009
WE'RE JUST TOO DAMN GOOD TOGETHER!
It seems we can't quite stay broken up, you and I. I'll admit there were times I thought this would never happen again; that my days of venting my bile upon you while demonstrating proper semicolon use were over forever. Yet, my Richard Burton (Google it), here we are again. It would seem some things (me, my blog, Sean Connery, that scene from 'Wild Things' where Denise Richards and Neve Campbell make out, Polish jokes, child labor, unequal pay in the workplace in particular and misogyny in general, Drake's cakes, Thundercats, that youtube video of the baby water buffalo escaping from both an alligator AND a lion SIMULTANEOUSLY, spelling 'dialog', 'dialogue' [it's just better that way] and the word 'Codswallop') are just too good to let fade into oblivion. So get out your prophylactic of choice 'cuz were about to get it on!
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT HAVE BOTHERED ME SINCE LAST WE MET
#5 - People who walk at your identical pace - If I'm walking along the street and you, stranger whom I have no reason to think isn't a serial killer, decide to step out of your car or local Kaballah center and step onto my street, walking at my pace, your shoulder to my shoulder shoulder, well then don't complain if you accidentally trip. Little known fact: Hookers, aka 'street walkers' were originally a kind of hall monitor for the streets, making sure no two strangers were forced to walk abreast of each other in uncomfortable silence, but, as man evolved and social contracts formed, these noble protectors of our sidewalks found themselves without work or purpose and, in their unflagging, if misplaced, desire to continue guiding us along life's major thoroughfares, they became the sherpas of the backseat, back alley and backd-- well, you know.
#4 - People who push the button for the elevator after it's already been pressed - What's your thought process here? I just want to understand where you're coming from is all. You see me standing at the elevator bank, briefcase in hand, repeatedly checking my watch and you think I'm just hanging out? Or do you realize that I'm waiting for the elevator, but think I'm too stupid to figure out how to push the button to get an elevator to come. Hmm? Which is it douchebag!? You think I'm an idiot? I should rip your arm off at the elbow and beat your skull in with your own ulna for insulting me like that; just consider yourself lucky that we're on the ground floor or I'd pry open the elevator door and throw you down the shaft. On a related note I may have been skipping my anger management classes.
#3 - People who microwave fish and cheese at work - I don't know why old people can't seem to smell the noxious odors their lunches emit, maybe their loss of the sense is some evolutionary defense mechanism you know, because old people are closer to death and thus partially decomposed and dead bodies stink. More problematic you can't remind them how bad it used to smell back in the days when they were young and old people would microwave fish and cheese cuz they didn't have microwaves back then. On the bright side, they have fragile hip bones...
#2 - Starting a list at #5 before realizing you don't have five things to talk about - Not that that would apply to me or anything. I'm just saying, in theory, that would be really annoying and kind of embarrassing. It'd be like asking that doctor for Levitra all over again, I mean, in theory. Wait, it's for my friend! No?
#1 - Not really having an steady opinion on healthcare reform - Look, I mean I'm torn. Sure it'd be nice for everyone to be able to see a doctor, and yes it'd be comforting to know that should my bosses ever find out that I haven't done any actual work since Thursday... January 29, 2009 (you checked it didn't you, feel stupid now dontcha?) and somehow think that were a fireable offense I would still be able to see a doctor who could renew my prescription for Lev-- umm allergy medication, but then again, sometimes we're better off putting great grampa on an ice floe and pushing him out to sea, you know? I mean do you think great gamps is gonna let you get away with that if he knows theres a bed waiting for him in a hospital? Heck no, especially not if you plan of driving all the way to Canada, he'll escape long before then... trust me. You should totally fly next time...
TOP FIVE THINGS THAT HAVE BOTHERED ME SINCE LAST WE MET
#5 - People who walk at your identical pace - If I'm walking along the street and you, stranger whom I have no reason to think isn't a serial killer, decide to step out of your car or local Kaballah center and step onto my street, walking at my pace, your shoulder to my shoulder shoulder, well then don't complain if you accidentally trip. Little known fact: Hookers, aka 'street walkers' were originally a kind of hall monitor for the streets, making sure no two strangers were forced to walk abreast of each other in uncomfortable silence, but, as man evolved and social contracts formed, these noble protectors of our sidewalks found themselves without work or purpose and, in their unflagging, if misplaced, desire to continue guiding us along life's major thoroughfares, they became the sherpas of the backseat, back alley and backd-- well, you know.
#4 - People who push the button for the elevator after it's already been pressed - What's your thought process here? I just want to understand where you're coming from is all. You see me standing at the elevator bank, briefcase in hand, repeatedly checking my watch and you think I'm just hanging out? Or do you realize that I'm waiting for the elevator, but think I'm too stupid to figure out how to push the button to get an elevator to come. Hmm? Which is it douchebag!? You think I'm an idiot? I should rip your arm off at the elbow and beat your skull in with your own ulna for insulting me like that; just consider yourself lucky that we're on the ground floor or I'd pry open the elevator door and throw you down the shaft. On a related note I may have been skipping my anger management classes.
#3 - People who microwave fish and cheese at work - I don't know why old people can't seem to smell the noxious odors their lunches emit, maybe their loss of the sense is some evolutionary defense mechanism you know, because old people are closer to death and thus partially decomposed and dead bodies stink. More problematic you can't remind them how bad it used to smell back in the days when they were young and old people would microwave fish and cheese cuz they didn't have microwaves back then. On the bright side, they have fragile hip bones...
#2 - Starting a list at #5 before realizing you don't have five things to talk about - Not that that would apply to me or anything. I'm just saying, in theory, that would be really annoying and kind of embarrassing. It'd be like asking that doctor for Levitra all over again, I mean, in theory. Wait, it's for my friend! No?
#1 - Not really having an steady opinion on healthcare reform - Look, I mean I'm torn. Sure it'd be nice for everyone to be able to see a doctor, and yes it'd be comforting to know that should my bosses ever find out that I haven't done any actual work since Thursday... January 29, 2009 (you checked it didn't you, feel stupid now dontcha?) and somehow think that were a fireable offense I would still be able to see a doctor who could renew my prescription for Lev-- umm allergy medication, but then again, sometimes we're better off putting great grampa on an ice floe and pushing him out to sea, you know? I mean do you think great gamps is gonna let you get away with that if he knows theres a bed waiting for him in a hospital? Heck no, especially not if you plan of driving all the way to Canada, he'll escape long before then... trust me. You should totally fly next time...
Sep 22, 2009
Testing... Testing
THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF MEN’S PUBLIC RESTROOMS
#10 – Never take the middle urinal. This applies to bathrooms with the standard three stall setup. In such cases one must tae either the first or third urinal, leaving a one urinal barrier in case of company.
#10 – Never take the middle urinal. This applies to bathrooms with the standard three stall setup. In such cases one must tae either the first or third urinal, leaving a one urinal barrier in case of company.
#9 – If at all possible, do not use the first urinal. Generally, they are adjacent to the sink and lack the dividing partition on the right testicle side. The price of good hygiene should not be having to watch you pee.
#8 – Don’t pee into the water. A proper urinal, or even a public toilet will have a porcelain wall for you to pee against silently. Eschewing the use of this wall and peeing loudly into the shallow puddle of water at the bottom of the bowl is offensive and wrong. I don’t care how proud you are of your prostate health.
#7 – Do not start conversations with your urinal-mates. Just because you’re comfortable talking to others with your junk in your hand doesn’t mean everyone else is (though it probably means you at least have a shot at being successful in porn). Additionally, the odds of a misunderstanding or faux pas is greatly increased in said setting with people’s respective junk in their respective hands. That being said, if, however, you came into the bathroom with a friend and were already conversing, it is permissible to continue this conversation. One must nevertheless case and desist if said friend does not reply once the junk comes out.
#6 – Lift the seat. It’s an oldie but a goodie. Nothing contributes to that public men’s room aroma like urine aging on plastic.
#5 – The movie theater exception. If, post movie, you find yourself in a crowded bathroom and, for expediency’s sake, make use of a stall rather than a urinal, one can abstain from lifting the seat. The reasons for this are two fold 1) Those seats have more bacteria on them than an Iranian lab full of cultures, and 2) Only a moron would sit on one of those seats and its ok to pee on morons.
#4 – Flush. No it’s not cool to be environmentally conscious in a men’s room. When you are in a men’s room, it is the only environment on earth. Stepping through that door is like entering a breach in the time space continuum (Note: If you think this analogy is sci-fientifically inaccurate, well, enjoy your virginity). So please, make use of the mercy, pre-pee and safety flushes.
#3 – Do not primp. The mirror in a public bathroom is vestigial. It is nearly useless remnant from some long ago day when the room didn’t smell like your grandmother’s diaper. Get in, empty the tank, get out. If you must, one quick look and then end it. Whatever you think you’re gaining in hair adjustment will be more than canceled out by the aroma of stale urine following you.
#2 – Tie your shoelaces. Before going into a men’s room, make sure nothing but the soles of your shoes touches the bathroom floor. If you don’t, well, be prepared leave them untied in perpetuity.
#1 – If ever possible, use the women’s room.
Oct 23, 2008
NEW BEGINNINGS AND OTHER REDUNDENCIES
Monumental news readers (both of you), it would seem my summer of sloth has come to an end. This Friday will mark the last day of my retirement, and this Monday will mark my return to New York's tax base. So, with work, and, inevitably, lots of free time in my afternoon's on the horizon (don't worry, I work for the city), I turn back to the blog. Thus without further ado (OK, feel free to make a reasonable amount of ado if you like)I fill you in on:
WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT PEOPLE DURING RETIREMENT
Lesson #1 - PEOPLE ARE JUDGMENTAL - You complain to a few people that calling at noon on a Tuesday is cutting into your rest, you invite a friend or two to for breakfast at 2pm, and all of a sudden people think you need to find something to do with your time. To all you haters out there (hehe, haters), I'm doing something with my time, it's called sleeping!
Lesson #2 - PEOPLE ARE SENSITIVE- I don't know maybe it's just me but I think damning me to hell is a bit of an overreaction. So I called you at work at 10:30pm and you still had hours to go before you could leave; so I laughed and laughed and laughed; so I mentioned I'd already taken two naps in the past 14 hours. I think we need to focus on the more important issues, like your anger management problems.
Lesson #3 - PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THEMSELVES VERY MUCH - I know I touched on this in lesson #1, but people truly don't understand how I could stand having all this free time. They couldn't understand how I was going to be able to amuse myself every day for, what turned out to be, two months (please keep your 'the the answer is stamina' jokes to yourself). 'All your friends work', they said. 'You won't have anyone to talk to', they said. I tried explaining to them that I had me. That I found myself funny, smart, entertaining and yes, if I'm honest, dead sexy. I mean really, what more could you ask for out of company?
Lesson #4 - PEOPLE THINK I'M A NARCISSIST - No comment.
Lesson #5 - AFTER ALL THIS TIME PEOPLE STILL UNDERRATE THE INTERNET - I woke up this morning before 10 am, go ahead, I'll wait for you to pick up your jaw, got it? OK, as I was saying I was up early this morning and after attending to my morning rituals (quick aside: the FDA recommends 32 grams of dietary fiber a day for men)I hopped on line to peruse recent developments in current events; politics, business, the economy, world news and sports. Seeing how it's October and a Thursday there were no football, hockey or basketball games for my local teams the night before and the Yankees and Mets were both out of they playoffs so I figured I'd start with the shortest topic and went straight to the sports sections of various websites and newspapers. Long story short, it's 6:30 pm and I decided to take a break from reading about baseball to write this post.
God I'll miss being retired.
WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT PEOPLE DURING RETIREMENT
Lesson #1 - PEOPLE ARE JUDGMENTAL - You complain to a few people that calling at noon on a Tuesday is cutting into your rest, you invite a friend or two to for breakfast at 2pm, and all of a sudden people think you need to find something to do with your time. To all you haters out there (hehe, haters), I'm doing something with my time, it's called sleeping!
Lesson #2 - PEOPLE ARE SENSITIVE- I don't know maybe it's just me but I think damning me to hell is a bit of an overreaction. So I called you at work at 10:30pm and you still had hours to go before you could leave; so I laughed and laughed and laughed; so I mentioned I'd already taken two naps in the past 14 hours. I think we need to focus on the more important issues, like your anger management problems.
Lesson #3 - PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THEMSELVES VERY MUCH - I know I touched on this in lesson #1, but people truly don't understand how I could stand having all this free time. They couldn't understand how I was going to be able to amuse myself every day for, what turned out to be, two months (please keep your 'the the answer is stamina' jokes to yourself). 'All your friends work', they said. 'You won't have anyone to talk to', they said. I tried explaining to them that I had me. That I found myself funny, smart, entertaining and yes, if I'm honest, dead sexy. I mean really, what more could you ask for out of company?
Lesson #4 - PEOPLE THINK I'M A NARCISSIST - No comment.
Lesson #5 - AFTER ALL THIS TIME PEOPLE STILL UNDERRATE THE INTERNET - I woke up this morning before 10 am, go ahead, I'll wait for you to pick up your jaw, got it? OK, as I was saying I was up early this morning and after attending to my morning rituals (quick aside: the FDA recommends 32 grams of dietary fiber a day for men)I hopped on line to peruse recent developments in current events; politics, business, the economy, world news and sports. Seeing how it's October and a Thursday there were no football, hockey or basketball games for my local teams the night before and the Yankees and Mets were both out of they playoffs so I figured I'd start with the shortest topic and went straight to the sports sections of various websites and newspapers. Long story short, it's 6:30 pm and I decided to take a break from reading about baseball to write this post.
God I'll miss being retired.
May 7, 2008
THE CUISINE OF ETHIOPIA
So I forgot my wallet at home today. I suppose I'm fortunate not to have been involved in some embarrassing story where I'm unable to pay for a meal I've just eaten, but the truth is, I think I'd prefer that eventuality to the present one.
You see, I'm hungry!
I don't know how familiar you all are with the human male's physiology, but it is a scientific fact that hungry men are grumpier and less efficient than their well-fed counterparts. Now, as I'm inefficient even when well-fed (actually I'm borderline comatose after a good shawrma platter), this hunger vaults me from inefficient all the way up to detrimental.
That being said, I'm still quite grumpy and this serves little to no use. Let me give you an example: Apparently one of the secretaries in our NJ office lost her father (I don't mean this in sense where you start talking about the internet and the eyes of your parental unit glaze over and the words "well, just don't talk to anyone long distance" plop out {or is that just my mother?}[speaking of which how old do you have to be to think you still have to worry about long distance])
Anyway, her dad died, and because we care, someone bought her a greeting card, to which we were all expected add our names and condolences. Now, we've covered greeting cards on here before (I'd link to it, but like there's that whole hunger = useless thing), but I think rhyming couplets reach a whole new level of absurd when it's an 'I'm sorry for your loss' card. I mean, is that really the time for a limerick? "I'm sorry your father went and kicked the bucket, but did your hear the one about the girl from Nantucket?" Actually, that's rather funny, but I'm kind of twisted like that, and I'm assuming most people aren't borderline sociopathic.
Hmm, I feel like I may have drifted from my point, where was I? Ah, yes, so they gave me this dumb card to sign in middle of what should have been my lunch hour. My stomach is rumbling, I'm seeing spots, and at that moment, I was of the opinion her father was better off than the rest of us. I know it doesn't justify it, but I don't care, I wrote it and i stand by it! OK, so maybe drawing an arrow toward said limerick and writing "what he said" isn't the most friendly gesture, but there's a good reason I didn't sign my name next to it!
You see, I'm hungry!
I don't know how familiar you all are with the human male's physiology, but it is a scientific fact that hungry men are grumpier and less efficient than their well-fed counterparts. Now, as I'm inefficient even when well-fed (actually I'm borderline comatose after a good shawrma platter), this hunger vaults me from inefficient all the way up to detrimental.
That being said, I'm still quite grumpy and this serves little to no use. Let me give you an example: Apparently one of the secretaries in our NJ office lost her father (I don't mean this in sense where you start talking about the internet and the eyes of your parental unit glaze over and the words "well, just don't talk to anyone long distance" plop out {or is that just my mother?}[speaking of which how old do you have to be to think you still have to worry about long distance])
Anyway, her dad died, and because we care, someone bought her a greeting card, to which we were all expected add our names and condolences. Now, we've covered greeting cards on here before (I'd link to it, but like there's that whole hunger = useless thing), but I think rhyming couplets reach a whole new level of absurd when it's an 'I'm sorry for your loss' card. I mean, is that really the time for a limerick? "I'm sorry your father went and kicked the bucket, but did your hear the one about the girl from Nantucket?" Actually, that's rather funny, but I'm kind of twisted like that, and I'm assuming most people aren't borderline sociopathic.
Hmm, I feel like I may have drifted from my point, where was I? Ah, yes, so they gave me this dumb card to sign in middle of what should have been my lunch hour. My stomach is rumbling, I'm seeing spots, and at that moment, I was of the opinion her father was better off than the rest of us. I know it doesn't justify it, but I don't care, I wrote it and i stand by it! OK, so maybe drawing an arrow toward said limerick and writing "what he said" isn't the most friendly gesture, but there's a good reason I didn't sign my name next to it!
May 5, 2008
BY ANY OTHER NAME
So, where was I?
I must say, I've missed our little chats. I know it's a bit of a cliche, but you guys are really just great listeners; I always feel comfortable opening up to you. I mean if not for you, observations like, "Cinco de Mayo being the worst ever name for a holiday", would just disappear amongst the synapses and ganglia. Now, don't get too pleased with yourselves, I am after all doing all the work, and to be honest, you aren't exactly the most stimulating company, so there's plenty of room for improvement. That being said, here it is:
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Cinco de Mayo - I'll be honest, I've done no research at all on this matter, but I think it's fair (not that I care) to say that this is pretty much the dumbest name for a holiday in the brief history of man and long weekends. Seriously, The guy who thought up CSI Green Bay used more creativity than whoever established this holiday. Things sounding cooler in Spanish aside, the name for the holiday that falls on May fifth is, May fifth. Even Big Bird thinks that name lacks imagination.
#4 - Tomato Juice - You know what occurred to me a second and a half into taking my first ever sip of tomato juice? If you can pour it on pasta and call it a sauce, you shouldn't be allowed to call it juice. I'm sure lycopene is really good for me and all, but I don't think that's any excuse for putting a straw in tomato sauce and calling it a beverage. I have no proof but I'm relatively certain the people behind this fiasco are the same ones that brought us soy MILK (I never knew soy beans had nipples).
#3 - Allergies - Now, far be it from me to question the good old prime mover, but as we turn the calendar to spring, I feel I must once again question the utility of of allergies. I'm not quarrelling with the existence of disease, I understand a thinning of the herd is necessary for the greater good, but I don't understand how having mucus and tears leak and fill every orifice in my head contributes in any way to society's greater good. Was God concerned that with Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts aging and the 'Sex and the City' Generation taking front and center, the tissue industry would crumble? Judging by the fact that Patrick Dempsey still has a career I'd venture to say that they're doing just fine. So how about it big guy?
#2 - CEO's - Look, I'm as greedy as the next Jew, but even I find myself throwing up in my mouth when I hear a CEO say that cutting his pay from $400,000,000 would be bad for the economy because if we cut the pay for CEO's we won't be able to attract the greatest talents. Let's ignore for a moment the fact that turning a massive profit while running an oil company is a job that a retarded, dyslexic, product of incest, orangutan could do without having to take a break from pulling fleas out of his coat, but is someone out there really saying that there are geniuses out there who would give up a career in business because they'd only make $300,000,000? What are they going to do instead? Invent Soy milk?
#1 - The fact that haven't seen 'Ironman' yet - If this lasts any longer I'm pretty sure I'll be the subject of the Scarlet Letter II. There are people in Ethiopia who traded this week's rotten banana for tickets to that movie. Speaking of which, I was reading a cooking magazine (shut up) and there was an article entitled, 'The Cuisine of Ethiopia' I'd do a joke but it almost seems like overkill.
I must say, I've missed our little chats. I know it's a bit of a cliche, but you guys are really just great listeners; I always feel comfortable opening up to you. I mean if not for you, observations like, "Cinco de Mayo being the worst ever name for a holiday", would just disappear amongst the synapses and ganglia. Now, don't get too pleased with yourselves, I am after all doing all the work, and to be honest, you aren't exactly the most stimulating company, so there's plenty of room for improvement. That being said, here it is:
Top Five Things That Bother Me Today
#5 - Cinco de Mayo - I'll be honest, I've done no research at all on this matter, but I think it's fair (not that I care) to say that this is pretty much the dumbest name for a holiday in the brief history of man and long weekends. Seriously, The guy who thought up CSI Green Bay used more creativity than whoever established this holiday. Things sounding cooler in Spanish aside, the name for the holiday that falls on May fifth is, May fifth. Even Big Bird thinks that name lacks imagination.
#4 - Tomato Juice - You know what occurred to me a second and a half into taking my first ever sip of tomato juice? If you can pour it on pasta and call it a sauce, you shouldn't be allowed to call it juice. I'm sure lycopene is really good for me and all, but I don't think that's any excuse for putting a straw in tomato sauce and calling it a beverage. I have no proof but I'm relatively certain the people behind this fiasco are the same ones that brought us soy MILK (I never knew soy beans had nipples).
#3 - Allergies - Now, far be it from me to question the good old prime mover, but as we turn the calendar to spring, I feel I must once again question the utility of of allergies. I'm not quarrelling with the existence of disease, I understand a thinning of the herd is necessary for the greater good, but I don't understand how having mucus and tears leak and fill every orifice in my head contributes in any way to society's greater good. Was God concerned that with Meg Ryan and Julia Roberts aging and the 'Sex and the City' Generation taking front and center, the tissue industry would crumble? Judging by the fact that Patrick Dempsey still has a career I'd venture to say that they're doing just fine. So how about it big guy?
#2 - CEO's - Look, I'm as greedy as the next Jew, but even I find myself throwing up in my mouth when I hear a CEO say that cutting his pay from $400,000,000 would be bad for the economy because if we cut the pay for CEO's we won't be able to attract the greatest talents. Let's ignore for a moment the fact that turning a massive profit while running an oil company is a job that a retarded, dyslexic, product of incest, orangutan could do without having to take a break from pulling fleas out of his coat, but is someone out there really saying that there are geniuses out there who would give up a career in business because they'd only make $300,000,000? What are they going to do instead? Invent Soy milk?
#1 - The fact that haven't seen 'Ironman' yet - If this lasts any longer I'm pretty sure I'll be the subject of the Scarlet Letter II. There are people in Ethiopia who traded this week's rotten banana for tickets to that movie. Speaking of which, I was reading a cooking magazine (shut up) and there was an article entitled, 'The Cuisine of Ethiopia' I'd do a joke but it almost seems like overkill.
Apr 30, 2008
A LESS THAN AWESOME VACATION
I know, I know, I've been gone for a while. I know what some of you're thinking, he ran out of stuff to complain about, he got lazy, realized no one was ever going to post a comment. These, friends, are lies! I will never run out of things to complain about. I have always been lazy and well, OK that last one's probably true, ingrates! Anyway, the truth is, embarrassing as it might be, I've been working! (I apologize, I realize that was an awful lot of exclamation points for a single paragraph) I don't know how it happened. It started out, innoucuously enough, with one attorney tendering her resignation. Her work was disbursed among the remaining attorneys and i thought life would go along as normal. Only it didn't. It would seem, unlike me, the other attorneys actually do quite a lot of what I had been heretofore calling "work", only they do it without the quotation marks. So that, in short (or long), is where I've been. Also baseball season started and my fantasy baseball teams are in contention. Whatever, you're just jealous. Anyway, that's all for now, but I'll be back with more soon, it looks like I only have to "work" in the near future.
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