EVERYONE HAS A PLAN TILL THEY GET A DODGEBALL IN THE FACE!

As some of you may have deduced (deducted for those who conversate) I am, by nature, rather competitive. To clarify, I don't mean competitive in the 'I need to prove I'm better than you' sense, thankfully that is blatantly obvious. What I do mean, however, is that I like to win. I really, really, really like to win. I like to win the way midgets like amusement parks without those 'you must be this tall to ride' signs, or the way this girl in my office likes to think orange is the color of a natural suntan. So I have to say, I'm puzzled by my not caring that my current dodgeball team is out to a scorching 1-11 start. For those of you out there who can't read won-loss records that would be one win and eleven losses. To put that into perspective, there are 10 teams in our league, after last nights 0-4 we are currently in approximately 293rd place.

Now to be fair, none of this is particularly surprising. Most of my team members have never played organized dodgeball before and, contrary to popular belief, dodgeball is actually among the most complex sports known to man. Success at dodgeball requires the skill of a hunter, the courage of a foot soldier, the quickness of a premature ejaculator and high grade anabolic steroids. In fact, Sun Tzu's 'The Art of War' was originally titled, 'I Can't Believe How Difficult Dodgeball is Maybe I SHould Just Focus on This War Junk, It Seems Easy' (apparently the same people who write out the directions on your chop sticks packet did the capitalization on the title), while Machievelli's 'The Prince' was actually originally titled 'Having A Cool Sounding Last Name Will Increase Book Sales By 64%' (not everything is about dodgeball you know). Anyway, my point is we suck like a gay vaccum cleaner; we are the kind of terrible that inspired the Special Olympics and maybe even the pejorative connotation of the word 'special'. We lack hunters, soldiers, premature ejaculators (don't ask me how I know), the steroids I bought for us taste suspiciously like Fruit Snacks and I'm still not quite sure how the scoring system works. What I'm trying to say is, I don't foresee us winning too many more games, but it's dodgeball, so I guess it doesn't count.